LIE's Heart OuT

Contemplation stage

2010-07-15T00:09:00.006+08:00

An excerpt from the previous post:

"I have 8 more working days to submit my hard cover for senate approval. If I miss the date, I will only get to wear the graduation gown and the mortar board next year!!"

Did I submit my hardcover on time? Yes, in fact it was done 3 days before the deadline. Do I get to wear the graduation gown and the mortar board this year? YES!! BUT---- will i really get to wear my graduation gown and walk up to the stage to get my scroll with full of pride and victory?

THAT, I am not sure.

Why?

Imagine myself - going for the convocation...

All clothes are prepared for the event the night before. Drive off early in the morning to catch the registration of students at 7.30 a.m. I might not know anyone but myself so I can probably guess that I will be playing with my blackberry to kill time and to avoid boredom. It is expected that the feeling wont be the same as how it was 5 years ago (for my B.Sc convocation). Then, the session starts at 8-8.30 am, yadi....yadi....yada... blah... blah... blah... i go up to the stage and take my scroll while I make sure I get the correct pose for the picture (If I plan to have it). I'll clear off the stage with the best fake smile on my face while checking my watch for the zillion time to make sure it finishes on time. When the whole thing is done, I'll follow the over ecstatic young crowds to the exit and inevitably witness students hugging each other, showing passion and appreciation for each other, taking pictures, parents coming from everywhere with bouquets of flowers and teddy bears... and I? Oh well, to avoid the discomfort feelings of awkwardness or bumping into someone who's gonna ask, "Hey, congratulations!! Who are you with? Where's your family.....or friends??", I'll probably just rush to my car and head home. Or even more pathetically, buy a bouquet of flower and assume that someone bought me as a congratulation gift.

Do you really think I am gonna let myself go through that? I rather not

So..... I have been contemplating to have reasons not to go. I know I will have friends coming if I text them, "Hey my convocation is on this date, you wanna come....and see me....graduate?? and....maybe get me a bouquet of flowers so we can take a snap with it? Or maybe not...but pictures will be good, ya know..ngeheehee" (no hard feelings guys, its just me showing how pathetic it can be if i consider myself going for it)

I called mom, just to have some hope but of course having her to come for my convo without anyone accompanying her will be a ridiculous idea. Well, I did get the exact response I expected. Can't blame my mom. It's Tuesday, everybody is working so I won't expect my family members to come, even if i asked. (I did asked my eldest brother and received the expected response).

Do you think I want to hurt myself that way? Going through that - asking, pleading, planning, hoping..... all that requires extra energy and stable emotion. I'm not sure if I can handle that.

Imagine myself not going...

I get to save my in-lieu leave..

I get to finish up some work...

I dont have to worry about ANYTHING MENTIONED ABOVE

But I am just contemplating, no decision to be made yet. and soon there will be...

It's done!

2010-07-05T22:56:00.000+08:00

I forgot to announce, I am already done with it. Submitted!!

Hooray!!!! Here comes my freedom!!

almost there...!!

2010-06-27T03:59:00.004+08:00

I present to you the chronology of events to get my thesis done!!

Registered in July 2006

Scholarship interview - Sept 2006

Awarded with scholarship - Nov 2006

Finished first part of project- Aug/Sept 2007

Finished second part of project- Nov 2007

Lab renovation - Dec 2007-June 2008 (slowed down my work)

GC problems/troubleshooting Dec 2007-Oct 2008 (due to poor management of equipments in the university. They should take note on that!)

Finished third part of project - Feb/Mar 2009

Abstract submission - Jun/Jul 2009

Thesis writing period - Feb 2009 - Dec 2009 (a period of 10 months)

Thesis submission - Jan 2010

Viva - 1st week of June 2010 (after 3-4 times getting postponed)

Forms completion (including format checking process) - 4th week of Jun 2010

Hard cover submission - final week of Jun 2010 (this coming Monday if all goes well)

I was living a zombie life for the last 15 months, juggling my time between work and thesis.

Details:

I only managed to get my abstract submitted in June or July 2009 (due to series of delay which was mostly contributed by my supervisor). This usually happen when your supervisor is having more than 10 master/phd students under her/his supervision -AND- when your supervisor is the faculty's deputy dean. Im not denying her kindness and concern for me, but she has a very very limited time to spare for me. I couldnt really blame her for the delay.

For a period of 8 months, I had to work from 9am-6pm, and write thesis from 8pm till morning (usually till 3-4am) before waking up few hours later to get ready for work. My Prof never stopped motivating me to struggle for my last battle but I didnt tell her I was working so I had to double up my effort (in getting everything done) to make up for lost time which I had to spent at work. It has been so hard for me as I still have to work to sustain myself financially. When i was at the edge of giving up, she told me, "Now, you submit your thesis. Don't wait. Just submit." She was afraid I might just throw away all the effort I have put in after I told her I got a job. A real job.

Thesis submitted. Due to a lot of delays, I only got my viva date after 6 months of waiting (normal waiting period is 2-3 months). Few minor corrections have to be done before I am allowed to submit my final copy which is the hard cover. I only have less than a month to get everything done to ensure myself a place for convocation this year. I managed to finish my corrections in less than a week and the correction was only approved after a rework. With much effort, it took me only about a week to get all signatures (a total of 7 signatures) for 4 or 5 different forms and this include the format checking process with one time of rework. I managed to get 7 sets of my final copy printed out the next day after getting the last signature. If everything goes well, I shall collect my hard cover from the printing shop on Monday afternoon, and submit on that day itself.

That was the amount of hard work I have to put in to complete the whole process of getting my Master. It has been a roller coaster ride and I would say that this is definitely a hard earned master for me.

So you think I am going to do my phd now? If locally, no way!! Even if I get the chance to do it overseas, it's not gonna be an easy decision to make.

The reminiscence of the past and that one last battle

2010-06-20T02:28:00.001+08:00

Things had gone differently for me in life. Looking at all the childhood photos of my friends in facebook, vaguely reminded me of how different my life has turned up. The drinking part, I think i will pass that as my tolerance wont be as good as theirs, but the bond they have is so special that somehow I wish to have a share of it.

But then again, I realize - I worked so hard in life to be where I am now. I sacrificed a lot just to achieve my dreams in life. I have taken full responsibilities of my action and all the decision I have to make or have made. If I limit myself and only stick to the status quo, I don't think I will be where I am now. With all the sacrifices I have made, I deserve this.

Of course I want to re-connect with my childhood friends again, but the differences between us had gone so far off, I don't know where to start. I miss all my kampung mates and how fun it is to be with them. Looking at those pictures, it reminds me so much of how relaxing it is to be in your home ground.

It's true what they say, the older you get, the smaller the circle of friends you have in life. I always tell myself, "maybe after im done with this or with that, I will keep in touch with them again..." I realize, I have been saying that for the last couple of months. And I know I will keep saying that even after few months from now. The thing that really bothers me right now is the completion process of my MASTER. The whole process is ridiculously so long-winded and it is now taking a toll on me. My prof is worried that I might just give it up, so she always say this, "sikit je lagi...you're almost there". But I have been rushing for this since February 2009, and until now I am still struggling to complete. The only good thing is, there are few more forms to complete, and one more appointment to make before i can submit my hard cover. And that alone is taking so long. I am jeopardizing my current job by escaping to my university for so many times just to get all the signatures for 5 different forms. I have 8 more working days to submit my hard cover for senate approval. If I miss the date, I will only get to wear the graduation gown and the mortar board next year!! For now, the only thing I can do is just finger crossing hoping these people will expedite things for the good of all people.

God knows..

2010-06-16T23:34:00.000+08:00

Only God knows how tough it has been for us
Only God knows how we suffered inside
Only God knows how patient we've been during those trials
Only God knows how much tears we have shared
Only God knows......

And now, after endless prayers and sacrifice, everything starts to pay off..

All that happened now, reminds me of yesterday's tears..

This gave me a sense of discernment that dad loves me, still, and a lot. How sinful I have become, I still feel blessed because his fatherly love will never die in my lifetime. I believe he still takes care of things for me, from above. Whatever things that I have silently written for him on a piece of paper and burnt them with hopes that he would read it, it is no strange that it's been fulfilled. If I could have one wish, I wish for my dad to be here with me. But reality hurts, he's not coming back.

I have to admit - my ego and my pride - they saved me from suffering more. It has been a roller coaster ride for me. To hear the incoherent voices, the aimless talks, the medley of irrelevant advices, I have to say it is an effort to ignore all these kryptonites that can emotionally and mentally kill me. I always have to keep my head up, that no matter how many stops or u-turns I have to make, I know, something good will come.

It is here. I hope it will stay. How many times can someone be tested? Not many, I hope. But God has been kind to us. He gave us each other, and it makes this world not so bad after all.

All that we received now, it is with hardship. It is with a lot of prayers and it is with a great faith.

God knows........

your $$ my $$

2010-06-09T00:08:00.000+08:00

I feel like being robbed.

Yes, I am single. No kids. No marriage plans yet.
A fairy tale says I am earning well. Duh~~ like everybody else doesn't!! But why do I feel like I am being stripped from my clothes?? *figure of speech ok*

When I started working, everybody thinks I should contribute more. Everybody thinks my money is everyone's money. The amount of contribution I have to make is expected to be the same as those members who have been working for 5-10 years? Are they being fair to me?

When I work for this company, everybody is waiting for me to make mistakes so they can say, "seeee, she's just too proud of herself" "she's very ego now.!!" why?? why?? why?? why do i have to receive all this pressure?? Why can't everybody just be happy?

This is just sad. Freedom come and freedom go.

Life is just great!!

"career independance" journey

2010-05-22T10:12:00.004+08:00

Finally,
The decision has been made and I am in my new company with my other leg still stuck in the old company. They do not wish to have me gone 100% so the deal we made has been a satisfactory to everyone.

5 years ago, I have started my journey in this foreign land with just 2 suitcases (One bag with size XL- nd the other is Size M). That journey was what I called - my "masterhood" journey.

Now, I am in this new journey i called my "career independence" journey. I have brought this XL bag with me into this new journey and the other one is left behind - locked. That lock is not mine. So I could only once in a while come back to get my stuff in that bag but not carry them all.

So that was that. Let's talk about my new journey.

For the past 17 days, I was away from 'civilization' - attending classes, briefings, group activities & discussions, camping, site visit, corporate activities etc. All i can say is, I had maximum fun during those activities. It has been something I have been looking for, for a very long time. It has somehow served the thirst of my soul. I met the most wonderful bunch of people from different background with great intensity of intelligence and also great sense of humor. I managed to get out from my cocoon and just be myself. It has been nice to have people accept you for who you are mentally, physically and emotionally. I have shared a lot of my feelings, my experiences and even my worst inferiority complex to the whole class (42 of us and 2 facilitators) during the sharing sessions and each time we finished those session, someone will come to me and tells me "I like your stories". Even our facilitator came to me and said "I am so glad you shared that with us"

Everything has been nothing but honesty. I like it. I think each one of us has experienced a changed mindset before we start our career in this national company. And after these whole program was over, everyone is missing each other and we wish to have more.

Good luck to all my fellow mates at..

I wish you all the best...

Going against nature

2010-03-27T20:42:00.004+08:00

Things have been pretty hectic for me. Slowly I am adjusting to the new offer i received few days ago. It is an easy decision to make, but the consequence of the other factor is probably harder to bear. This shows that I have to be ready and learn not to ask for any more luxurious treatment.

I still can't disclose the exact offer yet but soon, i will have to re-locate to a new place. A place which is not so foreign for me.

I am risking my chances for putting it on my blog. And probably T is not happy with my openness. But I have been thinking a lot about this and nobody would understand the consequence I am going to face soon. Nobody will understand my emotions. Even T will not be able to comprehend that.

I have been counting years. I realize I need to be fast on my decision. I need to be realistic and I need to be strong. I was told, "forget what they say, this is about you."

Yes, this is about me. But no matter how ignorant i am trying to be, I am going against my nature. Though it is possible but it is never without pain.

I hope the path of reaching there is easier. Nevertheless, I don't mind going through pain as long as the ending is good. If i could wish for something right now, i really wish for strength and patient. It is sad if I am going to lose her. The one who is only 6 months old and who will forget me if I am kicked out.

The offer

2010-03-25T22:32:00.002+08:00

I got the offer.

Happy.

Nervous.

Decided.

Fearful.

but all will eventually lead to happiness.

here comes the push..

2010-03-22T01:24:00.003+08:00

I have been wanting to write.... for a very long time.. Yet, it wasnt as easy as i thought. Maybe it was the absence of the 'push'..

Suddenly...today... the push re-appears again and this time it came so strong. It attacked the very core of my desire and I am writing now with the 'push' I so long to have. I need to vent out everything that has been bottling inside me.

I was out today to watch Liverpool play against MU. And it was one of their disappointing game. The game was boring, and but the talking after the game successfully mended my sleepiness. Sigh. I missed my novena. I went home, trying to finish the ironing which I started early this evening. I have about 10 working shirts to iron before i go to bed. While doing it, my mind was wandering around... and I know there's something I have been waiting to do.. I left all the crumpled shirts on my bed, took my company laptop and start typing without thinking...

So, here comes the push.....

My future.

My life.

The options. The choices. The decision.

It hasn't been a very motivating year for me. at least the starting. I was fooled by the online astrologer who has been predicting dates that will bring me luck. and as far as i am concern about my future and my big break-out, nothing has happened, yet. I mean a lot of things happened. But so far, all my wishes remain as dreams. Dreams that will never be a reality for me. *Disappointment*

I guess i am having all this dilemma because I am scared of the damage that i might cause if i finally make my decision. Though it might be the right decision for me, but I know it will definitely hurt some people. And that's the worst part of all. No matter what was done to me and to T, I wish i dont have to fight back. I wish I dont have to take revenge. Because i dont think I can handle it. I still have my dad's words in my head.

I know some of my family members do not embrace all the things dad had taught us when he was still alive. But as a strong believer, it is one of the most important thing in life.

"Let them hurt you, but do not hurt them back"

These words are forever engraved in my head. I am not sure if that is a good thing or otherwise, but it keeps me from hurting other people. So I believe that is good?

Regardless, as a fresh grad, who just entered the real working world, my employer pay me well. But with the amount of work I have done, I know I am cheaply paid. Having said that, money wasnt my biggest issue. I still think what I am earning is good enough compared to others my age. But, life is still so meaningless without the freedom to decide what u really wanna do in life.

It really is sad. I wish to break free. One fine day when my wings are ready, i will prepare myself for the storm and leave my flocks to explore the real world outside. Life is without boundary, and all you need is preparation and.......freedom.

Mistakenly fined!

2009-12-19T01:01:00.003+08:00

BERIKUT ADALAH SENARAI SAMAN SEHINGGA 19/12/2009:

POLIS: BJN9034 Saman 1 10/31/2008 7:00:00 PM SHAH ALAM RM30.00 HALANGAN LALULINTAS 1-DA610923
POLIS: BJN9034 Saman 2 7/19/2009 10:30:00 PM MANJUNG RM200.00 TIDAK PAKAI TOPI KELEDAR 2-AA386398

How do i prove that these are not my tickets?

and... Since when do we have to use helmet while driving a car?

here and now

2009-12-07T22:36:00.002+08:00

I will try my very best to update my blog at least once a week. My words are becoming shorter each day and the only communication I have for now is my brain, if you ever call 'that' a communication. My daily life is burning me out everyday. Work, family and also my professor who is still taking a long time correcting my thesis.

Work has been busy everyday. I had to face new things every single day. My job in the office are basically 30% Procurement, 20% administration tasks, 10% HR and 20% project development tasks which include 20% of finance (imagine all the costing & budget I have to do). It's like setting up a whole new company from scratch. Well, as a matter of fact, it is still a new company under the group company. You want solid experience? Go for manufacturing industry. You will learn a lot in no time. My BIL told me that he will put me as one of the board members once I am ready. But I am not sure how involved I am mentally and emotionally in this family business. I think they gonna kill me if they find out about this. Never ever get involved in family business. You don't know when you should apply the principle of "family comes first" because business always gets in the way.

Family. This year I am an aunty of 11 beautiful nieces (3 newly born nieces) and 10 nephews (1 newly born nephew). We don't really practice favoritism when it comes to the second generation of the family. But I truly fell in love with my beautiful niece who was born on 9th September 2009 (09.09.09). I have no idea why it felt like she's mine. It's like i can feel my womb when i touch her (scary huh?). My love for her has grown from just being an aunty into being a mother. She cried a lot at night but when I was there to put her to sleep, she hugs me like she recognize me as her mother, and only tears can measure up how much i felt for her that night. When she was having flu and having problems breathing, I stayed up all night making sure she does not suffocate. Even a slight move will wake me up in the middle of the night. When she has trouble sleeping, I will put her on my chest, rest my back on a pillow and cover both of us in a comforter to sleep. We both slept peacefully that night and she woke up only on the rising sun. Leaving her was a painful moment and everyday i had to text my sister to send me a photo of her through MMS. In my handphone, you will only see most pictures of hers. She's coming this friday, and that means happiness for me.

Thesis. Sigh. My prof is taking too long. She knows it is ready for submission but she told me she feels it is her responsibility to improve my writing according to her level. How much can I do other than giving her my best? Yet, she asked me to add another 3 months for writing. I was like, "I've finished! Done! What else can I write?" I told her, "That's it prof, I have spoken to my family and they insisted that I finish everything this semester. I am coming to 28 next year. I have to start earning." She finally understands and agreed with me. yes. at last.

Me and boyfriend :( time will tell. Looks like for now, it has to be career first.

TEAM JACOB!!!!!

2009-12-01T20:43:00.005+08:00

wow, it has been so long since my last post.. My blog is almost forgotten....:)

I know many of you have been wondering about my absence. A lot of things happened. But i dont want to talk about all that right now. The only thing that's been bugging my head is...................of course none other than

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I watched it twice so far, and ---Taylor Lautner did surprise me *SCREAMMM* . Amazingly, I was all too willing to switch my love for Edward to Jacob Black. Yea, you heard me. :) Team Jacob for now....

I just can't stop talking about Jacob and I am glad they made him stay for New Moon despite being second-guessed before they confirmed the casting. Well, bear with me guys... I just wanna take this short hours to babble about twilight before i go back to my real world.

Bella, she's just..... Bella, my favourite human in Twilight. Speaking of my favourite, my favourite moment of her was the part where she sat in front of her window watching the changing weather and the camera spin around her with this song "possibility by Lykke Li". Needless to say, the suffering of hers was totally immense and it's like I can almost feel her emotions at that moment. When I heard this song, I was like.... "this is her sufferings, her emotions..." To my collegue, she said it's a Yoga song, very hypnotizing...

Edward, owh Edward.... Despite his absence in most part in New Moon, my favourite part was when he said to Bella "This is the last time you ever see me..." It's like he's forcing the words out with so much of hidden pain inside. It's like he is breaking up with me...(..sob sob...) Not forgetting, his smile when he uttered, "Marry me, Bella..." That was so Edward's version of 'kinkYness'..

Alice..... she's my fav vampire after Edward. My favourite part of her was when she said, "....After you let the dog out...." I always like her...

JACOBBBBB!!!!! *GULP* I am so crazy for him... *twinkle in my eyes* :):)

spanked for laughing!!

2009-09-02T14:10:00.005+08:00

This is a Japanese funny show about a classroom where the "so-called students" are not allowed to laugh or they'll get smacked.

Even a serious person can't get away from getting smacked!! Enjoy watching :P

The Company

2009-08-18T21:19:00.010+08:00

Last Friday, we had one of the biggest function for the company. It looked to me that this is going to be a turning point, if all goes well of course. A millionaire will turn billionaire. If you know my life, you know what I mean. So now, tell me the reason why I shouldn't be worried of what's coming.

Still wondering which company i joined/work for?

READ THIS..

*Click on the photo for best view

Holly & Faith

2009-08-10T23:54:00.004+08:00

Tears are falling

But not for sadness,
it’s the joy you bring to this world…

Tears are falling,
because of your soft skin,
your gentle gaze,
Your calming voice,

You grab her fingers,
It’s like asking if it’s going to be alright

The world may be cruel,
But you will be protected, you will be loved, you will be caressed..
For the feelings you gave us are just indescribable..

Congrats to my brother and wife for their newborn baby girl..
and to to our dearest friend who just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl..

Successful Conversation

2009-08-06T10:41:00.006+08:00

Now I understand why i don't feel like posting anything here..

These few weeks, i feel nothing but resentment, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, sadness, weariness, anger and the list goes on. I don't think that is what i want to share with the outside world. That should be personal. It's not like you are trying to hide your true color, but I believe some things are better left unsaid. Rather than letting people make the wrong judgment about you and you start arguing with them to let them see your true self. I think that is a total bull.

I started this blog because I want to share my perspective of things so maybe people might use something through my experience. And for today, I found out something new.

Before I start, I would like to announce that I have submitted my abstract and in a month's time, I am hoping to submit my thesis. That will depend on my prof's speed reading. But I am not here to talk about thesis.

I am currently working for my brother in law in Damansara. The pay is good enough for a degree holder. I actually had no choice but to take it since I don't have a valid reason to turn his offer down. Like usual, I need money to pay my monthly bills. I got nothing to lose since I am allowed to go to UKM any day I want, and I can even do my thesis work in the office. Somehow I think my bro in law needs me here to be his eyes and ears. I meet different type of people here and everyday i learn a new thing from everyone here despite being the only girl in the office.

SO today, I had a breakfast chat with this one guy. Basically all my colleagues here are also a family friend, they all know my family like almost everything. Some of them only know us after working in the company. But all in all, everyone knows everyone.

Coming back to the breakfast story, it was nice having a chat with this guy. But the ending was not how I wanted to be. You know when you talk to someone, if the outcome must is a satisfactory to both parties, then you call that a successful conversation because a two-way communication was achieved. But this conversation we had was closed to failure. I almost don't understand what he was trying to make me see his points, and i don't think he understands my points either. So it was like a very silly conversation between us both.

Then, we went back to the office. I forced the guy who helped me designed my blog header to talk to me while I have my nasi lemak in the office. He gave me what I wanted. A successful conversation which satisfied the two-way communication rules.

Will talk more about it later. Need to got to the airport.

What The Fudge??

2009-08-04T21:10:00.005+08:00

There were tons of time I tried posting something here but it just didn’t happen. It feels like digging my organs out from my system. So I decided to wait ..

Of course a lot of things happened lately, I just see no point of telling it to the world.

I am almost done publishing my own stories.
Maybe there is one part of me which I want to keep discreet.
Maybe I put myself so transparent that people can just see me behind the sheets.

It’s like that Hollywood life, everyone knows what you have been up to, and you feel like you have lost the most important part in your life – your privacy. But the unhollywood part about this is, it wasn’t the outside world who violated your privacy, it’s the person himself (or herself).

One thing I don’t like about posting anything here is that, I think I have been complaining – A Lot. Well, that’s the point of having this blog isn’t it? It’s to tell the world what goes in my heart and divulging the essence of my living.

So basically right now, even you yourself can tell that I am writing this post straight from the core of my heart. I might regret this once I hit the ‘post it’ button. Try me.

I am tired of everything.
I am tired of finding out what happen to everyone,
I am tired of telling people what I have been up to.
I am tired of the same thing that goes in my life which never seems to fade.
I am tired of not being able to undo things.
I am tired of not being able to be loud.
I am tired of being bullied.
I am tired of being told.
I am tired of lying to myself.
I am tired of smirking at people’s rubbish.
I am tired of listening to my own complaints.
I am tired of listening to others complain about their imperfect life when obviously their life is better than those kids in Africa. At least you don’t have to see a fly licking on your wounds.

I am just tired. I should blame my monthly visitor. Remind me not to write every first week of the month.

But then again, when you see yourself in the mirror, you feel like spitting on the glassy image-reflecting surface. Sometimes I feel ashamed of complaining when I have food coming to me every single day. Yes we have to earn some money to live, I know that and yes maybe we are not doing something that we like, but what’s the fudging wrong with that? You don’t have to lick on your boss’s a** to do your job right?

So, I think complaining is just a waste of time. Sharing about how you feel? Maybe acceptable, but complaining? You’re not even those people who have to pick up rubbish to have dinner or to have a “Vulture” beside you waiting for you to die so they can have their dead cake for dinner.

Oh, give me a break. I should tell myself to stop complaining.

At least the good news is, my air-cond is fixed. I can sleep peacefully tonight :)

Michael Jackson (1958-2009) and his Legacy

2009-07-08T20:33:00.010+08:00

I spent the whole day today watching the exclusive footage of Michael Jackson’s memorial service from CNN, E! and also BBC news. Many offered tribute to the late King of Pop with thousands of fans attended the event in Staples center, LA. My favorite part was when Brooke Shield shared her memories of Michael Jackson..

......and the unforgettable heartbreaking part was to see Paris, Michael’s daughter struggled to say her final words to the public.

On the other hand, Rev. Al Sharpton’s powerful tribute to Michael Jackson was really an inspiring moment.

Please don’t ask me why I was so crazy about the news. MJ brought the whole world together, eliminating all barriers. Whatever craps the media has said about Michael, I truly believe he is a kind and loving person. It’s not us to judge, and whether he is in heaven now, It’s between him and God. One thing I do acknowledge about MJ was his unparalleled talent, a singer & dancer beyond compare whose music united people of all backgrounds. He is also a wonderful humanitarian. No matter how people felt about him personally, Michael gave a tremendous amount to the music industry. His legacy was his music and his legacy will live on forever. Michael fought a good fight, everybody has to know his story. He will be honored forever.

Michael Jackson will be rested temporarily in Forest Lawn Cemetery, a private memorial park in L.A. However, the Jackson family wants MJ to be buried in his old home, the Neverland Ranch though it was stated in California law that human remains can only be buried in a licensed cemetery.

I grew up with his music, and I never thought that one day it will come to this. Michael Jackson is gone forever. May his soul rest in peace.

Eyes are blind,
You have to look with your heart,
What's more important is invincible..

Financial responsibilities

2009-07-06T22:37:00.004+08:00

I was thinking.

Was I really blessed? Or, was I just plain lucky?

I got a job from a biology company in April. I took the offer and quit my teaching job. Then, my supervisor discouraged me to go for it. I was worried. I just quit my job from a tuition center and I was warned not to work full time. It was in April, and I only have about 2 months to earn as much as I can before i meet my biggest financial responsibilities in July.

My weariness was finally ended after a friend offered me to work for her boss since they need an intern to help out. They paid me well, more than I deserve…. So was I blessed or was I just plain lucky?

So, in those two months, with a lot of hard work, I managed to earn nearly rm5k (including some from my GRA scheme approved by my supervisor). It was not easy. I had to cut down on a lot of expenses and activities. I was tired most of the time. I remember how I dragged myself each time I feel like giving up. The fatigue due to excessive use of energy really burned me out to the max. I had to fight my depression otherwise I won’t be able to go on. All the hard work has finally paid off. I am really proud of myself for pushing myself beyond the limit I could take to fulfill my financial responsibilities.

That was why I felt so upset when I had to go to my former rented house to clean the mess that was left, just because everyone thinks it wasn’t their mess. I feel like crying pushing myself to do it because I was just so tired and I only have weekends to rest. Thanks to Emily (for the first cleaning session) and Pearl (for the second cleaning session) who were willing to go down to Bangi to help me out. People told me to chill and relax. It’s not about my temper problem but it was the injustice done to me. I guess each of us led a different life, so it’s no point trying to let others to try on your size of shoes. So I let it go.

Back to my previous story about all these financial responsibilities. In this recent 2 weeks, I have used half of that hard earned money to pay off my semester fees, my car insurance, the monthly installment of my car loan, road tax renewal and my personal insurance. Of course it was not easy for me to go to the ATM machine twice to press a 4 digit amount from my bank account just to pay all the bills and fees. It was a tremendous heartache for me.

But God is great. I survived these 2 months, and I have finally called my boss and told her that it’s time for me to focus on my thesis, so I have to stop this internship. If I get to submit before a certain date, I will get a half refund of my semester fees. It’s still money for me though. As for now I am comfortable with the balance I have in my bank.

Fish bones

2009-06-19T23:53:00.003+08:00

The fish is finally ready to be fried. Deep fry.

Why?

Bad news after bad news.

The lady at the counter told me that I still have to pay for my semester fees even if I have submitted my abstract. I will only be excluded from paying once I submit my final draft of thesis to the secretariat. I see no possibilities of resolving that before 26th June as my supervisor is taking weeks for just 3 pages of my chapters. I almost go crazy. How am I going to fork out 1.5K when I have bills to settle next month? Then everything starts to amplify my anxiety. My car insurance is due next month, then my monthly bills of car installment and my insurance premium, and now this?? Roughly I need about rm2500 to pay off the bills. Even a month salary is not enough to settle everything.

I am going broke.

I have been cutting myself off from all sorts of entertainment. The last movie I saw was Twilight last year, and I have stopped buying novels. Fast food is no more in my list of everyday/weekly food and now I am controlling my fuel consumption – no more driving more than 10km unless it is a serious matter. I know this will make a lot of difference.

Looks like little missy has to work every day to complete the figure. Worst case scenario, I just walk to office every day. The heck with all those safety craps.

At the end of the day, the only thing I will have left is just pieces of fish bones.

Fish bones = Me

G.R.E.A.S.E - The Ed's Version...

2009-06-13T22:45:00.009+08:00

There is so much to say about the wedding but everything is just stucked in my head...

I did not take pictures. However, I do have a video to share, which I have modified for better quality..

It's the Edwin family's version of GREASE, performed on Sarina & Andy's wedding reception dinner at PUTERA, Tmn Tun Fuad, Kota Kinabalu.

After watching the video, you'll know how much fun we had....

*Please wait until the video is fully loaded to enjoy the video. However, the loading of the video depends on the speed of your internet connection ..

- Performed by Sons/Daughters/Nephews/Nieces of Edwin's family

ENJOY!

a handbook..

2009-05-25T00:11:00.001+08:00

I think this is good to share with everyone.. I post it here because i thought it's always good to remind myself of the important things in life while sharing it with others..

A handbook for each and every year indeed !

Health

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy..
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality

11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy
in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18.. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past.
That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum
that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learnwill last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society

25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life

32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Productive & Useful

2009-05-23T19:43:00.002+08:00

Saturday is good. Saturday is great. Bcos I really get to sleeeeeeeeep at home. It has been a hectic week for me.

I have been struggling my time with a contract job from a leasing company and my writings for the proceedings for the upcoming conference. It wasn’t easy fitting everything at a time perfectly but I have no choice. I need to have money coming in every month, and at the same time I need to get my thesis work done. I know I can always get money from my family, even my boyfriend doesn’t mind helping me with the car monthly installment. But I have been independent since day one so I think it would be exactly ‘my way of dealing things’ to handle everything on my own without relying on others. Besides, people my age has started earning and I think it would be pretty much embarrassing for me to rely on my family.

My ‘working’ life is basically from 9am-12am. I will go to the office in the morning and come back home for my favourite TV drama at 6pm then I’ll start my thesis work from 7.30pm till its time for bed. It has been very tiring but I like it. Like T, I want to be productive and useful no matter what I do. I know I should have not gone for the contract job since my thesis work is the priority but there are times my thesis work make me feel so hopeless. It wasn’t just about the money for me. This contract job is the only thing that makes me feel useful and worthy. Everyday, I go home with a new hope and a fresh mind to start my work though physically I am already worn out.

Hopefully, things will go well for me and I am looking forward to see what I could do everyday to make life a meaningful one for me. I am not gonna let any single minute to go wasteful with complains and empty talks. This contract job I am doing is also a starting point for me which will be an extra valuable input on my resume.

I remembered my cousin sister told me, every job is the same, the only difference is whether you enjoy doing it or not. Since I enjoy doing what I am doing, I think I am going to continue being useful until I meet the end point of my master life. Being a Libran is always about balance. For me, it’s about doing something that makes me feel useful, while fulfilling my responsibilities which always make me feel emotionally haggard. Whatever it is, at the end of the day, I know I have done a great job making my life significant in my own useful way.

Gym Brat

2009-05-07T17:49:00.006+08:00

One way to handle stress is to exercise more. So I am going to take that advice.

After a recommendation from a friend’s colleague, yesterday I paid a visit to Celebrity Fitness in One Utama. We got our 7-days trial and the environment was fun though I expected it to be bigger.

The Gym I visited yesterday

I was not interested in losing weight, just body toning since my fats started to bulge out from my jeans. Worse still, I had to struggle to fit into my jeans of size 25. I used to be size 24 when I was 22 years old, and I expanded to size 25 two years later, and now I am size 26. I was even surprised after finding out that i gained 3kg in these few weeks. I know it’s not really big but I can’t afford to throw away all my levi’s jeans and buy a new one. Even giving it away is such a waste. I loathe it.

My cousin brother’s business card which was given by my mom last week was initially resting on my working table. Erick is one of the sales consultant in this gym located near KL Sentral. So I decided to call him today to find out about the GYM membership. I thought it was a private or less remarkable gym since I never heard of it. He told me about a minimum 6 month contract so I was interested for a free trial. After speaking to him, I googled the gym and guess what I found out? They got great lightings with Hi-tech exercise machines. They even have rock climbing in the middle of the gym center.

The Gym

I was more enthused when I saw some good outlooks about the place from a forum online. Well, my priority is to lose some unnecessary fats around my waist, my thigh and hips to have a proportionate figure. Not to get guys to whistle on my body. It’s just for my own satisfaction and comfort.

So I am going to see my cousin and try out the place today. Hopefully my searching is over and I can have a constant exercise for body toning at the right gym.

Finally, that T-shirt with a statement of “GYM BRAT” fits the right place.

after effect

2009-05-05T23:05:00.003+08:00

dang, i was close to bursting..
too demanding family, too many things to do, too many tasks given to me and too little time...

I need a holiday or at least few extra hours per day to settle everything...

I struggled like mad to motivate myself to start my work after 2 weeks having an off mode from my work to entertain family's request.

Because of that 2 weeks off, I have about 2 weeks of work to catch up. Im starting to have acne problems now.

I need to relax.

the singing hero

2009-04-29T00:50:00.004+08:00

I have been busy driving my mum and aunt around, it was damn tiring. I dont have time to do my work, worse still, I dont even have my personal time anymore.

You know when Fellie doesnt get her personal time, she'll get cranky.

*slap* *slap*
At least I get to see my mum and spend time with her right??? Oh well, isolation is always the best remedy for a cranky Fellie.

Anyway, I just got to know Hayden Penettiere, the unbreakable cheerleader from the famous series "HEROES" SINGS TOO!! Though many people preferred her acting more than her singing, I personally say the pretty lass has some talents. Check her out!

she's not bad eh??
owh you think she sounds good because it's studio-recorded?
Check this out!

She was challenged in front of the camera and I must say she sounds good behind the mic!

Anoop's out???!!!

2009-04-23T15:43:00.002+08:00

Anoop the soulful singer from American Idol is voted out this week...

Sad but true...

Now, I have Kris Allen left in the show to cheer for!!

dirt cheap

2009-04-20T19:41:00.007+08:00

I was so excited about friday because I get to meet T and have him for the weekend. Somehow our twisted fate warned us not to meet and he has to stay in Bintulu for the weekend. Apparently, an airplane had a burst tyre during landing and the panicked passengers had no choice but to board off from where the wheel stopped turning. Lucky the crew on duty managed to have it under control otherwise airasia is going to make a history. Bintulu airport was forced to close its business at 6pm due to a stranded airplane on the runway. Calling their engineers from Kuching seemed impossible because they still need to land on Bintulu runway.

So there goes my happiness for the weekend. I have been staying at home for the whole weekend, nursing my lazy butt with a nice long hours of sleeps and good food cooked by my personal 'butler' at home. oh didn't I tell you i spent rm10 for 6 shots of tequila and few glasses of whisky last tuesday in one of the club in Bangsar???

Well, I have retired myself from camwhoring, so there's not many pictures to flaunt here. but i managed to get a few shots so i could boast about my 'luck' to other people.

here goes the few shots i managed to steal using my touch screen xpressMusic camphone - The latest model of Nokia Xpressmusic which disappoint me with its low quality pictures.

The tequila shots..
gulp!

All the drinks we ordered which cost us rm1 each shots/glass. Dirt cheap eh???

you must be wondering what happened to me after all the shots right?

Tell you the truth, I stayed sober till the last drop! Look at the glow on my face?
Do I look Excited???!!!

Who does not enjoy cheap drinks that comes along with loud music onstage!

Four jugs of beer suddenly came to our table, but I have to pass this time. Remember not to mix drinks, especially when you go out drinking. I always go by the rules of "HAVE FUN RESPONSIBLY!"

Nevertheless, a friend was excited to finally meet her happy juice that night! There are few pictures i took but I don't think it is appropriate to embarrass a friend by uploading it here. Personal picture goes personal forever guys. So pardon me for spoiling the fun here and allow me to have it in a safe keeping.

On Sunday, I enjoyed a very brief yet interesting sermon from the priest in SFX where he mentioned about the biggest Britain surprise from the Reality Show "Britains got Talent", Susan Boyle and the cynicism from the audience before she open her mouth to sing.

"Who the heck is Susan Boyle?"

Those who are still stucked in their nutshell, check youtube and type the "Susan Boyle" on the search pane. You will see videos of her on Britain's got Talent.

Another thing that excite me the last weekend was the Clearance Book Sale in Carrefour. Blame my 'nerd' genes for the temptation on books.

But it's worth buying since it's rm5 each and the books are brand new. Look at the number of books (me and a friend combined) which will last me for at least half a year.

Happy!

Falling and moving slowly

2009-04-18T19:08:00.006+08:00

Falling slowly

Kris Allen and Anoop Desai always wow me with their superb performance. But for this week, Kris is a bomb after bringing the song from the movie 'Once' called 'falling away'.

It's an amazing song with an amazing lyric...

hope you, too, will like it as much as i do.....

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Moving Slowly

Anyway, I managed to move 60% of my belongings from the kennel to Taman Desa. 10% more will be transferred slowly as I don't want to make a drastic change of environment, plus moving house is tiring. I had a very bad backache after carrying heavy stuff early this week. Whereas the other 30% will be for sale since the old furniture will only ruin the theme color for Taman Desa house.

So, today i finished unpacking those heavy boxes and bags. I got myself a new work station after moving the single bed to the master bedroom.

My new work station

where dreams are made..

This is where I hide all my personal stuff...

Ta daaaaa !!!!

All the toiletries..

My dressing table... It's small but i like the mirror..

so now you know where I live....:)

optimism

2009-04-18T01:44:00.001+08:00

Everything is now going on the right track. I would say this might be a blessing in disguise, I will never know. It was never easy to keep your head on a brighter side all the time but yes If you want to be happy with what you are doing then you should be optimistic.

I came to UKM to collect a GRA form from my superior’s office. I was surprised to see the amount she’s giving me per month. It was a good deal. I guess we have found our middle ground at last. Now, I don’t have to think about my financial problem and just focus on writing.

My priorities will still be the same. Write and Write.

Dream on!

2009-04-14T00:20:00.004+08:00

I was excited to see Jimmy's pictures from his Euro trip. Mostly I felt jealous. What a lucky lad!!! That was my dream to see the Eiffel tower, to see people smoke crap in public legally, and to see London not from the pictures of course but with my own eyes.

I almost fainted when he told me the amount he spent for the trip. But he said I can always go for a budget trip. As excited as I always am, I began checking the ticket price to London for December this year. Maybe Jim doesn't have to celebrate Xmas and NY alone. Maybe I can be there to celebrate with him on behalf of the whole family.

But yea, reality hurts. I am draining my savings now to sustain myself every month, how am I going to save a 10K in 8 months without a job?

Whatever it is, I must fly across the Indian Ocean to the North, at least once before I have to hit the altar. I Must! I Must! I Must! It's a new target in my bucket list :)

But a small voice told me, "dream on, fellie!" yea, for now.....

The final battle

2009-04-13T12:04:00.002+08:00

In time, I will have to delete my previous entry, especially the one written in red. There’s no point getting so furious about it. I have enough guilt bitching about my superior who has done a lot of good things for me in the past. I still feel grateful for her kindness to me though it ended late 2007 after the birth of a double standard which caused a vertical drop to my performance level and of course there were the multiple events in 2008 which gave an extra gravity pull. I struggled to motivate myself because I was only a few percent away from the finishing line.

I was taking my days to process the whole confusion, the burning anger and the throbbing.

What happened to me was actually a-no-rare case. Few friends of mine went through the same thing, though the ending was different as they managed to get out from the mess. Whereas I, I don’t have the upper hand to do that since I have a chain fixed around my ankles. Because I am a MOSTI scholar. Actions can be taken against me if I refuse to obey my superior since she has the power to report against me (She even mentioned ‘blacklist’). I don’t think I can afford the consequences.

So I need to be realistic now. I need to be the one who’s controlling the situation. Yesterday was the last straw of the emotional turmoil. All those endless leaking is done and dusted. I need to put everything behind my head. I need to forget the job appointment which is now biting the dust. It’s time to do the right thing, give her what she wants and just write though I can’t promise the same old kindness anymore. All this while, the double standard was tolerated. Asses were kissed to get things done.

But now onwards, I won’t be the same anymore, so let me kiss my kindness goodbye before I start my journey to the final battle.

Defeated

2009-04-11T21:54:00.013+08:00

There was a time.

When I was a school kid. I was staying with my third-older pregnant sister. I was supposed to go to a prom night with my friends. Everything was set, I got a very nice black silky halter dress from my second-older sister who has all the beautiful clothes. I got my new heels from her too (which I have saved for a good occasion). The only thing I need to do is to take the bus and go to a saloon in Karamunsing which at that time was owned by my friend’s sister (That friend happened to be a distant cousin and her sister is my pregnant sister’s BFF back in their school days). My friend managed to talked her sister into giving me a free make-over, later I found out this friend and another friend (my class monitor) were trying to set me up with this guy from All Saints.

Their reasons were,
(1) this guy was interested in meeting me. In person. since we only knew each other through mIRC.
(2) He was one of the famous guy in Likas schools (as if popularity is the most important thing to me). Believe it or not, I was the shy-est girl on earth due to my inferiority complex.
(3) They were just fooling around with me since he’s the tallest guy at school and I am like the shortest girl in class
(4) He actually believed that I have a mixed-blood after looking at my picture and listening to my friend boasting about me.
(5) I was easily bullied.

Of course I didn’t know all the conspiracy they were trying to pull against me. I know they mean no harms. They were just bored with my shy-ness and wanted to help me with my confidence.

Like I said before, everything was set. My friend called me to inform that she’s on her way to her sister’s saloon and asked whether she should drop by to fetch me since my place was just on the way but I told her I’m taking the bus since I need to buy some time persuading my sister for a permission.

Well, of course it didn’t turn out as we hoped for. My sister dropped a bomb.

She said, “If you think prom is that important, then you go. I am not stopping you.” Of course the tone was unpleasant. It was more like a warning, a reverse-psychology threat. She is giving me a suicidal bomb. Like a good kid, I turned around and walked back to my room. I was never allowed to sulk up or I’ll get it worse. So I changed into shorts and TShirt, joined my sister in the living room as if nothing had happened, and just sit there like a good sister.

As a young teenage girl, I felt totally defeated and it was awful. It was supposed to be my first prom night, and there was never the first ever actually. I have seen it on TV and I thought it would be interesting to experience it myself.

Even though my sister didn’t exactly say no, but the improper release is enough to make me understand that consequences would follow if I go against it. I was never known to fight back even though I know I can. I was just afraid of the consequences so I agreed to be treated that way.

And now, the same feelings came back.

A feeling of defeat which need days to process. This time it was not for a teeny-weeny issues, it was an adult case and it was my superior who defeated my rights. I will never forget what happened to me on Thursday.

----THE REST OF THE ENTRY THAT FOLLOWS HAS BEEN DELETED DUE TO THE AUTHOR'S PERSONAL REASONS-------

a low point experience

2009-04-10T12:25:00.001+08:00

I feel so down, feel so helpless and definitely feel used. But I know this is the life of a research student and I should not complain. I should have known that but I never get to understand the whole system until I am being sucked into it. The problem is, the environment is not for me anymore. My whole interest in research or science had just vanished and I doubt it will ever come back.

I had the worse 3 years of my life as a student. I know I learned new things along the way, but if I have to recall, everything I have in my memory was just the heartaches, the whinings, the anger, dissatisfactions, the given-up feelings.

It really sucks. I feel so unlucky to be in this place. I should have gone somewhere else where I know I can enjoy doing my post-grad studies. Why did I choose UKM in the first place? I can’t blame them though, I had to leave Sabah at that time and UKM seems to be the only way. But then again, it was another sucker.

I feel so sorry for my superior as I can’t perform well as I used to when I started joining her team. She was initially impressed with my enthusiasms. But a lot of unpleasant things happened along the way – the insults, the favoritism cases, the insufficiencies, the lack of respects for others, the dominations, the highlighted differences etc. How can I perform when this whole thing is eating me alive? I used to be a perfectionist when it comes to academic. Everything has to be perfect and I need to impress my superiors. But now, I feel very irresponsible of course and I don’t like feeling that way. The only thing that has kept me going was the commitment I promised when I accepted the offer to do Master. I am not the kind of person who will just leave without feeling responsible for it so by hook or by crook, I have to finish.

As much as I want to start earning, Responsibilities come first, and like what my late father has always taught us - Be sincere and honest in everything you do. That is why I am not leaving this place yet, even if I know how shitty this place is for me, I had to stay.

I need a hug.

Reappearing

2009-04-09T15:06:00.001+08:00

with the bad news and a funeral...

My prof is holding me for 3 months. She refused to release me when she said “I don’t want you to fail your master.” (What she meant was, she doesn’t want to have to fail me).

That’s the worse threat I ever heard!

I have given my first draft thesis, and she said I need to change my thesis arrangement to “A” when I was originally from “A” to “B”(as suggested by her) few weeks ago. I had to rearrange them again. Lucky that was not that tough but remind me not to delete all my past drafts, because I might need to dig them out again since I have a supervisor who can’t make up her mind. Just because she is damn busy, I am the victim of the situation (she needs 3 months to be able to wrap things up with me). She doesn’t have time, yet she demands a lot with the ‘littlest’ supervision and she always doesn’t understand and the only time you can get a good feedback from her is through oral presentation meetings which she sometimes can’t keep up due to her tight schedule. There was a time we had a night presentation meeting up till 12am because that was the only time she has.

I feel bad saying this, because I know she is a nice lady just very busy and needs us to wait. Even an abstract would take a month. When it comes to work, she has to be quite nasty.

So guys, I will have a funeral today.

The funeral of my “JOB OFFER” before 5pm today.

silent hours

2009-04-07T13:03:00.004+08:00

2 weeks on a mission to be geeky and hardworking, I am already growing more white hair..
But there is something else that helps to neutralize all this madness of thesis and eternal torture..

A great company, great meal, great wine…. a great wind of change….

Going back to old times seems like a boring idea, but its time to hit the reality and I have to be there to face it anyway
Next week onwards, new life starts to unwind itself to disclose the great mystery ahead

This 2 weeks break is a good ‘silent hours’ for me..
A good escape from all those unthinkable,
It’s like visiting Rome or Paris..
It’s unforgettable..

Time is running… and so is my pen,
Chapter 1 – To be completed once everything else is completed!
Chapter 2 – half way done
Chapter 3 – Checked!
Chapter 4 – Checked!
Chapter 5 – Che----- errr no..daang!!!… I still need more information to argue my points. The absence of internet is making everything hard for me..

p/s to all the good friends out there, who has been cheering for me, really thanks guys... somehow you guys make me feel like this life isnt that bad after all..:)

the news

2009-03-25T12:50:00.003+08:00

As I have mentioned in my previous entry, I just got a job. Some friends thought I am getting married. Pardon me for being ludicrously elusive about the good news!! Marriage for me goes later since I am more excited about growing my career now. I know words spread around, penetrating through boundaries, in fact, T’s mom actually pushed the subject on us. Her reason was to get us married before I lose my youthfulness. I guess what she meant was, I look old standing beside T. Well, ‘that’ good news will come when the time comes alright?

I just got a job from a life science company (I can’t reveal the name here because I wouldn’t want to be found on google based on the keywords), where I will be working closely with hospitals and private medical centers. Fyi, I am not selling equipments or products, it’s more to service and consultation. Ask me when you see me in person.

I was really excited about the employment because this will be the first time I actually go out there and do something different in my life. My mom of course wasn’t so thrilled with the news, saying she’s being abandoned. She really wanted me to be there and I feel bad I can’t hold my life for her.

The good thing is, after the first acceptance, few offers actually came to me. An environmental company from Bangsar called up this morning and wanted to hire me. The offer was really tempting but the problem was they wanted me to join them as soon as next Monday. That will be less than a week for me to wrap up my thesis. So it was very unfortunate for me.

I called my tuition center boss, I think she’s scratching her head now looking for someone to take over my spot as it will be difficult for me to juggle my time between full-time and part time job. I wanted to help my students but it won’t be fair for them as I can’t provide them full attention.

It’s really sad that my good news has disappointed some people as I don’t like to disappoint anybody with my incapabilities.

Let’s see where it’ll take me from here..

Till then, sayonara for now…

Idol wows me

2009-03-22T01:00:00.004+08:00

Idol Kris Allen and Anoop Desai wowed me with their performance last week (March 18th) with songs like To make you feel my love and Always on my mind. Great vocals, great performance.

enjoy..

A short snippet of Kris Allen singing "to make you feel my love"

Anoop Desai singing "always on my mind"
wondering if he is related to Anita Desai (quoted from Lydia)

my future 'dissapearance'

2009-03-21T23:36:00.005+08:00

Its a good and bad news!!

The good news is, I don't have to worry anymore..

The bad news is, I have less than a month to get my thesis done, at least a first draft!

So, allow me to set my priority right. Therefore, I am announcing my temporary 'dissapearance' here.

1. No more lepak-ings with friends or any sort of entertainment that requires a whole day/night of my time.
2. No more playing Pet Society on facebook.
3. No more accommodating other people's needs.
4. No more participating in any sort of 'activities' on facebook.
5. Less msn, ym or FB chats.

I need to focus, and get it done with ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I apologize in advance if
1. There'll be unanswered sms
2. Super late sms replies/call-backs.
3. A 'no' answer to any drinking/mamaking session.
4. A 'no' answer to any activities that requires time.
5. A 'no' answer to any help you need from me which requires my time as well.

I have to be firm with myself since i notice i have been prioritizing other people's request before mine. So I am gonna stop all these for now, and let me get everything settled then I'll be able to get back to you like old times. My life is at stake, so I really need you to understand my 'dissaperance' from any kind of socialization. Just give me at least a month.

Officially now, I am shutting myself off from social zone.

p/s I will try to update my blog if there is any dire needs or time that i could spare. :)

Thanks...

Any question and you cant get me directly, pls forward it to my secretary in the kennel (hehe!).
Please find Huffie's person to answer you. :)

xoxo

Ignorance is bliss

2009-03-17T01:30:00.002+08:00

Sometimes we think people care for us, but the worst part is sometimes people show their concern because they want you to care for them. Nonsense!

It wasn’t easy for me to accept a guy in my life because that involves giving him my trust, the same goes for friends. This is why I like to keep away from people because they tend to take things so seriously about me not being able to keep tabs of their lives, or not being able to call and say I miss them or I love them so much. I don’t even speak that way with my mom, though I love mom more than anything else.

People think I don’t suffer a lot after losing a father. People think I was strong. The thing is, I don’t like making others feel guilty or sad just because I wasn’t happy. When everybody around me is happy, regardless of how I feel before then, I feel very much happy just by looking at their smiley faces. They bring the good emotions in them to soothe my sufferings inside. And that’s how I survived from heart ache.

If people can’t deal with things the way I handle things in life, then it’s just their loss. You gonna grow wrinkles on your face *for crying out loud*

Even when my little sister texted me saying she misses me, I told her “Stop being so weak and go do something else.” But when she’s in trouble, did I leave her alone? When she was almost raped, do you think I didn’t care at all? I panicked and almost cried myself! If I can find that pervert, I swear to you I will cut him to pieces and I’ll make him regret to have been born into this life. Do I deserve a life sentence just because I cant show how much I care for all the people I love? Was I really that bad for not surfacing my concern?

I am sorry, but I can’t.

For an instance, On New Year Eve. My brothers and sister went out celebrating it with a group of cousins, and why did I choose to isolate myself from all the huha-huha?? Because I was sad, I can’t pretend to be okay with it when tears are just ready to burst. I can’t expect my brothers or sister to be as sad as I am. It was the first year of passing the new year without wishing my dad and hug him physically’. Only this time I had to wish him on his grave.

Mom cried so loud after a new year prayer. What did I do at that time? I sat beside my mum, just put my hands on her shoulder and told her to be strong. I texted my younger sister, told her mom was crying. Then I sat at one corner, took my brother’s electric guitar, switched it to a mild sound, and played a slow song to ease mom’s sadness. In 10 minutes, brothers n sister came running to my mum. Hugged her. Kissed her, and they walked straight to dad’s grave. I followed them. They were crying like a baby calling my dad’s name, even my brothers. I brought the red oil, and light the candles. My eyes was filled with tears, I just shoved it off, and went back home to my book.

How can you tell I don’t care? Because I don’t cry and scream for my dad’s name?
How is it fair for me when people are talking about my lack of concern?

I think I shall follow a good advice from Brisbane.

Ignorance is bliss.

A One-Day King

2009-03-16T23:49:00.007+08:00

Direct translation from a BM word: Raja sehari

To: Fadhil

Congrats Fadhil,
It's the first page of your new chapter..
Hope you like my message on your wedding card
and hope our BIG package of gift helps to boost your hormone in your wife's arm at night
(WARNING: we're not bunch of perverts, we're just trying to help our good friend here so he doesn't have to cover his face to buy a 'night booster', well we would have given him a better gift but we thought we should be mild/easy on the teasing)

So, a toast to fadhil...
You're the first one to be 'dismembered' from our Bachelor club,
Long Live the King Fadhil who was a one-day King last weekend!!
Well fadhil, I even covered my head with Fifah's Selendang to honour your day in masjid, I hope that counts a lot to prove how happy I am for you and how glad I am to have witnessed you "walk down the aisle' except there's no aisle in the masjid...
but oh well, that's just a figure of speech, if you must understand..

Of all the pictures of your wedding I've seen so far,
this is my favourite

A picture courtesy of Azfar

Have a nice night(s) ahead, you deserve it!!! :P

the yellow form

2009-03-12T23:11:00.003+08:00

Today I have taken the yellow form from the secretariat office of Graduate center in dean's office. Hopefully by next week I get to submit this yellow form together with my abstract as to notify my thesis submission in 3 months.

Anyways, nothing much happened except for this yellow form and my 2 interviews next week.

Life is not that emotional, which is good. There is no complication in my life right now except for my worries to be unemployed. And yes, thesis writing is harder than I thought. Apart from that, life has been smooth sailing.

So guys, I don't have interesting stories to feed you but I do have some videos I would like to share which I guess will send you hours of hysteric laugh. Like what that 'Female Drivers' did to me. :)

It's Jeff Dunham with his hilarious buddy, Achmed, the dead terrorist. I hope you enjoy this video cos I really like him, I mean Achmed.

If you like Russel Peters, then you probably like this one too.

*Before you start loading, please take note that this video is not intended to offend anyone.

to date

2009-03-11T21:55:00.001+08:00

To date, I have applied almost 30 positions in 30 different companies, and so far I was only called for few interviews with only a few interested employers since I screwed up in some of the interview sessions. For days, my focus on thesis writing was disturbed due to my worries of unemployment. I am coming to 27 years old, and ages always come with greater responsibilities.

I need to be employed. Right away.

I called mom few days ago on her cell phone and she cried immediately after hearing my voice. She kept on saying about missing me and all the emotional stuff that I don’t know how to relate to. It’s true, I kept a great size of ego when it comes to my family. I seldom show my emotions and usually my TLC (tender, loving, care) is always shown through my humanity in accommodating their needs. Seldom have I mentioned ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’. Very very seldom.

But hearing mom’s voice through the phone makes me sad. I know how lonely she is. I feel guilty for delaying my return to KK. She has been waiting for me since February. Time will decide, mom.

Regardless, I feel very sad for my eldest aunty when I saw her during my visit to my cousin sister’s house in PJ. Seeing her sitting on the sofa looking so happy to see all of us makes me want to cry, I was tearing in silence. It’s really hard to see people who are close to you suffer from all these sickness.

Also, to my friend whose father is suffering from a stomach cancer, closely like what my late father suffered from last year, I wish you hopes and strength to go through this trial. I’ve been there and I know exactly how that felt like.

I guess it’s time for me to go back to my writing. I’ll blog again soon.

Female drivers!!

2009-03-06T18:00:00.000+08:00

My brother in law sent me this clip about female drivers and I can't stop laughing.

Watch this and enjoy!

Hari Keramat (in BM)

2009-03-06T16:20:00.007+08:00

This entry is requested by a persuasive friend, Azfar..

So Azfar, as promised…. in Bahasa Kebangsaan kita, Bahasa Malaysia.. (you owe me yoyo now for letting myself to post this embarassing post in BM :P...)

Dengan bangganya dan excitednya seperti yang telah dijanjikan saya ingin mengumumkan Hari Keramat (I dont even know what Keramat means) saya pada 05hb March (kemarin) kerana saya dengan officialnya telah menghabiskan kerja makmal saya. Selepas ini, saya boleh suda concentrate sama writing saya.. (dang, my BM damn suck!)

Rewind… ehermmm *clearing throat*

Dengan bangganya, ingin saya umumkan hari keramat saya iaitu pada hari semalam, 05 hb March di mana saya dengan jayanya telah menyiapkan semua kerja makmal saya. Dengan sukacitanya, saya ingin memberi notis pencen sebagai Pelajar Sarjana yang akan menemui titik noktahnya pada bulan May di mana pada bulan tersebut, dijangkakan penulisan Tesis saya akan siap. Diharap rakan-rakan sekalian dapat memberi sokongan yang penuh sebagai tanda kebanggaan anda terhadap kehabisan saya dengan memberi hadiah seperti Wain yang berumur lebih daripada 100 tahun. Saya ingin meraihkan kebebasan yang tidak terhingga ini daripada kongkongan yang selama ini telah menghantui hidup saya kerana telah terlebih masa. Diharap penaja saya, Kementerian Sains, Teknologi dan Innovasi Malaysia (MOSTI) dapat memberi kelonggaran daripada kongkongan yang sangat ketat selama ini kerana sekurang-kurangnya, saya sudah habis.

Sekian, dan harap maklum.

Please don’t ask me to write more, this is embarrassing enough…

I am done!

2009-03-02T10:24:00.005+08:00

I am really done playing kid
I am sticking to that new direction
No sappy feelings, no one gets hurt
I am still careful and will always be

I am done playing dumb
The key will be utilized this moment on
The door will be locked for those who bring knife to my home
The door will be opened for those with flowers in their hand and I will serve them a fine wine in return
And, they will be in my memory

I am done with ashes
They are gone with the wind
They will be a closed chapter as they flew away

As I wash my hands, I will be smiling to myself
Goodbye misery, I'll be happy from now on

My prince is giving me a ride on his brawny horse
and I will be a happy princess in my own castle
You are welcome to my garden
As long as you don't bring your witches to destroy my land

No turning back, No tears given
My hands are full, you can give me kisses on the cheek
I will love you still with all my heart
But don't destroy my heart as it is precious to me
Once betrayed, it bleeds forever
and my heart will never be the same again
and you will never see the same pure heart tomorrow

-Lie I Am-

2009-03-01T22:13:00.004+08:00

I intend to wait till I am not freaking busy with analysis to write again, but something just made me write.

I feel sad that I don’t get to send a dear friend who left for Melbourne yesterday. I feel sad that the timing was off and I didn’t get to attend his makan-makan at home to wish him a proper farewell. I feel even more awful because this friend has been a dear to me since our undergrade years and he has been there for everyone even for people who is not good in keeping in touch, like me. But I know he understands. He knows me too well that he’ll just say, “It’s so you, Lie. I understand.”

Jeff, have a safe trip to Melbourne (Even if you're already there) and all the best for your phd. You will always be in my prayers.

Regardless, my feelings of sadness today is triggered by another.

I have a lot of friends. A LOT. Some are very close, some are just acquaintances, and some are very very dear to me. But sadly, I don’t have all the time for them.

I can be one who will never betray you and I can be a very good listener if you want me to. But time is always a problem to me and keeping in touch is my weakest point. If any of you could minus all the weak points that I have, I'm sure problems are certainly solved.

Iron lady

2009-02-26T23:27:00.003+08:00

She was dragged into a kancil.
Almost raped.

With a good intention of starting the lent season,
today,
She went to a church with a friend with the intention of asking for a blessing from Mother Mary.
Little that she knows a good intention could turn into a disaster

Her friend had to leave for 10 minutes to send an umbrella to her mom,
So she went in alone which of course she didn’t mind at all.

After lighting the candles and completing her prayers,
She went to the road to wait for her friend’s return.
But she wasn’t aware of her surroundings

A kancil came from behind,
Like a wind she was dragged into the car.

There were two man,
One fair Chinese looking guy did the dragging,
And a dark-skin guy with a cap on was driving,
Both were suspected to be high on drugs or alcohol

The guy who dragged her into the car was on top of her,
holding her so tight while kissing her neck and molesting her.
she was screaming her heart out with great disgust

Suddenly, dad’s face appeared in her memory with great intensity
and the UMS incident where a girl from UMS was dragged into a kancil andwas raped made her even more determined to break free
She refused to suffer for the same fate

She was thinking hard then,
how to defeat the man who was doing her,
she’s good in human anatomy,
so she chose the chest as the target

The man was strangling her then,
Trying to shut her off by choking her to unconsciousness
as she was struggling with her might to escape
The driver made a turn causing the fair looking man to stumble to the side close to her leg

She was thinking fast,
With her greatest might,
She used her only weapon at that time – her leg
And kicked him hard on the chest

The guy was short of breath after the attack,
The driver was shouting NOOOOO as he witnessed the defeat of his friend,
Like a superhero,
She jumped off from the car before the guy could even breathe

She hid in the forest while those men was searching for their prey,
She was trembling in tears and phoned her friend,
Her rescue came and she was safe again

She was a strong lady,
She escaped uninjured and most importantly still intact,
I couldn’t imagine to be in her shoes.
Even after what happened she could still talk to me with a clear voice

How glad I am that my little sister was okay.
She's an Iron lady.

World map

2009-02-24T14:29:00.006+08:00

Believe it or not, I am very bad in geography. When I said bad, its very very very bad beyond explanation.

“Ohh! I thought Dubai is in India?”

“I think you meant Bombay or Mumbai.”

“And where is New Zealand? I thought it should be near Switzerland or Sweden since their names almost rhyme with each other.”

“Noooo, It’s down under! Oh my goodness, your school teacher should fail you in geography!”

“Oh shooott!!!!" What can I say, I haven't been learning much about geography for 10 years now since PMR.

But I know where Madagascar is because of the movie.

It’s pretty much embarrassing, I know. But seriously, I have taken the subject for granted. So much for saying I love travelling huh? I don’t even know what country is on the left, or right of the world map.

So today, I learned about Ottoman Empire from an Iraqi friend who has been kind enough to share some historical and geographical information which I never took time to learn. We even googled the world map. Like a kid, I played a little searching game on the map.

“Let’s find Brazil! Where is Netherland, Iceland, Argentina, Mexico, and Portugal??!!”

It doesn’t take long to understand the whole map. All this while I only know from Australia till Thailand, and after that, my knowledge is almost zero. I should be ashamed of myself even though I know these places by names.

So guys, don’t tell me you know where Morocco is, or Sahara, or Ecuador. I believe some people from the west doesn’t even know the existence of Malaysia. So I intend to share my knowledge here.

To those who took geography for granted, it’s not too late. I have something for you here to start with. Have a look on the map and see how much you know about the world.

Obama's twin brother?

2009-02-23T21:18:00.003+08:00

Obama left his twin brother in Indonesia?

I certainly hope not. :)

Ilham Anas a photographer from Indonesia strikes a strong resemblance to the newly-elected US president Barack Obama. Find the article here and here.

People often mistaken him for Obama and took pictures with him. He starred in a phillipino commercial, which makes his fame grows even more worldwide.

Fatherly love

2009-02-23T14:29:00.005+08:00

It was tough making them understand. But I am glad, in the end they agreed though they said I should have called SPA. Part of me was consumed by guilt for not being responsible but the other part of me is jumping for joy for not having to go through it again. I just need to take a breather. At least for now.

I will try again when I am ready, or maybe when their bad news isn’t so bad for me already, or when (maybe) I am earning somewhere and SPA is just like a passing wave that rocks my boat on the sea.

I had a good weekend except for a time when we left his house for a short outing to Starbucks on Sunday and we had to wave at a sad-looking dad at the front door. The face looks so creepy like I have stolen his son.

“Don’t think too much about it. It’ll pass.” His comforting voice never failed to calm me. His parents loved him as though he’s the only son. He has done great things for his family and he has been a responsible man. Yet that is never an excuse for his father not to remind his son about the importance of disciplines and decorum in every conversations they had.

T suffered a lot after two accidents last year (and one of it was a major case). Thank gawd, he didn’t suffer physically but financially. Though it was never a drunk-driving case, his father always claimed that it was T’s lack of responsibilities on things. First accident happened when he decided to finish his work in the office till midnight. I can’t tell you how workaholic this guy is. The second happened at the borderline of Sabah-Sarawak when his car skidded in the rain and went turtle after hitting a lamp post. That happened two days after my dad’s funeral. He was coming to visit my family to say his condolences in person.

Despite all the problems he is having, yet today, he bought his father a Perodua Viva. I was not surprised that a down-to-earth and a knowledgeable man who is a retired MAS captain pilot chose to drive a Viva. He said it is conducive enough for him and his wife. It reminds me of my dad who gave away his old Land Rover to buy a van for his extra income (apart from his 8am-5pm job), just so he gets to feed his 14 kids. Because of my dad, his perseverance as a father, his kindness as a man, I am what I am now and I believe he is now in Heaven tapping his foot on the ground and listening to his favourite song as his 100th day of earthly departure is fading away in the midnight of 21st February. Dad is not coming home anymore to play with mom. Mom won’t be able to hear him during her daily rosary anymore and Mom will soon find all her things which were hidden by him.

We both acknowledged this love.

This mutual conception of fatherly love has brought us together,
and I hope we’ll make a better future when our time has come.

Off the hook!

2009-02-21T10:38:00.002+08:00

I missed my PTD exam today. I had to beg for T to let me off the hook this time because I really don't want to do it anymore, at least for now, because things are a bit tough for me at the moment. I am too tired to be excited and motivated for the exam.

Like I said, there's no point going for the exam because even if i pass the exam and go for PAC, they won't take me because of the obvious reason. I can't speak BM the way they do, unless maybe if i apply under Sabah. I have to say I don't have the confidence to out stand myself. Worse still, I get intimidated really fast and that kills my confidence. My brother told me once to use an insider, but I just thought if i got accepted for my qualification, then i can be proud of it rather than getting accepted even when I don't qualify. So at least for now, I know that I have fought fairly for my chance .

Anyway, my focus is more to my work at this time. I have about a week or two left to complete my final analysis for my project, and hopefully all will go smooth as planned. Then after that, I will proudly retire myself from Lab Works and hire myself to a full-time 'thesis-writing' job on my own work station at home. It is my final semester and if i miss another deadline, I am a dead meat to MOSTI.

Oh yeah, to answer your question Gnet, I am doing a project under the combination of Petroleum-Microbiology-Biochemistry-Biotechnology-Environmental Science field. What I am doing exactly is to find a solution for Petroleum clean up in a biological way, for example using microorganisms or bacteria to be specific. You can try BIOREMEDIATION on Google. That ought to be enough to explain my work. :D

morning series

2009-02-19T10:48:00.006+08:00

Bad news is, I have wasted a good 45 minutes today waiting for someone to open the instrumental lab for today’s business. Good news is my biological clock has been corrected and now I don’t have to struggle to sleep at night or drag myself to wake up.

There was no heavy traffic in front of campus, everything was smooth sailing compared to yesterday, except for the striking sun which is rising exactly right in front of where I was heading to. I had to use one hand to cover my eyes though I was already on my sunglasses, and the other hand gripping carefully on to the wheel. Driving with too much light reflecting to my eyes is another struggle but there’s nothing I could do about it. I have to wait till my finance is good, only then, I could go to the eye specialist.

I got a nice road-side parking which is only 15 feets away from the staircase to my lab. Then, without wasting any precious time of my life, I got my samples ready in half an hour and immediately walked through two buildings on both sides towards the Chemistry building. With bags clutching tightly on both of my tiny shoulders and one hand holding my sample, I was all motivated for today’s progress!

Carrying and walking is no problem if I get to the lab soon after but I had to wait for another 45 minutes for the lab to be opened. Time was wasted but I couldn’t complain more because that’s one thing I could not change here. So I took a good use of that 45 minutes by reading while listening to my MP3. The passer-by looked at me as though I was an outsider waiting to commit a crime. Worse still, I even saw one guy spitting from the third floor and didn’t even look down if his spits hit someone. Ewwww! That was disgusting!

Guys, next time when you feel a drop of liquid from above, don’t just merely assume that it’s going to rain. Look up immediately and teach that spitting fella some manners!

Enough said. I took some pictures while I was at the corridor. Just ease your eyes with some unimpressive pictures outside the Instrumental lab.

This was where I was coming from, a very dark hallway

The lab

The front view of the corridor

The blue blue sky outside the lab. I bet today is gonna be another HOT day!

Not even a single cloud to filter the heat

The book I was reading

Oh well, since i cant go back Sabah, mind as well just go for the exam so i dont have to explain to his father the reason why i miss the exam. Lying to him seems to be very hard.

I hope they understand that i dont want to do this anymore cos there's no point anyway, I still can't get it! Maybe i should go for a BM class where they teach you how to speak BM in semenanjung slang so you wont get intimidated by those brainiac who can speak BM very well! So what if I can't speak like how they speak? Sipak karabau terajang trus! Kana bubut pun inda laju juga ba! Tau la sia tu, orang ulu duluan balik, yang berduit main duduk pun kena kasi suap juga beh! peiii...

And the dirty floor where I have seated

I wanted to take a picture of that spitting fella but it happened to fast and my hands were too slow..

Signing out..

ARK

2009-02-18T16:31:00.005+08:00

Today I experienced myself the meaning of A.R.K (Act of Random Kindness).

I made a new friend today. A PhD student from Iraq. He came to get a little tutoring and guidance on Gas Chromatography for his analysis. I have to admit, his timing was a bit off as I need to focus on my analysis and do a lot of reading but turning him down seems to be very harsh as I always try my best to help anyone in every way I can even to those I barely knew.

The truth is, I have always been nice to international students.

First, I know how hard it was for them to blend in with the local students with all the differences. Even I myself, as a local Malaysian from Borneo found it very hard to be in the same frequency as they are just because of few redundant differences.

Secondly, I like to get to know new people and talk to them, not just for empty talks but for a real conversation. For example, like today, after we finished the ‘teaching’ session, this guy shared lot about peace he did not get from his country with me. He told me his experience when he was still back home where he has to be awake all night sitting at the front yard with a gun in his hand just so he can protect his family from any invasion. Though I don’t have a first-hand experience on that kind of situation, listening from his stories gave me goose bumps.

Plus, It’s always good to know their perspectives of culture and stuff. It helps to understand a bit why some Middle East students acted the way they did. This guy had been very open-minded in answering some of my sensitive questions. You wouldn’t believe if I say, he can speak Bahasa Malaysia very fluently, maybe better than me since my semenanjung slang is like a cat barking for food.

I was a bit worried, of course, because this ‘getting-to-know-you’ stuff seems to be a little bit extended to a stage where he insisted to buy me lunch. I said no initially, but he said he must since I was very helpful. Actually, I was more than helpful to him for a first-time meeting. I’ve had experience where people called me ‘stupid’ right to my face just because I don’t know stuff. But here I am teaching somebody the same thing I did not know about a year ago. Yes, this Iraqi fella doesn’t know a DAMN LOT of stuff about gas analysis. However, it does not qualify you to call him stupid just because you know a lot. I went through stages of learning to get to where I am now.

I know how it was in the past and because of those bitter experiences, I don’t think it’s nice to know another person facing the same humiliation as I did. So to celebrate my kindness to that person, I said yes to lunch. We weren’t alone of course, my brother’s friend joined us for lunch too.

Here are some pictures i took from Instrumental lab in Chemistry where I temporarily work.

My temporary work station from 8am-5pm

Where i spend most of my waitings..

Gas Chromatography Machine (used for gas separation analysis)
My best friend at the moment 'who' I hope won't make me cry again..

wind of change

2009-02-16T12:43:00.006+08:00

I had a very good interview with a life science company at Megan Avenue II today. The interviewer was slightly serious yet very pleasant to me. He kept asking me why I wanted to do marketing job or sales when my options are wider given that I have a strong science background. He was surprised that I chose marketing/sales job over lab technologist post. I assured him that I have been in research field for years, and this time I would like to do something more outdoorsy and meeting people. He wasn’t convinced of course, so I had to satisfy him with a better answer. But we had a good session. There'll be a second interview for the shortlisted candidates.

I am not putting so much of hopes, I have learned from my previous mistake. I am just gonna go with the flow, building my confidence through interviews, perfecting my communication skills by being clear and concise with the information I am delivering during the interview. I am merely preparing myself for the big shot company so while I am at it, I just follow wherever the wind blows me.

Of course, you will ask me why would I change my field?

I like management jobs or marketing and I like being part of the system. Most importantly, I like doing something which makes me feel good. I like talking to people and get their perspectives of things. I am all about personal development rather than doing something that makes me feel stupid all the time. Research does not satisfy my personal development anymore though I used to be very good at problem solving and scientific troubleshooting when I was doing my undergrad thesis. But now, not anymore. My talents had been suppressed with the stagnant growth of my interest and I am very unmotivated. I am not interested in lectureship though I am doing a part-time teaching job in a center. But that’s just a part time job to sustain myself every month. Besides, my four-wheel bestfriend who followed me wherever I go needs to drink fuel every month too.

Don's get me wrong, research is a very good field, but it's no longer my thing anymore. I have passed through the stage of convincing myself about being a researcher.

Besides, if I do marketing or sales, I get to wear formal skirts like this... (cool huh?)

With my personality, which one suits me better?

This..

or this....

Jim.Valen

2009-02-14T09:30:00.007+08:00

One reason to why I never celebrated V day in a 'supposedly' way? As a family person, I always reserve this day for the youngest one in the family. It's my brother’s day, only this time he is not here to blow the candles in Malaysia with us. Every year, while everyone is running around to buy presents for their loved one, we, the unmarried ones in the family, will be running around to find Jimmy's favorite stuff to give him as present. It became a tradition after almost 10 years of doing the same thing.

V day is always a family thing for us, after Jim cuts his cake, all the married ones will flaunt their wife/husband's gifts in front of all of us and I will be the loyal one who says, "Oh me goodness!! That's just so romantic!!"

This day is always meant for you, Jim.

JIMBAXTER VALEN,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIL’ BRO!

Hope you have a wonderful celebration in a Swiss way!

And I know you already did!

work madness

2009-02-14T01:38:00.002+08:00

For the whole week, I’ve been cracking my head with thesis and juggling my time between lab works, unexpected errands, and my tuition classes. Not forgetting spending some time on job application and the interview preparation. At least what I could do this Friday night (to unwind myself from all this madness) is to hit the bar and have fun. Unfortunately, nothing best catch in but I was cool with it. I got GG to occupy my evening.

Frustrating as it always seems, Mr.T is in no mood for a night talk because he got too much of drinks with his colleagues tonight and he’s too sleepy to entertain any of my topic of conversation. He even slept while I was talking to him on the phone. As upset as I was with him, I have to let him off this time because I did want him to have some fun, especially after being a workaholic for weeks without a decent break! He deserves this reward so I’m just gonna put the case to rest and put away all these bitter feelings without complaining.

It’s a relief that I have the whole Saturday to do my work without time limits since Sunday is a working day for me as I have three science classes. *sigh*

It has been a tiring week for me. I am really looking forward to a nice hibernation at home.

signing out.... ready to hibernate..