A friend once forgotten...

I was browsing through the pictures I have in my keeping. Some were taken a year ago, and some even as old as 5 years… phew, I have been living for almost 25 years.. haha. It was a good refreshment of the good old days. I miss those days. Looking at those pictures, I think my friend was right. I had some meat around my body that time compare to the present size. Well guys, I guess u can see it better than I do because as far as I can only see myself now, I look the same, only older and less innocent (hah!)

…..And something hit me when I saw a friend’s picture, an old friend from UMS who I thought was a good friend. Yes, he was indeed a good friend but I guess he was at the wrong position at that time, to betray me. Sigh.

But I guess, it was not right to punish him either.

I regret whatever happened between me and him, and if I am able to turn back time, I wish i can be more understanding and forgiving.

I know it’s useless to regret it now or to just say it as though nothing can be done to fix it. What I’m saying is, I am going to fix it before it’s too late. It was too suprising that he dissapeared without a trace and no one ever know where he is until few weeks ago (after getting in touch with so many people to find him), T told me he is now residing in Singapore. No matter where he is now, we (me and T) together are going to look for him and apologize for everything that happened in the past, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it was.

I wish it is never too late to say sorry, Eugene…….

F.A.I.T.H ahead of me

Life is pretty much like a basketball game to me lately. There is pain, excitement, joy and suspense at every turns. The most exciting was getting to know T’s family and fitting in. Right now all I know is, I need to get done with my master and hopefully there is chance for me to even grow wider in the world outside, and if i ever get the chance to further my level, i will never hesitate to do so, probably then i am ready to settle down with him, which i will when the right time comes.

The meeting with Clifford few days ago was a very much pleasurable as we have shared a lot about our life and the future we dreamed of having. I know I have taken all the chances for being happy for granted and right now, I need to embrace every moment I have and appreciate those who are dear to me while pursuing my dream. The past few events in my life had made me realize a lot of things and I, from now on, will never ever daydream of a perfect life but live life to the fullest and start being happy instead of reaching out. Happiness is earned, not gained. I shall not torture myself just to fix my imperfect life anymore.

“No matter how much you try to reach the top, you should never ever let those who love you stray behind.” I may have lost a lot in the past, and was deeply hurt but I promise myself I will never hurt myself that way again. What passed is passed, and it is time to move on and focus on what’s evolving around me.

I have been downgrading myself too much lately that it destroyed my self-esteem but now I have regained all the spirits I once have and be a new person with faith ahead of me.

I should thank a lot of my friends, especially my dearest one who has been there for me at times of trouble. You have been my FAITH when everything falls apart. I should also thank God for having His mercy upon me and bless me with His peace and love.

As I leave KK tomorrow evening, i will leave nothing but footprints and bring nothing but memories.

Act of contrition

Thanks for being honest eechi, and dont worry im not hiding myself here because i know where i stand and i am not here to defense myself anymore...

To be honest, when I read ur comment eechi, I feel like deleting it immediately because it was too much to take but deleting it will only means I am hiding it, and it’s only fair to let it stay published since I have wrote about you guys too. I remind myself it is not wrong to face the charge and let everyone know what really happened and what kind of person I am… now I really don’t mind if people starts to judge me because I have let go all my anger and my disappointments for the last events and I am willing to put down my sword for peace… I really want to make it up, lay the cards on the table (listen to you all and explain things), not to defense myself but to reach the understanding between each other so we can make peace and be friends again… but I guess it may not happen since I don’t have much time here in KK.

Ive tried to make you all understand but i guess the damage is beyond repair, so there's not much i can say to fix it.. i admit it's very immature of me to even publicize the previous post as well, (i was warned) but it's the only way to reach to you girls..

I am sorry that i have judged you and Jo (saying that you are all being immature and are still the same) but as far as i remember i haven't really badmouthed you guys.. there is one stage of life where i want to reach out to you girls but i just couldn't because i was too scared that i will be misjudged since I have broken up with Chris.. i was really sensitive about everything that time and maybe words slipped out from my mouth out of frustration..but honestly eechi, i have never talked bad about you, especially you.. well again, i sound defensive..

i really duno what to say... i duno why i din sms you all that day, i cant remember.. the only thing i remember is i was also confused that day and i thought u understand how demanding my sister can be.. my sister!! i sacrificed a lot for her and even got a D in my Bio and the rest is C back in UMS just to take responsibilities at home... but none of that matter now.. i know i should have sms you guys, that was my mistake..

and maybe ive put my family too much priorities that ive forgotten abt you all that day... i know i was selfish.. I can see it though that time I din realize it that way.

well, let's put it behind us eechi... let's just move on with life... it's my bad that the friendship is broken... if we can't be friends anymore, it's ok eechi. i know whatever i say here will only make things worse... i really duno what to do so i will leave it to this dot chi..

what i can say here is... i am sorry for everything that happened.. it's not my nature to bow down this much except when i really want to fix something, you know me well, my pride is too high to be degraded (not easy for me to say sorry) but ive put it off hundred percent and went all out for this, but i think this is the best i can do...just let time heal, let God decide..

There will be a lot of my friends reading this, but it doesn’t matter if I will be judged or not… it doesn’t matter anymore that my pride is taken away.. all I know is, when I say sorry, I was really really sorry, and I was really sincere and I meant it so much…

I am here to admit all the mistakes I have done, I was hoping that you girls will try to accept and understand each other again.. im not pointing fingers here as I have done a lot myself to damage the friendship, just to fix my farking life.. it has taken a lot of me to do this.. and please understand that I am not trying to show my inocence here and making you all the bad guy, I am here to ask for forgiveness…. and I really really really hope that this time you guys will understand my intention for being sorry and forgiveness is all I ask...

again, I am sorry for everything… now I am almost at the stage where my life is stable and happy. I have accepted whatever your (and the rest) anger towards me… maybe this post will re-ignite the anger again, I really really duno what else to do to make it okay because I have given everything that I have in me to fix this and hopefully my heartfelt apology is heard..

A clarification for "Jan 8th 2006"

What happened on Jan 8th 2006? This was the date I was supposed to meet my old friends but it turned out that I cant make it, not because I have changed and refused to catch up with old friends, but I was with my family.

I went back to KK on the 30th December 2005 to make it up with my sister and to celebrate New Year with her. There had been a long silence between us after I left for KL on Oct. I refused to be in contact with her for such a long time after the conflicts between us. She didn’t even send me to the airport and that was the same day I cried myself out in my dad’s arm.

The moment I was in KK, all I can think of is the two adorable kids and home. I spent the whole week in KK with my family. I was glad that I know I didn’t lose them after all. I didn’t have the time to go out and hang out with my friends, not because I don’t feel like to, for me at that time, family comes first, and I don’t want to hurt them by going out meeting friends when they need me at home the whole time. My flight back to KL was on Jan 8th. Since Jimmy was registering for his first semester in KDU on Jan 7th, I had to change my flight to Jan 5th or 6th (I cant exactly remember). We were busy on that Saturday helping Jimmy to register class and hostel before getting him some provisions. We finished everything around evening and went back straight to Cititel to rest before another round of shopping.

The next day, which was Sunday. I helped my sister with her shopping spree. That was also the day which my UMS friends were having a mini reunion. However, as much as I wanted to go and meet them I cant just leave my sister with all the shopping list, she needed me. I was thinking of meeting them after my family leave KL but in the end, we sent them off to airport and spent time with them there before our goodbyes. For those friends that I have missed, I am utterly sorry for missing the day and believe me, it was not intentional as u believed it was.

It’s true that I will never expect anyone to like me or to understand me, that depend on every individuals on this planet. If I deserve your friendship, deep down inside of me i am really thankful for that but I am a human being, I do make mistakes but please don’t judge me by the mistakes I have done before you know what is really happening in my life. Having a big family is never too easy and creating a new life from scratch takes a lot then one breath, it takes more than you think.

I have sacrificed my comfort zone to pursue my dreams. What i wanted in life is far beyond what other people can expect. I grew up in a tough family but i'm glad because it made me what i am today -> well-determined, strong-minded, gutsy, independant and a survivor... no matter what life throws at me, i know i can always survive and that's one thing i can be proud of myself.

When someone is comfortable enough to be proud of herself, that means he/she is already happy (tell me if im wrong). and Yes i am really sure that now, i am at the correct path..

For your record, there are no grudges nor hatred in my keeping. What really happened was all for the reformation of my life for the betterment of my future. period.

Thanks for reading.

It's time to let it go

My advice is - You should just ignore the previous post.

Life has been okay, though today I was in pain the whole day. Hopefully it’s just a normal infection which I got it before 5 years ago. But fadhil kept on saying, it could be gall stones. I was being so paranoid this morning when I was having problems in urinating. I called neena for few times to get assurance of my condition and at the same time getting an advice from her. She has been so kind in helping and give me instructions on what-to-do. So I did what she asked.

I am taking alkalinizer at the moment, and I think I am recovering despite the pain during urinating. If the condition is the same or getting worse, I will consult a doctor. But I will give it another few days and see how it goes.

Lionel is staying over at my place till he fly back to KK for his semester break. I know he cant wait to go back. The face I recognize before. But it was gone forever but he has it, and I miss having that kind of feeling. Well, I have nothing left in KK now except for my family (but like usual, there’s always issues among them) so im just gonna concentrate on what I am doing here, and of course I still love my hometown but it’s just too much to bear at the moment.

Im just gonna focus on my life. Him. Studies. Research. Financial issues etc. It’s just a waste of time thinking of things that are failing. I did the best i could, but i think letting go is the best choice. I am moving on people, and I am so glad I am over it.

A need of a closure

No more memories
Throw away memories
She hates memories
They hit her hard, they hate her

It‘s a closure
A definite closure
No more Miss nice girl
She just died today

She was hurting
She was crying
She was suffering
She has to end it

He came along
Brought a rose
He took her hand
Kiss her forehead…

He whispered to her ear and said,

“things will be okay,
don’t worry,
my love for you will never die.
Let them hurt you,
I will always be here for you,
I love you.”

One night, she was on her knees
Hands together and prayed,
“God, let me be okay,
For tomorrow will be another day,
Let me shine throughout the day,
And make everyone around me smiles,
For I care for them so much.”

Later that night he returned and told her.
“I will take care of you forever.”
She cried in her sleep,
Her smile on her face is enough to tell the world that
She is now happy
With the new love she just found.

Happiness requires maintenance

Memories hit me again. It hurts so much when you realize you’ve lost a lot after you’ve thrown it all away the last time. You thought you’ve got it all cover up for you, and that it’s easy for you to go on. You think you are the superhero now – BUT ONLY TO FIND OUT, YOU SCREWED UP EVERYTHING U’VE GOT IN THE PAST!! Now, are you a superhero? Or a super loser? It hurts.

It’s hard to disclose the fact that you regret the things you’ve done. Throwing away the entire thing you loved the most. I thought happiness is accessible and it stays forever. But Happiness is all about maintenance. If you fail to maintain it, then it will all come crashing down.

I really hope Badminton will help this time.

Thinking and worrying too much?? - IGNORE laaa!!

The focal problem im having for the past few days is – Thinking and worrying too much. Ive been expecting too much and now it’s making me really down. I came home early today right after I finished preparing my inoculum. I thought my idea would work that I could use the incubator we have in the lab but only to find out that it wasn’t good enough for instant bacteria growth. It’s really another disappointment for me this week. So I cancelled on my hourly OD reading for tonight and now I have to monitor the growth for a week, which is a hassle when I can get results in one night. Ooops, correction there… I dun mind the hassle; it’s just that, I need to get result before Dr.Brid leaves Malaysia. It’s not easy having discussion through email or even instant message. *sigh*

I really hope I didn’t miss Dr.Brid today. It’s her busy week. I know I should be waiting in the lab, in case she might drop by before going off again. *sigh*

I came home and slept the whole afternoon, trying to get rid of the overwhelming frustration. It’s good to ignore our problems sometime because thinking and worrying too much won’t help!! It’s dinnertime now, and that means eating alone again (As though I’m not accustomed to that!)

Oh well, my SMS is working again. At least there’s something to be happy about today.

Life is a challenge, and thank goodness im not giving up…. Just yet!

Being one with so many hopes, yet in chorus with doubts

“What if” questions start popping into my head, harmonizing the fact that there are so many possibilities that could happen instantly. A gush of fear starts streaming down to my spine. Though the future is so far-off, yet it is still on the horizon. That means my future is at stake, or I’m just exaggerating here.

Was talking to a dear one last night about the fear I was having all night long, which in turn give me a severe migraine that I could almost swallow the whole pack of pain-killer. But it was true what he said, it’s too early to think about the future and it’s not healthy worrying about it now. Gosh, it is scary to have all the dreadful feelings and those fears; it feels like the bed I was lying on is gulping me down alive. I know it’s insane to think of all the unknowns of the future ahead when you have your present events to think about.

Disregard to the matter above, my lab work is in negligence, which is totally not good. But I’m glad I get to help a friend to finish-off her thesis-printing. At least I could use some fun - laughing and talking about good stuff.

We are still having problem with the whole “sharing-the-streamyx” thing at home. We really need an expert to help us here. Anyone who is free tonight, call me and help me!!

p/s Elliot is almost out last week, fortunately Bucky is willing to take his ride home.. yays!!

What MONEY can and can't do.. ask yourself!!

It's pretty amazing how money can change people's life... i mean ive seen it myself.. some people that i really care about. It's pretty clear to me that when it comes to money, everybody forget about other important things in life for some instance- kindness, morality, friendship etc. What can you say, money is the root for everything, according to some people. They are willing to do anything when it comes to that.

But what money can do for you? can it buy you love? or friendship? just because you can have everything you want with money, doesnt mean you have the right to downgrade other people right? do you have aura when you have the money? it makes me think, what if you dont have money? does it make you a person without aura? what aura really means anyway? oh goodness, i need a dictionary to make me understand this whole thing, its beginning to confuse me...

what money can buy?
1. Friends
2. House
3. Book

what money can't buy?
1. Friendship
2. Home
3. Knowledge

That's only a few example that i can think of now.. but i think it is enough to make you realize that money can't give you everything tho' it can help you in some ways... Dear friends, think of others who and what matter the most to you. you wont know what ure missing until you lost them... Do not take thing for granted.. Hope you have a good life..

"EXPECTATION is neVeR a MiddLe NaMe For Me"

Anonymous said...
Ran through your blog, was interested with the blog you just posted... yeah, friends come and go, but it all depends on both party. You cannot expect your friends to keep looking for you when you didn't even make the effort of replying them. That's what i thought... So, i think you have your part to do to maintain a friendship... All I can say is, human are selfish, no matter they say otherwise, they are selfish in some aspect... Peace...
2:20 PM

Thanks for the comment, dear anynomous. i couldnt agree you less that people are born selfish. That suits to the famous saying "nobody is perfect except for the Man above" No matter how much we want it to be perfect, there are always lackings filling up the gaps. But it is never wrong to be selfish when it is for the better. I am not saying that selfish is good. we are human being, born with a brain, we should know to differentiate the good and the bad.

I do realize im not really good in keeping in touch, and i have to admit that there are some part of me which is hard to break and which i called 'egocentric'. I believe that most people do have their own pride and some of them even refused to hold loose to their principles or whatsoever, and that's people, that's human race. No matter how innocent or kind they are, human are born sinful. No doubt.

I was reading this comment over and over again and there is one word that make me think over and over again, I went like "did anyone ever try to reach me and i didnt even reply them?" (Now, you know which word i was referring to - its higlighted with a red color). OoooppsssSSs, as far as i can remember, i do reply those who tried to reach me. Or did i miss any of them? wookay, this thing i have a problem with -"short-term memory lost". But to whom it may concern, i am sorry if i never replied. I had a few miss-calleds but i am not sure how to reply that, should i reply with a miss call too? haha, im just kidding.

No matter what, i do appreciate friendships tho' sometimes it didnt really work out like how i want it to be. For me it's okay, i guess, and i will never blamed anyone for that. We move on and that's it. It is always hard to express something which is more than words. However, expectation is never a middle name for me. It's just that, sometimes you think of the old times and you start wondering, what happened now?

Friendships that went away

Believe it or not… friends are easy to find but only few will probably stay when the going gets tough. I have bunch of friends… some are younger, older, some are boys, girls, old folks but some of them are just like the ships on the ocean or cars on the move… you will only see them at one point of your life. But at some turning points, they are just like the shadows; you know it’s there but they are just, i dunno, out-of-the-way? I found myself not so keen of looking for people for company except for those who are a dear to me and whom i treasure the most. I put no effort in staying in touch with them, it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I don’t like to disturb people and I prefer that they find me first.

Even back in UMS, I have lotsa friends, but UMS is now way behind me. It is just a memory in my head and it felt like the friendship I had in UMS is almost a memory behind my head that seems to fade away. What happened? I seriously have no idea. Is it my fault that I became so unaware of the updates of my friends? Am i forgotten? Or, am I dead?

I guess i shouldnt expect much from people. Leave it like how it is supposed to be, move on and enjoy life to the fullest. But it’s funny whenever this whole thing strike me. I feel like writing a book about it. That is why i don't really search for company because i would most likely avoid any unnecessary attachments. No matter how much i feel bored at times, i restrain myself from stepping to a wrong path.

Belle called me just to check in, which is very sweet of her. She was like “What happened to you, lie? you’ve been so silent for a long period, is everything okay?” I know I am lucky to have Belle here. We planned to meet up and spend time together for valentine but we both are now having financial constraint so we will put the idea on hold until everything is in place.

And not to forget Jaffri and Azfar who have been there for me whenever I need them. Thanks so much guys… I spent my last sunday with my bro Jim and Azfar and we had Teppanyaki and arcade games before movies in OU. After movies, we went to IKEA before calling it a day. I enjoyed the lunch, the arcade games, movies and IKEA so much. We didnt do anything so grand or use a lot of money but it was so much fun. Tribute to Azfar for being such a sweetheart that day to me and Jim.

Despite the frustration i get because of this failure, i feel blessed for having such good friends after all. I know i dont lose them all and these are the friendships that i want to keep for life.

Never a "girl next door"

Why am i still lingering here? What happened to the happy-go-lucky LIE... well i still am.. it's just that maybe something occured in me. Knowing that Jaff is back home... it's not fair i cant go back.. Home is always a holiday for us. it's always nice to be home with all the catching ups to do.

Well, i do realize some people prefer to stay at their home place and unwilling to leave their comfort zone, and i was thinking myself why did i leave home? well, sorry to say, tho' how much i love home, but it was no good for me. Furthermore, i like to create my own reality, my future and my life. I refused to be under people's shoes and i like to uncover the unknowns of the world outside. I get to adapt to a new life, meet new people and i get to change whatever i don't like about myself. People don't know you and you can make the whole new you. It's like a time for a make over session. And for me it is so much fun and challenging, which are what im looking for in this life.

My sister Lidwina and the nuns (who are also my aunty) Sister Judith and Sister Laurencia, said that i am stubborn but religious in a way. I was like, WHAT??? okay, stubborn i may accept that because it's true but religious?? well, i do pray, i acknowledge God's presence and i do count my blessings and thank Him for that. But i am never religious, Tharmaindra second me on that. But if you say it is religious, in that way, well, okay, that is your point of view. It doesnt hurt so im okay with that. HAHA. I can feel my nose is also laughing with me. BIG TIME.

I am always a dream chaser. I'd like to make the impossibles become attainable, i would like to go far. But how far would i go, that depends. Whatever it is, love is my strongest platform. Without it, there would be no podium to support faith and hopes. hey, that's only my pov.

I always love home and my family no matter how hard it is to stay in good relationship with them. Home is always home, family is always family. There is always gaining and losing at the end of the days, that is my family, no matter what. I left home because i had to and i wanted to, for the sake of my being and it is for the better. I have my dreams and i can't depend on them anymore. i can't wait for them to feed me or sing me lullaby at night so i'll get to sleep peacefully.

My dreams are already before me, whether i am ready for it or not. I couldnt just let it slip away because that was like a lifetime opportunity and a stepping stone to a new life. I always want a new life, and this is it. I don't like to be ordinary and i always enjoy making people go like, "What??! fellie does this, fellie does that?" People can roll their eyes, they can gossip about me, they can even complain but one thing they cant do is , TOUCH me!!! I am striving for a better future not a predictable future. I refuse myself to remain as "a girl nextdoor". I want to be wild, in a good way. That is me. I will bring my dreams to life. I will make my family proud of me, someday, somewhere. I dont mind being the blacksheep in the family. When i get what i want, then i will bring the victory home and tell them. "Mom, dad, sis, bros, I am home."

Memories of the PAST..

Interesting topic i would like to talk about here is..memories of the past... and stupidly i am still holding on to the past, which is not good, indeed. It is like a stain on a carpet. You can always put something on it just to cover the stain, like maybe, tables or ports or cabinets, whatever items you can use to cover it. Or maybe even better, you can just remove the whole carpet, throw it and get a new one. But, how if you refused to cover the stain or buy a new carpet?? You want it to be there, no matter how ugly it may looked like. WHY? Maybe because of the story behind the stain, right?

"Oh, that stain. It was my best friend's fault. She spilled her drinks on it and it was funny and memorable when it happened. I don't think i want to forget that. Let the stain remain where it is so i will always remember her eventhough she is miles away now."

Well, at least that was a good memory and worth for keeping. I mean, all memories are worth for keeping. But how if that memory make u realize something and makes your future on hold? You can hardly go back nor move on.

Did it ever occur to you? it occured to me. Now.

Remember Me This Way

The song in my heart.. for someone who is always special to me..
near or far,
you will always be remembered and missed..
Though' somehow we found ourselves a different path,
but you will always be in my prayers..
Take care my friend...


Remember Me This Way
Jordan Hill

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never let us down
Who understands it all
reaches out each time we fall
You're the best friend that i found

I know you can't stand
a part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true
The life will just be kind
to search a gentle mind
If u lose your way
think back of yesterday
remember me this way...
remember me this way...

I dont need us to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where i go
and i know that you'll be there
forever more a part of me
You're everywhere
always care......

I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true
The life will just be kind
to search a gentle mind
If u lose your way
think back of yesterday
remember me this way...
remember me this way...

I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side
And i will never leave as long as you believe...
just believe...

Remember me this way...
this way....

The answer to “WHEN, WHERE and HOW” – which leads to “HERE”

Days had gone really slow for me. I had been sluggish myself. I know it's easy to finish up my second draft of my proposal but im not sure what’s happening to me that I kept on delaying it. Today is 4th of November,26 more days before December and it's christmas. Yesterday I went to Midvalley to meet up with Belle. It was only both of us and we really had fun with the lunch and the movie. I told her what’s going on with my life recently and she was happy to hear it. I remembered this was what she said to me “People grow up, and they changed. Changes are part of our life.” It was so soothing to hear that from Belle. Of all the bestfriends I have, I know she is the very few people that really understands me. Although we don’t meet that much, but we care for each other like how we care for our own sister.

Looking at some of people's life around me– I never meant to underestimate or downgrading anyone. But seriously look at ourselves and remind yourselves the level of maturity you are at. I am not judging anyone, again I remind you, but is it always sunny days? NOPE. Some people say look at the present time and don’t trouble yourself by looking forward at our future. WHY CAN”T WE? Because it is complicating our life and make us in total fear?? That’s what I call childish if we ever have that thought. If you want to accomplish something great in life, it is not only about now, we have to see beyond our times now. The journey is so far ahead but it is not hard to predict when you have your plans coming with you. Seriously, before I come here, I have foreseen myself going somewhere far from my own zone doing things that I love. I kept on telling Jeremy – I still remember, it was about a year ago – “I want to be somewhere not here, so I can do something I really loved and be a better person.” The only thing I was not so sure was - WHEN and WHERE. But I have made an effort in the HOW. So, first thing that really striked me was – my achievement in UMS. I knew it before that it is my only ticket to achieve something greater after UMS. So in my third year, I worked really hard. I doubled my effort and of course I kept my distance from people because I was starting focusing on myself and my study. I didn’t mean keeping distance as stop being friends with others but I put a limit to my social life and entertaintments. I gave more time to my study and prepare for whatever comes in the future. That was my goal. With God’s blessing, I have achieved what I want in UMS. I felt glad that I went to KL for my internship training in April-June because it opened my option and with the help of few others in KL, I am now HERE.

Whatever happened to me in UMS, it was a blessing in disguise. I regret none of it. Those who had helped me in making my dreams come true – Eechi, Vero, Chris, Joanna, Clarice, Annie and Ray – THANK YOU!! I acknowledged everything that you have ever done to me. Joanna and Clarice – Thanks for helping me out with my studies, u two had been so great to me. Eechi – Thanks for being so understanding and so helpful to me. Tho’ we both know what happened to us at the end of our 2nd year, but I’m glad things got back to how it used to be. Chris – Thanks for being there when I was in need. I think it’s time we move on with our life. In future to come, you will know why things happened and it’s for the better, I know you knew it. Ray – I really hoped you see what the advantages you have in your life and be optimistic about it. Everyone else who is not named here – thank you too.

Some say I am less friendly now? That’s just a label for a personality right? Well, let’s just say I may be less kind at heart now according to your own definition, nevertheless I have to remind myself – I really have to be more focused now. I am alone here in peninsular and if I still have that nature of mine (being so kind whatsoever), I don’t think I can survive in this chaotic life HERE. So the only thing Im supposed to really look upon is – my LIFE, FUTURE and Happiness to come.

I still want to thank that someone who really changed me in terms of looking at life in different perspective. Without this important person, I will not be as strong as what I am now. Now, I can see the different side of life. A person who was once called me a pain in the ass is actually the one who held out the hand to help me escape from the deepest hole I ever fell into.

These were the things I wanted to say but couldn’t say it to anyone. Maybe some may found this hurtful but that was not what I wanted to show here. This is the fact that everybody must now – people changed and that’s how they learn the tricks of life. Whether we like it or not, we have to move on. That is the only way to heal the pain. Trust me.

A simple thing call "choices"

i was going thru a test today and made me realize a few stuff about my life and how i actually lived my life.. there was this questionaire and of course if you want to get an accurate result you have to be honest with yourself.. so okay, there i was answering the questions one by one but one question really striked me to curiosity of my performance as a person... the question went like :-

Q: when you need someone to talk to (friends&family), what are the thing that u usually tell them

1. Sadness
2. happiness
3. Boredom
( i cant remember the rest of the options... but these are basically the important ones)
i wish i can pick number 2... but obviously it was not true... how about number 3? well, it was not like i feel bored because im always up for something, doesnt matter if it benefits me or not... so yes... it was number 1... and again im so dissapointed with myself... i shouldn't always be on the pessimistic side.. but how can i get rid of sadness when it is inevitable right? but there are few wisdom i heard from somewhere i really forgot where i heard it from, i think it was from one of the emails forwaded by one of my contacts the saying goes like "it's us who make the choices. we can choose to be happy or sad today. you can choose to be angry and to be rude to people" if you look at it at every angle, it is true that life is all about choices.. the only thing is, you really have to wait until all the cards are laid on the table and see what you can do about it..

i went out with Jaff and azfar last thursday, and it was so much exciting than i ever thought...of course they never changed and im glad that things between the three of us never changed like how it was before - Azfar with his smiley face and Jaff with his crappy mode... :):):)

we had a nice dinner at Domino's, good conversations and a good movie.. Speaking of movie, im really sorry jaff that i kept on hitting you everytime the stunts make me jump.. i have to advice you not to sit next to me when watching football because i can be quite a jumpie u know... :)

here are the pictures that i took... let's take a look at it :) :)



The handsome Mr. crappy - jaffri - so called eligible bachelor but he's already taken... :):):)



me and azfar... check out his smiley face... :):):)


so that was all the interesting part happened to me lately... i might feed you some stories with more wisdom the next time i update my blog... hope you enjoy every bit of this post, tho' it was not much actually...

it's really late now, i gotta hit the bed... Bon nuite, mon ami/amie... thanks for visiting my blog :):):):)

"The MeTapHoriCL of LiFe"

LOVE - FATHER AND DAUGHTER


Have you ever experience the love that only God can give you? the love of a daughter to her father... Why is it that only tears i could give to him? In my whole life, ive been telling around "I want to be happy"...yet why is it not enough to make myself happy?? Is happiness lies within other people's happiness?? Why is it so hard to keep away hatred? why is so hard to learn your mistake and try to improve instead of blaming others for hurting you...

Why do people go on saying life is 'unfair'? Is God deliberately put us in this situation? Having faith and putting hopes, most importantly beseige yourself with love for yourself and others...

Fears are all im having for the future ahead of me... I am strong, always will. But my fears for whatever in front of me is out of my control.... The UNKNOWN, the remaining blanks.... the vision is too unclear...it's too unpredictable - YET i neet to be strong.... i have to be independant - and that is the conquest of life - to stand with my own two feet without crying at daddy's leg, begging for a petty..

Why is it hard to make people understand that this is my LIFE?? i have the right to choose whoever i want to be with and whoever i want to be nice with.... please please do not interfere because the beast in me couldn't stand it.. Don't come and apologize to me but try to improve your life instead and start learning yourself to understand others... Sizes are meant to be different between all of us - but do not try my size but try to fit in your own size and be comfortable with it and let not others disturb your comfort and contentment in return...

I might say goodbye to this rage, the dissapointment and the frustration of being a failure myself... and i know one day, i will find the light and with this light, i might light it to others so they will stay on track.. i will not give a pat to their shoulder and say "hey, this is the right path"... instead my light will only make it easier for you to choose your own path...your life is your life and my life is my life...

to those who really care for me, thank you very much...
to those who tried to understand me before making any judgement, i know God has given me an angel like you to make me understand the meaning of trust and love...

For all this, im gonna rest now... im gonna put away this sadness and let God help me carry the burden because i cant stand any longer...

so long my friends, till we meet again..

My "Between-reality-and-absurdity" LiFe...

Ive just read thru Jaff’s blog today, credits given to Cindy for reminding me. Sorry Jaff, ive been neglecting my blog for such a long time already and I dun really have time to update myself with ur blog…. But im not worried about you jaff, u seemed to know how to handle things effortlessly… That’s more important ryte…

Well, I haven’t really put into details about my life here…I mean yes to put it like – “how good life has been” – ive done tat in the previous post, ryte? But when it comes to emotional awareness, its more complicated than that..

I have realized that, ive been keeping stuff to myself a lot… and somehow it’s hurting me but it feels good when nobody actually know about you and you don’t have to worry about any attachment… I duno - ive been keeping my distance from everybody… I do appreciate friendship but somehow friendship scares me to death… and I don’t want any complication anymore. It’s been really really tough for me and I really want to have a better life so I can make this place a better place to be…

I wish the tears that I had before I came here will be the last tears of sadness for me… it has been really painful for me – imagine how agonizing it is when your dad is in the hospital and your family is breaking apart, not forgetting about the peer pressure you have to go through and also the unexplainable financial constraint… it’s too much to take – there ive said it here at last!!! I wish not to repeat this again…

MY DAD – he has been my everything – my spirit, my love, my happiness, my inspiration, my peace, my strength. He went for angiogram a week ago and they found that he is not fit for the operation so they send him back to Sabah and now that he has to fully depend on medication – and only miracles can help him *sigh* ….. I really want to go back – so much – to see my dad.. The memory before I leave the hospital for airport is still playing in my head… My dad saw me crying like a baby in the balcony because of the unpleasant goodbyes I had at home before coming to the hospital to see my dad… he knew I was hurting so he came to me and persuaded me with his eyes welling up with tears… we hugged and cried together for all the heartache we shared together… I just can’t stop crying and with my mom crying like she will never see me again – THAT IS SO PAINFUL…… I refused to go back – not for my own egoism but the circumstances im at…it’s difficult to explain and I would like to skip the details… as long as my dad understand me, that’s enough….

MY FAMILY – The unpleasant view suddenly appear in my head and I really pray for the peace in my family…. I couldn’t stand seeing the explosion of rage in each of them – each has their own dissatisfactions and disappointments towards each other – some very indisposed of forgiving each other… im glad that now I don’t have to see it anymore…

PEER PRESSURE – when it comes to this, disappointment suddenly wash over me… YES, I do have a lot of friends… but those that really understand me and willing to understand can be reckoned with only ONE HAND….. and so disappointing when u found out that they had made their own Judgement by just observing your actions – is that what you call “concern for a friend”… That’s what I call “Bullshit”….
Friend, in definition, is never to judge them but try to understand them and make them comfortable… because all of us has a different size of shoes, I cant be in your shoe, neither do you… so you cant exactly comprehend with what they feel abt things and why they do stuff like that… This is what I see in some people, so childish and so immature… yet im not here to judge other people too…like I said, its important to understand others without expecting them to understand you too… so im just gonna let this go with the flow… I have nothing against anyone and I am glad that now I am all by myself and I have to keep my distance so I wont get hurt anymore… but that does not mean I can’t help others or care for others… I will still show my concern by helping others but sorry, I can’t always say YES to you… at times, I need my space…

And now my life here… how do I really feel about this place?? Well, like what I have told you before, everything has been good to me… He has given me more than what I have asked.. Frankly, I am not used to have a good problem-free kind of life… so I was thinking there must be a catch somewhere – but im not being pessimistic here… im saying this because I want to remind myself that I have to be prepared for whatever that may come in the future… I may not always sit on a comfortable couch, at times I have to sit on thorny surface… whatever it is, I must pray and be thankful for the goodness ive been receiving and ask for strength when things get tough…

Yes Jaff, I am content with my life now….. thank you jaff – your statement really make my tears so ready to be given out – but I have to be strong – and thank you for understanding… so far, you have been one of the few person that actually make me feel belong and comfortable…

The beautiful creation of "F.E.L.L.I.E"

-Written by GOD-

Fellie,

i created you this way and made you a beautiful person. To this beautiful creation, i give some gifts for you to carry as a guideline which is love,faith and hope so that life will be beautiful and peaceful for you.
Please don’t take this as a burden for you to carry. Instead, take it as a gift from your lovingly Father. My creation is always based upon my unconditional love. Nobody is perfect, so you don’t have to be perfect to love Me and your neighbours. Be as what ive built you to be, for it will bear fruit according to my plan. I know this gift has given your complexitiex in life but you will see soon that you are worthy of my gift. People will look at you as a symbol of love and passions.

Accept life as what it has to be and go through all the obstacles for you may find beauty beneath it. I am giving you a quest in which you may find dark tunnels, crossroads, dark alleys and maybe some painful events but at the end of this quest you will find a key. This key is to open a small box which I have already prepared for you. I have to give you this quest to prove that you are worthy of my gift. This small box is what I called the ‘greatest achievement’. Because of this box, you will have purpose in life. So don’t give up because this box has your name on it, it means that it is yours as long as you find the key.

You are never alone. Maybe sometimes you may think that I abandon you but I am always there guiding you as you go along this quest. Like I said, I have provided you the most important securities – Love, Faith and Hope.

Do not cry when things get rough, save your tears for the small box that you may receive from me. Remember Fellie, start your journey with Love, and bring Faith together with you because Hope is always before you to make sure you will keep going. They are the security of your being.
You can always talk to me before you sleep or even when you are driving. I am always here and my angels will watch over you every second of the day. Good luck.