Seeking God

I look at my life at this moment, Gawd… im going crazy with the fears I have before my eyes. I tried comforting myself, I thought spending time with family would help me ease the pain, but still, the loneliness is always there floating around in my inner side. What should I do?

I don’t like to be called pathetic or pitiable girl but I just lose the battle. I am in the midst of bouncing back, because that’s what I do for the past 4 years. It ain’t easy dude.

I am socially zero, spiritually empty, and now energy losing. Gawd, I am pathetic!

I was supposed to meet Fr. Julian today, for him to introduce me to some active church members but because of some inevitable circumstances, I didn’t make it. So much of fixing your life, dear Fellie.

But a little voice I hear “Seek God first, and all other Graces will be given unto you”

That’s what I think I should do.

What's your idea of a relationship?

A friend asked me, “What is your idea of a relationship?” I was kind of confused with the question, oh gawd another love master is attacking me questions about love.

I went like, “It’s supposed to be meaningful, I guess.” Do you think I hit the right answer? Well, it’s very subjective and very individual. Of course, I didn’t really got it correct at first. Well im not a master of love but it seems fun to be one, tho’ u might puke to your own face. Urgh, im crapping…

But these are the answers I got from few friends when I asked them this questions

1. To be there for each other
2. Sharing love and responsibilties, sadness and happiness
3. To love and be loved, to appreciate and be appreciated
4. To have someone to back you up, when you’re up to something
5. To have someone to say ‘goodnight’ to you every night
6. To look forward to the future with the other person
7. To feel belonged and not alone, to feel alive
8. To be with each other until the time unwinds
9. To say ‘I love you’
10. To take care of you when you’re mom can no longer take care of you

What’s yours?

Whatever answers you have in your head, relationship is all about a connection between 2 persons who are passionately in love. If the answers above never crossed your mind, then start thinking whether you want them in your life or not, don’t just leave them hanging around you when you can’t give them certainties, it might hurt them really deeply when it’s time for you to dump them.

When you answer “I don’t know.” then you don’t have any idea why you want her/him in your life. The person you’re with is no surprise suffering from the madness of the relationship.

Just like what happened to someone I know. Sigh

Some of the pictures in my PC

Me and my hsemate, emily...
taken during break fasting
with Ex- Biotech students in Kenny Rogers...







Taken on deepavali day in Sitiawan, Perak.
Left: Me in the hotel room in Perak waiting
for my hp to finish charging..
Bottom: My babies.... Sanchiya and Keegan...
sharing food while waiting for their parents on the
table just next to us (Picture not shown)












Left:
- How i spend my free time on saturday-
Domino's with piles of journals to read..

Bottom: The X5...
This car is huge and damn cool...

27 more days before christmas...

1st Dec 2006

Today is just like any other day. I will put on xmas music, light my xmas tree and thinking whether I should go back to KK for xmas or stay. But I am more worried if xmas this time will be another dissapointment. It’s true that xmas is all about family - wearing red costume with santa hat, carrying presents while humming the xmas melody.

This will be the second time I am celebrating xmas in KL, if I decide not to go back. I should be happy that T is willing to celebrate xmas with me and my friends are waiting for a green light from me to have a xmas bash at home. But like I just said, xmas is always about family. Maybe none can really understand the overwhelming desire in me to have a perfect xmas. Perfect xmas is not about the best dress you can buy or the best present you will ever get. It’s the joy, fun and love during christmas time with family minus the family crisis, of course.

The more I think about those options I have, I get so lonely, confused and feel at lost.

Another thing is this project I am handling, I think I was trying too hard to make everything work and end up like this, I can’t even decide anything at all and I look stupid in front of everyone. I was thinking, is it true that I am just lazy and been so sluggish all this while? It’s just when I get so pumped up to do my work, I get disapointed with all the limitation I have within myself - I am not that smart, whatever I do there is always a hole there to highlight my weaknesses. The more I see that hole, I get so frustrated and feel so stupid. I don’t have the gift to manipulate things anymore. I really hope I won’t disappoint my supervisor again.

one challenging phase

Things had been okay between me and T now. After a long long talk yesterday… I realized a lot about him…

He is an innocent man when it comes to relationships. I can’t really blame him for what happened because it was his nature and the only way to make it work is to compromise with his true nature.

Our relationship is no doubt challenging. We used to tell each other that our relationship is not at its infancy and all these problems are just a phase for us to go through, but now we realized that we are still too young to go deeper and we need to get to know each other more before we decide to do anything in the future.

But I am just glad that no matter what happened, we still want to be with each other, more than anything. I need to cut down a bit of my attitude towards him and I will try to understand the more of his attitudes rather than asking him to fit in with mine and hopefully that things will be better in the future. I just don’t want to go through that phase again, it hurts so much and mostly, I don’t want to make him cry for the second time.

killing heart

It’s true what my friend say.. I have been downgrading myself too much that there’s nothing left for me when I was hurting. I tried my best to keep my head down, instead it hurts me more. So I get myself up on my heels, and confront the matter myself. It was okay for the first day then the next day it’s starting to get worse and worse and I feel like I am already losing my faith.

I think now, I am ready for a confession and stop sinning.

All I need for myself is to keep a strong mind with inner strength.

I received a call from my sister today telling me my dad’s latest condition. I felt so guilty that the night he was suffocating, I was happily having a small bash at my place here in Kajang. I was in a bad shape for the past few days and was thinking that maybe a glass of wine could help this time. I can’t imagine while I was laughing with my friends here, dad in sabah was suffocating all night long because of his heart problem.

But Thank God, with His good grace, My dad is okay despite having to face family problems. This is when I can’t wait to have my own career and voice out my dissatisfaction on some sensitive matters in the family.

I can’t imagine the worst case scenario just yet, please don’t ever let it happen since I am not ready to face that yet.