A friend once forgotten...

I was browsing through the pictures I have in my keeping. Some were taken a year ago, and some even as old as 5 years… phew, I have been living for almost 25 years.. haha. It was a good refreshment of the good old days. I miss those days. Looking at those pictures, I think my friend was right. I had some meat around my body that time compare to the present size. Well guys, I guess u can see it better than I do because as far as I can only see myself now, I look the same, only older and less innocent (hah!)

…..And something hit me when I saw a friend’s picture, an old friend from UMS who I thought was a good friend. Yes, he was indeed a good friend but I guess he was at the wrong position at that time, to betray me. Sigh.

But I guess, it was not right to punish him either.

I regret whatever happened between me and him, and if I am able to turn back time, I wish i can be more understanding and forgiving.

I know it’s useless to regret it now or to just say it as though nothing can be done to fix it. What I’m saying is, I am going to fix it before it’s too late. It was too suprising that he dissapeared without a trace and no one ever know where he is until few weeks ago (after getting in touch with so many people to find him), T told me he is now residing in Singapore. No matter where he is now, we (me and T) together are going to look for him and apologize for everything that happened in the past, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it was.

I wish it is never too late to say sorry, Eugene…….

Serenity

Sometimes I wonder why I am still lingering around at the same stage when I can upgrade myself to the stage I would like to call “ultimate autonomous”, or in other words, a freedom to decide my own life.

The problem has been prolonged for quite a very long time but now I know my time is not here yet and I have no choice but to give up to the famous saying, “patience is a virtue”.

I need to be patient to get what i want in the future. Speaking of being patient, I am going back to Sabah, not because i want it, but she wants it and like usual, i have to comply because the word 'no' is apparently never in her dictionary. I have like 10 days to 'savor' the beauty of pain and anything can happen in 10 days. I am, of course, worried. He has 10 days to attack me verbally.

Let's leave the whole family crisis story to this dot, I need to relax myself from thinking the worst-case scenario that could happen in that 10 days.

3 days ago, I was invited for a family function, at first I thought it was just a normal get-together visit but it was way too different from what I have expected. I met the whole family, when I say whole family, that includes the extended members of the family – His relatives.

It was at first very disappointing as the ladies judged me by hitting me with the cruelest inferiority I ever had, but I was lucky that it didn’t happened to my face, at the very least. I know when they say be patient, this is one of the many unpleasant situations I have to have patience for. Serenity is all I need at that moment. Nevertheless, what more important is, he was there to make me strong and I am just glad he was always by my side at times of need.

Marriage I know is not all about love. Everybody is talking about marriage as if it’s like going out for a date with the most gorgeous creature on earth, or like choosing chocolate or strawberry cake for your birthday (and you can have both if you like). No, it’s not just about that. It is a DECISION. A decision to spend the rest of your life with someone you chose to be with. Fate has nothing to do with it because you’re the one who’s making the FATE really happen. You may call yourself the fate-maker or whatever you like, but it’s the future we make and not even the ‘feng-shui’ believer can ensure how our future will be like. They can just predict what’s gonna happen but they can’t make it happen, unless you want it. We create the future. Some may have different perspective, and this is simply mine.

Whatever junks or truth they say about marriage, I know marriage is never easy. But whatever it is, if I am going to get married and spend the rest of my life with someone, I want it to be with him, for better or worse and I wouldn’t want it the other way around. Of all people I have met, been with, had a crush on or whatever you call ‘like’ or ‘love’, this is the first time I am so sure about someone, so earnestly. It is the first time I am bowing down, which is against my nature, to something so pure and natural – which is falling in love over and over again. Not trying to be mushy here but just the thing that I would like to admit, and this is what my blog is all about people.

And because of the decision I have made, I have to wait until the right time comes and do what I am supposed to do.

Breeze of night

It’s 1.00 in the morning, and what I like about staying up till this late is because of the breeze of the night. It is soooo cooling, so relaxing and I feel so peaceful inside. Oh well, sometimes the night gets very warm and humid and you feel like cursing but then again, there was a bit of downpour about half an hour ago and the weather makes me feel like cuddling my pillows to sleep.

I don’t really like to write when I don’t have anything to write about, but I just feel like writing so here I am.

I can feel some emptiness inside, not to forget the hidden hatred I can’t seem to get rid of. I am a person who will always whine, but I don’t usually call myself a hater since I don’t like to keep anything bad for anything or anyone. Again, that’s me. Usually I call the situation I am having now as “going back to basic” again, where I like to be alone. Maybe I should blame the hormone and speaking of that I know my time is near.

I feel so guilty for not calling my dad on his birthday, I was so busy with my own life, making myself and everyone else around me happy that I forgot one of the most important people in my life ON HIS BIRTHDAY!!! “

“…Pa, siou tu ou aku nokosirou di birthday nu…”(Dad, sorry I forgot about your birthday)

Looking at the clock ticking on the wall, I really need to hibernate now since it’s gonna be another early day for me tomorrow.

“Lord, forgive me for all the wrong doings I have done to hurt You lately. I have been selfish, ignorant and disgraceful to You. Renew me Oh Lord, so I may find my path again to serve You Oh Lord…”

Prayer to NURIN JAZMIN....

I would like to say a little prayer for Nurin Jazmin who was brutally tortured and murdered by the worst animal we can ever imagine.

I didn’t really follow the whole story, but it was so tragic that it became a prominent issue to the country. Now, we know how insecure the lives of the little ones, and I hope this will be a big turning point to the people of Malaysia (especially the government) to really look at the problems they have been neglecting for quite a while. I am just glad that the government have realized what they should do to protect the next generation of our country. They are important to us and we have to make sure they stay alive or else who will be the next leader after our generation?

I can’t forget the face of that poor girl, people told me she was crying upon dying. She must have been suffering a lot, imagine the innocent 8-year old girl who doesn’t know anything about the cruelty of the world? Do you still think we are practically safe now? There are a lot I can suggest to improve the securities of this country. Most of all, government should let the nation voice out their oppinion, if people are banned from voicing out, how can we improve the service for the nation and for the people who creates this country? It is better to prevent than to heal.

I might not know exactly how Nurin and other victim’s family feel for their lost but I know it must have been extremely hard for them. It is important that the government start letting the nation voice out their opinion openly and improve from the core. Don’t discriminate others who are capable of improving, in fact let us all together handle this problem despite the differences between us all. It is time to civilise those who are yet to be civilized. Come on, people! Let us carry on the peace we have in our country. Don’t let these animals take away our pride of being a malaysian.

To Nurin's family, I am sincerely feeling sorry for your lost and I believed that despite being tortured before dying, she is already sitting beside our Heavenly Father. She did not die wastefully, in fact your lost has opened the eyes of the nation and awaken all the people who has been sleeping and brought us all together into the reality and things that really matter. Dear friends and those who are reading this, let us offer Nurin and her family a little prayer.

"....Dear Almigthy Father, bless us all not for our sins but for the love You have given to us unconditionally. Bless those people who has been suffering and who had just lost their precious ones. May they relied only to You and not the worldly burden they have to bear. Strengthen those who have lost their faith in You, may they find peace in You again. Bless all souls who have left us from this world, may their soul will peacefully rest in the place You have prepared for them... I asked this Lord in the name of Christ Himself, Amen..."

Dear parents of Nurin, we felt your lost and may your beloved daughter is now resting in peace.

The IMPERFECT me!!

Things had been going perfectly normal for me. Like usual, I am trying my best to improve my performance as a master student, and even though how much I tried to come up to the standard, I know nothing will be enough to value the qualities I have.

The thing is, it was not the fault of others that I am feeling down like this and I know it happened a lot of times that sometimes people just figured that I am just being me. Yes, in fact, I am being me. But the key problem is – I let people put my guard down, I let them get the best of me, I let them insult me, look down on me, I let them treat me like I am the most insensitive person in the world that they can just shoot me with their sharp words. I let them talk sarcastically to me, I let them JUDGE me, even my good friends do that to me!!! That’s how pathetic I can be (Sigh!).

People can just tell me what to do, and disrespect me like how my sister and her husband treat me sometimes. I assumed that they just forgot that I have feelings though they have actually violated my sincerity and kindness. I feel so dishonored sometimes. I have been trying everything possible to give my best and sometimes I just dunno where I am going anymore - is it for other people or for myself. But like what I have been pointing since the beginning, there’s no expectation I have for the people around me, and the same I hope they will not put any high expectations on me because when you set a standard, I don’t think I can be the best person you want me to be. Like what people has been saying, I am just being me. There – they just said that!

But as far as I am concern, even though sometime I can be very unreliable in keeping the routine goes on, I am very honest and sincere in what I am giving. I hope I can be appreciated even as imperfect as I am. I am not so perfect, making mistakes are what I do best. But I am always trying to be the best I can be, I think I’ve said that already.

So dear friends and those who knows me, I know i am far from being perfect. But i hope you can accept me for what I am because if you can't accept the way i have been and the way i will be, I am afraid I might not making the A-list of the people you will consider as a true friend because I just can’t do more than what I am capable of. But what i have given is nothing but my sincerity and my care. As much as i want things to work out, it is He who gives and only He who can give.

Thank you for your time.

How different can we be??

Reality does carry its own weight!

We can run but we can never hide from the truth. People voiced out their oppinions without realizing its impact to the other person. Whether we like it or not, it’s their perspective and we can’t deny that they actually point out the truth about life. Yes, reality hurts!

I was in denial because I thought love will endure. The truth is, they do happened no matter how much we tried to disprove the fact that we will lose our integrity when differences are indiscreetly amplified. I hate to think about it, I hate to highlight the differences. Sometimes I was wondering why God implanted differences in every creatures He made – because the diversity will make this place a better place to be? I cried in silence why God has made all of us different from each other. So we can start appreciating the uniqueness of His creation but did He ever know that differences sometimes can make people hate each other and start killing?

When differences exist, people start immersing themselves into individuality. They start highlighting how good they are, how exceptional their little group is. That is bullshit! Seriously!

So what if there is such thing as mix marriages? I know it can be very much challenging but there must be one successful marriage out of hundreds of mix marriages right? Even if the possibilities are vague but there is always a chance that you can stand out despite all those failures they been talking about, right? Right??
I still hope, love endures everything.

I sincerely love T, and even if how much people try to highlight our differences and warned us about all the things that could happen in the future, i sincerely hope that somehow it's the differences that make us love each other more than anything else because i believe that we both can make this place a better place to be. I am not blinded by love, love alone could not withstand the flow against it but faith and dreams that we both have for each other and the future ahead.