one to go...

There are times it got me thinking of all the things I did which I thought will satisfy everything I feel inside. I guess I was wrong, even getting tipsy can’t help my sleeping problem.

My roommate is leaving soon. As much as I was being so reserved about it, I guess this is the time I should say ‘I know I am gonna miss her’. She has been the best roommate I ever had, not forgetting to mention, the most open-minded and flexible roommate I ever had in my life.

I am gonna make her last day to be the most memorable day for her even though I know it might not make any difference.

Speaking of being reserved, yes I know I have been very ignorant of my surroundings because I know that is the best way to keep me safe from getting hurt. Putting too much of expectation is not an option for me as I have seen myself too much in that situation and all it ever gave me in return is – heartache and sorrows.

I am a person with too much of emotions, it’s too much that sometimes it consumed everything in me. There are times I hate being me, and I don’t want another person to hate me as much as I hate myself. I have my integrity to keep and I hope someday I am able to control all the weaknesses I have.

the lag phase of my life

It has been awhile…

All the things I wanna say here is already painted out in my dreams, like it’s a neverending stories which only I will know. The things kept playing in my head every night defeating my yearning to have good sleeps till one day it left me no choice but to get a prescription from the pharmacist on sleeping pills. Friends who knew about it kept on advicing me to control my drug consumption after Heath Ledger made a headline in the news. I am still in control and so far, I am not addicted to anything yet and for me they are no drugs, just some prescription pills for emergency aid.

Here I am unable to grasp my sleppiness, the new look of my blog is enough to explain the free time I have now.

Ever since T left for Bintulu, no one ever understand how lonely I was. Everything seems to be running to a normal system not worrying about the lagging in the productivity of my life, which I don’t really bother actually. As always family issues occupy my space to be happy and jovial, and I always hope T is always here to support me with his endless pep talks. I know I need him. But it’s time for him to make his journey exploring his own adventures as an engineer. I am always proud of my man.

I don’t really care what rumours in my ears, I don’t really care what’s happening around me because it goes the same with me, I like not to be bothered. I just don’t need another person to tell me what to do, or what to think or what to say. As much as I need to feel occupied after T left, I like my space. Seriously, I love my freedom to say anything I want, to do anything I want, and to go anywhere I want. All I need is myself again, to revive the inner strength I used to have and use it as a protection for the struggle I have to put to go against the flow.

Some people talks about future, talks about the good life, seriously, I am happy for everybody’s happiness, however, that makes me more anxious about the path I have to choose. The problem is, I don’t have any options to start with. All I have is a question mark in my head and that is enough to send shivers down my spine, what should I do with my future? As a person who will never give up on fate and misfortunes, I start strategising my defense, not letting anything to exterminate my intensity. I know I can be stronger and here I am, screaming out loud with passion like that in ‘300’.

It’s time for me to open my eyes and look beyond the life I have. I have passed the early stage of being 20s, like what my friends had popped out, we are now having our quarter-life crisis and believe it or not, we are all part of it. –end-

I am no superman anymore, I realized I have lost my power..

I guess I have to always remind myself to move on and stop thinking why things happened. My name seems to be fading away in people’s mind and somehow I think people seem to forget that I ever existed in this life. Years of connection do not seem so important anymore, and those ugly things materialized in those agony stage of existence in the past are still a highlight. I know no matter how much I try to remove those misery, the reminiscence of the past still remain at its own memory box and I am still the odd one out.

Here I am again in my own hiding place, ignoring everyone and everything that bothers me. The truth is, I feel so alone at this time that it scares me. I have been very temperimental lately and isolation appeared to be the best medicine, not knowing that I am hurting myself and the people around me. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. It’s just so hard to make everyone proud of me, look at me like I am the hero. I am no hero and I know that sounds very sad but it’s true.

I always tell myself to give me something to myself to hold on, to hope for so I will keep on going. I hope one day, I understand the things that happened to me now and then. The serious loneliness that consumed my whole energy and the drive to keep on fighting underscored my perfect being now. Again, sad but true.

I just miss being the old me, happy and carefree, loved by everyone. All the flash memories of me being the champ of my own zone is just a history to me now. I have to let it go and accept the fact that things have changed, they changed for a reason.

Love always

Dear "the hopes in my life",

Dreams are somehow making me realize that they are just a vision of fantasy that can only be aspired but in reality, they may not exist. I have a lot of hopes in life and sometimes I am not sure whether they make us feel safe or otherwise.

You are slowly resolving your puzzle of life and all the pieces are coming together for you. I am very happy that your roads are clear to travel on and you are now ready to step on to another facet of life. You deserved all the blessings for all the sacrifices you have made for the people you loved the most. We have been through a lot together, in good and bad times. It was not easy for us to go through all stages to come to where we stand now. I am just glad we managed to go through it without affecting our feelings for each other. Yet I still know that, it may not be easier for both of us until the day we utter our vows for each other considering the dispute we have to face but I guess our relationship is stronger than the challenges we have to hold against.

I may not know what will happen next, it is all God’s willing though I never believed in fate sometimes because I know that future is what we make and God will always provide us choices to decide on. I sincerely love you, and I know I have expressed that enough. Your love always remind me to be humble and to be patient. I just can’t stop falling in love with you and just by thinking of you makes me feel so peaceful inside.

Sometimes i found myself all teary because i just can't put it into words how grateful I am for having you. You have stood by me when the storms stroke in, and you have been there even sometimes with your tears to make sure I am always safe and happy. It is true that your love make me a better person and every tears fell onto your cheek for me will be returned with unconditional love and blessings.

Someday, you will see the amount of love i have for you. I can even sacrifice everything just to be by your side because being with you is all that matter in my life. I am not being stupid but my happiness lies in you and you are right i will make the biggest mistake for not fighting for this relationship, and so I will.

Each day I pray for your happiness, success and also good health, for all the things that you have done has made a difference in my life. Baby, don't be afraid of the future because whatever happened, I will always be here for you.

Thank you for making my life worthy and meaningful.

I love you baby and you will always be in my heart... now and for eternity.

Love always,

BabyLie.

My 3 Years Old BLog....

look at the time my friend... i started my blog 3 years ago, about the same time like now... only few days late... what can i say.. I love to write and maybe one day i can write a book based on each of the posts...

I hope you've enjoyed every bit of my writing as i was enjoying it as much. I am sorry if I have been too blunt in my writing which causes some resentment, dissatisfaction, hurtful feelings... Well, i bet i did not mean it that way as I was just letting my heart out and i know some of it was too cruel, too sharp, too blunt, and almost not human (he!he!he!)...

Keep on coming to my blog, i'll feed you with more stories in the future...

My Two Best GirlFriends...

~ Fellie, Neena & Belle ~

It was great catching up with Belle again with couple of beers. Reminds me of the good old days. Remind me of how old I am getting actually. If it was five or six years back, I know it will be just Macdonald's or KFC. I guess now it’s BEER era, no wonder everyone is getting beer belly at this age.

Anyways, we were at Monte’s, BSC (Bangsar Shopping Center) and had dinner. Belle was dissapointed with her choice and I was okay with everything because it was so nice to meet Belle again. We talked a while about neena’s letter before Mr.C came to join us. We had some fun laughing last night and when it’s time to pay the bill, he just gave me that look that says “no, I got it.” Aiseh, Mr.C tunjuk macho…

But then I said to him “no, let me pay my part” Then he smiled and said to me”I like you so I want to buy you dinner.” I know he must be a great guy despite the first unpleasant meeting but I guess neena was right, I am prone to liking anyone, especially those who I think is nice and deserve some good treatment in return. Whatever it is, I hope he can make Belle happy despite the gap between them, but I guess it’s not a big deal after all. I hope neena sees all that. Not only the age or he being not so good-looking but the way he makes Belle happy. That’s what matter I guess.

Speaking of all this, I am imagining three of us growing old together at the same neighborhood like that in desperate housewives, only we’re not that desperate enough. It might sound boring but I know it will create a lot of meaningful memories for us, good memories most of it I know. According to Belle, Neena did imagined all that and of course as stupid as it is, me and belle laughed at the thought of that too. But it would be certainly nice to have each other around at good and bad times. Speaking of that, I hope Neena is doing great in Kuching. Belle is worried sick and me, as usual being the bad friend I have always been, It’s not surprising that I always forget to call her no matter how important this friendship is to me. But what I like about these people is, no matter how guilty I can be at times, all they gonna say is “Come on Lie, how old do you think we are? 7 years old? Don’t worry… and stop saying that you are a badddd friend. You're not, we love you as who u are.” Awwwwwwwwwwww…. A good friend indeed. I am so lucky to have them in my life.