Going against nature

Things have been pretty hectic for me. Slowly I am adjusting to the new offer i received few days ago. It is an easy decision to make, but the consequence of the other factor is probably harder to bear. This shows that I have to be ready and learn not to ask for any more luxurious treatment.

I still can't disclose the exact offer yet but soon, i will have to re-locate to a new place. A place which is not so foreign for me.

I am risking my chances for putting it on my blog. And probably T is not happy with my openness. But I have been thinking a lot about this and nobody would understand the consequence I am going to face soon. Nobody will understand my emotions. Even T will not be able to comprehend that.

I have been counting years. I realize I need to be fast on my decision. I need to be realistic and I need to be strong. I was told, "forget what they say, this is about you."

Yes, this is about me. But no matter how ignorant i am trying to be, I am going against my nature. Though it is possible but it is never without pain.

I hope the path of reaching there is easier. Nevertheless, I don't mind going through pain as long as the ending is good. If i could wish for something right now, i really wish for strength and patient. It is sad if I am going to lose her. The one who is only 6 months old and who will forget me if I am kicked out.

The offer

I got the offer.

Happy.

Nervous.

Decided.

Fearful.

but all will eventually lead to happiness.

here comes the push..

I have been wanting to write.... for a very long time.. Yet, it wasnt as easy as i thought. Maybe it was the absence of the 'push'..

Suddenly...today... the push re-appears again and this time it came so strong. It attacked the very core of my desire and I am writing now with the 'push' I so long to have. I need to vent out everything that has been bottling inside me.

I was out today to watch Liverpool play against MU. And it was one of their disappointing game. The game was boring, and but the talking after the game successfully mended my sleepiness. Sigh. I missed my novena. I went home, trying to finish the ironing which I started early this evening. I have about 10 working shirts to iron before i go to bed. While doing it, my mind was wandering around... and I know there's something I have been waiting to do.. I left all the crumpled shirts on my bed, took my company laptop and start typing without thinking...

So, here comes the push.....

My future.

My life.

The options. The choices. The decision.

It hasn't been a very motivating year for me. at least the starting. I was fooled by the online astrologer who has been predicting dates that will bring me luck. and as far as i am concern about my future and my big break-out, nothing has happened, yet. I mean a lot of things happened. But so far, all my wishes remain as dreams. Dreams that will never be a reality for me. *Disappointment*

I guess i am having all this dilemma because I am scared of the damage that i might cause if i finally make my decision. Though it might be the right decision for me, but I know it will definitely hurt some people. And that's the worst part of all. No matter what was done to me and to T, I wish i dont have to fight back. I wish I dont have to take revenge. Because i dont think I can handle it. I still have my dad's words in my head.

I know some of my family members do not embrace all the things dad had taught us when he was still alive. But as a strong believer, it is one of the most important thing in life.

"Let them hurt you, but do not hurt them back"

These words are forever engraved in my head. I am not sure if that is a good thing or otherwise, but it keeps me from hurting other people. So I believe that is good?

Regardless, as a fresh grad, who just entered the real working world, my employer pay me well. But with the amount of work I have done, I know I am cheaply paid. Having said that, money wasnt my biggest issue. I still think what I am earning is good enough compared to others my age. But, life is still so meaningless without the freedom to decide what u really wanna do in life.

It really is sad. I wish to break free. One fine day when my wings are ready, i will prepare myself for the storm and leave my flocks to explore the real world outside. Life is without boundary, and all you need is preparation and.......freedom.

Mistakenly fined!

BERIKUT ADALAH SENARAI SAMAN SEHINGGA 19/12/2009:

POLIS: BJN9034 Saman 1 10/31/2008 7:00:00 PM SHAH ALAM RM30.00 HALANGAN LALULINTAS 1-DA610923
POLIS: BJN9034 Saman 2 7/19/2009 10:30:00 PM MANJUNG RM200.00 TIDAK PAKAI TOPI KELEDAR 2-AA386398

How do i prove that these are not my tickets?

and... Since when do we have to use helmet while driving a car?

here and now

I will try my very best to update my blog at least once a week. My words are becoming shorter each day and the only communication I have for now is my brain, if you ever call 'that' a communication. My daily life is burning me out everyday. Work, family and also my professor who is still taking a long time correcting my thesis.

Work has been busy everyday. I had to face new things every single day. My job in the office are basically 30% Procurement, 20% administration tasks, 10% HR and 20% project development tasks which include 20% of finance (imagine all the costing & budget I have to do). It's like setting up a whole new company from scratch. Well, as a matter of fact, it is still a new company under the group company. You want solid experience? Go for manufacturing industry. You will learn a lot in no time. My BIL told me that he will put me as one of the board members once I am ready. But I am not sure how involved I am mentally and emotionally in this family business. I think they gonna kill me if they find out about this. Never ever get involved in family business. You don't know when you should apply the principle of "family comes first" because business always gets in the way.

Family. This year I am an aunty of 11 beautiful nieces (3 newly born nieces) and 10 nephews (1 newly born nephew). We don't really practice favoritism when it comes to the second generation of the family. But I truly fell in love with my beautiful niece who was born on 9th September 2009 (09.09.09). I have no idea why it felt like she's mine. It's like i can feel my womb when i touch her (scary huh?). My love for her has grown from just being an aunty into being a mother. She cried a lot at night but when I was there to put her to sleep, she hugs me like she recognize me as her mother, and only tears can measure up how much i felt for her that night. When she was having flu and having problems breathing, I stayed up all night making sure she does not suffocate. Even a slight move will wake me up in the middle of the night. When she has trouble sleeping, I will put her on my chest, rest my back on a pillow and cover both of us in a comforter to sleep. We both slept peacefully that night and she woke up only on the rising sun. Leaving her was a painful moment and everyday i had to text my sister to send me a photo of her through MMS. In my handphone, you will only see most pictures of hers. She's coming this friday, and that means happiness for me.

Thesis. Sigh. My prof is taking too long. She knows it is ready for submission but she told me she feels it is her responsibility to improve my writing according to her level. How much can I do other than giving her my best? Yet, she asked me to add another 3 months for writing. I was like, "I've finished! Done! What else can I write?" I told her, "That's it prof, I have spoken to my family and they insisted that I finish everything this semester. I am coming to 28 next year. I have to start earning." She finally understands and agreed with me. yes. at last.

Me and boyfriend :( time will tell. Looks like for now, it has to be career first.

TEAM JACOB!!!!!

wow, it has been so long since my last post.. My blog is almost forgotten....:)

I know many of you have been wondering about my absence. A lot of things happened. But i dont want to talk about all that right now. The only thing that's been bugging my head is...................of course none other than

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I watched it twice so far, and ---Taylor Lautner did surprise me *SCREAMMM* . Amazingly, I was all too willing to switch my love for Edward to Jacob Black. Yea, you heard me. :) Team Jacob for now....

I just can't stop talking about Jacob and I am glad they made him stay for New Moon despite being second-guessed before they confirmed the casting. Well, bear with me guys... I just wanna take this short hours to babble about twilight before i go back to my real world.

Bella, she's just..... Bella, my favourite human in Twilight. Speaking of my favourite, my favourite moment of her was the part where she sat in front of her window watching the changing weather and the camera spin around her with this song "possibility by Lykke Li". Needless to say, the suffering of hers was totally immense and it's like I can almost feel her emotions at that moment. When I heard this song, I was like.... "this is her sufferings, her emotions..." To my collegue, she said it's a Yoga song, very hypnotizing...

Edward, owh Edward.... Despite his absence in most part in New Moon, my favourite part was when he said to Bella "This is the last time you ever see me..." It's like he's forcing the words out with so much of hidden pain inside. It's like he is breaking up with me...(..sob sob...) Not forgetting, his smile when he uttered, "Marry me, Bella..." That was so Edward's version of 'kinkYness'..

Alice..... she's my fav vampire after Edward. My favourite part of her was when she said, "....After you let the dog out...." I always like her...

JACOBBBBB!!!!! *GULP* I am so crazy for him... *twinkle in my eyes* :):)