"The MeTapHoriCL of LiFe"

LOVE - FATHER AND DAUGHTER


Have you ever experience the love that only God can give you? the love of a daughter to her father... Why is it that only tears i could give to him? In my whole life, ive been telling around "I want to be happy"...yet why is it not enough to make myself happy?? Is happiness lies within other people's happiness?? Why is it so hard to keep away hatred? why is so hard to learn your mistake and try to improve instead of blaming others for hurting you...

Why do people go on saying life is 'unfair'? Is God deliberately put us in this situation? Having faith and putting hopes, most importantly beseige yourself with love for yourself and others...

Fears are all im having for the future ahead of me... I am strong, always will. But my fears for whatever in front of me is out of my control.... The UNKNOWN, the remaining blanks.... the vision is too unclear...it's too unpredictable - YET i neet to be strong.... i have to be independant - and that is the conquest of life - to stand with my own two feet without crying at daddy's leg, begging for a petty..

Why is it hard to make people understand that this is my LIFE?? i have the right to choose whoever i want to be with and whoever i want to be nice with.... please please do not interfere because the beast in me couldn't stand it.. Don't come and apologize to me but try to improve your life instead and start learning yourself to understand others... Sizes are meant to be different between all of us - but do not try my size but try to fit in your own size and be comfortable with it and let not others disturb your comfort and contentment in return...

I might say goodbye to this rage, the dissapointment and the frustration of being a failure myself... and i know one day, i will find the light and with this light, i might light it to others so they will stay on track.. i will not give a pat to their shoulder and say "hey, this is the right path"... instead my light will only make it easier for you to choose your own path...your life is your life and my life is my life...

to those who really care for me, thank you very much...
to those who tried to understand me before making any judgement, i know God has given me an angel like you to make me understand the meaning of trust and love...

For all this, im gonna rest now... im gonna put away this sadness and let God help me carry the burden because i cant stand any longer...

so long my friends, till we meet again..

My "Between-reality-and-absurdity" LiFe...

Ive just read thru Jaff’s blog today, credits given to Cindy for reminding me. Sorry Jaff, ive been neglecting my blog for such a long time already and I dun really have time to update myself with ur blog…. But im not worried about you jaff, u seemed to know how to handle things effortlessly… That’s more important ryte…

Well, I haven’t really put into details about my life here…I mean yes to put it like – “how good life has been” – ive done tat in the previous post, ryte? But when it comes to emotional awareness, its more complicated than that..

I have realized that, ive been keeping stuff to myself a lot… and somehow it’s hurting me but it feels good when nobody actually know about you and you don’t have to worry about any attachment… I duno - ive been keeping my distance from everybody… I do appreciate friendship but somehow friendship scares me to death… and I don’t want any complication anymore. It’s been really really tough for me and I really want to have a better life so I can make this place a better place to be…

I wish the tears that I had before I came here will be the last tears of sadness for me… it has been really painful for me – imagine how agonizing it is when your dad is in the hospital and your family is breaking apart, not forgetting about the peer pressure you have to go through and also the unexplainable financial constraint… it’s too much to take – there ive said it here at last!!! I wish not to repeat this again…

MY DAD – he has been my everything – my spirit, my love, my happiness, my inspiration, my peace, my strength. He went for angiogram a week ago and they found that he is not fit for the operation so they send him back to Sabah and now that he has to fully depend on medication – and only miracles can help him *sigh* ….. I really want to go back – so much – to see my dad.. The memory before I leave the hospital for airport is still playing in my head… My dad saw me crying like a baby in the balcony because of the unpleasant goodbyes I had at home before coming to the hospital to see my dad… he knew I was hurting so he came to me and persuaded me with his eyes welling up with tears… we hugged and cried together for all the heartache we shared together… I just can’t stop crying and with my mom crying like she will never see me again – THAT IS SO PAINFUL…… I refused to go back – not for my own egoism but the circumstances im at…it’s difficult to explain and I would like to skip the details… as long as my dad understand me, that’s enough….

MY FAMILY – The unpleasant view suddenly appear in my head and I really pray for the peace in my family…. I couldn’t stand seeing the explosion of rage in each of them – each has their own dissatisfactions and disappointments towards each other – some very indisposed of forgiving each other… im glad that now I don’t have to see it anymore…

PEER PRESSURE – when it comes to this, disappointment suddenly wash over me… YES, I do have a lot of friends… but those that really understand me and willing to understand can be reckoned with only ONE HAND….. and so disappointing when u found out that they had made their own Judgement by just observing your actions – is that what you call “concern for a friend”… That’s what I call “Bullshit”….
Friend, in definition, is never to judge them but try to understand them and make them comfortable… because all of us has a different size of shoes, I cant be in your shoe, neither do you… so you cant exactly comprehend with what they feel abt things and why they do stuff like that… This is what I see in some people, so childish and so immature… yet im not here to judge other people too…like I said, its important to understand others without expecting them to understand you too… so im just gonna let this go with the flow… I have nothing against anyone and I am glad that now I am all by myself and I have to keep my distance so I wont get hurt anymore… but that does not mean I can’t help others or care for others… I will still show my concern by helping others but sorry, I can’t always say YES to you… at times, I need my space…

And now my life here… how do I really feel about this place?? Well, like what I have told you before, everything has been good to me… He has given me more than what I have asked.. Frankly, I am not used to have a good problem-free kind of life… so I was thinking there must be a catch somewhere – but im not being pessimistic here… im saying this because I want to remind myself that I have to be prepared for whatever that may come in the future… I may not always sit on a comfortable couch, at times I have to sit on thorny surface… whatever it is, I must pray and be thankful for the goodness ive been receiving and ask for strength when things get tough…

Yes Jaff, I am content with my life now….. thank you jaff – your statement really make my tears so ready to be given out – but I have to be strong – and thank you for understanding… so far, you have been one of the few person that actually make me feel belong and comfortable…

ToO faSt tOo FuRiouS

hey guysss....im back!!!!!!

i just got my streamyx line today... i am soooOOoOoOo happy.. it's 1.0mb some more...let me tell ya, its fast and i am so furioussss!!!!!!! but oh well, i can smile and laugh now...give me a month and see what's my expression after getting the bill....hahahahah

there's so much for me to tell and now i dont know which to tell but worse still, i dunno how to start...its a bit awkward tho' ....

well let me start on my new place... i mean let's start on UKM first... the place is of course not as big as UMS and not as outstanding as it look compare to UMS... im not being bias or anything here... well, those UMSians, i guess u know how to do a judgement on this kan... but dont ever judge based on its cover... the lecturers there are very helpful...willing to go one-by-one for you... but of course you have to show your effort and your determination to them and you have to be really hardworking. im done going through my project and i have finished with the flow chart and its details. I have shown to my supervisor all the labworks that i proposed to do for this project... im quite suprise myself how fast i did the first part...and now that i have this fast connection at home, i have no reason not to finish my proposal in 2 weeks time. i love it when i have so many things to do and no time to think about other things such as problems etc... In my lab, there are only two of us, and both of us a girl...but i can get along well with Kak Noni. she is a very nice and gentle person. im very much comfortable talking to her and doing things with her. We have another lab that i can easily access to at anytime. Stanley, the phd student, Aizat, the 1st year master student and Thong the part time master student are the PR of the lab... and they are supernice, superfriendly and superhelpful to me. I tot' that competition is very much hight here. but looking at these people in my lab, i guess i dun have to worry abt such thing as competition whatsoever... and the BEST part is my co-supervisor is a dean... so can u imagine how lucky i am to get a dean as my co-supervisor... Whenever i want to discuss anything with him, he will go all the way just to help me... he even went around all the labs just to solve my problems.. The student's gazes were all following his movement with me as the tail.. :) :)

ok that's about UKM...now let me tell you abt my lodging.. Im staying in an area called Hentian Kajang which is very much convenient for me... u can get almost everything here... u name it, UKM bus, restaurants, hp shop, pc shop, laundry shop, grocery shop, kfc - in short, i dun have to go to Kajang or Bangi town to get what i want... except for entertainment of course... and my house - 4 sabahans including me and a swkian... and they are not the people like i used to see or meet.. they are hardworking, trouble-free and they dun have big mouth.. most of them are the soft-spoken type and very easy to get along with.. and the house some more, it feels like home.. we have almost everything here...

to be cont'd

My First-time AcciDent!!!

Gawd, Im a dead man!! i hit a Kancil today in the middle of a stupid traffic jam. It happened right after i dropped my brother in front of GSC, and was thinking of going straight to UMS. Ive been waiting for the chance to go to UMS and meet everyone in IPB, but then luck was not on my side today.

Im not a reckless driver, but no matter how good your driving skills are, it doesnt mean we are always lucky and safe when we're on the road. I saw the Kancil but was not aware of his sudden halt. I was trying to hit the main road but since everyone was rushing and 'kedekut' i had to press it down and grab the chance to turn to the main road... While looking at the traffic on my right side, i forgot about the car right in front of me and didnt manage to hit the break when i saw his sudden brake lights and that moment i heard a 'bang' sound and the Kancil in front was pushed to the front like a meter away from its original position. A man came out from the car and by looking at his expression, i know he was angry. I went like "Oh shit, this is money!"

so i jumped out from the car and face him like a brave lady, i controlled my panic. i saw the damage of my brother's car and the guy's Kancil. It was not that bad. But this stupid guy went on like a madcap, like the world does not matter anymore and all he can think about was his stupid Kancil. I chose not to make a scene in front of the people and the cars on the road. Cars starting to double up its numbers so we went to Asia City and parked there.

He called all his friends, i think five of them. Damn it, i didnt know who to call. So i informed my brother. He came and said nothing, so it wasnt much of a help, i was on my own, arguing with these 4-5 guys. i almost lose it when one of the guy's friend took my driving license. i thought he just wanted to check whether im a legal driver but the minute i showed my license to him, he grab it and said he's keeping it until we settled everything. I was so angry and said that He cant do that. How can i move around town if he took my license right. so in exchange, i had to give him my IC. I know it was still a stupid idea but i need to drive here and there, so my license is more important at that time.

The best part was, he asked me to pay cash on the spot. I asked him how much he wants, he said a thousand. I told him im not stupid because it wont be that much. He went on saying that its a new car, and he need to change this and that, and repaint it even though it wasnt that bad. i have to act smart, tho i was still stupid for giving them my IC.

Maybe you will ask me, why not report to the police, the thing is, i planned not tell me brother that i jacked his car. The guys are rushing for a football match, so we promised to settle it by tomorrow.

This is a nightmare to me. eventhough it was a 'first-gear' accident, the damage was not that bad but still its my first time. and the first time will not be forgotten...so morale for today...drive carefully you guys... dun ever think the roads are yours. and another thing is, even tho' somebody hit your car, do not think that they are stupid, no matter how small they are to you. Anyway, the guy is not that tall too, maybe 5cm taller than me, so still i have a chance to win if he wants to do one-on-one.....hahhah *LOL*, im joking....

The beautiful creation of "F.E.L.L.I.E"

-Written by GOD-

Fellie,

i created you this way and made you a beautiful person. To this beautiful creation, i give some gifts for you to carry as a guideline which is love,faith and hope so that life will be beautiful and peaceful for you.
Please don’t take this as a burden for you to carry. Instead, take it as a gift from your lovingly Father. My creation is always based upon my unconditional love. Nobody is perfect, so you don’t have to be perfect to love Me and your neighbours. Be as what ive built you to be, for it will bear fruit according to my plan. I know this gift has given your complexitiex in life but you will see soon that you are worthy of my gift. People will look at you as a symbol of love and passions.

Accept life as what it has to be and go through all the obstacles for you may find beauty beneath it. I am giving you a quest in which you may find dark tunnels, crossroads, dark alleys and maybe some painful events but at the end of this quest you will find a key. This key is to open a small box which I have already prepared for you. I have to give you this quest to prove that you are worthy of my gift. This small box is what I called the ‘greatest achievement’. Because of this box, you will have purpose in life. So don’t give up because this box has your name on it, it means that it is yours as long as you find the key.

You are never alone. Maybe sometimes you may think that I abandon you but I am always there guiding you as you go along this quest. Like I said, I have provided you the most important securities – Love, Faith and Hope.

Do not cry when things get rough, save your tears for the small box that you may receive from me. Remember Fellie, start your journey with Love, and bring Faith together with you because Hope is always before you to make sure you will keep going. They are the security of your being.
You can always talk to me before you sleep or even when you are driving. I am always here and my angels will watch over you every second of the day. Good luck.

pinch me plsss... so i'll say OucHH!!

just came back from work. i just noticed my resignation today. 29 more days to come and i will officially end my employment in Havana. im so tired right now but i just cant get myself to sleep. so many things bugging my head now. i wish i can just let it vanish by listening to music or playing my guitar but it didnt work..

so here i am... and i know ive stopped blogging for quite a long time.. my laptop isnt helping either so now im using the desktop, the connection is a bit faster with this one.

well, lotsa things happened lately. some are happy things and some are totally giving me these soreness to endure. i learned a lot too these days. my dad was sick again, but lucky he's back to normal now. he fainted the day i received a gud news from a lecturer in UKM asking me if im still interested in doing my master project under her supervision. i was so happy that i got a place there. but i forgot the small things that's gonna make my decision a hard thing to make. hmm, there's financial problem. family problem. etc etc. i know ure hearing the same thing again so let me skip the elaboration this time.

but right now, i have this huge thing in my head and no matter how hard i try to filter it out, it is still remain unresolved. so never mind, let it stay there. arghhh, pls pinch me.... i need to wake up from this nightmare.

few months ago, ive been making some good songs which is too bad i wont let you guys hear it. it's only for me to hear. hehhe. the first song was about a girl who's having miseries in her life but she has strong passions for her dreams and she believe she's gonna make it in the end. the other song was about this person who was so frustrated of her/his relationship failure and is trying very hard to figure out how to get out from the pain. the third song was about two person falling in love because they share the same dream and getting along really well. i know they suck but i love the tune. soft and gentle. *obviously im running out of topic* help me out here....

well, i think i'll just stop here..my brain is draining now.... if i continue, u will lose interest..so might as well just put a full stop here...

gudnite everyone, sweet dream.