The “Unwelcomed” Rules in my life

Maybe quitting is not a good idea after all. I will wait for my NSF news, and if I am awarded with the scholarship then I don’t have to think about my job prospects, I think. Since I am bound to government for at least few years before I venture into something else. How if I don’t get it? Well, my plan B was…. (I can’t really tell you right now, its too sensitive to say now)

Well, what happened to me last night? Reality hurts. Seeing the handcuffs on my hands, and the corruption in front of my eyes, and the empire I have to stay under. Where is my right to voice out my opinions on my life??!!! MY OWN LIFE!!!

I have to admit, I can’t take it when I am imprisoned by the rules which was made for me and I am no longer qualified to decide on my own life, because the handcuff on my hands is an obvious reminder that I am under the rules that I never wanted to have.

How do I run away from this confinement? I have made a long term planning, and now I’m only waiting for its time. I am ready for another chapter of life, later then I will have the freedom to control my own life without the interference of these rules. The worst thing was, they are not even my parent’s rules, in fact my parents are also one of the victim of the injustice….. Don’t you think it’s funny?

tell me about it..

The Greatest FEAR before my eyes

Life is too hard to grasp, I might need another hand to help me to keep hold of everything. Now my cake is melting and slowly it’s losing its taste. I was a fighter once, and strength has been the one that keeps me up and up to every stage in life.

I remember right after my internship, I had to work for months to earn money and save them, so that I could come to KL and pursue my dream. I have been so confident of my decision and I was happy that God blessed me with all the strength I need. Being alone wasn’t easy and I have been in denial of my loneliness and despair. I wanted to make things work and I managed to be where I am now.

My work has been in a delay, and i am progressing really slowly. I lost all my confidents and my energy to fight. The world is starting to take what belongs to them and I am a lost sheep. My platform is breaking to pieces and my legs will somehow lose its balance, and they are just waiting for time to collapse.

I have foreseen a lot of possibilities in life, and nightmares make it even worse. My parents is still around and I know their prayer has been the reason of the sturdiness of my platform, but once God take them away from me, then everything falls apart, I will lose everything I have. I can’t let that happen, can I?

I have been thinking of quitting and try my luck on something else. My friend was saying “You want to quit after all the hard work of reaching to this stage? Even after NSF?” I am not giving up, I am just preparing myself for the worse thing to come. What can be scarier than waiting your life to collapse in front of your eyes? No, no more catastrophic events in life. That midnight call has awaken my greatest fear in life, and I shall not ignore them anymore. It’s time to make it stop threatening me.

"Life Without Value"

Life can be a lot of things to everyone. Life can be a platform for us to dig as many gold as possible, to build our own empire, to create something ‘meaningful’ in life, to gain knowledge in the horizon or to proclaim your possessions and hope someone will notice and bow to you. Nevertheless, there is one crucial thing in life which is hard to maintain and found to be missing in almost everyone; it is the value in life or in a person. I have encountered such drama where values are no longer the measurement of happiness or purpose in life. Life is harsh when people start screaming at your face and saying that you are the dumbest person on the planet.

Imagine how hard it is to swallow those words given out to you while you are trying to keep it calm at the other line.

Somehow you couldn’t control your emotion and all the words start ripping your inner side and you’re uncontrollably bleeding inside. God was there with me, but I know He wants me to face the pain and be calm. Despite being so sick and almost ‘die’ on the bed, I have to deposit in all the sadness and painful feelings, and let tears put me to sleep.

I tried to make life simple, I tried to make all situation less complicated but the surroundings has made me even worse. I tried to kill my awful pride, I tried to keep everything low profile and be as humble as possible. I tried to be a good daughter and sister, but none of that is discernible and I am just a piece of s**t and everything is a total waste of time. Hopefully one day, my family will see the worth of me, and understand the way I am. No matter how far you try to run away from something, when bloods are connected, distance is no longer an issue, and you’re still in the never-ending problem. This is again my superficial life. Sigh

“Life is a risk you take”

I always want to write a book. I have been telling myself for years that I want to write a book and someday if I have the chance, I will. It’s not for the money but it’s my passion. I love to tell you the story of my life, because my life has been a roller coaster ride. All the events in the past taught me a lot about love, trust, determination, and most importantly life taught me how to bounce back from failure, betrayal, frustration and despondency.

I talked to a lot of people, I befriended all kinds of people and I shared a lot with people from different backgrounds. They are all important in creating the history of my life and its flow from the beginning till this point.

I went through all sorts of emotion – love, anger, depression, happiness and the list goes on. I know how it feels to be really sad, angry, hurt and also happy. I am now an expert in hiding my emotion in public and only those who really know me so well can smell the fish around me.

I began to understand every puzzle in my life, and I realize that life is all about choices. Different choices of life draw us to a different way of life. I always love challenges in life. What I love the most is to challenge myself in whatever situation in life. I know I am not the best of all, but mapping your life is quite an adventure then going for water rafting or mountain climbing. As you make your choices, risk are always there. Whether you’re willing to take the risk, it’s really up to you. Some people are scared of taking a risk, it’s not their fault. But those who are willing to take a risk are those who want some changes in their life and these people will learn more about life and they will have insights on what’s going on around them. I am speaking here based on everything as a whole and not pointing at anyone and these are not judgments but life as a fact.

Whatever it is, one day I might write a book. Maybe some people hates my ideas or point of view, but I believe that sharing can help you discover something new in your being. Blame me for reading a lot of books and talking to people from all sort of kind. But I love expanding and gaining new knowledge verbally or through reading. My evaluation may be wrong, hey, you know what? If you disagree with me on this, you are already taking a risk in changing your life, because you don’t follow what I say. Instead, you are evaluating what I said. Good job, people. Welcome to my world.

Life is a risk you take, so don’t be scared of risks because they can be friendly to you when you want to befriend them and learn to accept failure and disappointments, because sometimes that is what you get from getting risky.

Suki WORLD this time!!

I was so surprised that Suki won the competition tonight when it was obvious that the audience in the hall was blown away by Faizal. Well for once, his performance was a thousand times better than the other two. I was intrigue by his medley performance and he sure knows how to put 3 songs into one beat, and amazingly, he nailed it off really well. That is what we call unique. Faizal gave me a goose bump and I was jumping on the sofa with Emily during his performance, which is enough to tell how well he performed that night.

Well as for Suki, I have nothing against her but she is still hundred miles away to be in sync with Faizal despite her supreme sacrifice for her upcoming SPM. When she was singing, I don’t see any fascination; it was just an enjoyable performance for coffee time which Simon AI would call, “A forgettable performance”. Unfortunately, Alif, whom is also very talented in his own way, was overshadowed by Suki’s screaming fans and Faizal’s astounding performance. But I will still feel okay if Alif wins, but not SUKI. The elimination of Dayang was a great surprise, and with Suki winning the competition is enough to make the show a total dissapointment. Is Malaysia that talent blind?

Okay, Congratulations to all Suki’s fan, your money was a good investment after all.

"Critical", yet "indecisive"

I wish life could be easier than this. I know I have been sighing over my life like a thousand times. But I can’t help thinking of all the things that likely to happen in future. It’s in my nature to make sure that everything goes perfect with all the things in my life since I am having this shaky life along the road and I always found myself in a crossroad, and worse still, I am not fit to decide and act wisely.

I know I am not really that unfortunate to have the kind of family I have now, I do love my family though they can be so unreliable sometimes. I am now considered financially secured, but what will happen if I stop receiving allowance from my GRA scheme? That means my life will be as doom as the overcooked meat, I can’t turn to anyone for money which I never will because of this egoism that exist in me ever since I was born.

I am really aiming for jobs so that I will be financially secured and stable. I can’t depend on my sister or any of my siblings for money; I rather work it on my own no matter how tough it will be. I really hope I can make up my mind sometime soon about this confusion in my head. Life is getting more stressful now, and there’s no time to sit around and see what is going to happen next. The chapter of life is reaching its’ climax and it scares me to the max. I just have to act fast and smart. God help me!