Contemplation stage

An excerpt from the previous post:

"I have 8 more working days to submit my hard cover for senate approval. If I miss the date, I will only get to wear the graduation gown and the mortar board next year!!"

Did I submit my hardcover on time? Yes, in fact it was done 3 days before the deadline. Do I get to wear the graduation gown and the mortar board this year? YES!!  BUT---- will i really get to wear my graduation gown and walk up to the stage to get my scroll with full of pride and victory?

THAT, I am not sure.

Why?

Imagine myself - going for the convocation...

All clothes are prepared for the event the night before. Drive off early in the morning to catch the registration of students at 7.30 a.m. I might not know anyone but myself so I can probably guess that I will be playing with my blackberry to kill time and to avoid boredom. It is expected that the feeling wont be the same as how it was 5 years ago (for my B.Sc convocation). Then, the session starts at 8-8.30 am, yadi....yadi....yada... blah... blah... blah... i go up to the stage and take my scroll while I make sure I get the correct pose for the picture (If I plan to have it). I'll clear off the stage with the best fake smile on my face while checking my watch for the zillion time to make sure it finishes on time. When the whole thing is done, I'll follow the over ecstatic young crowds to the exit and inevitably witness students hugging each other, showing passion and appreciation for each other, taking pictures, parents coming from everywhere with bouquets of flowers and teddy bears... and I? Oh well, to avoid the discomfort feelings of awkwardness or bumping into someone who's gonna ask, "Hey, congratulations!! Who are you with? Where's your family.....or friends??", I'll probably just rush to my car and head home. Or even more pathetically, buy a bouquet of flower and assume that someone bought me as a congratulation gift.

Do you really think I am gonna let myself go through that? I rather not

So..... I have been contemplating to have reasons not to go. I know I will have friends coming if I text them, "Hey my convocation is on this date,  you wanna come....and see me....graduate?? and....maybe get me a bouquet of flowers so we can take a snap with it? Or maybe not...but  pictures will be good, ya know..ngeheehee" (no hard feelings guys, its just me showing how pathetic it can be if i consider myself going for it)

I called mom, just to have some hope but of course having her to come for my convo without anyone accompanying her will be a ridiculous idea. Well, I did get the exact response I expected. Can't blame my mom. It's Tuesday, everybody is working so I won't expect my family members to come, even if i asked. (I did asked my eldest brother and received the expected response).

Do you think I want to hurt myself that way? Going through that - asking, pleading, planning, hoping..... all that requires extra energy and stable emotion. I'm not sure if I can handle that.

Imagine myself not going...

I get to save my in-lieu leave..

I get to finish up some work...

I dont have to worry about ANYTHING MENTIONED ABOVE

But I am just contemplating, no decision to be made yet. and soon there will be...