Saturday, September 30, 2006

The “Unwelcomed” Rules in my life

Maybe quitting is not a good idea after all. I will wait for my NSF news, and if I am awarded with the scholarship then I don’t have to think about my job prospects, I think. Since I am bound to government for at least few years before I venture into something else. How if I don’t get it? Well, my plan B was…. (I can’t really tell you right now, its too sensitive to say now)

Well, what happened to me last night? Reality hurts. Seeing the handcuffs on my hands, and the corruption in front of my eyes, and the empire I have to stay under. Where is my right to voice out my opinions on my life??!!! MY OWN LIFE!!!

I have to admit, I can’t take it when I am imprisoned by the rules which was made for me and I am no longer qualified to decide on my own life, because the handcuff on my hands is an obvious reminder that I am under the rules that I never wanted to have.

How do I run away from this confinement? I have made a long term planning, and now I’m only waiting for its time. I am ready for another chapter of life, later then I will have the freedom to control my own life without the interference of these rules. The worst thing was, they are not even my parent’s rules, in fact my parents are also one of the victim of the injustice….. Don’t you think it’s funny?

tell me about it..

The Greatest FEAR before my eyes

Life is too hard to grasp, I might need another hand to help me to keep hold of everything. Now my cake is melting and slowly it’s losing its taste. I was a fighter once, and strength has been the one that keeps me up and up to every stage in life.

I remember right after my internship, I had to work for months to earn money and save them, so that I could come to KL and pursue my dream. I have been so confident of my decision and I was happy that God blessed me with all the strength I need. Being alone wasn’t easy and I have been in denial of my loneliness and despair. I wanted to make things work and I managed to be where I am now.

My work has been in a delay, and i am progressing really slowly. I lost all my confidents and my energy to fight. The world is starting to take what belongs to them and I am a lost sheep. My platform is breaking to pieces and my legs will somehow lose its balance, and they are just waiting for time to collapse.

I have foreseen a lot of possibilities in life, and nightmares make it even worse. My parents is still around and I know their prayer has been the reason of the sturdiness of my platform, but once God take them away from me, then everything falls apart, I will lose everything I have. I can’t let that happen, can I?

I have been thinking of quitting and try my luck on something else. My friend was saying “You want to quit after all the hard work of reaching to this stage? Even after NSF?” I am not giving up, I am just preparing myself for the worse thing to come. What can be scarier than waiting your life to collapse in front of your eyes? No, no more catastrophic events in life. That midnight call has awaken my greatest fear in life, and I shall not ignore them anymore. It’s time to make it stop threatening me.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

"Life Without Value"

Life can be a lot of things to everyone. Life can be a platform for us to dig as many gold as possible, to build our own empire, to create something ‘meaningful’ in life, to gain knowledge in the horizon or to proclaim your possessions and hope someone will notice and bow to you. Nevertheless, there is one crucial thing in life which is hard to maintain and found to be missing in almost everyone; it is the value in life or in a person. I have encountered such drama where values are no longer the measurement of happiness or purpose in life. Life is harsh when people start screaming at your face and saying that you are the dumbest person on the planet.

Imagine how hard it is to swallow those words given out to you while you are trying to keep it calm at the other line.

Somehow you couldn’t control your emotion and all the words start ripping your inner side and you’re uncontrollably bleeding inside. God was there with me, but I know He wants me to face the pain and be calm. Despite being so sick and almost ‘die’ on the bed, I have to deposit in all the sadness and painful feelings, and let tears put me to sleep.

I tried to make life simple, I tried to make all situation less complicated but the surroundings has made me even worse. I tried to kill my awful pride, I tried to keep everything low profile and be as humble as possible. I tried to be a good daughter and sister, but none of that is discernible and I am just a piece of s**t and everything is a total waste of time. Hopefully one day, my family will see the worth of me, and understand the way I am. No matter how far you try to run away from something, when bloods are connected, distance is no longer an issue, and you’re still in the never-ending problem. This is again my superficial life. Sigh

Sunday, September 24, 2006

“Life is a risk you take”

I always want to write a book. I have been telling myself for years that I want to write a book and someday if I have the chance, I will. It’s not for the money but it’s my passion. I love to tell you the story of my life, because my life has been a roller coaster ride. All the events in the past taught me a lot about love, trust, determination, and most importantly life taught me how to bounce back from failure, betrayal, frustration and despondency.

I talked to a lot of people, I befriended all kinds of people and I shared a lot with people from different backgrounds. They are all important in creating the history of my life and its flow from the beginning till this point.

I went through all sorts of emotion – love, anger, depression, happiness and the list goes on. I know how it feels to be really sad, angry, hurt and also happy. I am now an expert in hiding my emotion in public and only those who really know me so well can smell the fish around me.

I began to understand every puzzle in my life, and I realize that life is all about choices. Different choices of life draw us to a different way of life. I always love challenges in life. What I love the most is to challenge myself in whatever situation in life. I know I am not the best of all, but mapping your life is quite an adventure then going for water rafting or mountain climbing. As you make your choices, risk are always there. Whether you’re willing to take the risk, it’s really up to you. Some people are scared of taking a risk, it’s not their fault. But those who are willing to take a risk are those who want some changes in their life and these people will learn more about life and they will have insights on what’s going on around them. I am speaking here based on everything as a whole and not pointing at anyone and these are not judgments but life as a fact.

Whatever it is, one day I might write a book. Maybe some people hates my ideas or point of view, but I believe that sharing can help you discover something new in your being. Blame me for reading a lot of books and talking to people from all sort of kind. But I love expanding and gaining new knowledge verbally or through reading. My evaluation may be wrong, hey, you know what? If you disagree with me on this, you are already taking a risk in changing your life, because you don’t follow what I say. Instead, you are evaluating what I said. Good job, people. Welcome to my world.

Life is a risk you take, so don’t be scared of risks because they can be friendly to you when you want to befriend them and learn to accept failure and disappointments, because sometimes that is what you get from getting risky.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Suki WORLD this time!!

I was so surprised that Suki won the competition tonight when it was obvious that the audience in the hall was blown away by Faizal. Well for once, his performance was a thousand times better than the other two. I was intrigue by his medley performance and he sure knows how to put 3 songs into one beat, and amazingly, he nailed it off really well. That is what we call unique. Faizal gave me a goose bump and I was jumping on the sofa with Emily during his performance, which is enough to tell how well he performed that night.

Well as for Suki, I have nothing against her but she is still hundred miles away to be in sync with Faizal despite her supreme sacrifice for her upcoming SPM. When she was singing, I don’t see any fascination; it was just an enjoyable performance for coffee time which Simon AI would call, “A forgettable performance”. Unfortunately, Alif, whom is also very talented in his own way, was overshadowed by Suki’s screaming fans and Faizal’s astounding performance. But I will still feel okay if Alif wins, but not SUKI. The elimination of Dayang was a great surprise, and with Suki winning the competition is enough to make the show a total dissapointment. Is Malaysia that talent blind?

Okay, Congratulations to all Suki’s fan, your money was a good investment after all.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

"Critical", yet "indecisive"

I wish life could be easier than this. I know I have been sighing over my life like a thousand times. But I can’t help thinking of all the things that likely to happen in future. It’s in my nature to make sure that everything goes perfect with all the things in my life since I am having this shaky life along the road and I always found myself in a crossroad, and worse still, I am not fit to decide and act wisely.

I know I am not really that unfortunate to have the kind of family I have now, I do love my family though they can be so unreliable sometimes. I am now considered financially secured, but what will happen if I stop receiving allowance from my GRA scheme? That means my life will be as doom as the overcooked meat, I can’t turn to anyone for money which I never will because of this egoism that exist in me ever since I was born.

I am really aiming for jobs so that I will be financially secured and stable. I can’t depend on my sister or any of my siblings for money; I rather work it on my own no matter how tough it will be. I really hope I can make up my mind sometime soon about this confusion in my head. Life is getting more stressful now, and there’s no time to sit around and see what is going to happen next. The chapter of life is reaching its’ climax and it scares me to the max. I just have to act fast and smart. God help me!

Friday, September 15, 2006

A fable worth reading - "All the things we tend to forget"

I can’t believe im-turning 24 this October, it felt like only yesterday I see the wideness of the world and the beautiful smiles of everyone due to my arrival to this planet. Then, I start talking like I have two mouths on my face, and the next thing I knew is, I was carrying my 2 kegs weight of bag to school, awhile later I graduated from secondary school and went away from home to expand my educational level. It felt like only yesterday I came to KL to pursue my studies, and now it felt like I am not ready to grow older. Suddenly, my family was concern about my relationship with a man, and my sister was talking about how marriage life is like. My closest friends were talking about career, money and stuff. I was like “Can I turn back to 16? It was so much fun before then.

Life is getting more serious as you grow older. I wish it could be easier like how it was when my mom fed me with milk and I can just relax in her arms and enjoy the sensation of stuffing her nips to my innocent mouth. Well, it is for free, in fact. But unfortunate for us that now, you can only get all you need after an amount of payment and nothing is for free anymore. I still remember the time when my dad used to drive me along with some other friends to school. He was the one who has been working hard for his kids, whereas I just enjoy the ride at the back of his seat, not even knowing the hardships he has to go through to bring us up. Now, as I maturely grow in wisdom, I see those sacrifices my dad has made in his life just to make sure that we have enough food in the house, enough money to live with, and enough education to help us in future. Yet, we are too arrogant to realize that our life now is made by the people before us, and they are the reason why are standing here at this moment. If it wasn;t for them, i would not be speaking this way, showing people i am too smart to think of those important things. I might be at the sidewalk waiting for rich people to grab my ass, only to prove that i am such a burn-out waiting to be rewarded for the stupidest thing a woman can do. How can a woman degrade themselve that way? i thought a woman's pride is the most expensive and highest one compare to man. Woman has become a toy and a playground to those who are the least to know of a woman's worth. Shame are those worthless creature...


Before im done with my Msc, i should think of applying for jobs somewhere and at least get my feet on something, and slowly draw myself to a more challenging job. I really hope i will get the chance to do something more extraordinary and adventurous to fill the excitement of my life. I know i might sigh every now and then but life means nothing for me if i just sit and wait for something to light my way, instead i should go ahead and seek for the light. and that is me. I always think that time is not reversal, and it waits for no one. Regrets will be the most embarassing feelings for me, and i shall not let myself drawn to that.

T has been reminding me of how precious time is and i shall not leave anything behind for later. Everything has to be done quickly and organized. He helped me to push myself forward to do everything possible and do it better each time so that I will never regret anything, it is better to fail than do nothing.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

peace in the heart

Life is back to its normal mode again. Surprisingly, Im feeling homesick since last night but I am glad I have T to neutralize my feelings. Nevertheless, I was so happy to meet my friends here; I am not sure why I was feeling like that since I was a bit reserved before then. The moment I reach my habitat, all the feelings came back to me and I was so excited to see my home neatly organized and looked new.

Ivan and Pete helped me to unpack and it was a bit embarrassing that they had to see my under garments while unpacking my radio and CPU. They stayed awhile till midnite and headed back home after finishing few packs of my Hinava. *LOL* Hmmm, I know I am doing better now…

Today feels a bit weird and I kept on telling Emily that it feels peculiar being here after a long break and hopefully things will be back to normal once I am actively on the move with my work and social life. I am just missing home so much, even though I didn’t get to hang out much with my friends, but being at home spending time with the people I love has been better than Ive imagined myself. I never felt the feeling of belongingness. I am starting to understand myself now. I have been growing up with serious feelings of rejection, and let only few people to dwell in my world. Not only my friends, but I have been rejecting people my own blood because of the violence and injustice I have seen them doing.

Nobody really understands me, because I never let them and I know I should have never blamed my friends for being so insensitive about my problems. A friend approached me and tells me all her problems and it got me thinking, how did I get through my loneliness, depression and anxiety. I accepted. I accepted the circumstances I was in and all the trials I have to undergo. Instead of fighting back, I complied and then I chose to let go and be happy. All you need to get through the stage is peace in the heart, once you have earned that then you will be happy.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

F.A.I.T.H ahead of me

Life is pretty much like a basketball game to me lately. There is pain, excitement, joy and suspense at every turns. The most exciting was getting to know T’s family and fitting in. Right now all I know is, I need to get done with my master and hopefully there is chance for me to even grow wider in the world outside, and if i ever get the chance to further my level, i will never hesitate to do so, probably then i am ready to settle down with him, which i will when the right time comes.

The meeting with Clifford few days ago was a very much pleasurable as we have shared a lot about our life and the future we dreamed of having. I know I have taken all the chances for being happy for granted and right now, I need to embrace every moment I have and appreciate those who are dear to me while pursuing my dream. The past few events in my life had made me realize a lot of things and I, from now on, will never ever daydream of a perfect life but live life to the fullest and start being happy instead of reaching out. Happiness is earned, not gained. I shall not torture myself just to fix my imperfect life anymore.

No matter how much you try to reach the top, you should never ever let those who love you stray behind.” I may have lost a lot in the past, and was deeply hurt but I promise myself I will never hurt myself that way again. What passed is passed, and it is time to move on and focus on what’s evolving around me.

I have been downgrading myself too much lately that it destroyed my self-esteem but now I have regained all the spirits I once have and be a new person with faith ahead of me.

I should thank a lot of my friends, especially my dearest one who has been there for me at times of trouble. You have been my FAITH when everything falls apart. I should also thank God for having His mercy upon me and bless me with His peace and love.

As I leave KK tomorrow evening, i will leave nothing but footprints and bring nothing but memories.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Act of contrition

Thanks for being honest eechi, and dont worry im not hiding myself here because i know where i stand and i am not here to defense myself anymore...

To be honest, when I read ur comment eechi, I feel like deleting it immediately because it was too much to take but deleting it will only means I am hiding it, and it’s only fair to let it stay published since I have wrote about you guys too. I remind myself it is not wrong to face the charge and let everyone know what really happened and what kind of person I am… now I really don’t mind if people starts to judge me because I have let go all my anger and my disappointments for the last events and I am willing to put down my sword for peace… I really want to make it up, lay the cards on the table (listen to you all and explain things), not to defense myself but to reach the understanding between each other so we can make peace and be friends again… but I guess it may not happen since I don’t have much time here in KK.

Ive tried to make you all understand but i guess the damage is beyond repair, so there's not much i can say to fix it.. i admit it's very immature of me to even publicize the previous post as well, (i was warned) but it's the only way to reach to you girls..

I am sorry that i have judged you and Jo (saying that you are all being immature and are still the same) but as far as i remember i haven't really badmouthed you guys.. there is one stage of life where i want to reach out to you girls but i just couldn't because i was too scared that i will be misjudged since I have broken up with Chris.. i was really sensitive about everything that time and maybe words slipped out from my mouth out of frustration..but honestly eechi, i have never talked bad about you, especially you.. well again, i sound defensive..

i really duno what to say... i duno why i din sms you all that day, i cant remember.. the only thing i remember is i was also confused that day and i thought u understand how demanding my sister can be.. my sister!! i sacrificed a lot for her and even got a D in my Bio and the rest is C back in UMS just to take responsibilities at home... but none of that matter now.. i know i should have sms you guys, that was my mistake..

and maybe ive put my family too much priorities that ive forgotten abt you all that day... i know i was selfish.. I can see it though that time I din realize it that way.

well, let's put it behind us eechi... let's just move on with life... it's my bad that the friendship is broken... if we can't be friends anymore, it's ok eechi. i know whatever i say here will only make things worse... i really duno what to do so i will leave it to this dot chi..

what i can say here is... i am sorry for everything that happened.. it's not my nature to bow down this much except when i really want to fix something, you know me well, my pride is too high to be degraded (not easy for me to say sorry) but ive put it off hundred percent and went all out for this, but i think this is the best i can do...just let time heal, let God decide..

There will be a lot of my friends reading this, but it doesn’t matter if I will be judged or not… it doesn’t matter anymore that my pride is taken away.. all I know is, when I say sorry, I was really really sorry, and I was really sincere and I meant it so much…

I am here to admit all the mistakes I have done, I was hoping that you girls will try to accept and understand each other again.. im not pointing fingers here as I have done a lot myself to damage the friendship, just to fix my farking life.. it has taken a lot of me to do this.. and please understand that I am not trying to show my inocence here and making you all the bad guy, I am here to ask for forgiveness…. and I really really really hope that this time you guys will understand my intention for being sorry and forgiveness is all I ask...

again, I am sorry for everything… now I am almost at the stage where my life is stable and happy. I have accepted whatever your (and the rest) anger towards me… maybe this post will re-ignite the anger again, I really really duno what else to do to make it okay because I have given everything that I have in me to fix this and hopefully my heartfelt apology is heard..

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