Sunday, June 26, 2005

say hi to my new life

hey people...
it has been a while since my last post.....and i dun really have any direction of writing so im just gona go with the flow...

ive been here for almost 3 weeks now since my arrival from KL... and what i can really interprete of what's going on here is that.... life is gettin tougher and tougher each day... it's no more like looking at the moon with ur loved ones or stroll along the beach, hand in hand with ur loved ones...tho' u may feel that if ure really in it... it's just a figure of speech dear, so let's go on with the stories in my head...

when i was in KL, i learned to be independant, to do things alone.. to cry and let no one bothers you at night with the walls wrapping around you. i know it was tough back then, i mean you are alone and it's nothing wrong with that. sometimes i like to be alone but its just that, i never been like in that moment before. so alone and feel so small in the room, tho' the room is less than 10 feet square. well, fifa is just next door but i duno, i dun feel like disturbing others. im trained that way, not to disturb or invite yourself to ppl's house. :) so there i was. all alone and sometimes have to skip dinner. i thought i was going thinner but i wasnt *chuckle*, the percentage of my body fat maintain.

but when i came back, it was normal for few days...u know like you trying to catch up everything you have left and it seemed like fun...but when days went by, everything started to change gradually and reveal it's true colors. it's like i brought some nasty curse to this place, and it makes me suffer. well, its just a figure of speech, again.

I miss my friends. it's just that, for now, i cant go out and socialize like i used to be anymore. i have to think about my future. what am i gonna do next? just sit around at home doing nothing and wait for the money to come to you? no, only a toad do that. im not a toad, so i went on few alternatives. first, went and meet dr jualang regarding to his offer for me to continue my study on drug discovery under him, collaborating with IMR. Secondly, i went to promenade the other day and applied for job. well, now still waiting for their answer. if they reject me, there's always another alternatives. hmmm, i have to think far now. my friends cant believe what im doing right now. well, it's other ppl's life anyway. this is my life. all the hardships i have to go through alone, so im all by myself now. but dun worry dear reader, im not saying that im suffocating to death now. it's just that things had been hard for me these days. and i need to be strong and willing to sacrfice. and at this moment, i remember all my friends. all the favor they did to me. it's feels like my tears are falling when i remember them all, the good times we had. i never forget that....

i really hope that luck is on my side now. im praying so hard right now so God give me His blessings upon me. im gonna be strong. im gonna be a new person and im gonna sacrifice all the things that i have now to achieve something in life. i will not moan or whine or whimp, instead i will work harder for a better life in future. im gona do this my friend. say bye to all the memories in my head, all the usual stuff i do in my life, and now say hi to my new life. dun worry dear friends. im still gonna be me, the only difference is, im gonna be stronger and more independant.

dear all, i love you all always. never will i forget all the good things and good memories we had together. so the only thing im gonna say to you all is that "go far for your dreams and live life to the fullest"


Sunday, June 12, 2005

A story of a burger i love

I love my burger. The first time I tried it, I fell in love with it. I never had enough of its taste. If Im going out, I must find the burger because im too attached to it, I must have it. At least one bite and I’ll be happy? But how come the burger does not taste like the first time I tasted it? How come it becomes tasteless now when I am so attached to it? Where did my burger go? Please, I want the same burger that I had for the first time. Burger, please come back to me.

Well, the story sounded weird right? Who will go crazy about food like that? Ooops, made mistake. Almost everyone had gone crazy for food because we need food in our life. But what im trying to say here is that. Why when we start to enjoy having something especially when we had gone through a lot of hardships in getting it, and the moment when we have it in our hands, we have to say goodbye to it? Now, life is being unfair here!

These words keeps repeating in my head as if it deserved to be there…
And so I let it play in my head, let it stay there as long as it can be…..

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine.

you look so beautiful tonight
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I’m in your reach
You held me in your hands
But could you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces
And again the chorus keeps reversing in a circle without a sign of ceasing out…
hurts my ear…
Reaching my hands out from this so call suffocation….
Oh well, why do I even bother this *sarcasm*
It’s not like my life will end here….

Then, just go away…….
Don’t stay in my head...
Don’t come back, you useless memory!!
You do me no good….so go away!!!!

And that was a slight anger in me….. reminds me of some selfish people…. Who needs you when you benefit them….

Go away, you useless cow!!!!
Don’t help me with my memory…
I don’t need you here like you’re helping me coping with my problems
I better off alone, you useless cow!!!!
Don’t come back, you useless cow!!! If you are a girl, I would have given you a name -B**CH!!!!

So again… the song repeats its chorus until it shows no more anger in the voice…
The voice in my head is breaking off now… it’s like this light coming to your eyes… and you feel nothing…… then u give your last breathe and you meet the ONE…. And that’s how you cross the bridge which will lead you to another world…
And that’s when you have to say “Bye, I am on my way to Eden garden”

This on going story with unrelated issues being put together and gave you this huge regrets in your life….. why do I even care *sarcasm*

Well….let me go to my Father….He’ll know how to take care of me…. So I will be cleaned again, like a newborn baby, covered with a shiny white cloth….


Sounds scary? That’s only the imagination that I like to have :) pretending that you are suffocating, and the hormone goes up…. Making the brain active and forced it to work and produce a nice output, which will give effect to other’s life….

Trust me people, this is how those masterpieces were made by great people…
Their living, emotion and feelings, the tragedy and the miseries are what gave them the inspirations……

My idea is that, when you are feeling something…try to let it out into words… you will make a good piece out of it….

everyone can be a writer…make use of whatever you have at hands….
Good luck….

Monday, June 06, 2005

unexpected journey...

Listening to an inspirational music again, and the music was beautiful that it makes me wanna write something since everything in my head is just so wonderful, so full of words…even now as I type, the words, the memories I had, everything seemed to be flowing in my head like the river flows endlessly towards the end…

Well, what really goes in my head was actually all the things that had happened to me during my stay in KL. It was really something to talk about, I think I can even write a book about it. I have to admit that ive learned a lot so far, really a lot that I wanna thank God for bringing me here, to this strange city which I first hate it and curse it for giving me a hard time to adapt. As time goes, the experience kept on updating my space of memories. It’s true that you really need to look at the bright side to be happy. We shouldn’t wait for the good things to come by. Instead we are the one who seek for it and maybe none of us realize this that WE are actually the good thing here if we really want it coming. I do experience a lot of ups and downs and there are times that I really put all my burden to chris, thinking that it might help me little bit. But I realized that escape isn’t going to solve the miseries I had. I have to face it, go through it then I can say goodbyes to it. So okay, there I was again, taking my own time, cleaning my room, do my laundry, arranging my stuff in the room. As I am doing all the chores, my head is moving too. Thinking of the good things that happened to me lately and filtered out all those bad things to extract only the good things. To shorten it up, I was thinking at the bright side. I feel a big oxygen coming through my lung and cleanse out the dirt and that’s when feel alive again.

Okay, let me take one thing at a time. Firstly will be my practical in IMR. Well, I met new people of course and ive learned the working environment and it sure wasn’t the same as attending classes as well as the way you socialize in that community zone. It’s totally different from the way you fit yourself in campus life. It was so much different and I may say that I would prefer campus life much more but that’s what life is, to move on and learn new things in life. Maybe you have to let go the good things to grow up. As a non-malay girl from Sabah, I was thinking twice how am I gonna survive in malays environment, it’s like “are they going to accept me for who I am?” and it gave this big gap for me to reach them but that’s not what I found in IMR. There is not even a gap between us. For once here, Cik Laila, the best co-supervisor I ever had in IMR, not forgetting Cheah. Both of them were such an angel to me. They treated me well, sometimes they have to be strict when it comes to getting the jobs done but outside work, they are more like a friend. They like to kid around with us, making us feel like home. It was so much fun then. I would like to repeat that my supervisor, the big boss in my unit, is a superb…she’s a lady yet she has all the talents a man should have. She is smart, funny, friendly and she looks much younger than her age. Cik laila said maybe it is because of the way she is, she’s always happy around people, giving out smile is never a problem to her. Im glad to have met her, she is the best boss you can ever have. Even cik Laila would admit all the qualities she had as an employer. She even pay for your food if you go out with her and there is this time when we were invited to one of the staff’s wedding and few of us had to bring car. Believe it or not, my boss paid for their fuels and tolls as well. That is not only generous but it was something so unbelievable. I mean maybe most employers do that, but I guess in this case, she is worth the credits. My team mates, Pui Yee, Roshan, Ridzhan, and Zairi. We made a great team too although Roshan came joined our unit a bit later, but still we had so much fun. Everyday we had meals together and sometimes we do go out as a team. Ridzhan and Zairi, tho’ they are not as gentleman as other guy I knew but they are nice, helpful and yes they made my day wonderful. Well Zairi is a different story. He’s the quiet type but I guess he had to drop that ‘official title’ when I am around. Well for once there, I like to bug him and talk to him. He really put up with my attitude, you know, sometimes I can be quite annoying but he never showed that he is ungrateful to have known me. In fact, he played along. Only one thing I dislike about him is that he likes to burb… TO MY FACE!! And always I have to scold him for that and he will always laugh, not feeling sorry or ashamed of it. But oh well, that’s his trademark that I shall remember forever :) and ridzhan…I like to call him ‘boroi’ because he’s the one with a prosperous tummy, you know what I mean. He’s funny and he likes to bully us. But when it comes to helping, well, he is accountable and hardworking. Nothing much I wanna say about him, I usually hate him…hahahha, I mean, oh well… I dun hate him as u know, the real “HATE”… it was just an expression as to show how he is in the real life, ANNOYING!!!! Ahahha, that’s more like a suitable word for him, I really hope he would read this and I know he will laugh his HEAD OFF!!! Pui Yee, well, she is the one that always go with “yes, let’s bang him!” and she’s a good helper when it comes to ‘kenakan’ one person. Roshan would be the novel-reader hardcore. You’ll see her every week with different title of novels and when we have no lab work to do, she’ll spend all her free time reading her novels like a maniac. I always have to drag her out from her own world and join the fun. It’s always go like this :

ME: Roshan, snap out of it, let’s play something, you read when me and Pui Yee is out of here.

And you know how she reacted to that???? She will turn her head to me and smile and go back to the book again…. I tell ya, she is really a bookworm.

Ok that’s about work so far.

Let me tell you another story of my KL experience. And it would be about the friendship that i hv while i was in kl, and believe it or not, I have created my own empire here with different divisions. They are what I call my zones of friends...

2 b cont'd....

my dear besfriends....

my dear besfriends...., originally uploaded by fellie.

the assemblance of the pictures we took that day and these are among all my fav pics..met neena, mavis and ass that night to plan for Belle's bday... it's my first trial on this whatever art you should call.. but that Alex and Gloria are a biggie...

Friday, June 03, 2005

my passion sunday....

sunday, originally uploaded by fellie.

this is me, with prakash's wife, at starbux!!!!

i was practicing my fingers on barcodes... it was one of the best experience i ever had in my guitar life

Thursday, June 02, 2005

my passion... my guitar LiFe!!!

How does it feel when you are really getting yourself to it but you’re just not good enough for it, it’s like this huge thing that you’re missing and you suddenly don’t deserve the good thing that should be coming out from you… it’s like you worked really hard for it, and the only price that you get is… the pain. I should have warned you before, that this life can be so unfair sometimes… *these are getting somewhere, dude* sorry im gonna bore you again…but this is what I do.. write about my boring life, a fabrication of whatsoever you call it.

And if I tell you why I said this, you would be laughing your heart out right after I tell you the continuity of this little tale of mine…

Oh well, everyone knows I love playing guitar. I mean, c’mon, it’s my passion… and I wish I could be at least do something about it… oh gawd, ive met few dudes that are too good at it, it’s like when they play, they own the music, the whole thing. It’s a superb to have that feeling when you can just whack the music, and it turned out to be “wow, it’s beautiful!!” Why can’t I be like that kinda guy, who can wickedly play guitar like a madcap and still it gave off a very nice music to hear about….
Oh gawd, im off the wall now…ive got few “yeah, you’re good at it!” but oh well, that’s just the way people talking but I want to have something else…something I dun feel shy to show it off to people. Hey, im not talking craps now, big price here!!!! Oh well, I do play music for people, like during Sundays, for the children at church. And that’s the only thing im capable of? So what’s this talent for anyway? When Auntie Julia asked me to play guitar for caroling and in front of bunch of parents and kids, I went crazy and these saying went on an on again “no, im not good for it! I cant do it!”… it’s not because I don’t want to do it, it’s because I really can’t. I’m not good enough for it. I know im a coward, oh well. That suits the description of ME. It’s disappointing, really.

I just finished watching the Roswell, season 3 episode 8, and at the end of episode 8, Maria was singing with her guitar and oh God, she’s so good at it. I mean her voice. Eventhough it doesn’t sound like Mariah Carey or even Kelly Clarkson but everything is in place, with the tunes, the music and the vocal and the attitude. Oh, I pity myself at that very moment I was witnessing an unforgiving catastrophe of my guitar life!!!

I guess my life now has slightly changed when I met prakash, oh gawd, everyone, you should meet him. He’s very sweet, funny, nice, a gentlemen I would call. He taught me the secret of guitar and how to get it right. And im sure im improving myself now. He deserved all the credits from me…. He taught me all the barcodes and how to remember them all. Wow, it was just wow to have him in my guitar life…. Thank you God, you have been answering my prayer. God, you have no idea how happy I am with it. God bless me……………………………..

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