Monday, October 27, 2008

Edwin's waltz

Earlier this month, I went back to KK to attend my brother's wedding. It was one of the most beautiful wedding ceremony we ever had in Edwin's family. The first wedding was in 1992 or 1993, and I was one of the flower girls for my brother Cyprinus's wedding, then followed by Hermes's wedding, then the sister's, Lidwina and Rosie.

The sequence was more than 10 years ago.

Now it's the younger generation's turn to run the sequence.

Like every one else, I am very proud of my own family though crisis are inevitable at times. There are 14 siblings, not including the in laws, nephews and nieces. We are more than good to qualify for a football team (by number of course).

Absolutely we couldnt have done it until here if it was not for my dad who has been there supporting us since birth. Dad has been the one stressing out the importance of education and hardwork, though at that time, many of his friends stopped their children's education to help the family earn a living. My dad had a different mindset. He had to work for many jobs at one time to make sure money is sufficient for our education. Remember, my dad has 14 kids. One job salary was not good enough. He worked for 55 years (since he was about 10 years old). He pushed for his retirement at the age of 65. Even at that time, his employer wanted him to work for them for another 2 years (that's how my father was acknowledged by his community).

Now. Here we are. The Edwin kids. showing our gratitude for all the hardships dad has gone through in his whole life. A dance for our dearly beloved father. A dance which we have performed for Fred's wedding in 2007 and Jack's wedding this year.

So here.

I present to you.

The Edwin's version of Waltz.

Edwin's Waltz.


Friday, October 24, 2008

The end of my denial -An Agony Disclosed-

It started one evening before I left the kennel for my tuition session in EduYoung, I sent an sms to Herman (*name has been changed), dad’s health therapist.

Herman, can you honestly tell me how long does he (my dad) has?”

Of course, his reply was nothing like fairy tales. I refused to write (type) down the details here as disclosing it will be like agreeing to it. I believe in my prayers and I believe that many friends have been offering me their prayers.

It was a painful moment for me. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t say a word. Before leaving my room, rushing for my tuition, I sent SMSes to friends, asking them to offer their prayers for the completion of my project (labworks) so I can go home as soon as possible to spend as much time as I can with dad, especially when I still have the chance. To those who have been so kind for extending their prayers for me, I would like to forward my sincere gratitude for your care and concern. That would be the greatest birthday gift I ever had.

Speaking of birthday, my birthday was 4 days ago. I decided not to celebrate it as bday for me this time is just a bday. I am not going to crack my head to think, “what presents would I get this time?”, “How many bday wishes in my friendster comments would I get this time?” or “Who would give me a surprise bday party?”

Regardless, I had early birds sending me birthday wishes, and I thought it was already 20th October as I didn’t bother much about the dates, especially my birthday.

It’s not only the age that has taken away all the excitement, but the sacrifice that I would like to make for myself.

All this while, “birthdays” are one of the most important event to celebrate every year. But for the soreness that I have been feeling all this while, I can only feel bitterness and birthdays somehow are just an empty episode where you spend money or other people spend money on you.

Pardon me for the full-blown pessimism of this post. I just couldn’t care much about birthday as the only thing I really want at this very moment is prayers.

Those who actually intended to celebrate it with me, but was warned beforehand not to do anything, thanks for your sincere intention and your understanding. But not to disappoint my friends, I did try my very best to accommodate to some activities. I was very pleased that we did it as how i wanted it. No cake. No present. Except for a spontaneous birthday song from Emm with her 'main masuk' backup singer Jamie and Maria (Well, i can't just snap at her when she was singing right? :) Thanks Emm. That was really sweet.)

Why exactly I am not celebrating my birthday is because, if there is another “happiness” that I would get in this life, that would be my dad’s perfect health. I am willing to give away all the happiness I could get from birthdays to have my dad in a pink of health. This was my sacrifice and for the punishment for being denial all this while. It’s time to face the truth.

Dad is suffering.

As much as I wanted him to be with us, it was more painful to see him going through the sufferings of his illness.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Lie receives the award from Gnet

Sorry peeps. This has to come late since i was busy with my brother's wedding.



Thanks Gnet for the award.

”For the coolest blog I ever know” ?????

Wow, it’s a great honor to be acknowledged this way *flattered*

Alright, now I supposed it’s my turn to do my part..

.... those who decided to accept this award, they will follow the below steps:

1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded you.
3. Nominate 10 other blogs.
4. Add links to those blogs on yours.
5. Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs.

  1. Jep - Coolest writing. I like the way he put his feelings/stories into writings.
  2. Gnet – Coolest creativity. she has her own ways to attract the readers to keep visiting her blog.
  3. Emm – Coolest effort. She blogs a lot. She loves to write about every little thing. She’ll say “I wanna blog about this… I wanna blog about that!!” Somehow im too scared to be near her cos she might just blog about me!!
  4. Rubern – Coolest food. He loves food. And I love food. If u wanna try something new, try this food-based blog. Who knows you might get an idea for your first date.
  5. Maria – Coolest comics. She’s just too funny. Her blog explains a lot about her character.
  6. Prakash – Coolest photos. He blogs about the pictures he took. Love his piece of work.
  7. Lydia – Coolest lazy blogger. she seldom update her blog. Hopefully this award will push her to update more frequently.
  8. Lionel – Coolest drama. His blog is quite dramatic for me. It's cool and i like the drama..
  9. Nova – Coolest (Excellent!) spiritual inspiration. If you say my writing is meaningful. Try checking her blog. Her writings always make me ‘go back to the basic”. Beautiful writing.
  10. Che Det – Coolest political writings. An update and insight about Msian politics and the economy. The author himself is the coolest person i ever known.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

the apple green myvi

I have few stories to tell. So I am gonna do that all in one entry. So please bear with me.

First of all,
Today I finished by calibration report, hoping that Prof will accept my calibration so I can proceed on my recovery test (I hate labs…Kill me so I don’t have to do labwork anymore).

I have finished teaching my PMR student. The weird thing is, only today I get to make her understand the whole topic of science. You know why?

Time constraint!!

I only have time to point out the important details of the whole subject (about 35 chapters all of them). All this while ‘sayang my liur’ only, because the more details I gave her, the more confuse I get.

To those who intend to be a tutor in the future. My tips - don’t give too much details. Just the important ones. Once you make them understand the important points, it will be easier for them to accept the details.

Alright, let’s go to the story I have been wanting to tell since the beginning.

It’s about this green apple myvi.

Emm and Maria came back today. I joined them for an early dinner at Ameer Ali near the kennel before I rush myself to Semenyih. Jamie was busy talking with Maria and Priscilla (If I got her name correctly) and Emm was busy entertaining her calls (She received calls at least from 3 different person… my goodness, she’s a busy lady!).

So I was basically watching at everyone’s behavior while eating, interrupting anyone or jumping to any topics of conversation whenever I can, but of course every time I tried, I failed because Jamie was talking and she won’t stop until she finish her stories. And when she tells her stories, she deliver it with full energy and many kinds of expression. so of course no one including me can beat that.

Then suddenly, I saw this face. The face that I recognize.

The road bully!

I remembered his face.

Bald. Specky. Plum.
And he has this eyes that I really despise.
His face...
A face of a "Mr.Hyde", I would say.

Memory came back to me.

I looked at him with a great feeling of disgust.
I don’t know why, maybe you’ll understand after I finish this story.

Two days before Raya, I was driving from KL going back to the kennel. The road was empty, so I was enjoying the ride. I was at the traffic light after Kajang toll, waiting on red light. When it turned green, all cars were moving almost sluggishly. I was in the middle lane at that time, and the cars in front of me were taking too long to move. All the cars on my left (the first lane) almost cleared the traffic light, no cars behind so I decided to take the first lane. When I was half way turning my wheel, a green apple myvi was approaching with a very high speed, honking me from a great distance, maybe about 80 metres away, going uphill.

He was honking and honking, giving me an obvious signal for me to move away.

“Okay okay, I get it!!”

The cars in front of me started to move, so I managed to keep my lane. He was speeding but still managed to sneer at me when he shoved away beside me. I shook my head thinking what a crazy driver this guy is.

I thought that was just it.

Cars were going fast since we were in the fast lane. Within minutes all the cars including that myvi were behind.

To my surprise, the driver in the green apple myvi was still furious! He cut to my lane, purposely provoking me by ramming off his car really close behind me. He might as well knock me behind if I hit a sudden break.

So again, I moved to the first lane and let him speed away. He pushed his accelerator to the max to cut me, then after that he slowed down, purposely waited for me to cut. I have no idea what he was trying to do, so I drove past him. The moment we were side by side, his window was already down. He shouted at me, furiously, and gave me a middle finger. Not enough, he gave me another ‘hand’ language saying that he wants to punch me???!!!

I was like,

“WHAATTTT THEEEE…….??????????”

Still shaken up, I took my phone and dialed any number i could at that time. It was beyond the limit i could take.

And today. I saw him again.

With that look on his face. I feel an awful disgust.

I don’t want to see his face again.


Wednesday, October 08, 2008

the final frontier... Part I - The choices, and the problems (in case, there is a part II)

Pearl told me I was invited for another Alpha camp. I was very thrilled to find out about the news, yet at the same time I was full of questions.

“Why me, I got no talent at all?!!”

To know that maybe this is all God’s plan, I stopped asking. I went to bed with happy smiles, then…………..


“When was it again???” It’s going to be on the first weekend of December!!!

Belle is getting married on the same weekend!!!

Then I went like….. “to choose

Alpha or Belle……. Alpha or Belle……

Alpha or Belle….. Alpha or Bellle…….

Alpha or Belle……… Alpha or Belle……..

Alpha or Belle……….. Alpha or Belle………… Alpha or Belle….??????

I can’t decide!!! I want both!!!"

I'm gonna take a weekend. I’ll think it through, and hopefully by then, God give me the answer. I can’t choose because for me both are important in my life. One is for my spiritual growth, and the other is my best friend’s wedding.

If you’re in my shoes, tell me what would you do…

Should i choose this...

Or this...

To be continued...

p/s you have no choice but to wait, because i dunno the ending either...
(author is still very confused)

Sunday, October 05, 2008

YouthAlpha leadership training camp (26-28 Sept 2008; La Salle PJ)

Pardon me for the very long silence of my blog. I was just too busy relaxing at home that I refuse to do anything serious during the raya hols. So here I am, the last day of my raya hols. Feel so shitty cos I was hoping I have more days to rest n laze around at home but it’s time to go back to the real world.

First before i move on from my good break of raya, let me share with you my experience during the YouthAlpha leadership training camp which I attended a week ago with some of my good friends.

The camp left a big impact in my spiritual being. Like what everybody called themselves, I too, was a lost soul. Apparently, responsibilities had taken lots of my time that I was unable to reflect myself to what is the main purpose of life.

Before we bid our farewells and move on with our life, we had a testimonial session which allows the participants to share their experience with everybody during the course of event. Since I was too nervous to talk in front of the not-so-new-faces-anymore, hence, Im gonna do it here - instead.

First day after registering, I had a problem fitting in. Everybody was very chatty, very excited about the camp and very friendly with each other. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good thing but it kinda frighten me a lil’ bit. In a mission of preventing myself from the humiliation caused by my shyness, I pulled myself away from the crowd and settled at one corner pretending to be tired. Bryan came a moment later and sat near where I was seated. At last somebody to talk to!

Fellie: Bryan, I dunno how to fit in.

Bryan: Poor thing, I’ll sit next to u later k.

But then, that didn’t happen of course. Bryan was in charge of the multimedia so he has his special place to sit. Karen was the emcee. Pearl had to take the stage for the icebreaking session. Christine seemed to have found her group. Jerry and Greg were the guitarists. I had no choice but to pretend to be cool about it and took a seat next to Roshelle. Obviously, he doesn’t know anyone since he was sitting alone. So I thought maybe this could be a starting point for me to eliminate the shyness that overpower me since the beginning.

Fellie: This seat taken?

Roshell: oh no. You can sit here.

Fellie: What’s your name and where ru from?

Roshelle: Im Roshelle and Im from Seremban.

Fellie: You came here alone?

Roshelle: yeah.

Fellie: (Trying to act cool konon) Roshelle, can you help me with these papers. You just fold it this way. I’ll do one plate and you do the other. We need these for the icebreaking games.

Roshelle: oh sure.

Well that turned out well.

It got better after we got to our groups. That was the first time I met Justin, Audrey and Elena’s sister, Andrea. I guess I can skip introducing Bryan since everybody knows him. I like my group – they are funny, crazy, open-minded and we got along very well. I felt a sense of comfort in an instant, what more can I say, Justin was our leader.

Christine was my roommate and she let me choose my bed. The first night, we both slept on my bed since the aircond was too cold. We were too smart not to increase the temperature.

Fortunately for me, things were normal after the first day as I was able to tone down my shyness and open my mouth to talk. We had barbeque the second night and everyone seems to be sitting everywhere. either alone or in their own groups, not really mixing with everyone else. So Pearl, Bryan and I decide dto bring the song “Apa guna” to get everybody sit together and sing with us. It was fun since almost everybody took part in throwing the "bombs" to each other with the song. Pearl and I continued playing the music until my fingers got tired. Erick was kind enough to take over my part though he was actually not feeling well at that time.

Regardless, the ultimate highlight was the second night (before the barbeque session) during the the ministry session where we were taught to minister prayers. I was very nervous of course since I never lead prayers or perform a pray over to anyone. Damian prepared us by guiding us to pray for the holy spirit. With all my heart and soul, I prayed so earnestly so holy spirit will take over in my prayers. Alas, when I was hooked in my prayers I dozed off. Instantly, guilt took over my concentration and I felt very much disturbed after that. I couldn’t utter any words of prayers when I performed a pray over for Caroline and that disappoint me a lot though I could hear Caroline was trembling in tears. I couldn’t understand the whole thing and I kept my disappointments all through the session and told Pearl about it after the session ended. She assured me that it was alright, and it could be a good thing. I was thinking about it the whole night and kept my frustration to my sleep. I didn’t really have the mood to join my friends after the barbeque dinner and wanted to be alone trying to understand the whole thing. Basically I was very very disappointed. Sorry Pearl, i wasnt with you the last night of the camp, apart from oversleeping on the phone, i wanted to be alone actually.

I kinda got my answer the next day when Damian gave his talk about prayers. Caroline answered my question. when i openly asked during the session. She claimed that dozing off happened sometimes when we pray but it’s not a bad thing after all, in fact the person who dozed off was actually experiencing a complete surrender to God. However, on the way back home I got a contradicting answer from Greg whereby he thought it was otherwise. He told me my body was just tired, that I dozed off in my prayers. Of course that wasn’t helping at all so I’m back to square one.

I still dont get it and the answers that i got from people seemed to confuse me more so I stopped asking. I know one day, I will get my answer.

Looking forward to attend camps like this one. It was so much fun experiencing God's love and getting to know yourself spiritually.

Thanks Pearl for making me go. It was the right move.

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