The end of my denial -An Agony Disclosed-

It started one evening before I left the kennel for my tuition session in EduYoung, I sent an sms to Herman (*name has been changed), dad’s health therapist.

“Herman, can you honestly tell me how long does he (my dad) has?”

Of course, his reply was nothing like fairy tales. I refused to write (type) down the details here as disclosing it will be like agreeing to it. I believe in my prayers and I believe that many friends have been offering me their prayers.

It was a painful moment for me. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t say a word. Before leaving my room, rushing for my tuition, I sent SMSes to friends, asking them to offer their prayers for the completion of my project (labworks) so I can go home as soon as possible to spend as much time as I can with dad, especially when I still have the chance. To those who have been so kind for extending their prayers for me, I would like to forward my sincere gratitude for your care and concern. That would be the greatest birthday gift I ever had.

Speaking of birthday, my birthday was 4 days ago. I decided not to celebrate it as bday for me this time is just a bday. I am not going to crack my head to think, “what presents would I get this time?”, “How many bday wishes in my friendster comments would I get this time?” or “Who would give me a surprise bday party?”

Regardless, I had early birds sending me birthday wishes, and I thought it was already 20th October as I didn’t bother much about the dates, especially my birthday.

It’s not only the age that has taken away all the excitement, but the sacrifice that I would like to make for myself.

All this while, “birthdays” are one of the most important event to celebrate every year. But for the soreness that I have been feeling all this while, I can only feel bitterness and birthdays somehow are just an empty episode where you spend money or other people spend money on you.

Pardon me for the full-blown pessimism of this post. I just couldn’t care much about birthday as the only thing I really want at this very moment is prayers.

Those who actually intended to celebrate it with me, but was warned beforehand not to do anything, thanks for your sincere intention and your understanding. But not to disappoint my friends, I did try my very best to accommodate to some activities. I was very pleased that we did it as how i wanted it. No cake. No present. Except for a spontaneous birthday song from Emm with her 'main masuk' backup singer Jamie and Maria (Well, i can't just snap at her when she was singing right? :) Thanks Emm. That was really sweet.)

Why exactly I am not celebrating my birthday is because, if there is another “happiness” that I would get in this life, that would be my dad’s perfect health. I am willing to give away all the happiness I could get from birthdays to have my dad in a pink of health. This was my sacrifice and for the punishment for being denial all this while. It’s time to face the truth.

Dad is suffering.

As much as I wanted him to be with us, it was more painful to see him going through the sufferings of his illness.