Thursday, November 29, 2007

I am no superman anymore, I realized I have lost my power..

I guess I have to always remind myself to move on and stop thinking why things happened. My name seems to be fading away in people’s mind and somehow I think people seem to forget that I ever existed in this life. Years of connection do not seem so important anymore, and those ugly things materialized in those agony stage of existence in the past are still a highlight. I know no matter how much I try to remove those misery, the reminiscence of the past still remain at its own memory box and I am still the odd one out.

Here I am again in my own hiding place, ignoring everyone and everything that bothers me. The truth is, I feel so alone at this time that it scares me. I have been very temperimental lately and isolation appeared to be the best medicine, not knowing that I am hurting myself and the people around me. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. It’s just so hard to make everyone proud of me, look at me like I am the hero. I am no hero and I know that sounds very sad but it’s true.

I always tell myself to give me something to myself to hold on, to hope for so I will keep on going. I hope one day, I understand the things that happened to me now and then. The serious loneliness that consumed my whole energy and the drive to keep on fighting underscored my perfect being now. Again, sad but true.

I just miss being the old me, happy and carefree, loved by everyone. All the flash memories of me being the champ of my own zone is just a history to me now. I have to let it go and accept the fact that things have changed, they changed for a reason.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Love always


Dear "the hopes in my life",

Dreams are somehow making me realize that they are just a vision of fantasy that can only be aspired but in reality, they may not exist. I have a lot of hopes in life and sometimes I am not sure whether they make us feel safe or otherwise.

You are slowly resolving your puzzle of life and all the pieces are coming together for you. I am very happy that your roads are clear to travel on and you are now ready to step on to another facet of life. You deserved all the blessings for all the sacrifices you have made for the people you loved the most. We have been through a lot together, in good and bad times. It was not easy for us to go through all stages to come to where we stand now. I am just glad we managed to go through it without affecting our feelings for each other. Yet I still know that, it may not be easier for both of us until the day we utter our vows for each other considering the dispute we have to face but I guess our relationship is stronger than the challenges we have to hold against.

I may not know what will happen next, it is all God’s willing though I never believed in fate sometimes because I know that future is what we make and God will always provide us choices to decide on. I sincerely love you, and I know I have expressed that enough. Your love always remind me to be humble and to be patient. I just can’t stop falling in love with you and just by thinking of you makes me feel so peaceful inside.

Sometimes i found myself all teary because i just can't put it into words how grateful I am for having you. You have stood by me when the storms stroke in, and you have been there even sometimes with your tears to make sure I am always safe and happy. It is true that your love make me a better person and every tears fell onto your cheek for me will be returned with unconditional love and blessings.

Someday, you will see the amount of love i have for you. I can even sacrifice everything just to be by your side because being with you is all that matter in my life. I am not being stupid but my happiness lies in you and you are right i will make the biggest mistake for not fighting for this relationship, and so I will.

Each day I pray for your happiness, success and also good health, for all the things that you have done has made a difference in my life. Baby, don't be afraid of the future because whatever happened, I will always be here for you.

Thank you for making my life worthy and meaningful.

I love you baby and you will always be in my heart... now and for eternity.

Love always,

BabyLie.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

My 3 Years Old BLog....


look at the time my friend... i started my blog 3 years ago, about the same time like now... only few days late... what can i say.. I love to write and maybe one day i can write a book based on each of the posts...

I hope you've enjoyed every bit of my writing as i was enjoying it as much. I am sorry if I have been too blunt in my writing which causes some resentment, dissatisfaction, hurtful feelings... Well, i bet i did not mean it that way as I was just letting my heart out and i know some of it was too cruel, too sharp, too blunt, and almost not human (he!he!he!)...

Keep on coming to my blog, i'll feed you with more stories in the future...

My Two Best GirlFriends...

~ Fellie, Neena & Belle ~

It was great catching up with Belle again with couple of beers. Reminds me of the good old days. Remind me of how old I am getting actually. If it was five or six years back, I know it will be just Macdonald's or KFC. I guess now it’s BEER era, no wonder everyone is getting beer belly at this age.

Anyways, we were at Monte’s, BSC (Bangsar Shopping Center) and had dinner. Belle was dissapointed with her choice and I was okay with everything because it was so nice to meet Belle again. We talked a while about neena’s letter before Mr.C came to join us. We had some fun laughing last night and when it’s time to pay the bill, he just gave me that look that says “no, I got it.” Aiseh, Mr.C tunjuk macho

But then I said to him “no, let me pay my part” Then he smiled and said to me”I like you so I want to buy you dinner.” I know he must be a great guy despite the first unpleasant meeting but I guess neena was right, I am prone to liking anyone, especially those who I think is nice and deserve some good treatment in return. Whatever it is, I hope he can make Belle happy despite the gap between them, but I guess it’s not a big deal after all. I hope neena sees all that. Not only the age or he being not so good-looking but the way he makes Belle happy. That’s what matter I guess.

Speaking of all this, I am imagining three of us growing old together at the same neighborhood like that in desperate housewives, only we’re not that desperate enough. It might sound boring but I know it will create a lot of meaningful memories for us, good memories most of it I know. According to Belle, Neena did imagined all that and of course as stupid as it is, me and belle laughed at the thought of that too. But it would be certainly nice to have each other around at good and bad times. Speaking of that, I hope Neena is doing great in Kuching. Belle is worried sick and me, as usual being the bad friend I have always been, It’s not surprising that I always forget to call her no matter how important this friendship is to me. But what I like about these people is, no matter how guilty I can be at times, all they gonna say is “Come on Lie, how old do you think we are? 7 years old? Don’t worry… and stop saying that you are a badddd friend. You're not, we love you as who u are.” Awwwwwwwwwwww. A good friend indeed. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

Monday, October 22, 2007

My GETTING-OLDER-DAY!!!

Happy birthday to Me!
Happy birthday to Me!
Happy birthday dear Me! Me!
Happy birthday to Me!!


"Happy 25th Birthday Fellie
With all our love."

I am a year older now... i know 25 is just a number but the responsibilities we have to carry as we grow older are becoming more heavier each time our number increases.


The moment everybody celebrated me. Awwwwwww

My birthday this year was nothing like i expected, it was one of the biggest surprise i had in my entire years of living in this world. It was after all a night to remember, not only for me but everyone who attended.

I was all teary to see the faces i recognize, especially those whom i long to meet. Even though not all my friends were there, but it was already enough to make me feel so much appreciated by these people. I was all speechless for the first one hour because i was overwhelmed with all the gestures given to me that night. It was indeed my special day, where everyone treated me so importantly. yes, it was indeed a night to remember.

Those attended were:,

1) My family...
2) Extended family
3) Cousins and relatives
4) Family friends
5) Friends (Andy, Joanna, Eechi, Vero and her friends, Ray, Ivan and his friends, Cindy, and Jim's best friend, Alvin the one with the 'alleycats' hair)
6) Some guests i met for the first time

I received a lot of special gifts for my birthday, but the most precious gift they have given me that night was their presence. It means a lot to me. I dun think anyone actually know how utterly happy i was that night.


The friends that came



I agreed to be 25!!! SIGH!


Me and my gorgeous sisters

Thursday, October 11, 2007

A friend once forgotten...

I was browsing through the pictures I have in my keeping. Some were taken a year ago, and some even as old as 5 years… phew, I have been living for almost 25 years.. haha. It was a good refreshment of the good old days. I miss those days. Looking at those pictures, I think my friend was right. I had some meat around my body that time compare to the present size. Well guys, I guess u can see it better than I do because as far as I can only see myself now, I look the same, only older and less innocent (hah!)

…..And something hit me when I saw a friend’s picture, an old friend from UMS who I thought was a good friend. Yes, he was indeed a good friend but I guess he was at the wrong position at that time, to betray me. Sigh.

But I guess, it was not right to punish him either.

I regret whatever happened between me and him, and if I am able to turn back time, I wish i can be more understanding and forgiving.

I know it’s useless to regret it now or to just say it as though nothing can be done to fix it. What I’m saying is, I am going to fix it before it’s too late. It was too suprising that he dissapeared without a trace and no one ever know where he is until few weeks ago (after getting in touch with so many people to find him), T told me he is now residing in Singapore. No matter where he is now, we (me and T) together are going to look for him and apologize for everything that happened in the past, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it was.

I wish it is never too late to say sorry, Eugene…….

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Serenity

Sometimes I wonder why I am still lingering around at the same stage when I can upgrade myself to the stage I would like to call “ultimate autonomous”, or in other words, a freedom to decide my own life.

The problem has been prolonged for quite a very long time but now I know my time is not here yet and I have no choice but to give up to the famous saying, “patience is a virtue”.

I need to be patient to get what i want in the future. Speaking of being patient, I am going back to Sabah, not because i want it, but she wants it and like usual, i have to comply because the word 'no' is apparently never in her dictionary. I have like 10 days to 'savor' the beauty of pain and anything can happen in 10 days. I am, of course, worried. He has 10 days to attack me verbally.

Let's leave the whole family crisis story to this dot, I need to relax myself from thinking the worst-case scenario that could happen in that 10 days.

3 days ago, I was invited for a family function, at first I thought it was just a normal get-together visit but it was way too different from what I have expected. I met the whole family, when I say whole family, that includes the extended members of the family – His relatives.

It was at first very disappointing as the ladies judged me by hitting me with the cruelest inferiority I ever had, but I was lucky that it didn’t happened to my face, at the very least. I know when they say be patient, this is one of the many unpleasant situations I have to have patience for. Serenity is all I need at that moment. Nevertheless, what more important is, he was there to make me strong and I am just glad he was always by my side at times of need.

Marriage I know is not all about love. Everybody is talking about marriage as if it’s like going out for a date with the most gorgeous creature on earth, or like choosing chocolate or strawberry cake for your birthday (and you can have both if you like). No, it’s not just about that. It is a DECISION. A decision to spend the rest of your life with someone you chose to be with. Fate has nothing to do with it because you’re the one who’s making the FATE really happen. You may call yourself the fate-maker or whatever you like, but it’s the future we make and not even the ‘feng-shui’ believer can ensure how our future will be like. They can just predict what’s gonna happen but they can’t make it happen, unless you want it. We create the future. Some may have different perspective, and this is simply mine.

Whatever junks or truth they say about marriage, I know marriage is never easy. But whatever it is, if I am going to get married and spend the rest of my life with someone, I want it to be with him, for better or worse and I wouldn’t want it the other way around. Of all people I have met, been with, had a crush on or whatever you call ‘like’ or ‘love’, this is the first time I am so sure about someone, so earnestly. It is the first time I am bowing down, which is against my nature, to something so pure and natural – which is falling in love over and over again. Not trying to be mushy here but just the thing that I would like to admit, and this is what my blog is all about people.

And because of the decision I have made, I have to wait until the right time comes and do what I am supposed to do.


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Breeze of night

It’s 1.00 in the morning, and what I like about staying up till this late is because of the breeze of the night. It is soooo cooling, so relaxing and I feel so peaceful inside. Oh well, sometimes the night gets very warm and humid and you feel like cursing but then again, there was a bit of downpour about half an hour ago and the weather makes me feel like cuddling my pillows to sleep.

I don’t really like to write when I don’t have anything to write about, but I just feel like writing so here I am.

I can feel some emptiness inside, not to forget the hidden hatred I can’t seem to get rid of. I am a person who will always whine, but I don’t usually call myself a hater since I don’t like to keep anything bad for anything or anyone. Again, that’s me. Usually I call the situation I am having now as “going back to basic” again, where I like to be alone. Maybe I should blame the hormone and speaking of that I know my time is near.

I feel so guilty for not calling my dad on his birthday, I was so busy with my own life, making myself and everyone else around me happy that I forgot one of the most important people in my life ON HIS BIRTHDAY!!! “

“…Pa, siou tu ou aku nokosirou di birthday nu…”(Dad, sorry I forgot about your birthday)

Looking at the clock ticking on the wall, I really need to hibernate now since it’s gonna be another early day for me tomorrow.

“Lord, forgive me for all the wrong doings I have done to hurt You lately. I have been selfish, ignorant and disgraceful to You. Renew me Oh Lord, so I may find my path again to serve You Oh Lord…”

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Prayer to NURIN JAZMIN....


I would like to say a little prayer for Nurin Jazmin who was brutally tortured and murdered by the worst animal we can ever imagine.

I didn’t really follow the whole story, but it was so tragic that it became a prominent issue to the country. Now, we know how insecure the lives of the little ones, and I hope this will be a big turning point to the people of Malaysia (especially the government) to really look at the problems they have been neglecting for quite a while. I am just glad that the government have realized what they should do to protect the next generation of our country. They are important to us and we have to make sure they stay alive or else who will be the next leader after our generation?

I can’t forget the face of that poor girl, people told me she was crying upon dying. She must have been suffering a lot, imagine the innocent 8-year old girl who doesn’t know anything about the cruelty of the world? Do you still think we are practically safe now? There are a lot I can suggest to improve the securities of this country. Most of all, government should let the nation voice out their oppinion, if people are banned from voicing out, how can we improve the service for the nation and for the people who creates this country? It is better to prevent than to heal.

I might not know exactly how Nurin and other victim’s family feel for their lost but I know it must have been extremely hard for them. It is important that the government start letting the nation voice out their opinion openly and improve from the core. Don’t discriminate others who are capable of improving, in fact let us all together handle this problem despite the differences between us all. It is time to civilise those who are yet to be civilized. Come on, people! Let us carry on the peace we have in our country. Don’t let these animals take away our pride of being a malaysian.


To Nurin's family, I am sincerely feeling sorry for your lost and I believed that despite being tortured before dying, she is already sitting beside our Heavenly Father. She did not die wastefully, in fact your lost has opened the eyes of the nation and awaken all the people who has been sleeping and brought us all together into the reality and things that really matter. Dear friends and those who are reading this, let us offer Nurin and her family a little prayer.


"....Dear Almigthy Father, bless us all not for our sins but for the love You have given to us unconditionally. Bless those people who has been suffering and who had just lost their precious ones. May they relied only to You and not the worldly burden they have to bear. Strengthen those who have lost their faith in You, may they find peace in You again. Bless all souls who have left us from this world, may their soul will peacefully rest in the place You have prepared for them... I asked this Lord in the name of Christ Himself, Amen..."


Dear parents of Nurin, we felt your lost and may your beloved daughter is now resting in peace.

The IMPERFECT me!!



Things had been going perfectly normal for me. Like usual, I am trying my best to improve my performance as a master student, and even though how much I tried to come up to the standard, I know nothing will be enough to value the qualities I have.

The thing is, it was not the fault of others that I am feeling down like this and I know it happened a lot of times that sometimes people just figured that I am just being me. Yes, in fact, I am being me. But the key problem is – I let people put my guard down, I let them get the best of me, I let them insult me, look down on me, I let them treat me like I am the most insensitive person in the world that they can just shoot me with their sharp words. I let them talk sarcastically to me, I let them JUDGE me, even my good friends do that to me!!! That’s how pathetic I can be (Sigh!).

People can just tell me what to do, and disrespect me like how my sister and her husband treat me sometimes. I assumed that they just forgot that I have feelings though they have actually violated my sincerity and kindness. I feel so dishonored sometimes. I have been trying everything possible to give my best and sometimes I just dunno where I am going anymore - is it for other people or for myself. But like what I have been pointing since the beginning, there’s no expectation I have for the people around me, and the same I hope they will not put any high expectations on me because when you set a standard, I don’t think I can be the best person you want me to be. Like what people has been saying, I am just being me. There – they just said that!

But as far as I am concern, even though sometime I can be very unreliable in keeping the routine goes on, I am very honest and sincere in what I am giving. I hope I can be appreciated even as imperfect as I am. I am not so perfect, making mistakes are what I do best. But I am always trying to be the best I can be, I think I’ve said that already.

So dear friends and those who knows me, I know i am far from being perfect. But i hope you can accept me for what I am because if you can't accept the way i have been and the way i will be, I am afraid I might not making the A-list of the people you will consider as a true friend because I just can’t do more than what I am capable of. But what i have given is nothing but my sincerity and my care. As much as i want things to work out, it is He who gives and only He who can give.

Thank you for your time.

Friday, September 07, 2007

How different can we be??

Reality does carry its own weight!

We can run but we can never hide from the truth. People voiced out their oppinions without realizing its impact to the other person. Whether we like it or not, it’s their perspective and we can’t deny that they actually point out the truth about life. Yes, reality hurts!

I was in denial because I thought love will endure. The truth is, they do happened no matter how much we tried to disprove the fact that we will lose our integrity when differences are indiscreetly amplified. I hate to think about it, I hate to highlight the differences. Sometimes I was wondering why God implanted differences in every creatures He made – because the diversity will make this place a better place to be? I cried in silence why God has made all of us different from each other. So we can start appreciating the uniqueness of His creation but did He ever know that differences sometimes can make people hate each other and start killing?

When differences exist, people start immersing themselves into individuality. They start highlighting how good they are, how exceptional their little group is. That is bullshit! Seriously!

So what if there is such thing as mix marriages? I know it can be very much challenging but there must be one successful marriage out of hundreds of mix marriages right? Even if the possibilities are vague but there is always a chance that you can stand out despite all those failures they been talking about, right? Right??
I still hope, love endures everything.

I sincerely love T, and even if how much people try to highlight our differences and warned us about all the things that could happen in the future, i sincerely hope that somehow it's the differences that make us love each other more than anything else because i believe that we both can make this place a better place to be. I am not blinded by love, love alone could not withstand the flow against it but faith and dreams that we both have for each other and the future ahead.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Bringing life to God's presence

Life is like a long winding road with crossroads at every corner. I used to think that life is easy that you should just buckle up your seat belt and drive. But life doesn’t really work that way. You need some good song to clear the awkward silence and sometimes a good companion that can make you laugh along the road.

Okay, let say we have some good collection of Cds to switch each and everytime we finish listening to one, and yes we have good companions that can entertain us at the same time. But what if we missed the junction which we supposed to take to go the the right destination? Yes, we can take the U-turn and come back to the point before the junction. But life is way tricky than that. Even when you make a U-turn, you end up heading to a different direction. So what can we do?

We always assumed there will be solutions to every crisis. We think we know what we are doing and where we are going. But how if, we are lost, and tired, and thirsty and alone, all at the same time? How do you feel when anxiety took all your confidence away? How can we go on? Get a map? (You are allowed to laugh)

Yes, go back to the basic, to where you come from and start all over again. This time you know which turning you should take and which you shouldn’t.

On the other hand, if you know where you are going, because you got a GPS system installed in your car. You got nothing to worry about because you know where you’re heading to and you will get to your destination on time. Okay, that’s the good part of it. But do you know you are missing something despite saving all your energy and time?

The map, because we don’t need it. When you have a GPS system in your car, why the fuss of having a map? (SNORT!!) You don’t need a map.

But one thing we didn’t know about the map. The map is God Himself manifesting his teaching in a bible. When we are lost, we used the map to direct us to the right point. Likewise, when you are spiritually lost, we can refer to the bible and learn God’s way.

GPS system is the modernization of the world today. You can see dependable high technologes everywhere and human energy is now pretty much not needed. Even at home, with the technology at hand, we can save more time and energy.

I have my bible with me, but it was kept neatly beside my bed covered with dust. That’s enough to explain how lost I am, not on the road but in my life as a whole because im relying so much on technology at hand without realizing the map is simply the only thing I need when nothing else is reliable anymore.

I know I am lost. I realize I am longing for God’s presence in my life.





Free Music

Free Music



Free Music


Monday, August 20, 2007

We are "Malaysians"!!

I was going through the malay news when I saw the article about Namewee, the guy who insulted the national anthem by calling it "negarakuku". I told my housemate about it and she found him in youtube. As a music lover, the music he made was quite impressive – his voice and the rappings. But after reading the translation in english, I was like “this guy is really calling for trouble”. Obviously, it was very provoking although the rhythm is quite entertaining but that is the National Anthem for God sake, he used his talent in a wrong way.

I am not against him or even the malays or any other races. Honestly speaking, I do have some dissatisfactions about the malays, the chinese, the indians, and even my own race. I don’t think it’s the races that make all of us like what some think we are – it is the PEOPLE!!!! And totally not their RACES!!!!

I do have malay, indian and chinese friends who are really hardwoking and who are not! I don’t see any differences between all of us because all races are equally the same. The only different thing is that “how they were brought up since young. If this Namewee guy has the guts to make a public statement in that song, don’t you think it must have been triggered when he was growing up? We start learning about life from our parents. We imitate the way they view life as a whole. Most of my friends who did well in their life came from a very decent family, a family who knows what respect means, who knows and understand differences and who knows what’s good and bad.

We often heard people say “Orang melayu pemalas, penjenayah!!“Orang cina kedekut, kasar, penipu besar, dan suka merendah-rendahkan orang lain!”, “Orang India kejam, pemabuk, berbadan busuk, dan mulut manis!”

But come to think of it, how will these contribute to the unity of all races for the continuation of peace and harmony in our country?



Yes, I know the government can be unfair and ridiculous sometimes, and some people are as what they said they are, but why make ourselves the victim? Why do we trigger the sensitive issues about races? Other countries are killing each other because of the difference in religions and races, I don’t think any of us would want to see the chaos.

Let's think about our next generation. Let's build them not by differences but knowledge, acceptance and respect.


If there are 100 people like this guy, I don’t know how long our ‘peace and harmony’ will last. I don't know if i can even go to "Masjid India", "Brickfields", "Shah Alam", "Petaling Street", "Cheras", and come out alive.

For an instance, look at the people and the culture in Sabah, no matter how different you are, ‘aramai tii’ is still “aramai tii”.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

weirdo?

I was with my sister yesterday, helping her carrying all the bags filled with all the things she just bought. I feel like a porter following her around with all the bags in my two small hands. I was really exhausted and my head thumping mercilessly. There was no time to rest that day but still I have no idea why I am willing to be bounced like a ball and go wherever I was asked to. Maybe I thought that was better than getting hurt by her sharp words.

One time, my sister went to the SK II booth to buy the beauty products she needs and as she was complaining about her dry skin to that promoter, that girl just made my day when she responded to my sis “Is it hot in your country?” I feel like, “Yea, malaysia is hot!” but I know that she must have thought we are not from malaysia. So my sister was playing along until she gave up and says, “We are from Sabah.”

We get that almost everytime we go shopping or going places. People thought we are not local, maybe because we can’t speak the malay slang in peninsular that we prefer to communicate in english and my sister always speak as though she is from Australia or something. Me and Jim always look at each other with a sneer when she do that. But yea, it feels weird having people stare at you trying to figure out where you come from. It happened a lot of times that it feels like we are being alienated.

Some thought we are from the Phillipines or Indonesia. Some figured we are Pan Asian, and some even thought we are Japanese????!!!!!!!!!!! I know it’s ridiculous but we do get that and it’s tiring! My sister told me once that my dad’s grandmother or maybe his mother has mix-blood but there’s no proof of that since my dad became an orphan when he was 5 years old, and grew up with his only sister till she died when he was 11.

There was also one time when I was flying back to KL, I gave a prank to a lady sitting next to me. I told her my grandmother is an australian, and her answer was just as expected, she said “yea, I can see that.” It was damn hilarious.

I guess, I might as well play along next time and see the look on their face. It’s funny and I know I will enjoy every minute of it.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

another gloomy weather

I was in the lab today and again my body is still weak. But there are things to be done today. I was supposed to have GC training with the science officer but the machine wasn't in a good state since there's a leaking somewhere. We have no choice but to postpone the training, again!!!! So I did some small work on media preparation and sterilisation before i start running my sample again. The day was gloomy, so was I. I got no energy and no mood to join my other lab mates on their hot topic of the day.

While I was busy doing some work in the other lab, my lab mates went for lunch. Of course like usual they go without me. But I know I shouldn’t get mad just because I was not informed about the lunch since they know I don’t like the food served in the cafĂ© and moreover I brought some lunch with me.

While waiting for the autoclave, I walked down to my car because I left my food there. I was so hungry that I ended up eating my lunch in the car. Alone but it doesn’t matter to me because I am used to it. I remember when I first came here, having lunch and dinner alone was practically usual and somehow I enjoyed the silence. Some people think it’s weird but for me it’s weirder to have someone clinging onto you at all times.

T is leaving for Penang soon and of course that is not a good news. But at the same time, I am happy that he’s leaving for his career and I know it means a lot to him.

Jim just got a key for my easy access to my sister’s place in Taman Desa. The security guard was already informed of my presence at any time of the week. I am still thinking whether to move out to my sister’s place or stay in the current place. I'll have to wait till i finish my list of 'staying' or 'not staying'.

A sad story i could only tell

My little niece told me once about this story and it made me cry when she uttered word by word telling me how unfair the people around her can be. There are times I am in the position. It is so difficult to be nice to everyone. How much kindness you have to give to someone? Until it gets to your nerve or until it made u cry?

Aren is Beeny’s friend. Beeny loves to eat burger. One day, Aren was hungry, and there was only Beeny’s burger left. Beeny was not really hungry, as much as Beeny loves the burger which Beeny wished to keep for dinner, Beeny offered Aren her burger. Aren was happy and gave Beeny the sweetest smile she can give. In fact, Beeny doesn’t mind at all. Beeny is just glad that Aren is happy.

One day, Beeny is sick so Beeny couldn’t go anywhere. Aren wanted to eat again but she has no money at the moment. She wanted to borrow Beeny’s money, but Beeny needs the money to buy her medicine which in the end she did buy the medicine with the money she has. Aren did not know that Beeny needs the money for medicine nor she wanted to know Beeny's reason, so she was really furious because Beeny did not help her. Aren was moody the whole day. Her father asked what went wrong and did Beeny hurt her? Her response made it obvious to her father that it’s Beeny’s fault.

Beeny heard the story and was very upset. How could Aren be so cruel to her. Beeny wanted to get angry and feel like telling Aren off but Beeny just couldn’t because Aren is her friend. Aren always get what she wanted and if she does not get it, she’ll start putting face and cry. What could Beeny do, she’s so tiny in the situation. So she kept silent and waited for Aren to say something so Beeny could explain herself. But then again, it’s best to let it go, and that is why Beeny like to be alone.

Some people doesn’t understand the hardship we have to go through and somehow it’s not fair to expect them to understand, I know. But why do we need to scratch ourselves to make the people around you happy? So that they will always think you’re such a nice and sweet person because you are willing to go all they way for them??????

Why did I go so far away from my family? Because I couldn’t stand the pressure and the expectations.

Sometimes it is so frustrating to be a daughter, a sister, a student and a friend. You have to do what they WANT you to do.

I think I mentioned a lot of times, I hate expectations but it keeps on coming to me. I had enough of people telling me what they want me to do for them. Yea, maybe that’s why I like to be alone. I survived being alone so I don’t really mind if I have to do it again and again.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Life that i loved!!



for many weeks, a lot of things changed gradually without seeing it coming. My brother has got married to his fiancee of a year which also suits him perfectly and the day the wedding took place, everyone just can't believed he is married. He has been single for long and we've met few of his flames in the past, some were approved by family and some were not but i think everything is already planned from the start. He is destined to be with her, only time matters. I was stunned when i found out he spent around rm40K for the whole ceremony. WOW!! getting married is not cheap, if u decide not to elope or 'kahwin kampung'. Well, what can he do. everyone in the family wanted it big. lucky some contributed or else he'll be damn broke.

The wedding is just 'wow', i must say it's the wedding of the year! everything was organized perfectly and the holes are filled just right. Everyone anticipated for the moment and all of us enjoyed every bit of it. Say no more, it was a day to remember and i love it to the max...

Then again, there was the Rainforest World Music Fest 2007 which was held in Damai Cultural Village, Sarawak. Before going, i was thinking if i should just go or cancel the plan, but my friends are expecting me and i just can't seem to dissappoint them. But now if you ask me, i would tell you it was never a regret paying a visit to my dear friends in sarawak and at the same time party with them despite spending over a K during my visit (which also include the ticket). It was fun and never will i forget those moments i spent with them.

There are more to tally here but telling it all in one go isn't fun, right? i'll leave some space for you to figure out what will come next in my post. hahaha.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

untitled issues

I notice my post is getting shorter with time, im not sure if I’m losing the passion to write or am I getting older? I’m not saying old people don’t write, in fact they usually make a good writing. I am just not sure where this is going anymore. I’m not sure if I should stop writing.

I’m thinking, should I write about the world or the current issues to make my page very interesting for the viewers? But it’s not something inspirational for me. I don’t know what to say about the world, yea of course the world is getting smaller and full with corruption but my writing won’t make any difference, right?

Speaking of the current issues, last Saturday I met our former prime minister, Tun Dr Sri Mahathir in BORDERS bookstore in Time Square, KL (OF ALL PLACES!). Yea, you heard about him going against Pak Lah some time ago. I don’t know what really happened in the end but I should have the answer when I read the book “Mahathir Vs Abdullah” which is actually residing on my table right now (just waiting for time to be flipped with fascination). People, we should be proud of him. He’s definitely a public figure and influencial to our nation. If I was wearing a decent clothing at that time (well, it was just a simple black top without sleeve, nothing very revealing, but still I wish i am wearing something enough to cover my puncture wound and my orion star), I would have been there like a little girl asking him for an autograph or a picture with him. Sure you’ll be jealous of me, rightttt???? Yeaaaa, I know whatever it is, there’s no picture or even an autograph of the great leader.

Speaking of meeting people, I met Yanus too. You know the bald guy in ‘So You Think You can dance’ TV show. No, not the dancer in the show, I am talking about the guy with the cap who give comments everytime the dancers finished delivering their pair performance. YES, that guy! Hmmm, I understand only those who watch the show is at the frequency I’m at right now. Never mind. Comes to it, I gotta let go the keyboard now, the programme is showing now and I can’t miss the show for the world. Till then!

P/s hmm, quite a long post. Let the post speaks for itself then.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

A bad phase

Today i feel so poor and unproductive, feel so tired of everything. My PC is not working, and my laptop just collapsed when i need it the most.. Though i practically have 2 laptops and a pc, but none of it seems to be working at this critical moment. (SIGH!).. That's the physical part of it... Let's go to my health condition. I am having tonsilitis and it's damn painful, sore throat seems to be so happy to torture me and there goes my mouth ulcer. What's wrong with everything today? Everything is going haywire and making me go crazy today.

Everyone is having relationships downturn including me, i guess tharmaindra is having his mood swings today because of the whole project thing (and of course i am not in a position to make things easy for him).... i guess i need to revise my horoscope for the month (yea rite! as if it's very useful and reliable at this time)

poor me!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

why was I not pampered?

Was with my family for almost a week, as much as I try to avoid them, it’s weird that it feels much better than I thought. I need to feel belong at times. I know I don’t really have a perfect family that I can rely on at times of need. But one thing happened that make me realize why my family seemed to ignore what I need. It came out from one of my cousin (through marriage cousin), we were talking about how we should be responsible with our own future and how we should develop ourselves, and he said to me “well, things seems easy for you though”

“why u say that?”

“well, I can tell the person you are the minute I saw you. You seem to like to do things on your own, you don’t like to get everybody involve with your life, and if u unintentionally get people involved, you get worried, scared and feel insecure after then. And, you get mad with yourself”

Is that true? Is it because I am too independent and immersed myself too much in my own wonderland that sometimes my family doesn’t pamper me like how they pamper my younger sibs? or was he being sarcastic and judging me rashly? Hmm, well if that is true then, yea it explains a lot.

expectations

Was talking to a friend one time and I simply said (but of course I mean it though!) “We shouldn’t expect anything from people, and people shouldn’t expect a lot from us.” And this friend of mine replied, “why not?” I was quite surprise with the answer.

For me, I’ll say “why ‘why not’ ”? I mean, we as human being arent as perfect as we hope to be. I get a lot of expectations from my family, my friends, my collegues, my supervisor etc. Being a typical human being, I know I am not perfect and I can’t do anything to make everyone satisfied. Seriously speaking, I am tired to feed everyone’s needs, maybe that’s why I like to be alone and do my own things. Maybe that’s why I’ll try not to owe anything from anyone. And maybe that’s why I like to get away, to have a peace of mind. I know nobody can understand the way things worked for me, and yea, likewise, I shouldn’t expect them to understand me either.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

"You raised me up"

Listening to Josh Groban makes me feel grateful of everything I have and I don’t have.

Josh Groban – You raised me up (an absolute thumbs-up)

The song carries a subjective meaning yet utterly meaningful to those who really listen. Some people say it’s a love song. Yes, it sure is. However, it’s not only for the lovebirds, I’ve heard this song at the church or during Praise & Worship. Everytime I listen to this song, my father’s image appeared in my memory lane and one particular event in my life.

There was once in UMS before I step into the exam hall, I was going through my notes for the last time before I saw something that sent me to tears. Josh groban was on the radio at the right timing as to welcome the incident which happened just next to my ride. It’s the father and his daughter on a motorbike. What I can recall is that, this father was sending his daughter for her exam. The father reached for her stuff at the front compartment and handed to her daughter before she bowed to kiss her father’s hand as to say thank you or goodbye.

Enough said, my friends. The love of a father – is something so wonderful and pure.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

My remedy

Last night was the second night I had a very good sleep, maybe I occupied myself too much on the outdoor activities, which is very good indeed!! There was one night I was unable to sleep until 6 a.m and I was really worried if im getting insomnia. So I tried to turn my biological clock to a normal mode. -Sleep early and wake up at the right time-. Today was exceptional, the morning breeze made me so lazy to get up and i have to drag myself from the bed and start a day with a cup of coffee. Oh, was it coffee that I didn’t get to sleep at night?

I have to admit that I like to be alone, in fact my 'alone' time help me to think wiser. Sometimes I like to be discreet and just immerse myself with the things in my head. Not that im crazy about my problems, its just that, I feel peaceful being alone by treating myself with reading, sleeps, coffee and sometimes a can of beer, maybe. Hehe, don’t worry nothing like that 'Virginia tragedy' will happen, I am a good kid with a very strong faith in my religion.

When I am alone, I feel very close to God and that’s when I am able to think and get things straight. It helps me to decide anything there is to decide because I know that sometimes I tend to rush into things and ended up having another probs. So I need to relax and do things wisely. It’s not just the problems that I like to be alone, I gotta blame the gene. However, I came to realize one thing, I like to be alone too much at times that it makes it too weird, to other people.

As much as I like to be alone, I know I need to socialise more. I don’t know if I have been selfish or abandoning my friend for isolating myself too much, but what I can only explain is that being alone for a period of time is a remedy to a Happy Fellie. I love my friends, that is why I want to be happy when I am really there.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

100% says they should be given a raise.. how about the performance?

Friday 3.30p.m

Kak, boleh tak tolong sahkan dokumen-dokumen ini?”

OK, tunggu sebentar..”

3.31pm

3.35 pm….

3.40pm …

Er, Kak, dokumen tadi tu dah sahkan ke?”

hmm, tunggu sebentar ye?”

3.41pm…

3.44pm..

3.51 pm…

“Er, Kak –”

“Dek, boleh tak datang isnin petang?”

“Isnin petang? Kenapa kak?”

“Semua pegawai kitorang sibuk la.”

Tak boleh ke buat sekarang sebab dokumen tu urgent sikit kak.”

“Tak dapat la, sebab semua orang sibuk”

Takpe la, kak. Saya sahkan sendiri.”




Well, everything needs time to settle something - I guess even to certify few documents which only requires less than 5 minutes, and now the government servants are asking for a raise? Hah, ridiculous!

(Now i know why some counters has a *divider behind it)


*something like a wall, used to cover anything behind it

Thursday, May 03, 2007

a Dusun Village girl

It was stupid of me for thinking I got the calling. Well, don’t blame me, I was too stressed to weigh it up. So I called mom to get it clear of what was happening to me that night. Pity my mom I made her worried sick that she asked me to come home but I don’t see a point of going back when dad’s home can’t be a home to me anymore, well someone else reserved a different place for me, a big and luxurious golden cage that I bet no one will give a second thought of taking the offer, except for me and my sibs. Not that I was too psyched about it but that was the only choice I have to keep the family in harmony.

My bro was terminated, thanks to the ‘generous’ millionaire. But looking at the bright side, we are ready for a fight-back. Hopefully after then, happiness will be on our side. *sigh* God bless my family.

I am four months behind my work, God, I feel so nervous. So much for finishing this year huh. But I really really hope NSF will help me in getting a car. I needed it, so badly. Remind me – I need to save more and spend less.

I have to pen off now (I mean type off, in other words). I have to attend this gathering dinner at Ivan’s place. Speaking of that, all the lovely sabahans are going back to Sabah for good, it’s really sad, afraid that I will lose my Dusun-touch when they’re gone.

Well, I am always proud to be a Dusun village girl, and that’s what I am, for the bad and the good.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Give it to me baby!!! ah ha!! ah ha!!

It was announced that NSF should be in by now, but I know UKM will always be the last to get everything done.. but while I was crossing my finger, I went online to check my account and only to know that my balance is still the same.

Well, hopefully nothing will come against my blessing. I really need the money to settle lotsa things. Well, I know I’m not really alone in this, few more students are also waiting… so guys, keep your finger crossed ya… I knw it will come soon, but let’s hope it’ll come sooner… haha…

Anyways, I've taken my mom's 'harta pusaka' from my cousin (Thank God, they are in good condition or else my sister will kill me) and my white Channel bag which was given by my sister (But the white sparkling color has gone and it loooked so dirty and ugly, and the edge of the zip was already torn, i ges my cousin wacked it so well and didn't bother to see the damage she's done to the bag. SIGH!)

But I met Jim. Yes, Tharmain was right, i really miss him and it was nice seeing him healthy and all smiley. Well he gotta keep on going though nothing comes easy in this world. speaking of this, hmmm... i better put this post to a dot. till then ppl..

Sunday, April 15, 2007

"I-AM-NOT-EVEN-CLOSE-TO-BEAUTIFUL"

Hmm, sounds like someone I know…. (MEEEEEE!!!)

Hah! Some people can even proclaim themselves beautiful, I feel like ‘wow, at least they have the confidence/guts to even say it, though it can be a ‘rolling-eyes” for everyone sometimes.”

Me -on the other hand- do have inferiorities that sometimes I wish I am reborn again to become the perfect ME.

"Lie, you have things other people don’t have..” Hmm okay, like what things (?!!)

Sometimes we try to figure out, what are the special things we have that makes people say “Hey, you’re special!” … yea, special enough to pay for your coffee… haha (chuckled)

I wish I have the confidence to do or say anything, urghhh… I guess that’s the main thing I am lacking for now.. I can’t really dance (not that I can’t really move my bon-bon, it’s just that I don’t have to the confidence to “hey I know what the next step is, you can follow me”), I can’t sing alone in front of people. I can’t lead prayers, I can’t perform my so-so talent in guitar, I can’t really speak up for everyone unless I was provoked, and I let people ‘bully’ me sometimes. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME NOW?

Yea, I need some magic portion to boost my confidence. Anyone with the perfect remedy, call me at “Nahhh, you know my number..”

(This post is meant to be a joke, but yeah, everything I wrote about me is nothing but the truth)

Thursday, April 12, 2007

The Saturday Trauma

It was about 1.45pm in the afternoon on easter week, and the sun was shining so brightly that I should say it was a beautiful day for everyone.

It happened when me and my hsemate was walking on this alley which is next to my block. I was on the phone when I wasn’t supposed to and my friend was walking just few feets ahead of me. I was unaware of the surroundings and was happily speaking when something hit my neck and the next thing I know, a guy on a motorbike was trying to snatch my phone. I remember we were struggling for a moment before he finally let go of my phone. The best thing was, he gave me this cynical smile until he's nowhere to be seen when I was really in shock.

Of course the attack was my very first time.

I was shaken for awhile unable to express any word.

I was okay few hours after that, but then it left me a big scar and I was in fear for few days.

Few friends called me and asked what happened and Tharmaindra's mom called me right after she found out about it, which is very sweet indeed. I am fine now, thanks to those who showed me their concern. I really appreciate that.

I refused to tell my family because of two reasons.
1. My parents will be worried sick. I know my mom, she can cry for few days in a row and my dad is not well, this news will affect his health and that is the last thing I am gonna do.
2. Oh, probably the rest of the family won’t feel bothered, which is something I don’t want to know. It’s hurting to know that they don’t even give a damn about me and my safety. For once, when my sister found out my youngest brother (who is already 19 or 20 yrs old) was renting a room where all the immigrants are staying, she was in tears though she knew that I was in the position once, and not even a tear came out from her eyes for me.

Well, I am A BIG girl and INDEPENDENT,

yea right!!!

Hey, it’s the story of my life…

Friday, March 23, 2007

My poor-3 digit FAN, and The rainbow-themed MASQUERADE BALL

It has been awhile my friend.
Hmmm,
where should I start then?

Oh, my roommate just broke my fan last night, my sense of tolerance for her at that moment was really tested. Oh well, lucky I can still use my fan to sleep even though it might fall to the ground anytime. My God, the fan cost me 3 digit of RM!! The only thing that slipped from my mouth was “Did u turn my fan with full strength?” Seeing her face, just like that “pussy in boots” in Shrek, soften me a bit. I turned away, called Tharmaindra and insisted “Please, you really gotta make me laugh tonight, at least make me smile.”

Telling her off won’t solve any problem, my hsemate cooled me down by saying, “Well, maybe it’s meant to happen.” Yea, maybe. I shouldn’t focus more on my anger.

I was tired by the time I came back from 2-hrs drive from Bangi to Damansara and back to my place, sending Jim. Damansara is way too far, eventhough using the LDP highway is the right choice. Oh well, maybe because I was only driving on 80-100 km/hr. Well, the traffic is a bit heavy even though no massive jam, plus the rain makes it harder for me to drive. So I am a good and responsible driver after all! HEHE…




I’m going for a Masquerade Ball tonight. I’m done decorating my mask (Not that it's hard to, Emily helped me, LOL!), my dress has just arrived from KK yesterday; I have heels to go with that dress and mask. Yep, Im ready for a Masquerade Ball. Till then my friend!!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

A weekend with Belle

It was a great weekend having to spend a quality time with an old friend, a treasured one of course. Being with her is like turning my life back to how it was back in KML.

The plans are planned and hopefully I won't be the one spoiling everything due to the downturn of my economy. The Thailand get-away trip and the Rainforest Music Fest in Kuching are well-planned but my confirmation on the Thailand trip is still pending.

Looking at how Belle has nurtured her essence of living and how tough her life is being the eldest one in her family, but still managed to fulfill all the responsibilities with strong endurance and full integrity, I can say that she’s really my idol. I wish I am as strong as she is. Dang, I am a spoil brat…

Sunday, March 04, 2007

My language of 'FRIENDSHIP'

We are, each of us, angels with one wing...
and we can only fly by embracing one another.


Looking at this picture, I hope it explains how much I treasure the time I had with the friends around me. When this picture was taken, these group of happy people was playing cards until 3.30am in the morning, yet their eyes were not willing to retire because of the fun and the bond surrounds them that night. But then it was too late for all of us, and Jaff concluded the night with his lost on the ‘Monkey’ game (Laughing out Loud).

Obviously, I’m still awake at this moment, trying to sum up the story of the day. What happen if we have no friends around us? Can we survive?

Each and everyone of us has a different definition of ‘friendship’. For me, friendship is the ‘family’ God has given us, the gift we can hardly find wrapped with sincerity and love.

Let me reflect myself on this.

I grew up in the environment where friends should be placed second or third, or fourth or maybe the last since my family truly believed that 'blood is thicker than water'; but what i do not know is, how i actually learn about ‘sincerity’ and sharing love when i started to accept openly to the thing called ‘friendship’.

I was taught and trained to be responsible and independant ever since i was 13 years old. Growing up under the restrictions made by the elder siblings in the family, I only started learning about what ‘friendship’ really means when I entered matriculation in 2001. That was the first time I experienced the world of ‘having friends’ around me without someone telling me to ‘go home’. That is why i can never forget all those memories i had back in KML.

I guess it was hard to understand how i actually treasure the friends I have around me. Well, ‘treasure’ is not the correct word, it’s more like loving them and let them love u back. That’s how friendship actually works, I think.

Someone said to me once, “it’s better to have friends who remember than to have friends who are always reminded to remember.”

I guess there are times, we can’t really be there for each other and it’s hard to prove our friends how much we care for them. But what i can say here is, expectations are actually the real criminal to a broken friendship, nevertheless, sincerity, acceptance and love are the noble gifts you can ever give to a friend.

All those friends I have, I know i may not be the best for you but what i can tell you is... those moments we had together are meant to be treasured forever, and Im always glad you’ve crossed my path.

“There exist companions disposed to break one another to pieces,
but there exists a friend sticking closer than a brother”

- Proverbs 18:24

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Blame it on the weatherman

Things are going up and down for the past few weeks for me. A lot of things happened that made me what I am today. I remember about 3 weeks ago, I am done with MK and it was a success. Everyone enjoyed every bits of it, despite the missing emcee’s script at the peak of the event. I was not sure what happened after they found out the script was lost. It was a crazy night, and fun!! T came to see me dance and it was sure a great surprise knowing that he patiently waited for me till everything's over. Thanks dear.

After that hectic week with all the dancings and stuff, there was another matter to settle with – the NSF. Well, looking at it in a positive angle, at least I am 70% getting the money which I need the most to survive. Unfortunately (like usual!), I was having problems finding 2 guarantors and a witness for my contract. Worse still, I lost my original copy of my birth cert. Lucky my dad saved the day at the very last minute. Well, I couldn’t have done it and submitted it to MOSTI if it was not T and his family who came to my rescue when I need it the most, a big thank you to all of you who have contributed. Though it’s probably useless to say it here but I hope they can hear my sincerity eventhough it’s coming unheard. After all, it was God’s blessings that everything was done perfectly in the end. I wish this money will come sooner so I can settle some other matter right away.

Today, I gotta blame it on the weatherman. Everyone was not having a good mood to go through the day. For once, the humid is ridiculous. I feel sticky all day long and tired. After my class, headache started attacking me right away and I had to lie down on my bed for few hours hoping that this devil pinching my brain endlessly will go away soon after my eyes are ready to open. But when Emily woke me up for dinner, the devil seems to be so excited in making me suffer. Well, being a devil myself not letting another devil to dominate my head, I have to take the painkillers to chase them away.

Well, everyone has their ups and downs. Sometimes you need to stay and sometimes you have to leave. We can’t expect everyone to understand our situation and how we handle things. All we can do is, do our best when we can. It’s good if the people around you can accept that but if some of them can’t deal with it, then it’s ok to let go. I remember this saying “You can’t have everything you want.” I think it’s true, dontcha think?

Neena, Belle, I miss you girls….. Sorry for not being there when u need me,Belle. To Neena, sorry for always thinking your birthday is on the 24th when obviously it was on the 19th of Feb.

The rest of you, let’s have a good life and let’s enjoy life while we can.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Life's a cycle.....

hmm, it's been a while since ive posted something here, pardon me for i've been really busy for the past few weeks with the labworks, dancing practice for Malam Kebudayaan organized by a christian group in UKM, namely PERKEB, and CSS (Christian Student Society) activities which i am recently active in.

Let me cut the fuss of telling my little tally to you by uploading few pictures i have in my camera, which was recently taken.

CSS breakfast sales for Coffee Morning


The Bfast crew for the coffee morning (21.07.06)


Memorable picture at the chruch's hall of Holy Family, Kajang



Exxon Mobil Mock Cheque Presentation at UiTM, Shah Alam

From left:
Mr. Hareesh Pillai (GM of EMPMI, Exxon Mobil),
Prof. Dr. Salmijah (Deputy Dean of FST, UKM a.k.a 'my supervisor'), myself with the wrong outfit to wear (ouch!)



Practice for Upcoming Event (Malam Kebudayaan)

Dancing Practice for the upcoming event (Malam Kebudayaan 2007') organized by the Christian group from UKM, namely PERKEB



"Im Shifting to our new HOUSE!!!!"

The House-shifting troop (More details on this later)


so that was the recent updates, and i will keep you posted.





*signing out*

Saturday, January 13, 2007

New blog title





I am going to change the title of my blog to "Lie's Heart Out" which i think is the best name to portray the content of my blog.

But do not worry, the add to my blog will stay the same.... and there will be no further changes except for a 'time-to-time' template refreshment. (blink*blink)

Friday, January 12, 2007

The road not Taken


Two Roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry i could not travel both
and be one traveler, long i stood
and looked down one as far as i could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no step trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

I learned about this poem from a Christian fellowship I attended today, which i have been reluctant to join ages ago. I guess God's love made me realized how much i long to worship Him. I was greatly tormented by the eagerness of praising God and worshiping Him endlessly - to feed the needs of my soul. My waiting ended with a rewarding conclusion. How glad i was to receive Daniel's SMS giving me the details of today's fellowship, better still, he offered me a lift. Well, the details are too long to mention. Let's go back to the poem highlighted.

If you see the sketch i have done, though it was not properly drafted but i hope it gives you a rough image of what this poem is all about.

The diverged roads are the path some of us may face in this life. There is an easy path, nonetheless, there is always the harder ones (The bushy road represents the harder path, while the clear road represents what the author illustrated as "grassy and better claim").

Why is this poem so meaningful to me?

Apparently, I have crossed and traveled so many roads. While the easy road has yet to give me any changes into my being, the harder paths that i have gone through in life has in fact scraped a lot of my inner side. But do i regret all the harder roads i have once taken? No. The harder path taught me to climb, to swim, to jump, and to run. It gave me a reason to cry when my skins were torn by the devious thorny leaves, when my legs were too tired to walk, when my wounds bleed endlessly, when the hills were too high to climb. Will I ever reach there? While everyone is taking a few minutes run to the finishing line, I am taking my whole day to wipe my sweats and to find a way to reach to the end.

Do i regret taking the harder road? Do i curse myself for choosing the wrong path?

The road less traveled by, is the road i am willing to choose because there is no greater thing than to learn and explore the wilderness of life and to escape from the sweetness virgin of life; To taste the blood, to taste the roughness of the water, to taste the bitterness of the thorns, and to sweep myself away to the black woods and become a warrior of my own.

Whatever path you may have chosen, there is always a way out. I believe in chances and i believe in making my dreams a reality.

I hope my sharing gives you something to hold on in your life. Hopes and faith come together, then the love will slowly emerge itself away - and one day, you will know how meaningful are all the choices you have made. Hope you will see meaning in this poem, and guide you to where you want to be.


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Why worry? Just live your life with happy tears...


Most of the people around me are too scared of the future and what more the reality they have to face.

What say you if someone knock on your door and says,

God, I am too scared to go home, what if my husband is there with another lady?”

My goodness, stop being so paranoid. An hour ago, I saw your husband cleaning the backyard before he left for a jog with my husband!

There will be a time when our life is in a critical point, and of course, we always exaggerated how big it was (Haha, sounds like me though!). Well, I do have a lot of drama in my life, and I can’t deny those times when I cry almost every night like a baby as if I was crying for milk. Life is unfairly difficult, none can deny that. Everyone has their own hardships, just maybe the problem we had was harder or less tricky. I have to admit there are times when I say,

Why can’t I have family like hers? Why can’t my life be so easy like his?”

But, I don’t think I will be the ‘Fellie’ that you know now if I am not where I am now. Whatever it is, life is not to waste, but to savour every moment we have.

These few months, I learn a lot about forgiving others, opening up to the world outside, believing the most important thing in our life and having faith in whatever I do. I believe that God has His plan for us, and we should worry less of the things we are having or about to have.
Dear Heavenly Father, remind me that those days when I was crying and hurting, You were there to feed my emptiness and fill my life with faith and hope.

Remind me that this life is not for me to honor my prideful existence, but for me to treasure how beautiful is Your creation and to
realize how great is Your love to humankind.

Help me to serve the needies and help me to love those who feels unlove, help me to touch others with my love which You have given to me.


and I believe that praying is the most powerful thing we can do....

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Xmas n NY hols 2006-2007

I know i should have updated my blog every now and then, but the connection nowadays are so dissapointing and plus, i am always tired. Anyways, here are the updates ive been wanting to share...

The holiday was fun but im not sure how to describe it since i had a drama (again!!) before i came back to Bangi. Well, i guess it was good in a way that i am not feeling homesick after having a really long holiday.

One good thing about Christmas is, it brings all the good memories you had with everyone around you, and those you have not seen for a very long time. You tend to miss your family, relatives and friends. You began to wonder what they have been up to for the whole one year.

Christmas 2006 was different. I guess it was all God's work that i had a very bad week before i came back to KK. Because of His greatest love for me, He wants me to realize what matter the most to me - all along it was Him that i really need to fullfill every of my needs. It was Him that i should rely on when the path is blurry and when the sun stop shining in my days. I felt His love and I long for His presence in my life.

A meaningful phrase that i will never forget in my entire life "Seek God first and all other graces will be given unto you"

These are the graces i have been receiving during the trials of my time.

20th December.... a lot of friends came to see me... Thanks to all...


24th December 2006
me, cousin, sisters, and nieces
(Maegan, Bibi, Sanchiya, Kane, Me, Sarina, Louisa)


29th December 2006
SMP reunion at Pizza Ria, Damai



New Year Bash at home
(Aaron, Cindy, Adrian Katam, Joanna, Virgil, Myself)

There are a lot more pictures like i mentioned earlier, connection are very bad... :) the stories will come in time....

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