Friday, July 25, 2008

Hanging by a thread

I don’t know what to feel anymore. Yesterday, dad has to go through a procedure which involves putting a very fragile tube into his system as to give him more appetite to eat. It was a risky procedure that if the tube breaks during the operation, he has to go for a surgery.

Mom was crying because dad has to be anesthetized. Mom was nervous about the whole thing that she called me to get Fr.Valentine on the line to request for a special prayer for dad. As much as I was crying inside at that time, I can only tell mom that she has to be strong for dad, and that God will never fail us.

Later that night, I received a call from my eldest sister asking me when will I be back. I can’t give an answer. With all the things hanging around my neck, how can I decide? My sister told that after the tube insertion, dad looked very weak and he was complaining of constant headaches. She advised me that I should come back as soon as possible. As much as I hate her pessimism, I can’t deny that the days are numbered.

What am I supposed to feel? I can’t be transparent because I still want to LIVE.
I feel so unguarded, feel so weak. Feel like I am hanging by a thread, full of weeds.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The worst event in my life

Things are getting more tensed now. Doctors and family had an intense discussion about the case yesterday. I haven’t been informed yet about their decision but what I heard from one of the family member, which she also heard from them, was that, Dad will not go for the surgery because he might get a stroke during the operation. What they are going to do is put a tube inside his intestine to give him more appetite to eat, and so yes to give energy.

What then? How about the cancer? They are not going to do anything about it?” The thing is, nothing could be done.

Doctor gave us a duration – That was the WORST PART!!!

It’s too hurtful that I can’t even write the number here. Let alone thinking about it. Doctor added it's either the cancer or his heart which will take him away. The only thing I can do now is – to finish all my work here, as fast as I can and go back to spend the most time with dad.

If you read some of the stories in my blog, you'll see that dad is the most important thing in my life. For all the things that I did in my life, is to make my dad proud of me. I worked my arse off, to prove to dad that I have done my best and to have him smile back at me. THATS ALL.

Blood is thicker than water


Metaphorical of life - Love of a father and daughter

My "Between-reality-and-absurdity" LiFe

killing heart

"You raised me up"

My dad knows his kids love him dearly and want him cured so he told us that he can go for the operation, that he can take it. But if dad knows that the 'growth' in his colon is actually a cancer, he'll just cry out "It's better that I die than to trouble all of you."

My dad, though he was not highly educated, but he is the strongest, honest and the most sincere person I ever met. Look at me now, what i have become, all the good things i have are all blessings from God for the good things my dad has done all through his life.

Some say, education is important to make someone wiser and highly respected. In the case of my dad, it was not the education but it's his heart. And now his heart is going to take him away. How unfair is that?

Dad is everything. Without him, how can i go on?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Regret is just a word, suffering is the real deal..

I have uttered something tremendously awful, that I myself can’t forgive for what I have done. It’s like I was wishing for it to happen. I didn’t mean it to be that way but anger took over my conscience and harsh words filtered out mercilessly. Now, because of my very selfish behavior and arrogance, somebody dear to me has to take the punishment.

I wish I could take it back. I just wish I was calmer with my words but now it’s too late to regret. The only thing I can do is to hope for miracles and hoping that God would forgive me for the things I have said which now I utterly regret.

Dear friends, words can be really strong even though sometimes it was just a joke or something you use to prove the righteousness of something else. Do not swear on anybody’s name. You may feel at the top of the world after you said it, but God is too powerful and He knows how to make you regret for the bad things you have done.

I have learned my lesson. I have learned my lesson. Now, I hope this torture will end at a full stop. The tests are enough to torture my very soul. I just wish i could turn back the time and be more wiser.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Hoping for a miracle..

It was not easy accepting when someone in your family is having Stage 3 Colon Cancer, especially when that person is your father.

I went back to KK right after my colloquium, thinking that it would be fun catching up with old friends and go for Jaff&Fifah's important event, and yes I managed to get my insurance policy done. I was at the edge of informing all my friends that I’m back and would like to meet up, when mom told me dad is having a black stool for over a week and the night before we brought him to his doctor, he didn’t have a good sleep because he was complaining a diarrhea.

I have no knowledge of the implication of having black stool but I know it was not something good. I called Jack, my bro and told him that he has to take dad to Dr.Raj. I managed to persuade dad to go to his doctor to have him checked. I thought it was just the food my father ate. Clear enough, it was a very bad sign and he has to be admitted to QEH asap.

Fyi, Dad is a heart patient since early 2000 and was hospitalized for more than a month when doctors found out he’s a Stage 3 heart patient in 2005. IJN (Institut Jantung Negara) couldn’t do much for him as the success of operation or bypass gave him a slim chance to survive. He was given an anticoagulant medication called Warfarin to prevent blood cloating. Dad was taking that medication since then.

It was good for my dad until recently the specialist found out that he is sensitive to Warfarin and the medication has to stop, which means there will be a risk of getting stroke. But that was not all, when dad went for endoscopy test the next day after he was hospitalized, they found something unusual in his colon. Second endoscopy test involved taking a sample or what they called biopsy to confirm the case. Dad went for CT-scan and a lot of tests were done and finally, it was confirmed that dad is suffering from – Stage 3 Colon Cancer.

I couldn’t breathe after sister Lid told me the news, and at that very moment I was having a presentation meeting with my research group where my supervisor Prof.Salmijah and Dr.Talib were also there. I tried to keep myself cool, maybe I was having a bad hearing since I was in a meeting when I was told about the news through the phone. It was already 10.30 P.M. I told my labmate, it’s already too late for me and I am too tired to stay for another 2 presenter, so I went back and called everybody to get a clear information and yes my hearing was good!!

The option is to go for surgery but we are not sure if that is the best option since dad is a heart patient and the risks are there to consider. Other options would be chemo and radiation therapy and I have little information about that.

Anyone with information about this cancer, I really need it. I’ve done some reading about it, and the only thing I can do now is to hope for a miracle.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Rusty is dead!!

LIE's Heart OuT: Rusty is sick!!

After my bestfriend, It was Rusty. He died 3 days ago after he was attacked by distemper virus. I should have been quick enough to rescue him but I have a lot of things at hand and a lot of things that need my attention. I was really furious with the maid at Taman Desa. I did not ask much from her. The only thing that i want her to do was to let me place him in a cleaner and comfy place for him just for a week or two until the workers are finished building the fish pond outside, or if it was hard enough for her, at least give me time until i get him vaccinated. She refused everything rudely and called me a liar. Poor Rusty.

The picture that Masran showed on the day he died was unbearable. At first I couldnt recognized him, I thought it was a MONKEY he showed me!!! It was RUSTY!!!! He looked very very skinny that i thought it was a monkey!!

As much as i tried to respect an older person, doesnt matter if she is a housemaid or if i have the upper hand, i can't tolerate with this. Rusty is dead, and I can't help it but to put all the blame on her. If she had listened to my suggestion, Rusty will still be here.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Fellie is homeless...

For many days, I was homeless. That’s even worse than having no money to survive. I have moved most of my stuff to my new lodging yet i still have to crash at friend’s place. My temporary store was my car. I had to bring my laptop, books, toiletries and my clothes around. Poor Arnold, Joel, and Bibi who had to accommodate and put up with me.

Bibi is willing to have me stay over at her place for few nights, and during the day I will be in my lab doing my work ‘or’ hanging around just to kill time. There was a time, I was really exhausted and sleepy. I had to sleep in my lab until it’s time to go for my tuition class. Usually, if there is no work to do in the lab, I will be the first one to go home. My senior saw me squeezing myself on the chair and asked,

“Fellie, why don’t you go home and rest?”

“That’s the thing, I wish I have a home now.”

I feel so poor and pathetic. Other times, I will be at Arnold’s place to finish up my answer sheet for my student. Arnold has been so nice to offer me his coffee and his table for me to do my work and Joel has been kind enough to let me sleep on his bed before I switch to Bibi’s place.

After those painful moments. I am so glad I am back in KK. By the time I go back to the peninsular, I will be ready to move in to Bangi house ‘physically’. I just can’t wait to settle down and go on with my normal days.

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