Hanging by a thread

I don’t know what to feel anymore. Yesterday, dad has to go through a procedure which involves putting a very fragile tube into his system as to give him more appetite to eat. It was a risky procedure that if the tube breaks during the operation, he has to go for a surgery.

Mom was crying because dad has to be anesthetized. Mom was nervous about the whole thing that she called me to get Fr.Valentine on the line to request for a special prayer for dad. As much as I was crying inside at that time, I can only tell mom that she has to be strong for dad, and that God will never fail us.

Later that night, I received a call from my eldest sister asking me when will I be back. I can’t give an answer. With all the things hanging around my neck, how can I decide? My sister told that after the tube insertion, dad looked very weak and he was complaining of constant headaches. She advised me that I should come back as soon as possible. As much as I hate her pessimism, I can’t deny that the days are numbered.

What am I supposed to feel? I can’t be transparent because I still want to LIVE.
I feel so unguarded, feel so weak. Feel like I am hanging by a thread, full of weeds.