Saturday, December 16, 2006

A Bouncy girl

It has been hard for me for the past few days but lucky me, i managed to pull everything together. No matter how much things triggered my vulnerability, i managed to calm myself down and suck it up immediately before my cheek is flooded with tears. I am okay... I know...

Even though the wound is still there, but that doesnt mean my life should stop here. No matter what happened, i know i will always bounce back, that's what a bouncy girl like me would do, rite people? Obviously, i am making myself all better.

I am going back to KK tonight.


My supervisor has been so nice to give me the permission. However, she recommended that i should convert to phd, which i don't know if i ever ready for that. Of course, i want to do my phd, but im thinking of doing it overseas after few years of working experience. But never mind about that, i have a semester to decide.

My life is still full of craps. I know I am a bouncy girl, and one more thing about being bouncy is that, i am exactly like a ball that can be bounced wherever and whenever ppl want. I really really really need to figure out how bouncy i should be and not being used for stupid matters. Dear God, this You gotta help me!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The last tantrum?

This emotional turmoil is taking a lot of my energy - especially my life. I need to detoxify it, so im planning to go back to sabah to celebrate xmas with my family. 2 weeks are enough to create a monster in me.

I went to church for the mass confession last night and i cant believe i was actually crying in public, i can sense eyes are fixed on me but it's unbearable and I know God was there leading me to a seat at the corner and say my prayer before leaving the building of God.

I have no choice but to suck it up and pray for the peace and mercy from my Heavenly Father. It has been days i did not have a proper meal, my goodness, i am so wasted. feeling weak yet the apetite is not there.

I really want to get this over with and move on with life. What's it gonna be, it's gonna be. This will be my last struggle to save whatever it is to save.

God bless!~~

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Seeking God

I look at my life at this moment, Gawd… im going crazy with the fears I have before my eyes. I tried comforting myself, I thought spending time with family would help me ease the pain, but still, the loneliness is always there floating around in my inner side. What should I do?

I don’t like to be called pathetic or pitiable girl but I just lose the battle. I am in the midst of bouncing back, because that’s what I do for the past 4 years. It ain’t easy dude.

I am socially zero, spiritually empty, and now energy losing. Gawd, I am pathetic!

I was supposed to meet Fr. Julian today, for him to introduce me to some active church members but because of some inevitable circumstances, I didn’t make it. So much of fixing your life, dear Fellie.

But a little voice I hear “Seek God first, and all other Graces will be given unto you”

That’s what I think I should do.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

What's your idea of a relationship?

A friend asked me, “What is your idea of a relationship?” I was kind of confused with the question, oh gawd another love master is attacking me questions about love.

I went like, “It’s supposed to be meaningful, I guess.” Do you think I hit the right answer? Well, it’s very subjective and very individual. Of course, I didn’t really got it correct at first. Well im not a master of love but it seems fun to be one, tho’ u might puke to your own face. Urgh, im crapping…

But these are the answers I got from few friends when I asked them this questions

1. To be there for each other
2. Sharing love and responsibilties, sadness and happiness
3. To love and be loved, to appreciate and be appreciated
4. To have someone to back you up, when you’re up to something
5. To have someone to say ‘goodnight’ to you every night
6. To look forward to the future with the other person
7. To feel belonged and not alone, to feel alive
8. To be with each other until the time unwinds
9. To say ‘I love you’
10. To take care of you when you’re mom can no longer take care of you

What’s yours?

Whatever answers you have in your head, relationship is all about a connection between 2 persons who are passionately in love. If the answers above never crossed your mind, then start thinking whether you want them in your life or not, don’t just leave them hanging around you when you can’t give them certainties, it might hurt them really deeply when it’s time for you to dump them.

When you answer “I don’t know.” then you don’t have any idea why you want her/him in your life. The person you’re with is no surprise suffering from the madness of the relationship.

Just like what happened to someone I know. Sigh

Some of the pictures in my PC


Me and my hsemate, emily...
taken during break fasting
with Ex- Biotech students in Kenny Rogers...







Taken on deepavali day in Sitiawan, Perak.
Left: Me in the hotel room in Perak waiting
for my hp to finish charging..
Bottom: My babies.... Sanchiya and Keegan...
sharing food while waiting for their parents on the
table just next to us (Picture not shown)












Left:
- How i spend my free time on saturday-
Domino's with piles of journals to read..

Bottom: The X5...
This car is huge and damn cool...

Friday, December 01, 2006

27 more days before christmas...

1st Dec 2006

Today is just like any other day. I will put on xmas music, light my xmas tree and thinking whether I should go back to KK for xmas or stay. But I am more worried if xmas this time will be another dissapointment. It’s true that xmas is all about family - wearing red costume with santa hat, carrying presents while humming the xmas melody.

This will be the second time I am celebrating xmas in KL, if I decide not to go back. I should be happy that T is willing to celebrate xmas with me and my friends are waiting for a green light from me to have a xmas bash at home. But like I just said, xmas is always about family. Maybe none can really understand the overwhelming desire in me to have a perfect xmas. Perfect xmas is not about the best dress you can buy or the best present you will ever get. It’s the joy, fun and love during christmas time with family minus the family crisis, of course.

The more I think about those options I have, I get so lonely, confused and feel at lost.

Another thing is this project I am handling, I think I was trying too hard to make everything work and end up like this, I can’t even decide anything at all and I look stupid in front of everyone. I was thinking, is it true that I am just lazy and been so sluggish all this while? It’s just when I get so pumped up to do my work, I get disapointed with all the limitation I have within myself - I am not that smart, whatever I do there is always a hole there to highlight my weaknesses. The more I see that hole, I get so frustrated and feel so stupid. I don’t have the gift to manipulate things anymore. I really hope I won’t disappoint my supervisor again.

Monday, November 27, 2006

one challenging phase

Things had been okay between me and T now. After a long long talk yesterday… I realized a lot about him…

He is an innocent man when it comes to relationships. I can’t really blame him for what happened because it was his nature and the only way to make it work is to compromise with his true nature.

Our relationship is no doubt challenging. We used to tell each other that our relationship is not at its infancy and all these problems are just a phase for us to go through, but now we realized that we are still too young to go deeper and we need to get to know each other more before we decide to do anything in the future.

But I am just glad that no matter what happened, we still want to be with each other, more than anything. I need to cut down a bit of my attitude towards him and I will try to understand the more of his attitudes rather than asking him to fit in with mine and hopefully that things will be better in the future. I just don’t want to go through that phase again, it hurts so much and mostly, I don’t want to make him cry for the second time.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

killing heart

It’s true what my friend say.. I have been downgrading myself too much that there’s nothing left for me when I was hurting. I tried my best to keep my head down, instead it hurts me more. So I get myself up on my heels, and confront the matter myself. It was okay for the first day then the next day it’s starting to get worse and worse and I feel like I am already losing my faith.

I think now, I am ready for a confession and stop sinning.

All I need for myself is to keep a strong mind with inner strength.

I received a call from my sister today telling me my dad’s latest condition. I felt so guilty that the night he was suffocating, I was happily having a small bash at my place here in Kajang. I was in a bad shape for the past few days and was thinking that maybe a glass of wine could help this time. I can’t imagine while I was laughing with my friends here, dad in sabah was suffocating all night long because of his heart problem.

But Thank God, with His good grace, My dad is okay despite having to face family problems. This is when I can’t wait to have my own career and voice out my dissatisfaction on some sensitive matters in the family.

I can’t imagine the worst case scenario just yet, please don’t ever let it happen since I am not ready to face that yet.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The happy ending of Semester 1

The semester is coming to an end. I have taken my final paper for EMS (Damn, the paper was tough though I have studied for it for 7 days in a row!!) and went through the proposal presentation (With good comments from the examiner himself..hehe..) and now my hormone is in balance. The end of my challenging times…



I am done with Semester 1!!!

I should celebrate this with a bottle of wine… but too bad, no wine to be served 

I need a holiday…

I want to go back home…

I miss the comfort of staying at home,
watching channel 70, HBO etc…
I miss eating solid food without having to pay them even a penny…
I miss yoyo,
I miss the Chinese food, the fried dumpling, Ice Lemon tea (Not kicai Ping)

and mostly…

I want to drive that X5….
Well, didn’t get the chance to drive it except for reparking it in the patio…

I miss the beach

I miss keegan, sanchiya

I miss the yellow couch at home…

I miss cooking in my sister’s kitchen….

Arrghhh, I miss her cooking…

Gawd, I have a lot to catch up!!

I want to go back and have all that!!!

KK, wait for me…. I’ll be there to celebrate you!!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh

I should be happy. I got NSF!!! At least something I could be proud of! But life was too much to grasp for happiness and I still feel the emptiness all over me..
Every night I reflect on my life and ask “why is it not enough to fill up the gaps? Was I hoping too much or did I ask too much that life gets bored of me now?”

I found myself taking too much of my family’s words but it’s important, they are my family though they dun really know me that much (my bad, for not sharing) because I know they want nothing but to see me happy. I am supposed to be happy now right? But why is it that I feel so much gap in it?

“C’on now fellie, surviving is what you do best”

But it’s not easy to be strong all the time since my life is full of craps that I just feel like throwing things away and run to my family for comfort. NOT THIS TIME!! Not when I am already 24. Gawd!!! Obviously, I am exaggerating here…. Big News, people!!!!

Sigh………….

Sigh…………

Sigh…………..

………………. Sigh.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Do you Feel SaFe when you'RE in LURVEEE???!!!

No. Seriously. I wish life is more than just having a boyfriend or girlfriend. But I am just saying.


Well, when you’re in love, it’s not about yourself anymore. You have to consider the other person. It’s not about making yourself happy. But making the other person happy. So you’ll be happy too.

It’s ridiculous.

Those love story you see on TV are all lies. There’s no happy ending. Marriage? It’s the scariest thing I will ever commit myself to.

I love him, but it’s too scary. It makes me start my puffing habit again. I need a break.
I know putting this in public will create a question mark to my friend again

“what is she up to this time?”

Guys, Im unpredictable and I am guilty as charged.

I wish life is easier.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Always the sypnosis first.. nothing else matter

Voice 1: What are you, bitch? Bestfriends won’t do that!!
Voice 2: What did you just call me? Instead of pointing fingers at me, will you even listen to me?
Voice 1: Will that even make a difference to who you are now, B?
Voice 2: I thought you would understand (sigh)………..
………………………………….

I used to believe friends are angels sent from above. But now? Yes, they are angels though some say that there are good and bad angels around us (I mean the real angels like in “Constantine”).

Why is it never been peaceful in there?

The missing parts in the puzzle, no one wants to know what really happened. They just want to believe the synopsis of the whole story and who are the good guys and the bad.

“I am not peaceful. Still. Because I am always seen as the villain. The bad angels in the story.”

Story taken by – “Story of my life” (check your dictionary)

Friday, November 03, 2006

Adorable girls hit the "long-term relationship" category!!


Man are mostly in love with adorable girls. Believe what i say? here goes....

Few months ago, I read one of the Cleo’s issues which says about the high prediction of long lasting relationship between a man and a woman. The highlight was that, a man are likely to stay longer in a relationship when they are dating adorable girls. Is that true? Since we practically know that most guys tend to turn their heads when a sexy or hot girls passing by?

Frankly speaking, I can’t agree less with the idea.

Have you seen a handsome tall good-looking guy walking hand in hand with a duckling in the street? Some might say “Oh, maybe they had good sex?” (Are you jeering at me now?? Hellooooo, we are already in the 20 centuries, knock your head to open your eyes that it happened and I know malaysian are still abit close-minded when it comes to physical intimacy, screw you!!)… I know it’s wrong to do intercourse before marriage, but that’s not the climax of the topics I am talking about here. Back to the topic.

Well, don’t focus on the handsome guy just yet, let’s talk about the duckling. Is she that ugly to his eyes? Nope. She might be pretty inside. My point is, some girls though they are not as hot as Beyonce or Jessica Alba, they are adorable and fun to be with. Guys enjoyed hanging out with this kind of girl.

Okay, let’s look at Jennifer Aniston’s movie, “Rumour has it”. Let’s just flip through one of the scene in the movie when she was comforting her sister about a guy and she asked her “When you play tennis, or having dinner, or watch TV with him, do you guys have fun?” The answer is absolutely “Yes.” That’s why her sister marry him in the first place. But again, I am talking about adorable girls here.

Adorable girls are mostly simple, funny, have a great sense of humour, does not really care how she looks in the outside but more on the inside, caring, sweet, hugable, cuddly and loving. Good looking guys can have as many woman as they want like John Tucker, but only one will stay in their heart forever. Who are these girls again? Bingo. Adorable girls. Adorable girls know what these guys really want. Not sex, materials or money – but a good time. When it comes to soul searching, adorable girls are hot on sale. Errr, you know what I mean. Pls don’t use dictionary to find these meanings. Read those lines in between and you will understand.



Well, guys out there – tell me that I’m wrong, but these girls are worth trying.

Pretty/hot/sexy girls out there – try working on being adorable more than “Ahhh, my mascara is melting and it’s all over my face..” or “more make up, so he will notice me..” or worse.. “I need a breast implants, or else he won’t even look at me..” those are temporary, ask Justin Timberlake. Cameron Diaz is older but she's adorable.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Dedicated to my dear friends: Emily, Ivan, Pete etc...

Loving a person is hard, it's no surprise that we tend to get jealous, hurt or angry with the person you love the most. I have encountered so many events where I am jealous, angry, frustrated with my friends and loved ones. There are times I found myself so selfish for being utterly insensitive of their feelings.

One of the greatest guilt I felt so far was during my birthday surprised thrown by Emily and the gang. I felt a pang of guilt when a dear friend accidentally spilled out what happened that very day. We were so happy while eating the cakes and those bunch of Domino's, we laughed a lot and obviously everyone was having fun and that was the greatest gift I get from them – the joy and fun during my birthday. I wish so hard that I could join the fun till the dot of the party, but there are some other matter I need to resolve at that time and I had to leave my friends in the living room having party themselves playing poker.

But what really touched my heart so deeply was, they actually comprehended to my situation though that was the least expectation I have for them. Obviously I feel like I was being a jerk and expect some bad remarks from what I have done, but apart from making fun of what I have done, they did not say anything bad at all. I feel so honored to have this kind of people in my life.

So to those concerned the topic above, thanks for being a sincere and lovely friend to me. Even though someday we will be apart, but I will never forget those fun moments we had together. Nothing I could ask from the Man above but to keep all of you always in His keeping and may this wonderful friendship will last forever.

Emily, Ivan, Pete and those I didn’t get to mention their names here, thank you. That was more than a birthday gift and surprise to me.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

stagnant blog, stagnant life

Im tired and my blog is stagnant for a week now. Time like this, I can’t really think… I have to be inspired by something to write again…. Let me take my precious time to refresh my mind and reflects on everything that goes around me..

I am 24 now, the number is big enough to indicate that I am no more a daddy’s girl but like tharmaindra said im alrdy a lady so I should be more serious about what’s ahead of me and he’s right about that. Each day I see myself and I see people around me, so much changes evolving around us and some can’t really comprehend to this development. Just like a 12 or 13 year-old girl who’s going through a physical development. It will never be normal as how it used to be, but it will get better if we try to learn whatever it is to learn in the horizon dynamically. Learning is something we do for living and those things we learned are all the stepping stones to the real world ahead of us. Nothing is fake forever and nothing is so real in our eyes now and ever,however it all depends on how we tackle every possibilities in life.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

"Nowhere"

I am so glad that i managed to finish the song at last. I tried to complete it when i first wrote it but i am not talented enough to wrap it up. But with the inspiration and support given by my friends, i managed to finish the song which i called "Nowhere"

This is just a 10 seconds candid camera done by Fadhil. I was really surprised when i saw it on the net. haha, we'll try to get a better video of it but dun ask me to sing it again, i dun hv a good range of voice.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Reconciliation of life PART 2

I’m nearing to my age of 24, and it reminds me of those years that have gone by. I was amazed by how swiftly time passed by, and all my friends are now a grown up. Some of them are already in the working world, and some even have kids. I was wondering what will happen to me in this 5 years? Will I be married as well? To be truthful, I was thinking of settling down and get married to the guy i want to spend the rest of my time with. My friends were shocked of the idea since I was the girl who never believed in marriage.

Seeing the rigidity of marriage in my family, I don’t think I want to be there too.

“I never actually believed in marriage, and I don’t mind if I will have to be single until I die. But someone must inherit all the wealth I have in this world. So I need a heir from my own bloodline to take care of my wealth and use them accordingly. To fulfill that, I will get a white man to screw me/or to be more appropriate, get myself a seed from the you-know-what bank to get a wonderful baby girl and raise her fatherless. This baby will have all the things I’ve missed out during my early years and I will give her all the love she needs, take care of her until she can take care of herself. I will love her with all my heart and I know she will do the same to me with enough education in all aspects and discipline.”

Those are my prideful words before I even think of marriage. But as a good children of God, that is totally not a right way to live a life. As prideful as I am, I still need to get married and have kids. That’s the purpose of human’s life: to reproduce. It’s funny to even think about this whole thing. I guess these are the concerns people will have when they reach certain stage of life. No more playing games for them and life is getting so serious as time flies. Whether we like it or not, we need to look at our life to see the future.

Okay, so “what’s next?”

I bet this is the scariest part in our life.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Reconciliation of life PART 1

The immersion of the whole getting-to-know-your-life has been practically absorbed and I have been accepting the whole drama in my life and complied with the customary situation, I know life is always about choices and I have to be confident with whatever choices I make in life with full integrity.

I have always loved my life, though it seemed rambling most the time but I learned a lot along the way. I still remember when I was having this ‘sharing’ activities with bunch of older people in one of the religious gathering at church, and they were amazed by the wisdom and perceptions I had about life and humanity.

“Such a young woman with a tangible sense of living, very impressive! We had to go a long way to actually think like you…”

Well, life has been hard at certain times and yes I have to admit it taught me a lot about living and surviving. Some people may not understand the sufferings I have to go through, the loneliness I have to bear and I have to admit I made mistakes along the way and hurt some good people. There were times life alienate me from all the decency, and I was the blacksheep in my own zone. I was in negligence of the situation before then because life has occupied me with all the responsibilities and hardships. I was struggling to survive and didn’t realize that few things were slowly slipping away. Hmmm, I’ve tried to retrieve everything back and Im just hoping for the best of everything.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

"Communication magnitude"

Have you encountered such problems wherein the gaps in communication were the constant reason of the falling out of your relationship? We seldom see the significance effect of the gap, and contentment has made us scratch our feet comfortably on the couch, without even noticing the budding effect of the problem.

The magnitude of the communication has undervalued, and people start assuming the relationship or friendship had been so perfect and efforts in improving the connection are fundamentally not necessary. How little they know that communication has been the medium for us to share affection, and the only way for us to save the relationship.

When there is a gap in communication, there is no doubt that the unwelcome miscommunication will start plugging in to fill up the gaps. Some friends of mine are the victim of the distance, however the relationship survived in a way that communication has been part of their routine. I myself survived from the terror of the distance. I always feed my head with the famous saying “distance make the heart grow fonder”.

I believe that distance is not the main problem of the relationship fall out, and communication has been the alternatives to save the relationship. Miscommunication can inevitably happen every now and then, and I believe communication can be the powerful tool to mend the holes.

Communication is a proof of concerns and love when distance feed the way. It has been long realized even in marriage that, communication is the center of understanding and improving every aspects in our life.

Let’s not forget our loved ones, and let’s not take them for granted for whatever that is gone, may be gone forever and there is no chance of turning back the clock. Before it’s too late, reflect on what has been said and fix whatever there is to fix. I believe one day you will remember this post and thank me for reminding. *wink

Sunday, October 01, 2006

My heart says...


Nothing is impossible and life is too short to wait for everything else…
For this, I am giving my heart and soul, and
for whatever comes in the near future,
is what fate has decided for me…
In the midst of this thunder,
I will give my hand for the future I long to have..
And shall I have peace in me…

Saturday, September 30, 2006

The “Unwelcomed” Rules in my life

Maybe quitting is not a good idea after all. I will wait for my NSF news, and if I am awarded with the scholarship then I don’t have to think about my job prospects, I think. Since I am bound to government for at least few years before I venture into something else. How if I don’t get it? Well, my plan B was…. (I can’t really tell you right now, its too sensitive to say now)

Well, what happened to me last night? Reality hurts. Seeing the handcuffs on my hands, and the corruption in front of my eyes, and the empire I have to stay under. Where is my right to voice out my opinions on my life??!!! MY OWN LIFE!!!

I have to admit, I can’t take it when I am imprisoned by the rules which was made for me and I am no longer qualified to decide on my own life, because the handcuff on my hands is an obvious reminder that I am under the rules that I never wanted to have.

How do I run away from this confinement? I have made a long term planning, and now I’m only waiting for its time. I am ready for another chapter of life, later then I will have the freedom to control my own life without the interference of these rules. The worst thing was, they are not even my parent’s rules, in fact my parents are also one of the victim of the injustice….. Don’t you think it’s funny?

tell me about it..

The Greatest FEAR before my eyes

Life is too hard to grasp, I might need another hand to help me to keep hold of everything. Now my cake is melting and slowly it’s losing its taste. I was a fighter once, and strength has been the one that keeps me up and up to every stage in life.

I remember right after my internship, I had to work for months to earn money and save them, so that I could come to KL and pursue my dream. I have been so confident of my decision and I was happy that God blessed me with all the strength I need. Being alone wasn’t easy and I have been in denial of my loneliness and despair. I wanted to make things work and I managed to be where I am now.

My work has been in a delay, and i am progressing really slowly. I lost all my confidents and my energy to fight. The world is starting to take what belongs to them and I am a lost sheep. My platform is breaking to pieces and my legs will somehow lose its balance, and they are just waiting for time to collapse.

I have foreseen a lot of possibilities in life, and nightmares make it even worse. My parents is still around and I know their prayer has been the reason of the sturdiness of my platform, but once God take them away from me, then everything falls apart, I will lose everything I have. I can’t let that happen, can I?

I have been thinking of quitting and try my luck on something else. My friend was saying “You want to quit after all the hard work of reaching to this stage? Even after NSF?” I am not giving up, I am just preparing myself for the worse thing to come. What can be scarier than waiting your life to collapse in front of your eyes? No, no more catastrophic events in life. That midnight call has awaken my greatest fear in life, and I shall not ignore them anymore. It’s time to make it stop threatening me.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

"Life Without Value"




Life can be a lot of things to everyone. Life can be a platform for us to dig as many gold as possible, to build our own empire, to create something ‘meaningful’ in life, to gain knowledge in the horizon or to proclaim your possessions and hope someone will notice and bow to you. Nevertheless, there is one crucial thing in life which is hard to maintain and found to be missing in almost everyone; it is the value in life or in a person. I have encountered such drama where values are no longer the measurement of happiness or purpose in life. Life is harsh when people start screaming at your face and saying that you are the dumbest person on the planet.

Imagine how hard it is to swallow those words given out to you while you are trying to keep it calm at the other line.

Somehow you couldn’t control your emotion and all the words start ripping your inner side and you’re uncontrollably bleeding inside. God was there with me, but I know He wants me to face the pain and be calm. Despite being so sick and almost ‘die’ on the bed, I have to deposit in all the sadness and painful feelings, and let tears put me to sleep.

I tried to make life simple, I tried to make all situation less complicated but the surroundings has made me even worse. I tried to kill my awful pride, I tried to keep everything low profile and be as humble as possible. I tried to be a good daughter and sister, but none of that is discernible and I am just a piece of s**t and everything is a total waste of time. Hopefully one day, my family will see the worth of me, and understand the way I am. No matter how far you try to run away from something, when bloods are connected, distance is no longer an issue, and you’re still in the never-ending problem. This is again my superficial life. Sigh

Sunday, September 24, 2006

“Life is a risk you take”

I always want to write a book. I have been telling myself for years that I want to write a book and someday if I have the chance, I will. It’s not for the money but it’s my passion. I love to tell you the story of my life, because my life has been a roller coaster ride. All the events in the past taught me a lot about love, trust, determination, and most importantly life taught me how to bounce back from failure, betrayal, frustration and despondency.

I talked to a lot of people, I befriended all kinds of people and I shared a lot with people from different backgrounds. They are all important in creating the history of my life and its flow from the beginning till this point.

I went through all sorts of emotion – love, anger, depression, happiness and the list goes on. I know how it feels to be really sad, angry, hurt and also happy. I am now an expert in hiding my emotion in public and only those who really know me so well can smell the fish around me.

I began to understand every puzzle in my life, and I realize that life is all about choices. Different choices of life draw us to a different way of life. I always love challenges in life. What I love the most is to challenge myself in whatever situation in life. I know I am not the best of all, but mapping your life is quite an adventure then going for water rafting or mountain climbing. As you make your choices, risk are always there. Whether you’re willing to take the risk, it’s really up to you. Some people are scared of taking a risk, it’s not their fault. But those who are willing to take a risk are those who want some changes in their life and these people will learn more about life and they will have insights on what’s going on around them. I am speaking here based on everything as a whole and not pointing at anyone and these are not judgments but life as a fact.

Whatever it is, one day I might write a book. Maybe some people hates my ideas or point of view, but I believe that sharing can help you discover something new in your being. Blame me for reading a lot of books and talking to people from all sort of kind. But I love expanding and gaining new knowledge verbally or through reading. My evaluation may be wrong, hey, you know what? If you disagree with me on this, you are already taking a risk in changing your life, because you don’t follow what I say. Instead, you are evaluating what I said. Good job, people. Welcome to my world.

Life is a risk you take, so don’t be scared of risks because they can be friendly to you when you want to befriend them and learn to accept failure and disappointments, because sometimes that is what you get from getting risky.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Suki WORLD this time!!




I was so surprised that Suki won the competition tonight when it was obvious that the audience in the hall was blown away by Faizal. Well for once, his performance was a thousand times better than the other two. I was intrigue by his medley performance and he sure knows how to put 3 songs into one beat, and amazingly, he nailed it off really well. That is what we call unique. Faizal gave me a goose bump and I was jumping on the sofa with Emily during his performance, which is enough to tell how well he performed that night.

Well as for Suki, I have nothing against her but she is still hundred miles away to be in sync with Faizal despite her supreme sacrifice for her upcoming SPM. When she was singing, I don’t see any fascination; it was just an enjoyable performance for coffee time which Simon AI would call, “A forgettable performance”. Unfortunately, Alif, whom is also very talented in his own way, was overshadowed by Suki’s screaming fans and Faizal’s astounding performance. But I will still feel okay if Alif wins, but not SUKI. The elimination of Dayang was a great surprise, and with Suki winning the competition is enough to make the show a total dissapointment. Is Malaysia that talent blind?

Okay, Congratulations to all Suki’s fan, your money was a good investment after all.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

"Critical", yet "indecisive"

I wish life could be easier than this. I know I have been sighing over my life like a thousand times. But I can’t help thinking of all the things that likely to happen in future. It’s in my nature to make sure that everything goes perfect with all the things in my life since I am having this shaky life along the road and I always found myself in a crossroad, and worse still, I am not fit to decide and act wisely.

I know I am not really that unfortunate to have the kind of family I have now, I do love my family though they can be so unreliable sometimes. I am now considered financially secured, but what will happen if I stop receiving allowance from my GRA scheme? That means my life will be as doom as the overcooked meat, I can’t turn to anyone for money which I never will because of this egoism that exist in me ever since I was born.

I am really aiming for jobs so that I will be financially secured and stable. I can’t depend on my sister or any of my siblings for money; I rather work it on my own no matter how tough it will be. I really hope I can make up my mind sometime soon about this confusion in my head. Life is getting more stressful now, and there’s no time to sit around and see what is going to happen next. The chapter of life is reaching its’ climax and it scares me to the max. I just have to act fast and smart. God help me!

Friday, September 15, 2006

A fable worth reading - "All the things we tend to forget"

I can’t believe im-turning 24 this October, it felt like only yesterday I see the wideness of the world and the beautiful smiles of everyone due to my arrival to this planet. Then, I start talking like I have two mouths on my face, and the next thing I knew is, I was carrying my 2 kegs weight of bag to school, awhile later I graduated from secondary school and went away from home to expand my educational level. It felt like only yesterday I came to KL to pursue my studies, and now it felt like I am not ready to grow older. Suddenly, my family was concern about my relationship with a man, and my sister was talking about how marriage life is like. My closest friends were talking about career, money and stuff. I was like “Can I turn back to 16? It was so much fun before then.

Life is getting more serious as you grow older. I wish it could be easier like how it was when my mom fed me with milk and I can just relax in her arms and enjoy the sensation of stuffing her nips to my innocent mouth. Well, it is for free, in fact. But unfortunate for us that now, you can only get all you need after an amount of payment and nothing is for free anymore. I still remember the time when my dad used to drive me along with some other friends to school. He was the one who has been working hard for his kids, whereas I just enjoy the ride at the back of his seat, not even knowing the hardships he has to go through to bring us up. Now, as I maturely grow in wisdom, I see those sacrifices my dad has made in his life just to make sure that we have enough food in the house, enough money to live with, and enough education to help us in future. Yet, we are too arrogant to realize that our life now is made by the people before us, and they are the reason why are standing here at this moment. If it wasn;t for them, i would not be speaking this way, showing people i am too smart to think of those important things. I might be at the sidewalk waiting for rich people to grab my ass, only to prove that i am such a burn-out waiting to be rewarded for the stupidest thing a woman can do. How can a woman degrade themselve that way? i thought a woman's pride is the most expensive and highest one compare to man. Woman has become a toy and a playground to those who are the least to know of a woman's worth. Shame are those worthless creature...

________________________________________________________

Before im done with my Msc, i should think of applying for jobs somewhere and at least get my feet on something, and slowly draw myself to a more challenging job. I really hope i will get the chance to do something more extraordinary and adventurous to fill the excitement of my life. I know i might sigh every now and then but life means nothing for me if i just sit and wait for something to light my way, instead i should go ahead and seek for the light. and that is me. I always think that time is not reversal, and it waits for no one. Regrets will be the most embarassing feelings for me, and i shall not let myself drawn to that.

T has been reminding me of how precious time is and i shall not leave anything behind for later. Everything has to be done quickly and organized. He helped me to push myself forward to do everything possible and do it better each time so that I will never regret anything, it is better to fail than do nothing.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

peace in the heart

Life is back to its normal mode again. Surprisingly, Im feeling homesick since last night but I am glad I have T to neutralize my feelings. Nevertheless, I was so happy to meet my friends here; I am not sure why I was feeling like that since I was a bit reserved before then. The moment I reach my habitat, all the feelings came back to me and I was so excited to see my home neatly organized and looked new.

Ivan and Pete helped me to unpack and it was a bit embarrassing that they had to see my under garments while unpacking my radio and CPU. They stayed awhile till midnite and headed back home after finishing few packs of my Hinava. *LOL* Hmmm, I know I am doing better now…

Today feels a bit weird and I kept on telling Emily that it feels peculiar being here after a long break and hopefully things will be back to normal once I am actively on the move with my work and social life. I am just missing home so much, even though I didn’t get to hang out much with my friends, but being at home spending time with the people I love has been better than Ive imagined myself. I never felt the feeling of belongingness. I am starting to understand myself now. I have been growing up with serious feelings of rejection, and let only few people to dwell in my world. Not only my friends, but I have been rejecting people my own blood because of the violence and injustice I have seen them doing.

Nobody really understands me, because I never let them and I know I should have never blamed my friends for being so insensitive about my problems. A friend approached me and tells me all her problems and it got me thinking, how did I get through my loneliness, depression and anxiety. I accepted. I accepted the circumstances I was in and all the trials I have to undergo. Instead of fighting back, I complied and then I chose to let go and be happy. All you need to get through the stage is peace in the heart, once you have earned that then you will be happy.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

F.A.I.T.H ahead of me

Life is pretty much like a basketball game to me lately. There is pain, excitement, joy and suspense at every turns. The most exciting was getting to know T’s family and fitting in. Right now all I know is, I need to get done with my master and hopefully there is chance for me to even grow wider in the world outside, and if i ever get the chance to further my level, i will never hesitate to do so, probably then i am ready to settle down with him, which i will when the right time comes.

The meeting with Clifford few days ago was a very much pleasurable as we have shared a lot about our life and the future we dreamed of having. I know I have taken all the chances for being happy for granted and right now, I need to embrace every moment I have and appreciate those who are dear to me while pursuing my dream. The past few events in my life had made me realize a lot of things and I, from now on, will never ever daydream of a perfect life but live life to the fullest and start being happy instead of reaching out. Happiness is earned, not gained. I shall not torture myself just to fix my imperfect life anymore.

No matter how much you try to reach the top, you should never ever let those who love you stray behind.” I may have lost a lot in the past, and was deeply hurt but I promise myself I will never hurt myself that way again. What passed is passed, and it is time to move on and focus on what’s evolving around me.

I have been downgrading myself too much lately that it destroyed my self-esteem but now I have regained all the spirits I once have and be a new person with faith ahead of me.

I should thank a lot of my friends, especially my dearest one who has been there for me at times of trouble. You have been my FAITH when everything falls apart. I should also thank God for having His mercy upon me and bless me with His peace and love.

As I leave KK tomorrow evening, i will leave nothing but footprints and bring nothing but memories.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Act of contrition


Thanks for being honest eechi, and dont worry im not hiding myself here because i know where i stand and i am not here to defense myself anymore...

To be honest, when I read ur comment eechi, I feel like deleting it immediately because it was too much to take but deleting it will only means I am hiding it, and it’s only fair to let it stay published since I have wrote about you guys too. I remind myself it is not wrong to face the charge and let everyone know what really happened and what kind of person I am… now I really don’t mind if people starts to judge me because I have let go all my anger and my disappointments for the last events and I am willing to put down my sword for peace… I really want to make it up, lay the cards on the table (listen to you all and explain things), not to defense myself but to reach the understanding between each other so we can make peace and be friends again… but I guess it may not happen since I don’t have much time here in KK.

Ive tried to make you all understand but i guess the damage is beyond repair, so there's not much i can say to fix it.. i admit it's very immature of me to even publicize the previous post as well, (i was warned) but it's the only way to reach to you girls..

I am sorry that i have judged you and Jo (saying that you are all being immature and are still the same) but as far as i remember i haven't really badmouthed you guys.. there is one stage of life where i want to reach out to you girls but i just couldn't because i was too scared that i will be misjudged since I have broken up with Chris.. i was really sensitive about everything that time and maybe words slipped out from my mouth out of frustration..but honestly eechi, i have never talked bad about you, especially you.. well again, i sound defensive..

i really duno what to say... i duno why i din sms you all that day, i cant remember.. the only thing i remember is i was also confused that day and i thought u understand how demanding my sister can be.. my sister!! i sacrificed a lot for her and even got a D in my Bio and the rest is C back in UMS just to take responsibilities at home... but none of that matter now.. i know i should have sms you guys, that was my mistake..

and maybe ive put my family too much priorities that ive forgotten abt you all that day... i know i was selfish.. I can see it though that time I din realize it that way.

well, let's put it behind us eechi... let's just move on with life... it's my bad that the friendship is broken... if we can't be friends anymore, it's ok eechi. i know whatever i say here will only make things worse... i really duno what to do so i will leave it to this dot chi..

what i can say here is... i am sorry for everything that happened.. it's not my nature to bow down this much except when i really want to fix something, you know me well, my pride is too high to be degraded (not easy for me to say sorry) but ive put it off hundred percent and went all out for this, but i think this is the best i can do...just let time heal, let God decide..

There will be a lot of my friends reading this, but it doesn’t matter if I will be judged or not… it doesn’t matter anymore that my pride is taken away.. all I know is, when I say sorry, I was really really sorry, and I was really sincere and I meant it so much…

I am here to admit all the mistakes I have done, I was hoping that you girls will try to accept and understand each other again.. im not pointing fingers here as I have done a lot myself to damage the friendship, just to fix my farking life.. it has taken a lot of me to do this.. and please understand that I am not trying to show my inocence here and making you all the bad guy, I am here to ask for forgiveness…. and I really really really hope that this time you guys will understand my intention for being sorry and forgiveness is all I ask...

again, I am sorry for everything… now I am almost at the stage where my life is stable and happy. I have accepted whatever your (and the rest) anger towards me… maybe this post will re-ignite the anger again, I really really duno what else to do to make it okay because I have given everything that I have in me to fix this and hopefully my heartfelt apology is heard..

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A clarification for "Jan 8th 2006"

What happened on Jan 8th 2006? This was the date I was supposed to meet my old friends but it turned out that I cant make it, not because I have changed and refused to catch up with old friends, but I was with my family.

I went back to KK on the 30th December 2005 to make it up with my sister and to celebrate New Year with her. There had been a long silence between us after I left for KL on Oct. I refused to be in contact with her for such a long time after the conflicts between us. She didn’t even send me to the airport and that was the same day I cried myself out in my dad’s arm.

The moment I was in KK, all I can think of is the two adorable kids and home. I spent the whole week in KK with my family. I was glad that I know I didn’t lose them after all. I didn’t have the time to go out and hang out with my friends, not because I don’t feel like to, for me at that time, family comes first, and I don’t want to hurt them by going out meeting friends when they need me at home the whole time. My flight back to KL was on Jan 8th. Since Jimmy was registering for his first semester in KDU on Jan 7th, I had to change my flight to Jan 5th or 6th (I cant exactly remember). We were busy on that Saturday helping Jimmy to register class and hostel before getting him some provisions. We finished everything around evening and went back straight to Cititel to rest before another round of shopping.

The next day, which was Sunday. I helped my sister with her shopping spree. That was also the day which my UMS friends were having a mini reunion. However, as much as I wanted to go and meet them I cant just leave my sister with all the shopping list, she needed me. I was thinking of meeting them after my family leave KL but in the end, we sent them off to airport and spent time with them there before our goodbyes. For those friends that I have missed, I am utterly sorry for missing the day and believe me, it was not intentional as u believed it was.

It’s true that I will never expect anyone to like me or to understand me, that depend on every individuals on this planet. If I deserve your friendship, deep down inside of me i am really thankful for that but I am a human being, I do make mistakes but please don’t judge me by the mistakes I have done before you know what is really happening in my life. Having a big family is never too easy and creating a new life from scratch takes a lot then one breath, it takes more than you think.

I have sacrificed my comfort zone to pursue my dreams. What i wanted in life is far beyond what other people can expect. I grew up in a tough family but i'm glad because it made me what i am today -> well-determined, strong-minded, gutsy, independant and a survivor... no matter what life throws at me, i know i can always survive and that's one thing i can be proud of myself.

When someone is comfortable enough to be proud of herself, that means he/she is already happy (tell me if im wrong). and Yes i am really sure that now, i am at the correct path..

For your record, there are no grudges nor hatred in my keeping. What really happened was all for the reformation of my life for the betterment of my future. period.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Coincidence can be a blessing

Today was a big coincidence for me. At first I woke up about 7.30 a.m., which was already late and I told Emily that I might just take the bus later, but when I’m planning to hit the bed again, the sleep has gone away. Instead of forcing myself to go back to my dream, I prepared myself and I have no idea why I chose to wear a formal top to go with my black pants. My reason was, I want to attend Yan’s convocation and I want to look formal and decent, not knowing that something might happen today and this is a blessing in disguise.

I reached UKM about 8 a.m and was preparing my paperwork when suddenly my senior called from his home and asked me to save the day. Apparently, our supervisor has gone to Equatorial Hotel for the conference without my senior’s poster. I was like “How am I going to put up the poster when I have no transport to go to the venue?” I was about to withdraw some money since I don’t have enough cash in my purse, and take a taxi to the hotel. Emily saved me from the hassle at last. *THANKS EMILY*

So there I was in the conference hall. The room was already filled with people with formal wear and I feel so lucky for not wearing my torn jeans and lousy tee. I managed to put up the poster at last on the 77th and was ready to leave when I spotted a friend’s poster on the 29th board. Awwwwwwwwww….. I wish I have mine on one of the board too… For a moment there, I feel a tingle of sadness. I worked so hard for this conference and I didn’t make it at the end. *sigh*

I buzz Jaff (who was one of the poster’s candidates) with an SMS to inform him that I am there so he can come and see me before I leave. He escaped from the whole serious-and-quite-atmosphere (because an oral presentation was taking place at that time), to come and say hi to me. He was full with smiles, yeah, I can see that, and I am proud of him. We were talking about his poster for a while and I left.

The best part was when my supervisor SMS me to say thank you for agreeing to go through the hassle and save the day, and requested that I’ll be there to put up the poster before the Tea Break. I proudly replied to her “Prof, it’s already on the board.”

Yeah, I saved the day.

She asked me to stay but I have other serious matter waiting for me in UKM.

P/S Congratulations on winning the poster, Jaff. You know someday I might just have to kill you so I don't have to compete with you on winning the trophy next time *kidding*

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

New hope

Bits by bits i am trying to catch up with my labwork. however there's nothing to worry about now since i am still 0n track. I shall finish on time according to the key milestone. I had a brief discussion with my supervisor again today. It was a nice warm up for the experiment i'm about to execute. Only i have to do my labwork during the weekend, which means i need to rent a car for the weekend.

My sister kept on calling and asking when am i going back and insisting that i should come back early. My mom called me last week saying that she misses me so much and wanted to see me but refuse to come and stay at my sister's place after what happened. it's pretty much complicated. Im rushing off to the end of my experiment. Ive been so tired lately, hopefully at the end of the day, it pays off.

wish me luck, guys.

"Not my time yet"

The meeting with my supervisor today started out dreadfully, I can feel the uncomfortable atmosphere in the room. When my supervisor was about to drop her bomb to my face, my lab mates came to my rescue and for awhile I can breathe in some fresh air and think properly what to say to her to reason myself this time. The meeting was to arrange the weekly presentation and at first I was in the first group which means I have to present next Tuesday. But then again, the girls who are doing pesticide work were to go first on Tuesday, and me and my senior will have to present on the following week. I was like “I think that’s the week I am going back to Sabah.” Oh, damn. Another explanation has to be given to my supervisor.

After the discussion was done, everyone except me went off to their respective labs.

Supervisor: Fellie, I have something to discuss with you.

Hmmm, I can see it coming. So this is the meeting is all about. She was not satisfied with my working attitude. I think now is the time to explain to her all the problems i am facing.

Supervisor: What happened to you? I haven’t seen you for ages. (Urr, Prof, I met you last 2weeks and last week you were not around. But like always, I can’t say that out.)

“I have seen potential in you. You are among the bright student I’ve had. But why didn’t you see me? I am very mad at you, you know I put so much hopes in you.”

When she asked for my explanation, I went from A to Z which brought her to a moment of silent before saying “okay, I understand your problems, there are few things I could help and some I can’t. But it would be better if you could come to me and tell me the technical and transportation problem you’re having. So next time I know how to help you and your time is not wasted.”

(Yes, I understand you can’t help me when it comes to transportation, but even when I told you about the technical problems, you weren’t much of a help to me, in fact I was delayed which forced me to handle it myself.)

URGGGHHH, looking at this, I realize I have been in denial of my pride. I know I should tune down my ego and accept the fact that being a researcher is never too easy.

Nevertheless, the chat ended up pleasantly to both parties. Like always, I can be very skillful when it comes to defending myself and she agreed when i told her i need a week or two off to visit my parents. I can't deny that my supervisor actually has a big heart when you know how to tackle things with her.

I just have to fix my problems. Once everything is okay, then I will have no problem impressing her again. I am just waiting for time to show her what I am actually capable of doing. *devilish smile*

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Okay, enough with the coin story, here are new updates abt me!!

I can see that my blog has been dormant for few weeks and everyone has been asking me “Lie, why are you still on the coins story? Get busy there!”…. Okay okay, I get that… I was just too occupied with few things and hardly find time to actually sit down and write.

Hmm, let see … what’s happening lately? Okay there’s the experiment that I need to get done with. Actually I have done one important part of my project but the bad news is, my supervisor was not thrilled with the method I used and actually criticized on it harshly which promptly sent me to the depression phase of my life. I was really really upset with her response on my work. Nothing close to an enthusiastic remark on my effort but nonchalantly said to me “Looks like u have no choice but to have one sleepless night and on restless day in the lab!” I was likeWhoa, hold on to your horse right there, Madame!! Did you know that I worked my ass out for 3 weeks straight and I haven’t got a decent rest yet?! And now you’re telling me how surprise you were that I wasn’t thinking of executing the experiment using the method people had done before?” Only I didn’t spill it out to reason myself. I just sat there hearing all her ignorant remarks on my work, and yea guess what, I can’t make it to the conference then. For a moment there, I was like “I hope Dr.Brid is here to give me some useful advice and her brilliant opinions.”

For a week I was going through a moment of depression and I almost give up on whatever I am doing in UKM. I talked to few people but not about this problem I am having, but about their work and stuff. Some of them are finishing off this semester and will be graduating as a master student next year. The moment I heard that I was like “Damn, I should have taken course work instead of research.” But later Jaff told me, master by course work will be announced obsolete and some won’t be recognized then and I am still at the correct track.

I am just glad that with all the depression I had, I can knock some sense into my head. I should think straight and focus more on my performance and my project. Not forgetting the key milestone to keep me on track.

That’s all for now… I will feed you more soon enough I get my head focus on this thang. I have been so addicted to GG lately. Ciao!! hehe :)

Jaff and Azfar, Safe journey back to your hometown

Fadhil, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Sarah, Get me out of here!!! I need some fresh air and some good Girlie talk!!!

Fellie, Get your ass to the bus stand now or else you’ll miss the bus again… (OKAY, leaving now!!)

Thursday, July 06, 2006

"A meaningful parting gift"


He was in love, he was generous. He helped people the best he could. He is a good friend, indeed. Everyday he spent his money, he will bring back a fifty cent for his collection in his Pringles. It was just for the sake of fun. One day, he found out that his account is shrinking and will only be enough for a month or so to survive. He’s worried but couldn’t ask anyone to help. His dad will be furious if he found out about how he spent his money. He remembered the coins he hid in his closet. He opened them and found a basketful of 50 cents coins in his Pringles. Everyday, he used that to buy food. He survived for a month with those 50 cents.

We wouldn’t know small packages can come in handy during rainy days. We may think that “nahh, it’s just some stupid coins I collected for fun.” Life is unpredictable, you will never know. Maybe it’s nothing much but for me small details can be a keystone for the most critical agenda. I have been keeping coins in my Nat Sherman wooden box since I was here. The last time I counted the 20 cents I collected since November 2005, it was more than a hundred, it should be more but I used it sometimes to pay the bus. Then I started collecting the 50 cents, it was also for fun.

T left for UTM this morning for his master studies. I had been thinking what parting gift I should give him before he leaves. I want something that’s simple yet meaningful. I looked around my room, and I saw something on my study table. It was the Nat Sherman wooden box full with coins. Some of the coins were scattered around the box because the size of them exceeded its capacity. I was like “hmm, this could be a nice parting gift.”

So I filtered out the 50 cents and after a brief of calculation, I found out I had about 116 pieces of 50 cents which equivalent to RM58. It was an odd number. I need another 4 pieces of 50 cents, so I asked my friend if he has a change of 50 cents, he got 2 pieces of it, another 2 pieces of 50cent to make up to RM60. I searched around my room, my pants, the drawers and all the bags in my room. I found the last two. I was so grateful and I kept all the coins in a blue bag to make it look like a treasure bag.

The next day, he came to my house and I went like,

“I know I have done nothing much to make you happy. But I have something for you which is really meaningful.” And I handed him the bag and he was surprised that the bag was full of coins.

“50 cents? Why are you giving me all these coins? What is it for?”

“Remember how you survived with those 50 cents you’d been collecting in your early uni life? Now you’re going away to pursue your studies. This is for rainy days when I can’t be there. It’s nothing much, but I will feel happy to know that you’re always okay. Take it as a symbol, hmm, you understand what I mean.”

“You know what? Remember the Santa mug you gave me last year? I’ll use that to keep this bag. Santa is the children’s miracles during Christmas, and you are my miracles in my every day.”

Well, like I said, it’s not much but it’s just the thought that counts.

Monday, July 03, 2006

It's time to let it go

My advice is - You should just ignore the previous post.

Life has been okay, though today I was in pain the whole day. Hopefully it’s just a normal infection which I got it before 5 years ago. But fadhil kept on saying, it could be gall stones. I was being so paranoid this morning when I was having problems in urinating. I called neena for few times to get assurance of my condition and at the same time getting an advice from her. She has been so kind in helping and give me instructions on what-to-do. So I did what she asked.

I am taking alkalinizer at the moment, and I think I am recovering despite the pain during urinating. If the condition is the same or getting worse, I will consult a doctor. But I will give it another few days and see how it goes.

Lionel is staying over at my place till he fly back to KK for his semester break. I know he cant wait to go back. The face I recognize before. But it was gone forever but he has it, and I miss having that kind of feeling. Well, I have nothing left in KK now except for my family (but like usual, there’s always issues among them) so im just gonna concentrate on what I am doing here, and of course I still love my hometown but it’s just too much to bear at the moment.

Im just gonna focus on my life. Him. Studies. Research. Financial issues etc. It’s just a waste of time thinking of things that are failing. I did the best i could, but i think letting go is the best choice. I am moving on people, and I am so glad I am over it.

Friday, June 30, 2006

A need of a closure

No more memories
Throw away memories
She hates memories
They hit her hard, they hate her

It‘s a closure
A definite closure
No more Miss nice girl
She just died today

She was hurting
She was crying
She was suffering
She has to end it

He came along
Brought a rose
He took her hand
Kiss her forehead…

He whispered to her ear and said,

things will be okay,
don’t worry,
my love for you will never die.
Let them hurt you,
I will always be here for you,
I love you.”

One night, she was on her knees
Hands together and prayed,
God, let me be okay,
For tomorrow will be another day,
Let me shine throughout the day,
And make everyone around me smiles,
For I care for them so much.”

Later that night he returned and told her.
I will take care of you forever.”
She cried in her sleep,
Her smile on her face is enough to tell the world that
She is now happy
With the new love she just found.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I am singing for “Carrie Underwood – Jesus Take the Wheel”

The most I have in me is faith and the most I need for myself is security and happiness. The most that I could give to you is my sincerity and friendship.

The life I’m having now and the air that I breathe is way too different from where I come from. Life here is harder and more challenging for me, with limited number of friends you can trust, there’s nothing much you can do to help yourself. I always think “why give me all these trials and why was I neglected?” God’s ways are mysterious. As mysterious as He can be, He did send angels to watch my back and help me to go through all the obstacles along the way. They are whom I called “friends”.

The updates of my life aren’t too fascinating to feed your interest. There’s nothing remarkable happening in my life except for these few events in my life:-

1. The whole “meeting the parents” thingy which I managed to pull off a week ago. I think I’ve said that in my previous post. So skip this.

2. My parents and sister are back from UK, and they bought me a Planet Hollywood baby-Tee with “London” written on it which I wanted so much.

3. Another badminton session will kill me since I’ve been playing badminton for 2 days in a row and I’ve been suffering from muscle pain everywhere especially my right arm.

4. I managed to impress my supervisor with my progress report on my work. After a long discussion with my supervisor about my progress, I was asked to prepare a technical paper for the 31st Annual Conference for Biochemistry and Molecular Biology which will be held later in August. I have about a month to do the writing, which means I have to get results by then. If my work and writing is impressive enough, they will call for oral presentation (which I think I’m not ready yet since it’s my first time) or else I will only be presenting my poster (which I think is good enough).

That was all that’s going around in my head now. I just got home and all I want to do now is sleep and rest my head. England will be playing against Sweden tomorrow early morning, which I can’t miss it for the world. Don’t worry jaff, I won’t do the review anymore. :p

Friday, June 16, 2006

England Vs Trinidad&Tobago (2:0)

I know I was desperate yesterday but I just gotta see England play this time and I heard Rooney is going to play despite the injury he had even before the world cup begin. I had few people to reserve for the game, but at the very last minute I called off the plan thinking that I could just go to the mamak shop nearby and watch football while having dhosai and Teh Tarik. To my surprise, I went alone. Lucky me, I get to drag along few chaps to accompany me since watching it alone wasn’t really a good idea, and even worse, I am a girl. Unfortunately, I was too late to get a table and the place was already a full house with football fans which I believe some of them are watching it just to support or Booing the England team, but that was off my concern at the moment. I had no choice but to go to Peter’s house and watch it with bunch of guys. Lucky me Willy’s girlfriend was there to join us, so im not the only girl around.

The first half of the game was a disappointment as Crouch made a lot of mistakes with his kicking and heading, oh well, his height didn’t even help a bit. Lampard was not in a good position of scoring even one goal, and Owen was the same. The second half was really a blood racing. I know I should keep it down but it became so exciting when Rooney took Owen’s place. Well, Owen still a star to me and I was like “Why didn’t they pick Crouch to get off the field? He sucks this time.” Lennon took his place too and damn he shouldn’t be underestimated. He was good.

For the last 10 minutes of the 2nd half, our hope for England to score started to fade and it was no doubt a total despair. The game was quite offensive as the ball possessions for England is higher in percentage. England kept on striking endlessly eventhough their pride is at stake. Then, it was a GOALLLLL at 83’ from Crouch, unbelievable, he managed to redeem himself. In less than 10 minutes after Crouch's history, my fav footballer, Steven Gerrard, took the pride and contributed another score to England. It was a good score from Gerard.

2-0, it was out of prediction, I don’t think the bookie got it right too. I can’t wait for their next game.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Meet The Parents

Terrifying. Bloodcurdling. Daunting. Stressful. Nerve-racking.

That was what happened yesterday before I set my foot on the Klang ground. Hell yeah, it was “Meet the Parents” session, tell me about it.

Thanks to him for not trying to calm me down. Instead he showered me with all the nail-biting cautions and intimidating remarks about what’s gonna happen next and the aftermath of the meeting. What happen if I failed to meet up to their expectation? It’s horror to even think about it.

The whole 45 minutes drive to Klang from my place is utterly painful. How I wish I have the X-men mutant gene to fly and run away from the whole uneasy circumstances. It’s killing me deep inside. I was being paranoid for a minute there. Suddenly, the view doesn’t look so nice from the car window, the road feels like it’s eating me alive and the weather is no doubt slaughtering me. No matter how much I try to squeeze in to feel better, it still feels like my life is on the edge and I feel so uptight inside.

45 minutes didn’t take that long, as I wished it should be. The gate is already open as to welcome my arrival. I wish it’s the end of the pressure but unfortunately it was just the beginning and I can’t hide the awkward gesture inevitably displayed.

Initial introduction was not bad. They welcomed me with their best smiles. Met the lil’ bro with a big shoulder, making me feel like a hobbit. The house is nice and cozy, just enough for the size of their family of five. Lunch was okay, and I was having a hard time finishing my food since my capacity is rather small.

We had coffee after lunch while flipping through the albums of his childhood picture.

But here are few things I would like to share with you.

How do you know if it’s a good sign?
1. When they show you their son’s childhood picture and shared funny jokes with you about the picture. (Checked)
2. When they showed you their wedding picture and says “The wedding just feels like yesterday.” (Checked)
3. When the father keeps on laughing and talking while the mother sits beside you and asked if the coffee is okay. (Checked)
4. They sent you to the door when you had to leave and say “Come again.” (Checked)
5. They wave at you with smiles while saying goodbye and waited until he drives away leaving the house. (Checked)

All checked. I should give myself an applause.


I was so flattered by how they treated me on the first meeting. I enjoyed every bit of it. It was awkward at first but we managed to fit in. Im glad I did my best but he warned me not to be too over-confident until the postmortem.

Believe it or not, few hours later he told me the postmortem went like this,

The father said to the motherThe boy is smart. He chose the right girl.”

I managed to pull it off, despite having to impress a knowledgeable father. At the end of the day, I think the father did impress me with his knowledge. Remind me how lucky I was that I managed to go through the test smoothly.

Tell me how I should celebrate this.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Wedged between Opportunity and Responsibilities..

Days had gone by… I missed the trip to London. There are times I’m glad I didn’t go but I can’t deny the times when I feel like “Oh, shit. It’s London I said no to, forGodsake, what was I thinking?”

But I was wedged between the excitement of going and my responsibilities at hand. My sister was pushing me of going along. I know I can’t say yes immediately without thinking of my responsibilities. Furthermore, I can’t just stop my experiment which ive started a week ago (it will be a waste of time, energy and chemicals if I terminate it right away),

and there is permission I have to ask from my supervisor (It’s hard for me to apply for holidays when I am going to apply for UMS convocation on september),

and also the undeniable financial constraint (I am going to register soon and I need to pay my fee of more than a K),

not forgetting the responsibilities of taking care of the house and Emily’s car (Grace has moved out, Emily is in KK for 2 weeks and Philo is in Melacca till july. I cant just let anyone else to take care, especially Emily’s car, since she trust me the most).

So, that was my dilemma for few days before I said “Kak Ina, it’s ok. I’ll go with you guys for the next trip. Australia, maybe? At least it’s cheaper for me. Just bring the folks and make them happy.”

I know I made a right choice after all.

*sigh*

Monday, May 22, 2006

DA VINCI CODE – and the arising curiosity of Christianity

“You chose what you wanted to see. Maybe what you saw or heard is true, or maybe otherwise! We are the victim of history. But the most important thing is what you believe.”

Da Vinci code has come out alive, at last! I still remember obsessing the book exactly a year ago. But it was not because the ‘cover-up’ history (as Dan Brown called it) that interests me. But it was the way he put it into literature that impressed me to the max. Dan Brown has the upper hand of putting history into a provocative way, he is a genius, I must admit. Nevertheless, if we look at his masterpiece in a positive way, he had brought everyone into a question-mark, which is very good indeed since that leads to excessive curiosity and consequently, better knowledge. Now it is clear that, the youngsters nowadays had neglected the importance of understanding their own religion, especially those Christian followers.

I have been receiving a lot of “Do you think it’s true?” from those who have watched the movie and I can see it now, everyone is actually interested in Christianity’s history nowadays? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? The good thing is that, it brings everyone to one route – Finding out the truth. Somehow it will improve their faith in God since some people may protect their own religion and this will boost their interest in reading the bible or maybe some other informative resources about Christianity. But not forgetting those whose faiths are effortlessly triggered. It could possibly happen, ya know. Furthermore, it could leads to frustration and betrayal. But whatever it is, like what Tom Hanks a.k.a Robert Langdon says, “What matter the most is what you believe.”

It is a good movie, indeed. But in my point of view, I must remind you that, it is completely nothing but a fiction. It is the arts of Dan Brown, and history is just his powerful resources, which is nothing more than a theory induced by intellects (I did not say it is totally wrong, it has been studied for century, but the proof is still vague).

In short, let’s not forget that “Faith is important. That’s the only thing we have when everything falls apart.”

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Just a cute and creative imagination - PERFECT MORNING, AFTERNOON and EVENING

Imagining my life living in a peaceful and tranquil neighborhood with the nice people living around it. I am imagining my …

PERFECT MORNING


7.00 a.m
like usual, the clocks will ring out lout to announce that the shower is waiting for me. Before hitting the shower, I will check the recent news on the paper today (The doorman always does his job by delivering ‘The Sun’, my favourite newspaper, at the doorstep before the waking hours). While checking on the news, I can enjoy my ‘investment’ moments

7.10 a.m
Hit the shower and feel the hot water on my skin – really refreshing. Not forgetting tooth-brushing and facial washing.

7.20 a.m
Stand right in front of my wardrobe, thinking which to wear before modeling it in front of the mirror that hangs on the wall.
“Yesterday I was in pink and white, I think I’ll hit the red one today and so I could wear the light green tomorrow

7.30 a.m
Put on some eye shadow and lipstick that matches the outfit today. No heavy make-up, a simple one will do. After the yadi yada with the make up, I’ll spray some perfume on me before putting all my necessary stuff on my bag and carry them to work.

7.45 a.m
Head out. Lock the door, greets everyone in the hallway while hitting the lift button to the lobby. “Hey, that’s the old lady again (I’m not good with names, so I can’t really remember) walking her dog. That’s sweet. I wish I have a dog to walk but hey, I am a busy lady *smirk*.

7.50 a.m
Walking out from the elevator to the lobby. Talk to the doorman.
Hey Mr. Doorman, can you make sure my cable is working again? I missed the Elliot Yamin’s show last night. I have to say I’m really disappointed.”
The doorman always know I hate it when the cable is not working. He promised he will get a cable guy to fix it by evening.

7.55 a.m
Get some hotdog and hot coffee from the 1901 stall just outside my apartment and head to the train station which is only 100 meters away from my apartment. I can still catch the 8.10 a.m train if I don’t bump into anyone I know in the street. I can be quite famous at time, and that's the last thing i need at this time around.

The rest of the day will be the working hours for me. I am not sure what I’m gonna be in the future so I will leave it just here at the moment and think about it later.

PERFECT AFTERNOON


Well, here’s my list for every lunch hour. I have to keep up with everyone.

Mondays
My best friend at work like to know what I have been doing during the weekend. I am happy to go lunch with her/him/them since it’s my free-lunch day. ‘whoever you are’

Tuesdays - Thursday
My boyfriend. He likes to have lunch with me, what can I do, he adores me. Tuesday will be Chinese food. Wednesday – Indian food. Thursday – Western food.

Fridays
I usually go out with the girls since the lunch hour is longer this time and we can do some shopping after lunch.

PERFECT EVENING

Fuh~ this can be applied if I don’t have to do OT, or go for a date, and just stay at home.

7.30 p.m
Prepare my tub before calling 1-300-888-333 for pizza delivery.

7.35 p.m
Take a long bath since the pizza will only come 30 minutes later.

7.55 p.m
The pizza will be here in 5 minutes. Prepare the exact change and put on some Giant T-shirt.

8.00 p.m
Pizza in front of T.V. “Fuh~ The T.V is working, or else the doorman has to listen to my endless roar.”

8.30 p.m
Check my mail and check who’s online, just in case the cute guy is online tonight. Hehe…

8.30 – 11 p.m
TV session

11 p.m
Switch off TV. Read some nice articles or bible before calling it a night.

My contemplation on the recent events in my life

I was weighing up myself about the things that made me happy and sad. I was pondering whether I am more like a thinker or feeler ~~ I think I am both, considering the fact that I think and feel a lot.

What happened lately?

Well, Elliot Yamin is voted out this week, which is hundred percent unfair. He is GOOD. The percentage each one carries which was shown before the elimination took part reveals the proximity of the talented idols. But contemplating to the fact that Elliot Yamin lose to McPhee?? That was unbearable. OoooPss, I’m not here to proclaim that I’m an AI fanatic, it’s just a point of view from someone who followed the show since the very beginning. Even Seacrest agreed with me when he said “You’re a good man” while giving him a pat on the shoulder in front of the public at the recent show ~ Yamin is a good man ~ look at how he treats his mom, that was super sweet!!

What’s the recent hot news?

Da Vinci code. Everyone seemed to reserve themselves for those closest to them on catching the movie, and that includes me, despite having to watch it 3 days after the premiere. Even worse, we haven’t got the ticket yet. I really hope I could still get good seats tomorrow. I’ve been avoiding listening to those who’ve watched it before me, because that’s no ordinary movie and I want to enjoy it to the fullest.

How’s my love life?

Not sure how to articulate this but all I can say is it has been a winding road for both me and him. I never really liked the idea of publicizing my love life, but it has been a major issue to me lately. Thanks to love, hopes, faith and patience in me, which helped me to go on with sturdy endurance. I think it’s better to leave it in serenity and let it fix itself. I’ve gone to this path and chosen it way over. Nevertheless, this relationship really helped me to reflect on myself as a whole and reveals the hidden attributes I long have. It helped me to become a better person, and that’s what matter the most though somehow I wish it could be easier, but God has a bigger plan and I am sure He knows what’s best for me and him.

What makes me happy?

Hmmm, what more than to imagine a perfect morning, perfect afternoon, and perfect evening to spend. Read the above to find out.

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