Tuesday, December 27, 2005

In the eyes of the children...

It never seemed too easy to see them without tears on the eyes..
My love for the kids...
my concern on their upbringing and their future..
if you can do something, this is the time...
they are human just like us..
I love them very much, with all my heart...
I thank God for opening my eyes to the other side of the world which you should know that you are very LUCKY!!
Comprehending to the fact that the pennant has left a big hole in me and the memories of RKK kept on playing in my head. It is something which has never occurred to me before. I didn’t expect I’m now longing for their laughter and their companionship. The joy in their faces, the features of their wide smile and happiness are which stayed in my heart deep inside. The yearning of offering them my love and care did not just end there. Two days after, we visited them again after being invited over for xmas lunch. Of course I will never go there empty-handed, so I spent the whole Xmas eve wrapping candies for the kids. Again, i would like to thank my beautiful friends - Yan, Jemeng, Sandra and Erda whom helped me getting it done. Without these wonderful gurls, i don't think i can finish wrapping the candies. I managed to do something wonderful on Christmas. As much as they were jumping in joy to see us, I was thrilled meeting them too. Seeing them with their new clothes and their jovial faces on xmas day really make me feel overjoyed. Fr. Julian was already there when we came to RKK, and he was quite surprise to see us. After we had lunch with Fr. Julian, we joined the kids with their little games, talked to them and just enjoy the fun with them around. Honestly, it was really fun having them all around.

Friday, December 23, 2005

The pennants

It was the pennants the priest gave us on the confession day that brought me to the orphanage. The place I never expected to go. In fact I went there twice. After preparing the food on Friday evening, we went to RKK (Rumah Keluarga Kita) which is very near to Kajang Commuter Station. At first, everybody was feeling awkward with each other’s present but after breaking the ice, we managed to fit in with them and unexpectedly there is a 4-year old boy called Michael that makes me feel so different. He’s very talkative and adorable. He really touch me so deeply inside. Playing and talking to him make me feel so sappy and I can’t stop holding him like he is my own. It is very depressing to know that there is a 4 year old child like him living in this world without the love of real parents, reminding myself how lucky I was to be born and grew up contentedly.

How happy I was preparing the food that evening. Never did I envisage that the place I’m going will be the place I will never forget in my entire life. To say I regret it is totally a stupid thing to utter. In fact, I am already attached to them, especially Michael.

This is the contribution which i sincerely gave to the children in RKK, with the help of my friends. Thanks to Yan, Jemeng and Sandra for helping me to prepare them.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

The Warmest Season of the Year..

Xmas is almost here and again I realize how fast the time flies.. life has been beautiful for the past few days. Been out a lot with the guys. Thanks to Jaff and Azfar for always being there for me when im in need. You guys are really wonderful, despite the “teasing session” you guys had been giving me. Grasping the glee enclosing my very days, giving me the clear view of how much I want to improve my life and be somebody worthy. I’ve been having this bad habit of puffing again, and now that my friends saw it happening in front of them with their very own eyes. Don’t worry guys, just give me some time to put a stop to it and I want you guys to know that it doesn’t mean im an evil slut or what you call a spoil brat (this is a title for a rich kid rite? Im not even rich). Im just having it because it’s BACK!!! But ive been telling myself to stop…and it will.

My weekend this time was okay. I was so bored few days ago and I drove to putrajaya to meet Jaff. We had A&W that night and like usual, im always the one with the unfinished food. I guess I need to expand my tummy so that i can whack my whole meal at a time. Azfar joined us a bit later that night. We hang around a little while at one of the prominent bridge in putrajaya. The scenery was beautiful from where we stood and there was a function in putrajaya (a closing ceremony of something) which leads to the discharge of fireworks just at the back of the beautiful mosque (from our view). Then we had teh tarik afterwards at one of the mamak shop in presint 9 till 1.30am.

Looking at my friend’s achievement, somehow I see myself an honorable feeble for being unable to afford myself. Jaff with his MyVi and Azfar….guess what he’s driving?? Well, I don’t think Azfar will be happy if I break the news here since this is so public. So I leave it to Azfar to break the news, give some effort to keep in touch with him and he will update you …hehheh… Azfar, im really proud of you.. I remembered your birthday that day but forgot to wish you “a very happy 22nd birthday. It has been sooooo nice having you in my circle and you know I am soooooo proud of you!!” I hope you like the wallet me and jaff bought for you….
We had a very nice conversation that night and I enjoyed it very much. I had my free lesson from the both of them. “Shame on you Fellie for being so incapable of ‘playing with words’!!” We went out again the next day to Sunway and Azfar came to fetch me. It was about an hour journey to Sunway, went through Kajang Silk and LDP highways. So unlike KK, you cant go around this place without at least a ten dollar note in your wallet since you have to spend for tolls. We had a nice time that day – Me, Jaff, Azfar and Yam. Shah and Tharmaindra came later that day and we all had drinks at Dunkin Donut before we say our goodbyes.

Xmas is only a week away and according to the STAR today “the trappings of the season are all too apparent at shopping malls nationwide….” Totally NOOOOOTT except for Midvalley of course. No wonder everybody prefer going to Midvalley since it’s the most happening place of all and the thing I don’t understand was why xmas this time is transformed to winter wonderland. You can see white xmas trees everywhere, or maybe that doesn’t really count because as long as there are xmas trees all over the places and most important thing is let’s savor the xmas spirit and share the joyous of xmas with everyone despite the differences between us. Oh well, every celebration is always about bringing back the family together. Though’ I won’t be getting all 9 xmas gifts this year from my family like I always had on xmas eve, but they are always in my heart with or without them around physically..

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Less xmas spirit??

hello everyone, we meet again...!

i just bought a 120cm height of xmas tree and some ornaments for it..but its not done yet since i forgot to buy the lights.. i really like it. First time putting up xmas tree myself with some xmas songs as the background musics at that time.. For a moment there, i feel like home (sob*sob). eechibun wrote in her blog that xmas this time is less fun.. i thought i heard the same thing from Jaff too during Raya time... but try Midvalley and i tell ya, the place is beautifully decorated at the centre court with the theme of white and snowy xmas. Not to forget the loud xmas songs filling up the whole building.. i went to Alamanda and KLCC for the past few days and there isnt much of a xmas spirit too... of course it is very sad..

I went to UPM and UM today with Tharmaindra. UPM...hmm.. i leave it to jaff to do the description of UPM but UM... i kinda like the place or maybe because i saw the new college in UM and it looked nice and luxurious from the outside. Not to forget that the admin is kind of well-organized. What can u expect right? its one of the oldest university in Asia...

I was happy to see Jaff today with his labcoat and glove covering his hands, really reminds me of UMS.. He can't stop smiling when he saw us. I know what you're thinking jaff so stop it ok?!!

ok, here's the picture that i really wanna show you. From left, its me, Vick, (You-know-who) and Grace... I should thank Vick for this pic...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Live life to the fullest

Guess what ???!!!!!!

I met jaclyn Victor two days back. Grace's sister, Esther, told us that Jaclyn Victor is coming over to the exhibition held in MINT (Malaysia Institute of Nuclear Technology). Since me and Grace are a big fan of her, we went and see her sing live.

Yes, i saw her. I even shook hand with her, wished her merry xmas. She signed my calendar card and Grace asked her if she has plan for xmas. She told us that she is performing for TV2, if im not mistaken. We both didnt bring camera but lucky we have charming Vick who is a doctor-to-be and also my junior from KML has his at that time. We managed to take only one pic with Jac since Vick's camera is out of batt. Before Jac leave the building, we managed to lock hands and wished each other merry xmas for the last time. She is super friendly and nice and seriously speaking, she sounds so much better when you're in the same room with her singing live. It is not like what you hear in the radio or telly. Her woice is so much powerful than that...

Another shocker is that, i pierced my nose. I really like it tho' it is damn painful when i just got it pierced. i like it, i like it, i like it..... im thinking of having a tattoo at the back of my belly...but i really have to think of the consequences and it will cost me a lot i know, unless if i do it in KK. Dont worry, that doesnt mean im wild and ready to party.... I just want to have everything when i still can and this does not concern others. We live only once and we will never grow younger so my advice is, live life to the fullest!! adios!!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The days that went by...

Today had been the best day of my life…

Somehow I see a flicker of happiness before me and I cant stop smiling since this morning… Things had gone wonderfully and I love my life now… tho’ sometimes I have to go through some hard times but that doesn’t stop me to have fun and enjoy life to the fullest. I didn’t mean to exaggerate but I am happy today :)

Sadness, disappointments, heartaches, confusions, frustrations are inevitable but no matter how hard it can be at times, there is always a way out and none can help except ourselves. Motivation and discipline is the key to escape, I must say.

Now im sleeping over at my old place so I get to use my streamyx again. Jemeng had gone to bed so im alone in the living room with the radio on to break the awkward silence..

Tomorrow I have to start my labwork… I bet En.Haris is really furious to see me since he had been trying to contact me regarding the quotation of the items I need for my labwork… I hope to get it settled by tomorrow, including bacteria streaking and gram staining practice.

For this coming xmas celebration, im going to celebrate it with friends –FOR THE FIRST TIME…
Stupid me for letting out tears the other day…I just cant stand the sadness in me when I saw the xmas tree and the deco in one of the outlet in Kajang.

We went to this small store called Living Cabin where they have all the xmas deco and the display was so nicely done. The xmas songs filled up the department store and I was looking at all the deco. All of sudden everything disturbed me inside. I miss home, I miss my mom, I miss keegan I miss everyone at home…remembering that the xmas this year wont be the same for me since I wont be celebrating it with my family. So it really make me so sad and lonely inside.. No matter how rebellious I can be, I still have a soft spot inside and unexpectedly I turned it on that very day. Sandra was aware of the situation and she had to drag me out from the store to keep me away from it. Funny it may sound, but I never been so far away from my family for xmas.

To keep me away from this feeling, im going to buy a xmas tree, put it up and decorate it myself. I will give myself an extra treat with a nice blouse for xmas. I was supposed to join the xmas play but in the end I decided not to. Previously, I planned to go to Melacca with Jemeng to see how the xmas is held in A Famosa but because of the financial constraint im having, I guess I have to cancel the trip. We’ll see how it goes and I will keep u update about my xmas preparation… till then, we meet again.. im going to bed now… good night..

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The new lodging and the unforeseens

These few days had been quite busy for me. I just shifted to a new place in Hentian Kajang. Tharmaindra came and helped me out since he got a bigger car. The new place isn’t that bad. I am staying with all sarawakian girls and currently sharing room with Grace, the most happening girl I ever met in UKM. The other girl is Philo, a very down-to-earth Mirian and Angela, my senior in KML.

All of us just moved in so the house is not fully complete with basic necessities tho’ we already have a fridge and a stove. Grace and Philo is going back to their respective hometown end of the week so the shopping for kitchen utensils will have to wait until everybody is back. Now, im staying overnight at my old place, Jemeng managed to persuade me to come and stay with her for tonight since jenny just went back to Sabah. But im not alone here, Grace, Maria and Aina tag along. They are all sleeping in the living room now, while im still here writing my blog.

I don’t feel good about the things happened for the past few days. Firstly was about my old housemate. I dunno what happened that she has totally changed; I mean she is like that according to Jemeng, a very serious person. I didn’t see it coming, if only I knew, I would have kept my distance. I didn’t mean she is totally a bad person but she likes to keep things to herself which made me unable to talk to her at times. Hence, for more than 2 weeks, it seemed like we both are strangers to each other and only spoke a word when the time is critical like what happened last week. That was when we queried her about the rent. Until now, I don’t really understand how she counted and charged me for my part. We made a mistake by not approaching her face to face. But I cant do anything when I am only a newcomer and I know I have no right to bug in, so I kept quiet. But my roommate was too scared to talk to her, especially when she is not in a good mood almost all the time. So my roommate had no choice but to give her a letter before she herself fly back to Sabah. Yan’s letter was blunt, sharp and straight-forward. So it made her cry, I was the victim of the day to see her swollen eyes. I felt bad for a moment there… but it was not entirely my fault. She came and talked to me, I didn’t say much because I don’t want to make things worse for her. I thought things will get better after that, but it was still the same the day after and she is still in her world of her own. That’s why I chose to ignore, that’s the best thing to do. It all started right after she asked me about Harry Potter. She wanted me to bring her for Harry Potter since I got a car to use but I have watched it. The moment I told her that, her expression changed, her face was like telling me that I did something really awful to her. Since then, there was an awkward silence between us.
Somehow I wish that I don’t have Erda’s car to use, I wish she had never given me the car before she go back to Sabah. But it is Erda’s car that I have more friends now. Well, it’s clear to see that everything we have has its own advantage and disadvantage.

I went to to church for daily mass yesterday and the priest said something about forgiveness. The feeling of guilt suddenly rushed over me and jenny’s face appeared in my head. I have to say I have my part that is wrong even though I am not the cause of it. If I have been so diplomatic and kind, things wont happened the way it had. There are times when my egoism takes over me and I become such a bad- ass to people. This is why I have to always pray and seek for forgiveness to keep me aware of my wrongdoings. I am not a kind person, everything that I have felt, or given, is not enough to label me as a nice and kind person.

My new lodging- my housemates are great but I can see there is an uneasiness between them. I have to be careful of that. I talked to Grace and told her that no matter what happen in the house, one of us has to be the peacemaker. Grace – despite being so blunt at times, she is a very nice person, open minded and the thing that I like about her is that, she is honest, direct-speaking and totally not a hypocrite. I feel comfortable with her.

I guess the post is already long enough to bore the readers so im heading to a full-stop now. My back start to ache and it means I really need my beauty sleep. So goodnight everyone. We’ll meet again – astalavista for now….

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Remember Me This Way

The song in my heart.. for someone who is always special to me..
near or far,
you will always be remembered and missed..
Though' somehow we found ourselves a different path,
but you will always be in my prayers..
Take care my friend...

Remember Me This Way
Jordan Hill

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never let us down
Who understands it all
reaches out each time we fall
You're the best friend that i found

I know you can't stand
a part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true
The life will just be kind
to search a gentle mind
If u lose your way
think back of yesterday
remember me this way...
remember me this way...

I dont need us to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where i go
and i know that you'll be there
forever more a part of me
You're everywhere
always care......

I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true
The life will just be kind
to search a gentle mind
If u lose your way
think back of yesterday
remember me this way...
remember me this way...

I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side
And i will never leave as long as you believe...
just believe...

Remember me this way...
this way....

Saturday, November 12, 2005

CHOICES… did we make the right one?

Dad, Me and Mom

I have been making a lot of mistakes, I know that. I was being so self-centered that I don't care about what others may feel about my action. I know where I came from and I do love my family very much and it was a mistake to expect a lot from them. I’ve been fighting alone on my own, not knowing I could get all the support I need from them. I guess I I was too arrogant to let them in.

Mom called me few days ago and they knew I was having financial problems, yet I never asked for money, my arrogance. The next day they banked in some money for me without informing me first. Kane called me to tell me about it, I was overwhelmed with tears because I didn’t expect money from my parents. I felt guilty for not opening my eyes enough to see how much they care for me, that's my arrogance.

Mom asked “when are you coming back? You’ll be there for only a year right?

Nonchalantly I replied, “Im staying here for long. Not only for the whole course of my master. I might want to settle down here.”

I know she was sad with my reply, with her low voice she answered, “you want to leave us here?”

It is hard for me. I love my mom so dearly. I didnt mean to be this way. I feel like just leave everything n go back, meet my mum and hug her really tight. her know how much I love her.

But then, I never regret myself for being here because I know what I am here for. To study. To achieve something and bring back something so everyone will be proud of me. These are the things Ive been wanting to accomplish. It's not about supremacy issues or showing off, that's just me. God is the reason why I am here, It's his blessings. Because only He knows what i need to do.

To my brother Jim, I know it is hard for you. Hang in there and you will understand why things happened and why you are where you’re at now. To my sister Kane, I took cover for you but I really hope you are aware of your own mistake and make it right before it is too late.

To my mom and my dad, though’ it is impossible for you to read this but I want u to know that I love you so much and please do not think that I never care. I do care. Always care. All my tears are for the happiness of me being a daughter to both of you. I love you.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

My personal review on "The EXORCISM of Emily Rose"

This story is mostly like a courtroom movie but the storyline is kind of intriguing and ignited my very soul… I have to hug my friend’s hand during the movie because it was to frightening… I mean the suspense is too much to handle though I did control myself from screaming out loud.

At first it was about Erin Bruner being so excellent in her career as a lawyer and she is the kind of girl that likes challenges. I can say that she is very gutsy; does not believe or scared of anything. Then with the request from the church diocese, she was chosen to defend Father Moore who was convicted to have killed Emily Rose. With Ethan Thomas as her opponent and the very tough case she has to win, it was very nasty at first that Erin almost lose the case. She got her hopes back when Dr. Cartwright offered to testify at the court. But just before he was brought in front to testify, he was hit by a car and died. The hopes to win are too frail and she was even warned by her employer not to let Fr.Moore to testify again for the second time because of the press attention he contributed. However, Fr.Moore’s intention is not to let himself free but to let the world know about Emily’s story.

It was scary that the demon that possessed Emily is the one, two, three, four, five, six demons. The sixth demon was the “Big-time-BOMBSHELL”. She was a happy girl with a dream to become a teacher, she was offered to further her study at the university with full scholarship. but one night she was awaken by a strange sound just outside her room. The demons got her attention. She was one hell of a girl to have the guts to check the hall and close the angry door. It all happened at 3am, when demon’s activity is at maximum. 3am is actually a mock to Christ’s dead during His time. She was under medication since then. She was given drugs (Gambutrol) to help her with her sickness. But her condition remained the same and she has to leave school. With the help of her good friend, Jason – she is sent back home and Fr.Moore began to appear in the picture -Helping her to get rid of the demons inside her body by commencing a ritual called – EXORCISM.

But the exorcism failed and being said by an anthropology expert that it may be caused by the effect of Gambutrol which makes her to stay put at her state of being possessed when the exorcism is being commenced. A day after the exorcism took place, she heard a voice calling out her name. She reached out for the voice and met holy Mother Mary. She asked why was she given such test and sufferings. But she knew she was loved and she was given a choice whether to end it or to stay. She chose to stay for one GOOD reason. She sacrificed herself till the end. Her face when she died was totally horrible.

There are still a lot of gaps I didn’t fill up for you here, if you want to know the whole story, it’s very easy. Go to your nearest theater and buy ticket to watch it. I rate this movie as a MUST-WATCH movie to those movie-goers outside. Have a go kids…it’s worth your money, big time!!

Friday, November 04, 2005

The answer to “WHEN, WHERE and HOW” – which leads to “HERE”

Days had gone really slow for me. I had been sluggish myself. I know it's easy to finish up my second draft of my proposal but im not sure what’s happening to me that I kept on delaying it. Today is 4th of November,26 more days before December and it's christmas. Yesterday I went to Midvalley to meet up with Belle. It was only both of us and we really had fun with the lunch and the movie. I told her what’s going on with my life recently and she was happy to hear it. I remembered this was what she said to me “People grow up, and they changed. Changes are part of our life.” It was so soothing to hear that from Belle. Of all the bestfriends I have, I know she is the very few people that really understands me. Although we don’t meet that much, but we care for each other like how we care for our own sister.

Looking at some of people's life around me– I never meant to underestimate or downgrading anyone. But seriously look at ourselves and remind yourselves the level of maturity you are at. I am not judging anyone, again I remind you, but is it always sunny days? NOPE. Some people say look at the present time and don’t trouble yourself by looking forward at our future. WHY CAN”T WE? Because it is complicating our life and make us in total fear?? That’s what I call childish if we ever have that thought. If you want to accomplish something great in life, it is not only about now, we have to see beyond our times now. The journey is so far ahead but it is not hard to predict when you have your plans coming with you. Seriously, before I come here, I have foreseen myself going somewhere far from my own zone doing things that I love. I kept on telling Jeremy – I still remember, it was about a year ago – “I want to be somewhere not here, so I can do something I really loved and be a better person.” The only thing I was not so sure was - WHEN and WHERE. But I have made an effort in the HOW. So, first thing that really striked me was – my achievement in UMS. I knew it before that it is my only ticket to achieve something greater after UMS. So in my third year, I worked really hard. I doubled my effort and of course I kept my distance from people because I was starting focusing on myself and my study. I didn’t mean keeping distance as stop being friends with others but I put a limit to my social life and entertaintments. I gave more time to my study and prepare for whatever comes in the future. That was my goal. With God’s blessing, I have achieved what I want in UMS. I felt glad that I went to KL for my internship training in April-June because it opened my option and with the help of few others in KL, I am now HERE.

Whatever happened to me in UMS, it was a blessing in disguise. I regret none of it. Those who had helped me in making my dreams come true – Eechi, Vero, Chris, Joanna, Clarice, Annie and Ray – THANK YOU!! I acknowledged everything that you have ever done to me. Joanna and ClariceThanks for helping me out with my studies, u two had been so great to me. Eechi Thanks for being so understanding and so helpful to me. Tho’ we both know what happened to us at the end of our 2nd year, but I’m glad things got back to how it used to be. ChrisThanks for being there when I was in need. I think it’s time we move on with our life. In future to come, you will know why things happened and it’s for the better, I know you knew it. RayI really hoped you see what the advantages you have in your life and be optimistic about it. Everyone else who is not named here – thank you too.

Some say I am less friendly now? That’s just a label for a personality right? Well, let’s just say I may be less kind at heart now according to your own definition, nevertheless I have to remind myself – I really have to be more focused now. I am alone here in peninsular and if I still have that nature of mine (being so kind whatsoever), I don’t think I can survive in this chaotic life HERE. So the only thing Im supposed to really look upon is – my LIFE, FUTURE and Happiness to come.

I still want to thank that someone who really changed me in terms of looking at life in different perspective. Without this important person, I will not be as strong as what I am now. Now, I can see the different side of life. A person who was once called me a pain in the ass is actually the one who held out the hand to help me escape from the deepest hole I ever fell into.

These were the things I wanted to say but couldn’t say it to anyone. Maybe some may found this hurtful but that was not what I wanted to show here. This is the fact that everybody must now – people changed and that’s how they learn the tricks of life. Whether we like it or not, we have to move on. That is the only way to heal the pain. Trust me.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

How i really need to be "au fait"...

Lately, my nights become my wakeful moments and the days become my sleeping time.. I should ask myself, what’s happening to me? I am still not done with my second draft of my proposal.. im so disappointed with myself.. usually I am quick and systematic but nowadays I have been quite slow and neglectful of my responsibilities… I guess I need some new breath to start focusing on what matter the most…

It’s true what jaffri had said to me about being in control… Jaff, I think I have to agree with you… I realize that when I was in KK, tho’ things had been quite hard for me but at least I was in control… I finished my work on time, no delaying whatsoever.. I always find time to do my work and to relax… but here i am, time is all mine and nobody is bugging me so here I am using the maximum of my time…… playing around and being so languid myself??? – how disappointing is that??!!….

Now, I really have to sit down and make myself au fait… but wait let me finish with this post first…

Erda is still in Sabah and she left her car here for me to use while she’s not around. Tributes to her car that now I am more familiar with Kajang and Bangi area… Last Sunday, I sent one of my hsemate to KLIA together with 3 of my hsemates who wanted to tag along… we left after midnight and at first we couldn’t find the toll that will lead us to KLIA highway… we were going in circle, going in Bangi and coming out from Kajang and going in Bangi again… so basically all 5 of us don’t know how to get to the toll… we were lucky that we met a roadblock. We took the chance to ask the police guy how to go to KLIA.. After checking my IDs and license, one of the man showed us the road… We took a U-turn and took the 12 O’clock junction at the roundabout… and went straight, follow the signboards which lead us to Bangi plaza toll… so from there it was easy to know the road to KLIA.. On our way back, I took the wrong exit from the highway, so I called Tharmaindra who was aware of the trip and asked him about the road… He says that I should drive until I reach KLIA toll and then take the exit junction to Bangi. So I had to turned back to KLIA – and let me tell you, to turn back to KLIA was not a short distance.. so can you imagine how much fuel and time I have wasted… but lucky we hit the highway again until we reached the KLIA toll and follow the signboards to Bangi and back to our place… Phew~~ it was fun, I really had fun..

Listening to spiritual songs and I really miss doing rosary prayers with my friends in KML, we used to have some quiet moments of prayers.. a gesture of peace is now swamping all over my body… I want to feel alive again…

Okay, ive been downloading stuff from the internet and spywares became so friendly with me… I dunno how to get rid of them.. tho’ it can be useful at times but I hate pop-up blocks…

Today is the last day of puasa, Selamat Hari Raya to all my friends who are celebrating it.. Maaf Zahir Batin…

These are another pictures taken while we had our supper in KLIA..

From left :- Lana, Me, Meng and Yan

From Left :- Lana, Me, Meng and Jenny

A simple thing call "choices"

i was going thru a test today and made me realize a few stuff about my life and how i actually lived my life.. there was this questionaire and of course if you want to get an accurate result you have to be honest with yourself.. so okay, there i was answering the questions one by one but one question really striked me to curiosity of my performance as a person... the question went like :-

Q: when you need someone to talk to (friends&family), what are the thing that u usually tell them

1. Sadness
2. happiness
3. Boredom
( i cant remember the rest of the options... but these are basically the important ones)
i wish i can pick number 2... but obviously it was not true... how about number 3? well, it was not like i feel bored because im always up for something, doesnt matter if it benefits me or not... so yes... it was number 1... and again im so dissapointed with myself... i shouldn't always be on the pessimistic side.. but how can i get rid of sadness when it is inevitable right? but there are few wisdom i heard from somewhere i really forgot where i heard it from, i think it was from one of the emails forwaded by one of my contacts the saying goes like "it's us who make the choices. we can choose to be happy or sad today. you can choose to be angry and to be rude to people" if you look at it at every angle, it is true that life is all about choices.. the only thing is, you really have to wait until all the cards are laid on the table and see what you can do about it..

i went out with Jaff and azfar last thursday, and it was so much exciting than i ever thought...of course they never changed and im glad that things between the three of us never changed like how it was before - Azfar with his smiley face and Jaff with his crappy mode... :):):)

we had a nice dinner at Domino's, good conversations and a good movie.. Speaking of movie, im really sorry jaff that i kept on hitting you everytime the stunts make me jump.. i have to advice you not to sit next to me when watching football because i can be quite a jumpie u know... :)

here are the pictures that i took... let's take a look at it :) :)

The handsome Mr. crappy - jaffri - so called eligible bachelor but he's already taken... :):):)

me and azfar... check out his smiley face... :):):)

so that was all the interesting part happened to me lately... i might feed you some stories with more wisdom the next time i update my blog... hope you enjoy every bit of this post, tho' it was not much actually...

it's really late now, i gotta hit the bed... Bon nuite, mon ami/amie... thanks for visiting my blog :):):):)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

"The MeTapHoriCL of LiFe"


Have you ever experience the love that only God can give you? the love of a daughter to her father... Why is it that only tears i could give to him? In my whole life, ive been telling around "I want to be happy"...yet why is it not enough to make myself happy?? Is happiness lies within other people's happiness?? Why is it so hard to keep away hatred? why is so hard to learn your mistake and try to improve instead of blaming others for hurting you...

Why do people go on saying life is 'unfair'? Is God deliberately put us in this situation? Having faith and putting hopes, most importantly beseige yourself with love for yourself and others...

Fears are all im having for the future ahead of me... I am strong, always will. But my fears for whatever in front of me is out of my control.... The UNKNOWN, the remaining blanks.... the vision is too unclear...it's too unpredictable - YET i neet to be strong.... i have to be independant - and that is the conquest of life - to stand with my own two feet without crying at daddy's leg, begging for a petty..

Why is it hard to make people understand that this is my LIFE?? i have the right to choose whoever i want to be with and whoever i want to be nice with.... please please do not interfere because the beast in me couldn't stand it.. Don't come and apologize to me but try to improve your life instead and start learning yourself to understand others... Sizes are meant to be different between all of us - but do not try my size but try to fit in your own size and be comfortable with it and let not others disturb your comfort and contentment in return...

I might say goodbye to this rage, the dissapointment and the frustration of being a failure myself... and i know one day, i will find the light and with this light, i might light it to others so they will stay on track.. i will not give a pat to their shoulder and say "hey, this is the right path"... instead my light will only make it easier for you to choose your own path...your life is your life and my life is my life...

to those who really care for me, thank you very much...
to those who tried to understand me before making any judgement, i know God has given me an angel like you to make me understand the meaning of trust and love...

For all this, im gonna rest now... im gonna put away this sadness and let God help me carry the burden because i cant stand any longer...

so long my friends, till we meet again..

Friday, October 21, 2005

My "Between-reality-and-absurdity" LiFe...

Ive just read thru Jaff’s blog today, credits given to Cindy for reminding me. Sorry Jaff, ive been neglecting my blog for such a long time already and I dun really have time to update myself with ur blog…. But im not worried about you jaff, u seemed to know how to handle things effortlessly… That’s more important ryte…

Well, I haven’t really put into details about my life here…I mean yes to put it like – “how good life has been” – ive done tat in the previous post, ryte? But when it comes to emotional awareness, its more complicated than that..

I have realized that, ive been keeping stuff to myself a lot… and somehow it’s hurting me but it feels good when nobody actually know about you and you don’t have to worry about any attachment… I duno - ive been keeping my distance from everybody… I do appreciate friendship but somehow friendship scares me to death… and I don’t want any complication anymore. It’s been really really tough for me and I really want to have a better life so I can make this place a better place to be…

I wish the tears that I had before I came here will be the last tears of sadness for me… it has been really painful for me – imagine how agonizing it is when your dad is in the hospital and your family is breaking apart, not forgetting about the peer pressure you have to go through and also the unexplainable financial constraint… it’s too much to take – there ive said it here at last!!! I wish not to repeat this again…

MY DAD – he has been my everything – my spirit, my love, my happiness, my inspiration, my peace, my strength. He went for angiogram a week ago and they found that he is not fit for the operation so they send him back to Sabah and now that he has to fully depend on medication – and only miracles can help him *sigh* ….. I really want to go back – so much – to see my dad.. The memory before I leave the hospital for airport is still playing in my head… My dad saw me crying like a baby in the balcony because of the unpleasant goodbyes I had at home before coming to the hospital to see my dad… he knew I was hurting so he came to me and persuaded me with his eyes welling up with tears… we hugged and cried together for all the heartache we shared together… I just can’t stop crying and with my mom crying like she will never see me again – THAT IS SO PAINFUL…… I refused to go back – not for my own egoism but the circumstances im at…it’s difficult to explain and I would like to skip the details… as long as my dad understand me, that’s enough….

MY FAMILY – The unpleasant view suddenly appear in my head and I really pray for the peace in my family…. I couldn’t stand seeing the explosion of rage in each of them – each has their own dissatisfactions and disappointments towards each other – some very indisposed of forgiving each other… im glad that now I don’t have to see it anymore…

PEER PRESSURE – when it comes to this, disappointment suddenly wash over me… YES, I do have a lot of friends… but those that really understand me and willing to understand can be reckoned with only ONE HAND….. and so disappointing when u found out that they had made their own Judgement by just observing your actions – is that what you call “concern for a friend”… That’s what I call “Bullshit”….
Friend, in definition, is never to judge them but try to understand them and make them comfortable… because all of us has a different size of shoes, I cant be in your shoe, neither do you… so you cant exactly comprehend with what they feel abt things and why they do stuff like that… This is what I see in some people, so childish and so immature… yet im not here to judge other people too…like I said, its important to understand others without expecting them to understand you too… so im just gonna let this go with the flow… I have nothing against anyone and I am glad that now I am all by myself and I have to keep my distance so I wont get hurt anymore… but that does not mean I can’t help others or care for others… I will still show my concern by helping others but sorry, I can’t always say YES to you… at times, I need my space…

And now my life here… how do I really feel about this place?? Well, like what I have told you before, everything has been good to me… He has given me more than what I have asked.. Frankly, I am not used to have a good problem-free kind of life… so I was thinking there must be a catch somewhere – but im not being pessimistic here… im saying this because I want to remind myself that I have to be prepared for whatever that may come in the future… I may not always sit on a comfortable couch, at times I have to sit on thorny surface… whatever it is, I must pray and be thankful for the goodness ive been receiving and ask for strength when things get tough…

Yes Jaff, I am content with my life now….. thank you jaff – your statement really make my tears so ready to be given out – but I have to be strong – and thank you for understanding… so far, you have been one of the few person that actually make me feel belong and comfortable…

Monday, October 17, 2005

ToO faSt tOo FuRiouS

hey guysss....im back!!!!!!

i just got my streamyx line today... i am soooOOoOoOo happy.. it's 1.0mb some more...let me tell ya, its fast and i am so furioussss!!!!!!! but oh well, i can smile and laugh now...give me a month and see what's my expression after getting the bill....hahahahah

there's so much for me to tell and now i dont know which to tell but worse still, i dunno how to start...its a bit awkward tho' ....

well let me start on my new place... i mean let's start on UKM first... the place is of course not as big as UMS and not as outstanding as it look compare to UMS... im not being bias or anything here... well, those UMSians, i guess u know how to do a judgement on this kan... but dont ever judge based on its cover... the lecturers there are very helpful...willing to go one-by-one for you... but of course you have to show your effort and your determination to them and you have to be really hardworking. im done going through my project and i have finished with the flow chart and its details. I have shown to my supervisor all the labworks that i proposed to do for this project... im quite suprise myself how fast i did the first part...and now that i have this fast connection at home, i have no reason not to finish my proposal in 2 weeks time. i love it when i have so many things to do and no time to think about other things such as problems etc... In my lab, there are only two of us, and both of us a girl...but i can get along well with Kak Noni. she is a very nice and gentle person. im very much comfortable talking to her and doing things with her. We have another lab that i can easily access to at anytime. Stanley, the phd student, Aizat, the 1st year master student and Thong the part time master student are the PR of the lab... and they are supernice, superfriendly and superhelpful to me. I tot' that competition is very much hight here. but looking at these people in my lab, i guess i dun have to worry abt such thing as competition whatsoever... and the BEST part is my co-supervisor is a dean... so can u imagine how lucky i am to get a dean as my co-supervisor... Whenever i want to discuss anything with him, he will go all the way just to help me... he even went around all the labs just to solve my problems.. The student's gazes were all following his movement with me as the tail.. :) :)

ok that's about UKM...now let me tell you abt my lodging.. Im staying in an area called Hentian Kajang which is very much convenient for me... u can get almost everything here... u name it, UKM bus, restaurants, hp shop, pc shop, laundry shop, grocery shop, kfc - in short, i dun have to go to Kajang or Bangi town to get what i want... except for entertainment of course... and my house - 4 sabahans including me and a swkian... and they are not the people like i used to see or meet.. they are hardworking, trouble-free and they dun have big mouth.. most of them are the soft-spoken type and very easy to get along with.. and the house some more, it feels like home.. we have almost everything here...

to be cont'd

Thursday, August 25, 2005

My First-time AcciDent!!!

Gawd, Im a dead man!! i hit a Kancil today in the middle of a stupid traffic jam. It happened right after i dropped my brother in front of GSC, and was thinking of going straight to UMS. Ive been waiting for the chance to go to UMS and meet everyone in IPB, but then luck was not on my side today.

Im not a reckless driver, but no matter how good your driving skills are, it doesnt mean we are always lucky and safe when we're on the road. I saw the Kancil but was not aware of his sudden halt. I was trying to hit the main road but since everyone was rushing and 'kedekut' i had to press it down and grab the chance to turn to the main road... While looking at the traffic on my right side, i forgot about the car right in front of me and didnt manage to hit the break when i saw his sudden brake lights and that moment i heard a 'bang' sound and the Kancil in front was pushed to the front like a meter away from its original position. A man came out from the car and by looking at his expression, i know he was angry. I went like "Oh shit, this is money!"

so i jumped out from the car and face him like a brave lady, i controlled my panic. i saw the damage of my brother's car and the guy's Kancil. It was not that bad. But this stupid guy went on like a madcap, like the world does not matter anymore and all he can think about was his stupid Kancil. I chose not to make a scene in front of the people and the cars on the road. Cars starting to double up its numbers so we went to Asia City and parked there.

He called all his friends, i think five of them. Damn it, i didnt know who to call. So i informed my brother. He came and said nothing, so it wasnt much of a help, i was on my own, arguing with these 4-5 guys. i almost lose it when one of the guy's friend took my driving license. i thought he just wanted to check whether im a legal driver but the minute i showed my license to him, he grab it and said he's keeping it until we settled everything. I was so angry and said that He cant do that. How can i move around town if he took my license right. so in exchange, i had to give him my IC. I know it was still a stupid idea but i need to drive here and there, so my license is more important at that time.

The best part was, he asked me to pay cash on the spot. I asked him how much he wants, he said a thousand. I told him im not stupid because it wont be that much. He went on saying that its a new car, and he need to change this and that, and repaint it even though it wasnt that bad. i have to act smart, tho i was still stupid for giving them my IC.

Maybe you will ask me, why not report to the police, the thing is, i planned not tell me brother that i jacked his car. The guys are rushing for a football match, so we promised to settle it by tomorrow.

This is a nightmare to me. eventhough it was a 'first-gear' accident, the damage was not that bad but still its my first time. and the first time will not be forgotten...so morale for today...drive carefully you guys... dun ever think the roads are yours. and another thing is, even tho' somebody hit your car, do not think that they are stupid, no matter how small they are to you. Anyway, the guy is not that tall too, maybe 5cm taller than me, so still i have a chance to win if he wants to do one-on-one.....hahhah *LOL*, im joking....

Monday, August 22, 2005

The beautiful creation of "F.E.L.L.I.E"

-Written by GOD-


i created you this way and made you a beautiful person. To this beautiful creation, i give some gifts for you to carry as a guideline which is love,faith and hope so that life will be beautiful and peaceful for you.
Please don’t take this as a burden for you to carry. Instead, take it as a gift from your lovingly Father. My creation is always based upon my unconditional love. Nobody is perfect, so you don’t have to be perfect to love Me and your neighbours. Be as what ive built you to be, for it will bear fruit according to my plan. I know this gift has given your complexitiex in life but you will see soon that you are worthy of my gift. People will look at you as a symbol of love and passions.

Accept life as what it has to be and go through all the obstacles for you may find beauty beneath it. I am giving you a quest in which you may find dark tunnels, crossroads, dark alleys and maybe some painful events but at the end of this quest you will find a key. This key is to open a small box which I have already prepared for you. I have to give you this quest to prove that you are worthy of my gift. This small box is what I called the ‘greatest achievement’. Because of this box, you will have purpose in life. So don’t give up because this box has your name on it, it means that it is yours as long as you find the key.

You are never alone. Maybe sometimes you may think that I abandon you but I am always there guiding you as you go along this quest. Like I said, I have provided you the most important securities – Love, Faith and Hope.

Do not cry when things get rough, save your tears for the small box that you may receive from me. Remember Fellie, start your journey with Love, and bring Faith together with you because Hope is always before you to make sure you will keep going. They are the security of your being.
You can always talk to me before you sleep or even when you are driving. I am always here and my angels will watch over you every second of the day. Good luck.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

pinch me plsss... so i'll say OucHH!!

just came back from work. i just noticed my resignation today. 29 more days to come and i will officially end my employment in Havana. im so tired right now but i just cant get myself to sleep. so many things bugging my head now. i wish i can just let it vanish by listening to music or playing my guitar but it didnt work..

so here i am... and i know ive stopped blogging for quite a long time.. my laptop isnt helping either so now im using the desktop, the connection is a bit faster with this one.

well, lotsa things happened lately. some are happy things and some are totally giving me these soreness to endure. i learned a lot too these days. my dad was sick again, but lucky he's back to normal now. he fainted the day i received a gud news from a lecturer in UKM asking me if im still interested in doing my master project under her supervision. i was so happy that i got a place there. but i forgot the small things that's gonna make my decision a hard thing to make. hmm, there's financial problem. family problem. etc etc. i know ure hearing the same thing again so let me skip the elaboration this time.

but right now, i have this huge thing in my head and no matter how hard i try to filter it out, it is still remain unresolved. so never mind, let it stay there. arghhh, pls pinch me.... i need to wake up from this nightmare.

few months ago, ive been making some good songs which is too bad i wont let you guys hear it. it's only for me to hear. hehhe. the first song was about a girl who's having miseries in her life but she has strong passions for her dreams and she believe she's gonna make it in the end. the other song was about this person who was so frustrated of her/his relationship failure and is trying very hard to figure out how to get out from the pain. the third song was about two person falling in love because they share the same dream and getting along really well. i know they suck but i love the tune. soft and gentle. *obviously im running out of topic* help me out here....

well, i think i'll just stop here..my brain is draining now.... if i continue, u will lose interest..so might as well just put a full stop here...

gudnite everyone, sweet dream.

Monday, August 01, 2005

speaking of a new life...let's find out what im up to ryte now...

hmmm.... now, we are approaching the month of august... im pretty suprised how fast the time flies. i just got my first salary today. it's not much but im satisfied with it. tomorrow im gonna check my LI result and it's gonna be it. i really hope that my result stays or maybe even better than what i received abt a month ago.

ultimately, my life has changed. im going into a different direction. I thought i will never change. but i am now. heard a lot of "uve changed lie" from my friends. and im glad, at least i managed stepped up to a new life. now, it's adapting time. i did reduced a lot of my old activities. i dun even know what's the latest movie showing in the cinema now, unless i have the chance to read daily express. everytime i open the news, my interest was always on the daily horoscope and the job ads.

i am now having 2 jobs. teaching and serving ppl.

just got back from work abt an hour ago. now its already 2am. wow, im still wide awake.

i have so much to say here but im using my sister's viao now. this thing is too small that im having a hard time to type and to read. so im gonna make this fast. wait till i have the chance to go ums and log in. im getting a streamyx soon. supposedly. but since im having some internal probs at home, the plan is delayed for a week now. and now also,i learn to puff. some ppl found it very dissapointing. but dun worry, it will go away soon. im not planning to stay on it. and that doesnt mean that im turning to a hoo-haa girl either. in fact, i am now a homely person. always stay at home except for going to work, church and ums. only sometimes i will go to shop to buy things like reload etc. seeeee, im cutting off my old lifestyle. hehehehheheheheheheh.... so dun make ur own judgement that fast. im still learning and make mistakes along the way.

sorry that i cant share much with u guys here. i will update my blog again when i have a stable connection at home.

but one thing i learned so far abt life. we have to live based on some philosophical facts, this is what i learned by reading thru my sister's archives the other day. let me give u the details later ok.

i gotta go now. gotta put my eyes to rest. my body needs some 'energy-restoration' too. heheheh.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

say hi to my new life

hey people...
it has been a while since my last post.....and i dun really have any direction of writing so im just gona go with the flow...

ive been here for almost 3 weeks now since my arrival from KL... and what i can really interprete of what's going on here is that.... life is gettin tougher and tougher each day... it's no more like looking at the moon with ur loved ones or stroll along the beach, hand in hand with ur loved ones...tho' u may feel that if ure really in it... it's just a figure of speech dear, so let's go on with the stories in my head...

when i was in KL, i learned to be independant, to do things alone.. to cry and let no one bothers you at night with the walls wrapping around you. i know it was tough back then, i mean you are alone and it's nothing wrong with that. sometimes i like to be alone but its just that, i never been like in that moment before. so alone and feel so small in the room, tho' the room is less than 10 feet square. well, fifa is just next door but i duno, i dun feel like disturbing others. im trained that way, not to disturb or invite yourself to ppl's house. :) so there i was. all alone and sometimes have to skip dinner. i thought i was going thinner but i wasnt *chuckle*, the percentage of my body fat maintain.

but when i came back, it was normal for few days...u know like you trying to catch up everything you have left and it seemed like fun...but when days went by, everything started to change gradually and reveal it's true colors. it's like i brought some nasty curse to this place, and it makes me suffer. well, its just a figure of speech, again.

I miss my friends. it's just that, for now, i cant go out and socialize like i used to be anymore. i have to think about my future. what am i gonna do next? just sit around at home doing nothing and wait for the money to come to you? no, only a toad do that. im not a toad, so i went on few alternatives. first, went and meet dr jualang regarding to his offer for me to continue my study on drug discovery under him, collaborating with IMR. Secondly, i went to promenade the other day and applied for job. well, now still waiting for their answer. if they reject me, there's always another alternatives. hmmm, i have to think far now. my friends cant believe what im doing right now. well, it's other ppl's life anyway. this is my life. all the hardships i have to go through alone, so im all by myself now. but dun worry dear reader, im not saying that im suffocating to death now. it's just that things had been hard for me these days. and i need to be strong and willing to sacrfice. and at this moment, i remember all my friends. all the favor they did to me. it's feels like my tears are falling when i remember them all, the good times we had. i never forget that....

i really hope that luck is on my side now. im praying so hard right now so God give me His blessings upon me. im gonna be strong. im gonna be a new person and im gonna sacrifice all the things that i have now to achieve something in life. i will not moan or whine or whimp, instead i will work harder for a better life in future. im gona do this my friend. say bye to all the memories in my head, all the usual stuff i do in my life, and now say hi to my new life. dun worry dear friends. im still gonna be me, the only difference is, im gonna be stronger and more independant.

dear all, i love you all always. never will i forget all the good things and good memories we had together. so the only thing im gonna say to you all is that "go far for your dreams and live life to the fullest"


Sunday, June 12, 2005

A story of a burger i love

I love my burger. The first time I tried it, I fell in love with it. I never had enough of its taste. If Im going out, I must find the burger because im too attached to it, I must have it. At least one bite and I’ll be happy? But how come the burger does not taste like the first time I tasted it? How come it becomes tasteless now when I am so attached to it? Where did my burger go? Please, I want the same burger that I had for the first time. Burger, please come back to me.

Well, the story sounded weird right? Who will go crazy about food like that? Ooops, made mistake. Almost everyone had gone crazy for food because we need food in our life. But what im trying to say here is that. Why when we start to enjoy having something especially when we had gone through a lot of hardships in getting it, and the moment when we have it in our hands, we have to say goodbye to it? Now, life is being unfair here!

These words keeps repeating in my head as if it deserved to be there…
And so I let it play in my head, let it stay there as long as it can be…..

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine.

you look so beautiful tonight
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I’m in your reach
You held me in your hands
But could you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces
And again the chorus keeps reversing in a circle without a sign of ceasing out…
hurts my ear…
Reaching my hands out from this so call suffocation….
Oh well, why do I even bother this *sarcasm*
It’s not like my life will end here….

Then, just go away…….
Don’t stay in my head...
Don’t come back, you useless memory!!
You do me no good….so go away!!!!

And that was a slight anger in me….. reminds me of some selfish people…. Who needs you when you benefit them….

Go away, you useless cow!!!!
Don’t help me with my memory…
I don’t need you here like you’re helping me coping with my problems
I better off alone, you useless cow!!!!
Don’t come back, you useless cow!!! If you are a girl, I would have given you a name -B**CH!!!!

So again… the song repeats its chorus until it shows no more anger in the voice…
The voice in my head is breaking off now… it’s like this light coming to your eyes… and you feel nothing…… then u give your last breathe and you meet the ONE…. And that’s how you cross the bridge which will lead you to another world…
And that’s when you have to say “Bye, I am on my way to Eden garden”

This on going story with unrelated issues being put together and gave you this huge regrets in your life….. why do I even care *sarcasm*

Well….let me go to my Father….He’ll know how to take care of me…. So I will be cleaned again, like a newborn baby, covered with a shiny white cloth….


Sounds scary? That’s only the imagination that I like to have :) pretending that you are suffocating, and the hormone goes up…. Making the brain active and forced it to work and produce a nice output, which will give effect to other’s life….

Trust me people, this is how those masterpieces were made by great people…
Their living, emotion and feelings, the tragedy and the miseries are what gave them the inspirations……

My idea is that, when you are feeling something…try to let it out into words… you will make a good piece out of it….

everyone can be a writer…make use of whatever you have at hands….
Good luck….

Monday, June 06, 2005

unexpected journey...

Listening to an inspirational music again, and the music was beautiful that it makes me wanna write something since everything in my head is just so wonderful, so full of words…even now as I type, the words, the memories I had, everything seemed to be flowing in my head like the river flows endlessly towards the end…

Well, what really goes in my head was actually all the things that had happened to me during my stay in KL. It was really something to talk about, I think I can even write a book about it. I have to admit that ive learned a lot so far, really a lot that I wanna thank God for bringing me here, to this strange city which I first hate it and curse it for giving me a hard time to adapt. As time goes, the experience kept on updating my space of memories. It’s true that you really need to look at the bright side to be happy. We shouldn’t wait for the good things to come by. Instead we are the one who seek for it and maybe none of us realize this that WE are actually the good thing here if we really want it coming. I do experience a lot of ups and downs and there are times that I really put all my burden to chris, thinking that it might help me little bit. But I realized that escape isn’t going to solve the miseries I had. I have to face it, go through it then I can say goodbyes to it. So okay, there I was again, taking my own time, cleaning my room, do my laundry, arranging my stuff in the room. As I am doing all the chores, my head is moving too. Thinking of the good things that happened to me lately and filtered out all those bad things to extract only the good things. To shorten it up, I was thinking at the bright side. I feel a big oxygen coming through my lung and cleanse out the dirt and that’s when feel alive again.

Okay, let me take one thing at a time. Firstly will be my practical in IMR. Well, I met new people of course and ive learned the working environment and it sure wasn’t the same as attending classes as well as the way you socialize in that community zone. It’s totally different from the way you fit yourself in campus life. It was so much different and I may say that I would prefer campus life much more but that’s what life is, to move on and learn new things in life. Maybe you have to let go the good things to grow up. As a non-malay girl from Sabah, I was thinking twice how am I gonna survive in malays environment, it’s like “are they going to accept me for who I am?” and it gave this big gap for me to reach them but that’s not what I found in IMR. There is not even a gap between us. For once here, Cik Laila, the best co-supervisor I ever had in IMR, not forgetting Cheah. Both of them were such an angel to me. They treated me well, sometimes they have to be strict when it comes to getting the jobs done but outside work, they are more like a friend. They like to kid around with us, making us feel like home. It was so much fun then. I would like to repeat that my supervisor, the big boss in my unit, is a superb…she’s a lady yet she has all the talents a man should have. She is smart, funny, friendly and she looks much younger than her age. Cik laila said maybe it is because of the way she is, she’s always happy around people, giving out smile is never a problem to her. Im glad to have met her, she is the best boss you can ever have. Even cik Laila would admit all the qualities she had as an employer. She even pay for your food if you go out with her and there is this time when we were invited to one of the staff’s wedding and few of us had to bring car. Believe it or not, my boss paid for their fuels and tolls as well. That is not only generous but it was something so unbelievable. I mean maybe most employers do that, but I guess in this case, she is worth the credits. My team mates, Pui Yee, Roshan, Ridzhan, and Zairi. We made a great team too although Roshan came joined our unit a bit later, but still we had so much fun. Everyday we had meals together and sometimes we do go out as a team. Ridzhan and Zairi, tho’ they are not as gentleman as other guy I knew but they are nice, helpful and yes they made my day wonderful. Well Zairi is a different story. He’s the quiet type but I guess he had to drop that ‘official title’ when I am around. Well for once there, I like to bug him and talk to him. He really put up with my attitude, you know, sometimes I can be quite annoying but he never showed that he is ungrateful to have known me. In fact, he played along. Only one thing I dislike about him is that he likes to burb… TO MY FACE!! And always I have to scold him for that and he will always laugh, not feeling sorry or ashamed of it. But oh well, that’s his trademark that I shall remember forever :) and ridzhan…I like to call him ‘boroi’ because he’s the one with a prosperous tummy, you know what I mean. He’s funny and he likes to bully us. But when it comes to helping, well, he is accountable and hardworking. Nothing much I wanna say about him, I usually hate him…hahahha, I mean, oh well… I dun hate him as u know, the real “HATE”… it was just an expression as to show how he is in the real life, ANNOYING!!!! Ahahha, that’s more like a suitable word for him, I really hope he would read this and I know he will laugh his HEAD OFF!!! Pui Yee, well, she is the one that always go with “yes, let’s bang him!” and she’s a good helper when it comes to ‘kenakan’ one person. Roshan would be the novel-reader hardcore. You’ll see her every week with different title of novels and when we have no lab work to do, she’ll spend all her free time reading her novels like a maniac. I always have to drag her out from her own world and join the fun. It’s always go like this :

ME: Roshan, snap out of it, let’s play something, you read when me and Pui Yee is out of here.

And you know how she reacted to that???? She will turn her head to me and smile and go back to the book again…. I tell ya, she is really a bookworm.

Ok that’s about work so far.

Let me tell you another story of my KL experience. And it would be about the friendship that i hv while i was in kl, and believe it or not, I have created my own empire here with different divisions. They are what I call my zones of friends...

2 b cont'd....

my dear besfriends....

my dear besfriends...., originally uploaded by fellie.

the assemblance of the pictures we took that day and these are among all my fav pics..met neena, mavis and ass that night to plan for Belle's bday... it's my first trial on this whatever art you should call.. but that Alex and Gloria are a mistake...no biggie...

Friday, June 03, 2005

my passion sunday....

sunday, originally uploaded by fellie.

this is me, with prakash's wife, at starbux!!!!

i was practicing my fingers on barcodes... it was one of the best experience i ever had in my guitar life

Thursday, June 02, 2005

my passion... my guitar LiFe!!!

How does it feel when you are really getting yourself to it but you’re just not good enough for it, it’s like this huge thing that you’re missing and you suddenly don’t deserve the good thing that should be coming out from you… it’s like you worked really hard for it, and the only price that you get is… the pain. I should have warned you before, that this life can be so unfair sometimes… *these are getting somewhere, dude* sorry im gonna bore you again…but this is what I do.. write about my boring life, a fabrication of whatsoever you call it.

And if I tell you why I said this, you would be laughing your heart out right after I tell you the continuity of this little tale of mine…

Oh well, everyone knows I love playing guitar. I mean, c’mon, it’s my passion… and I wish I could be at least do something about it… oh gawd, ive met few dudes that are too good at it, it’s like when they play, they own the music, the whole thing. It’s a superb to have that feeling when you can just whack the music, and it turned out to be “wow, it’s beautiful!!” Why can’t I be like that kinda guy, who can wickedly play guitar like a madcap and still it gave off a very nice music to hear about….
Oh gawd, im off the wall now…ive got few “yeah, you’re good at it!” but oh well, that’s just the way people talking but I want to have something else…something I dun feel shy to show it off to people. Hey, im not talking craps now, big price here!!!! Oh well, I do play music for people, like during Sundays, for the children at church. And that’s the only thing im capable of? So what’s this talent for anyway? When Auntie Julia asked me to play guitar for caroling and in front of bunch of parents and kids, I went crazy and these saying went on an on again “no, im not good for it! I cant do it!”… it’s not because I don’t want to do it, it’s because I really can’t. I’m not good enough for it. I know im a coward, oh well. That suits the description of ME. It’s disappointing, really.

I just finished watching the Roswell, season 3 episode 8, and at the end of episode 8, Maria was singing with her guitar and oh God, she’s so good at it. I mean her voice. Eventhough it doesn’t sound like Mariah Carey or even Kelly Clarkson but everything is in place, with the tunes, the music and the vocal and the attitude. Oh, I pity myself at that very moment I was witnessing an unforgiving catastrophe of my guitar life!!!

I guess my life now has slightly changed when I met prakash, oh gawd, everyone, you should meet him. He’s very sweet, funny, nice, a gentlemen I would call. He taught me the secret of guitar and how to get it right. And im sure im improving myself now. He deserved all the credits from me…. He taught me all the barcodes and how to remember them all. Wow, it was just wow to have him in my guitar life…. Thank you God, you have been answering my prayer. God, you have no idea how happy I am with it. God bless me……………………………..

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

one slight moment...im writing from my mind...

it's lunch time...

but before i even begin..let's read the poem that suddenly flow into my head at this very minute...

Gazing at the empty spaces in my room
Feeling like the world is close to doom
Making my life a total misery
Offering my fate to all the cries

Nightmares engulfed my very sleep
Mourning over days like a lost sheep
Feeling useless but why do I care
Tasting the pain, what so unfair…..

These are my cries for my everyday
Worshiping darkness, I am the lady…
Why do I write this im so unsure
But look at my heart that is fairly pure…

dun ask me why i wrote those...i was actually playing the rhymes and it turned out to be... scary??? heheheheh...im very good at making things a bit creepy.... but dun worry...there are just words...

Monday, May 23, 2005

uNknOwN GeStUrE

spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on,
But I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete


DARN i got a 3 past years to do, two lecture notes to revise and two revision exercise to ace..

WHAT a wonderful WORLD..*sarcasm* asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete


DARN i got a 3 past years to do, two lecture notes to revise and two revision exercise to ace..

WHAT a wonderful WORLD..*sarcasm*


today is monday...
I hate mondays...usually i hate mondaysss because monday means the first day of the week and that means you have to get up early to get to work...and the feeling to go to work is so awful that you regret it your whole life...

but today... it was one of the most wonderful monday i ever had... first thing is because it's HOLIDAY!!!! and i dun have to get myself out of bed that early... i slept at 5am last night, reading a novel called "walk to remember"... actually i had a second thought of reading that book when i flipped into the pages few days ago and found the story to be damn slow and dull... reminds me of the movie i went with my supervisor last thursday, an indonesia movie which has no climax at all.

i know in my previous post, i was cursing about my unlucky days at the beginning of the week but the weekend ended up wonderfully...well, it was nothing to brag about... just that i got to know more people (2 girls) on last friday when eechi was on the way to my place. actually these two girls are working in starbuck as a full time worker, and they are a year or more younger than me, seriously. and i ruined the conversation by asking one of them a stupid question;

Me: are you a part timer in starbuck?
Ita: Nope, full time. I have no life. Starbuck is my second home and they are my family, my life.

i was silent for a moment and at the same time regretting for my unawareness of asking that stupid question because prakash had told me like few times she's the manager in starbucks, and that means she had been working there for long, as a full timer. I let out a sigh and cursing in silence. but lucky she was cool about it. she took us (me, prakash and caroline) to a mamak stall near my place. Ita is 21 or 22 and Caroline was a lot younger than all of us there, she's only 19 or 20. and i found out that she's one of Britney spear's die hard fan. but she's cute...oh yes she is. then after our light dinner, Ita sent me home. so that was friday.

Saturday came, and me and eechi made a plan to watch Star Wars with Shah...
at first, we went to times square and there are a lot of people there, i thought it was simply rare since its saturday but actually there was a competition going on that day... it was a breakdance championship competition organized and sponsored by echopark. well the competition was the kinda thing u see in "you got served" only that they dun compete in groupies and judged the winner by majority voice. one person will represent their group in each round and i only managed to see one performance because i almost cant see the stage, there are 'big' people everywhere so we gave up and went for Star Wars... we went to KLCC at last because the movie tickets for star wars in TS were filling fast... The movie turned out to be what everybody expected but not the way that i like.... ANAKIN became the bad guy???? i mean that handsome Anakin Skywalker????? he's cute for Gawd sake, and he should be the hero!!!! and padme died of childbirth...the ending was a dissapointment!!!

the next day, went to Gombak to meet Jim... and i was the one who drove my cousin's car...so announcement to everyone, i can officially tell you now, without any doubts that...i can drive around KL.... but remain as safe driver...drivers here are so reckless that they are like the monsters who gonna eat you at anytime...u just have to be aware with ur surroundings...

we were supposed to go to Bangsar that night but then because of the communication problem, we cancelled our plan... so me and eechi stayed in the room, had maggi for dinner and watched the "Super-size me" documentary. called prakash and told him i miss playing with his wife.... been missing his wife too much that i cant get enough of playing my fingers with it the last time i met her. hahahah, dun get me wrong. i was talking about his guitar, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

prakash was teasing on my habits getting up late...and that was because i slept only at 5 o'clock in the morning. i need at least 5 hrs of my beauty sleep to get my mood and my energy back... :)

so obviously now prakash had gone home, if he's not i wont be blogging here...my fingers itself will be busy on the strings and not the keyboard...

Gosh, i hate the feelings of having to wake up early tommorow for work... gawd!! i wish im still in UMS. oh well, 3 more weeks then im done here... say goodbyes to room '308'. ahhahaha, that's my room number.... :) :)

ok, gota make this fast... its almost dark here... hv to be home before 8pm.. so till future, bye.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

what an unlucky week!

this week was not my favourite week as i have encountered lotsa difficulties which caused by my own clumsiness and others too.

yes, the first one is the bathroom. the lady which is staying next to my room is responsible for it, but what happened is that... she's gone after she knew what she had done... what an old B**ch!!! so, ive been using my landlord's bathroom for few days. but they left for terengganu last night and that means "HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO TAKE MY BATH BEFORE GOING OFF FOR WORK?????!!!" the landlord suggested that i can use the upstairs toilet and first thing came to my head was that "isnt that the place where all the bangladesh stay?" .... i went up and checked on the place and it's totally not the best option. after talking to my co-supervisor about it, she said i can go early to the office the next day and use the toilet. But then, this morning when im so ready with all my toileteries to bring to the office, i went to the bathroom to use the sink (the only one that can be used except for the toilet bowl). and i saw that there's no more water stucked in the bathroom...means, the bathroom is functioning againnnnnn!!!!!! that's the best part so far...

second, i was so upset when i found out that i lost my monorail card in the office. but yes in the end, i found it HIDING in my bag.

third, i forgot to bring my umbrella the other day when it rained heavily and i know my friend can offer me to share hers but then both of us will get wet too...so i dont want to be the cause of that. that's why i offer myself to the rain. hehehhe...

fourth, i washed my mug and left it at my landlord's kitchen and now how the hell am i gonna have a hot drink in the room???!!! they will only be back after 5 days. and that means i have to buy a new mug :(

there are more to tell but i guess i better stop whining since im using the office's pc, like always. Better get ready for the POSTMORTEM

till then....

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

funny joke you should read...

as i was checking all my emails today, and found this stupid joke really funny and stupid. i think u might think the same too, that's why im putting it here so all of u can have a laugh...hehehe, a medicine for the day. Check it out people, here it is...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note there, saying: "Take all you want. God is busy watching the apples."

>>>> wut an innocent Kid!!!

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead. "

>>>> the teacher was backfired for trying to sell out the copy of the pictures...muahahahhahahahha


one day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hair white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,

"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

>>>> i think kids today are smarter...

Saturday, May 14, 2005

How to make a better world?

one more hour and im allowed to go home but then my co-supervisor asked me out for lunch and It's PIZZZZZAAAA some more, How to RESIST that???????? but then again, eechi is waiting for me in the room. I promised her that i go home early so that we can go to Sogo together, and that reminds me of that shoe in Sogo which i really want to buy. My heart is pining for it... hah, let time decide...

Cik Laila just informed me this morning before i went to animal house for dosing, that one of the lecturer in UPM is looking for a molecular student to fill up the position as RA under her,if im not mistaken i think the name is Dr. Rahmah, i mean the one who wanted to hire someone for that vacancy. oh well, been discussing with jo regarding to this matter...and tell ya, it's one of the hardest decision for me to make... its like choosing a Kelisa over a RAV4 - u know the significant differences between these two cars right. One is just a simple car, cheap maintenance and small while the RAV4 is absolutely luxurious car but then, when it comes to fuel or maintenance...it's become the most "pain-in-the-ass" expenses. *sigh*

and again i would say that time will decide everything... whether i should just go back to KK and keep my mouth shut about these whole thing or ignore all the painful feelings and go for it. *yerk* this is hard...
To chris, i know its hard for both of us...but u know my feelings for you...
well okay.... there are plans to be made tonight but it's just one of the thing that i would like to keep it as a secret and regardless to all these craps, ive finished reading the "Da Vincci Code" and it sure has the potential to trigger the faith of those who are weak...but then as i checked in the internet for some assurance of the facts made by Dan Brown - the brilliant author of ALL TIME- some referred his book as FICTION basically and some says, that book is full of craps... oh well, i dunno abt them but as a true christian, doesnt matter what the theories are or how valid are the facts made by those intellects but i certainly will stick to the bible and my faith will never change even for a bit... how about LIONEL???? i would really love to know abt his reaction to that book since he's a bit fanatic to the theory of evolution and have little faith on - CREATION - i mean he after all admit it...so i wasnt just saying that - oh well, this has got to stop......

Friday, May 13, 2005

my fRiDaY aFtErNoOn

it's friday afternoon and it's damn hot outside...just came back from Medan Tuanku and now im sweating like a pig... lucky thing the office aircond is well functioning or else, i might as well give out a pig smell..hehehee...

this morning we had an urgent meeting with all the staff...and it was all about a girl in pytochem lab who was handling chloroform in OPEN AIR and was admitted to the hospital due to the effect of the reagant!!!! so apparently, my supervisor was quite shocked and pulled out a meeting this morning regarding to Lab safety. She reminded us to take it seriously so to avoid any unwanted incidents. they had printed out all the necessary rules on paper and sticked it on almost every corner of the lab, so others might take extra precaution when handling chemical reagants.

as i have promised to myself, i went to Laza Diamond to buy a white gold pendant for my necklace, then visited Borders again. It drove me insane not being able to buy at least one book for myself. but the other part of me are telling me to save money. *sigh*

Before heading back to the office, i went back to my room in Medan Tuanku. I met an old lady, sitting at the sideways of the street selling dry food (keropok). i was reluctant to buy at first but when i see the lady's expression, i couldnt just walk away and ignore that look. so i stopped by and bought two packets of it which cost me rm4. but it's not the food that i am paying for, it was an honest gesture of helping that lady, plus those food can be eaten after all. :)

After 3 minutes of walking, i reached the staircase which will lead to the front door of my room. so like usual, i went up and went straight to my room. without wasting any more time i boiled wome water using the kettle which was actually owned by fifa. she was being so kind to lend it to me so that i wouldnt have to go through some hassle of having to buy it for my own use. hhahah, yes.... its no suprise that i had maggie and tea for lunch... i know it's a weird combination of having maggie and tea at the same time for lunch. but it was fine for me :) :) i did enjoyed my meal tho' it was way tooooo simple.... i managed to buy some stamps for future use and post my letter which will eventually reach to chris's hand...

on my way back to the Monorail station, i feel relieved to see that old lady is having more than 4 customers. at least she wasnt wasting her time sitting there. oh well, the story after that is kinda boring so i dun think it's necessary to jot down everything here. till then ya... and thanks for wasting ur time reading my blog. i will entertain you with more pictures when the time allows me ok.... :)

Thursday, May 12, 2005

hey hey hey hey hey, obviously im bored!!!!

gosh, it's already 4pm....and im bored tho' im still in the office and again the office is almost empty... probably PY, Roshan and Ridzhan are doing MTT assay with En. Dino and ive just finished with my report on IMR research activities, which is to satisfy Ridzhan who'd been asking for it since we first started doing our training here.

ooopssss, i want to continue but suddenly i feel something is not connecting to my body....wuahkkkk!!!! nature call!!!!! BIG ONE!!!!! LATERZZZZZZ.........

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

wut a slow day!!!! my office is almost empty now, few of the important staffs are still out for some important cases... and as an intern, we have to stay here still...but best of all, i Have the "Da Vincci Code" to read and fifa was right, the book is really addictive!! goodness..... i have only managed to read a quarter of it and today will be the third day of my exploration on Dan Brown's piece of art...erm, it's more to writing, oh duh! hehehehhe

so i was just reading through Shah's tip on how to chat with your contacts via friendster...and after few trials of clicking here and there, only now that i know what he meant by the nicknames with smiley face. for those who are yet to discover anything about Shah's tips, i think you can check on the bulletin Board on friendster.

I was quiet today and everybody was asking "ru having PMS?".... i chuckled everytime they asked that. I guess i enjoyed reading Da Vincci code too much and totally forgot that im still on earth! ehhehehehhe.... it's a good book, u have my word!!

Still waiting for my Burger King...Kinda hungry... my collegues went to KLCC to buy movie tickets for us (my co-supervisor belanja) and i asked Zairi to buy me burgers and i think they are still on the road since you know la KL, traffic jam is everywhere....

5 more weeks and i am back to KK... *sigh*

Sunday, May 08, 2005

The day for "Kingdom of Heaven"

The day for "Kingdom of Heaven", originally uploaded by fellie.

This is actually a commercial ads for Haagen Daz but you are one of the fortunate earthlings to view it first...ahhahahahha

The day for "Kingdom of Heaven"

The day for "Kingdom of Heaven", originally uploaded by fellie.

This picture is taken after the movie... for those who doesnt know Azfar's queen of heart..there she is, the tallest girl in the picture...

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