My "Between-reality-and-absurdity" LiFe...

Ive just read thru Jaff’s blog today, credits given to Cindy for reminding me. Sorry Jaff, ive been neglecting my blog for such a long time already and I dun really have time to update myself with ur blog…. But im not worried about you jaff, u seemed to know how to handle things effortlessly… That’s more important ryte…

Well, I haven’t really put into details about my life here…I mean yes to put it like – “how good life has been” – ive done tat in the previous post, ryte? But when it comes to emotional awareness, its more complicated than that..

I have realized that, ive been keeping stuff to myself a lot… and somehow it’s hurting me but it feels good when nobody actually know about you and you don’t have to worry about any attachment… I duno - ive been keeping my distance from everybody… I do appreciate friendship but somehow friendship scares me to death… and I don’t want any complication anymore. It’s been really really tough for me and I really want to have a better life so I can make this place a better place to be…

I wish the tears that I had before I came here will be the last tears of sadness for me… it has been really painful for me – imagine how agonizing it is when your dad is in the hospital and your family is breaking apart, not forgetting about the peer pressure you have to go through and also the unexplainable financial constraint… it’s too much to take – there ive said it here at last!!! I wish not to repeat this again…

MY DAD – he has been my everything – my spirit, my love, my happiness, my inspiration, my peace, my strength. He went for angiogram a week ago and they found that he is not fit for the operation so they send him back to Sabah and now that he has to fully depend on medication – and only miracles can help him *sigh* ….. I really want to go back – so much – to see my dad.. The memory before I leave the hospital for airport is still playing in my head… My dad saw me crying like a baby in the balcony because of the unpleasant goodbyes I had at home before coming to the hospital to see my dad… he knew I was hurting so he came to me and persuaded me with his eyes welling up with tears… we hugged and cried together for all the heartache we shared together… I just can’t stop crying and with my mom crying like she will never see me again – THAT IS SO PAINFUL…… I refused to go back – not for my own egoism but the circumstances im at…it’s difficult to explain and I would like to skip the details… as long as my dad understand me, that’s enough….

MY FAMILY – The unpleasant view suddenly appear in my head and I really pray for the peace in my family…. I couldn’t stand seeing the explosion of rage in each of them – each has their own dissatisfactions and disappointments towards each other – some very indisposed of forgiving each other… im glad that now I don’t have to see it anymore…

PEER PRESSURE – when it comes to this, disappointment suddenly wash over me… YES, I do have a lot of friends… but those that really understand me and willing to understand can be reckoned with only ONE HAND….. and so disappointing when u found out that they had made their own Judgement by just observing your actions – is that what you call “concern for a friend”… That’s what I call “Bullshit”….
Friend, in definition, is never to judge them but try to understand them and make them comfortable… because all of us has a different size of shoes, I cant be in your shoe, neither do you… so you cant exactly comprehend with what they feel abt things and why they do stuff like that… This is what I see in some people, so childish and so immature… yet im not here to judge other people too…like I said, its important to understand others without expecting them to understand you too… so im just gonna let this go with the flow… I have nothing against anyone and I am glad that now I am all by myself and I have to keep my distance so I wont get hurt anymore… but that does not mean I can’t help others or care for others… I will still show my concern by helping others but sorry, I can’t always say YES to you… at times, I need my space…

And now my life here… how do I really feel about this place?? Well, like what I have told you before, everything has been good to me… He has given me more than what I have asked.. Frankly, I am not used to have a good problem-free kind of life… so I was thinking there must be a catch somewhere – but im not being pessimistic here… im saying this because I want to remind myself that I have to be prepared for whatever that may come in the future… I may not always sit on a comfortable couch, at times I have to sit on thorny surface… whatever it is, I must pray and be thankful for the goodness ive been receiving and ask for strength when things get tough…

Yes Jaff, I am content with my life now….. thank you jaff – your statement really make my tears so ready to be given out – but I have to be strong – and thank you for understanding… so far, you have been one of the few person that actually make me feel belong and comfortable…