27 more days before christmas...

1st Dec 2006

Today is just like any other day. I will put on xmas music, light my xmas tree and thinking whether I should go back to KK for xmas or stay. But I am more worried if xmas this time will be another dissapointment. It’s true that xmas is all about family - wearing red costume with santa hat, carrying presents while humming the xmas melody.

This will be the second time I am celebrating xmas in KL, if I decide not to go back. I should be happy that T is willing to celebrate xmas with me and my friends are waiting for a green light from me to have a xmas bash at home. But like I just said, xmas is always about family. Maybe none can really understand the overwhelming desire in me to have a perfect xmas. Perfect xmas is not about the best dress you can buy or the best present you will ever get. It’s the joy, fun and love during christmas time with family minus the family crisis, of course.

The more I think about those options I have, I get so lonely, confused and feel at lost.

Another thing is this project I am handling, I think I was trying too hard to make everything work and end up like this, I can’t even decide anything at all and I look stupid in front of everyone. I was thinking, is it true that I am just lazy and been so sluggish all this while? It’s just when I get so pumped up to do my work, I get disapointed with all the limitation I have within myself - I am not that smart, whatever I do there is always a hole there to highlight my weaknesses. The more I see that hole, I get so frustrated and feel so stupid. I don’t have the gift to manipulate things anymore. I really hope I won’t disappoint my supervisor again.