Contemplation stage

An excerpt from the previous post:

"I have 8 more working days to submit my hard cover for senate approval. If I miss the date, I will only get to wear the graduation gown and the mortar board next year!!"

Did I submit my hardcover on time? Yes, in fact it was done 3 days before the deadline. Do I get to wear the graduation gown and the mortar board this year? YES!!  BUT---- will i really get to wear my graduation gown and walk up to the stage to get my scroll with full of pride and victory?

THAT, I am not sure.

Why?

Imagine myself - going for the convocation...

All clothes are prepared for the event the night before. Drive off early in the morning to catch the registration of students at 7.30 a.m. I might not know anyone but myself so I can probably guess that I will be playing with my blackberry to kill time and to avoid boredom. It is expected that the feeling wont be the same as how it was 5 years ago (for my B.Sc convocation). Then, the session starts at 8-8.30 am, yadi....yadi....yada... blah... blah... blah... i go up to the stage and take my scroll while I make sure I get the correct pose for the picture (If I plan to have it). I'll clear off the stage with the best fake smile on my face while checking my watch for the zillion time to make sure it finishes on time. When the whole thing is done, I'll follow the over ecstatic young crowds to the exit and inevitably witness students hugging each other, showing passion and appreciation for each other, taking pictures, parents coming from everywhere with bouquets of flowers and teddy bears... and I? Oh well, to avoid the discomfort feelings of awkwardness or bumping into someone who's gonna ask, "Hey, congratulations!! Who are you with? Where's your family.....or friends??", I'll probably just rush to my car and head home. Or even more pathetically, buy a bouquet of flower and assume that someone bought me as a congratulation gift.

Do you really think I am gonna let myself go through that? I rather not

So..... I have been contemplating to have reasons not to go. I know I will have friends coming if I text them, "Hey my convocation is on this date,  you wanna come....and see me....graduate?? and....maybe get me a bouquet of flowers so we can take a snap with it? Or maybe not...but  pictures will be good, ya know..ngeheehee" (no hard feelings guys, its just me showing how pathetic it can be if i consider myself going for it)

I called mom, just to have some hope but of course having her to come for my convo without anyone accompanying her will be a ridiculous idea. Well, I did get the exact response I expected. Can't blame my mom. It's Tuesday, everybody is working so I won't expect my family members to come, even if i asked. (I did asked my eldest brother and received the expected response).

Do you think I want to hurt myself that way? Going through that - asking, pleading, planning, hoping..... all that requires extra energy and stable emotion. I'm not sure if I can handle that.

Imagine myself not going...

I get to save my in-lieu leave..

I get to finish up some work...

I dont have to worry about ANYTHING MENTIONED ABOVE

But I am just contemplating, no decision to be made yet. and soon there will be...

It's done!

I forgot to announce, I am already done with it. Submitted!!

Hooray!!!! Here comes my freedom!!

almost there...!!

I present to you the chronology of events to get my thesis done!!

Registered in July 2006

Scholarship interview - Sept 2006

Awarded with scholarship - Nov 2006

Finished first part of project- Aug/Sept 2007

Finished second part of project- Nov 2007

Lab renovation - Dec 2007-June 2008 (slowed down my work)

GC problems/troubleshooting Dec 2007-Oct 2008 (due to poor management of equipments in the university. They should take note on that!)

Finished third part of project - Feb/Mar 2009

Abstract submission - Jun/Jul 2009

Thesis writing period - Feb 2009 - Dec 2009 (a period of 10 months)

Thesis submission - Jan 2010

Viva - 1st week of June 2010 (after 3-4 times getting postponed)

Forms completion (including format checking process) - 4th week of Jun 2010

Hard cover submission - final week of Jun 2010 (this coming Monday if all goes well)

I was living a zombie life for the last 15 months, juggling my time between work and thesis.

Details:

I only managed to get my abstract submitted in June or July 2009 (due to series of delay which was mostly contributed by my supervisor). This usually happen when your supervisor is having more than 10 master/phd students under her/his supervision -AND- when your supervisor is the faculty's deputy dean. Im not denying her kindness and concern for me, but she has a very very limited time to spare for me. I couldnt really blame her for the delay.

For a period of 8 months, I had to work from 9am-6pm, and write thesis from 8pm till morning (usually till 3-4am) before waking up few hours later to get ready for work.  My Prof never stopped motivating me to struggle for my last battle but I didnt tell her I was working so I had to double up my effort (in getting everything done) to make up for lost time which I had to spent at work. It has been so hard for me as I still have to work to sustain myself financially.  When i was at the edge of giving up, she told me, "Now, you submit your thesis. Don't wait. Just submit." She was afraid I might just throw away all the effort I have put in after I told her I got a job. A real job.

Thesis submitted. Due to a lot of delays, I only got my viva date after 6 months of waiting (normal waiting period is 2-3 months). Few minor corrections have to be done before I am allowed to submit my final copy which is the hard cover. I only have less than a month to get everything done to ensure myself a place for convocation this year. I managed to finish my corrections in less than a week and the correction was only approved after a rework. With much effort, it took me only about a week to get all signatures (a total of 7 signatures) for 4 or 5 different forms and this include the format checking process with one time of rework. I managed to get 7 sets of my final copy printed out the next day after getting the last signature. If everything goes well, I shall collect my hard cover from the printing shop on Monday afternoon, and submit on that day itself.

That was the amount of hard work I have to put in to complete the whole process of getting my Master. It has been a roller coaster ride and I would say that this is definitely a hard earned master for me.

So you think I am going to do my phd now? If locally, no way!! Even if I get the chance to do it overseas, it's not gonna be an easy decision to make.

The reminiscence of the past and that one last battle

Things had gone differently for me in life. Looking at all the childhood photos of my friends in facebook, vaguely reminded me of how different my life has turned up. The drinking part, I think i will pass that as my tolerance wont be as good as theirs, but the bond they have is so special that somehow I wish to have a share of it.

But then again, I realize - I worked so hard in life to be where I am now. I sacrificed a lot just to achieve my dreams in life. I have taken full responsibilities of my action and all the decision I have to make or have made. If I limit myself and only stick to the status quo, I don't think I will be where I am now. With all the sacrifices I have made, I deserve this.

Of course I want to re-connect with my childhood friends again, but the differences between us had gone so far off, I don't know where to start. I miss all my kampung mates and how fun it is to be with them. Looking at those pictures, it reminds me so much of how relaxing it is to be in your home ground.

It's true what they say, the older you get, the smaller the circle of friends you have in life. I always tell myself, "maybe after im done with this or with that, I will keep in touch with them again..." I realize, I have been saying that for the last couple of months. And I know I will keep saying that even after few months from now. The thing that really bothers me right now is the completion process of my MASTER. The whole process is ridiculously so long-winded and it is now taking a toll on me. My prof is worried that I might just give it up, so she always say this, "sikit je lagi...you're almost there". But I have been rushing for this since February 2009, and until now I am still struggling to complete. The only good thing is, there are few more forms to complete, and one more appointment to make before i can submit my hard cover. And that alone is taking so long. I am jeopardizing my current job by escaping to my university for so many times just to get all the signatures for 5 different forms. I have 8 more working days to submit my hard cover for senate approval. If I miss the date, I will only get to wear the graduation gown and the mortar board next year!! For now, the only thing I can do is just finger crossing hoping these people will expedite things for the good of all people.

God knows..

Only God knows how tough it has been for us
Only God knows how we suffered inside
Only God knows how patient we've been during those trials
Only God knows how much tears we have shared
Only God knows......

And now, after endless prayers and sacrifice, everything starts to pay off..

All that happened now, reminds me of yesterday's tears..

This gave me a sense of discernment that dad loves me, still, and a lot. How sinful I have become, I still feel blessed because his fatherly love will never die in my lifetime. I believe he still takes care of things for me, from above. Whatever things that I have silently written for him on a piece of paper and burnt them with hopes that he would read it, it is no strange that it's been fulfilled.  If I could have one wish, I wish for my dad to be here with me. But reality hurts, he's not coming back.

I have to admit - my ego and my pride - they saved me from suffering more. It has been a roller coaster ride for me. To hear the incoherent voices, the aimless talks, the medley of irrelevant advices, I have to say it is an effort to ignore all these kryptonites that can emotionally and mentally kill me. I always have to keep my head up, that no matter how many stops or u-turns I have to make, I know, something good will come.

It is here. I hope it will stay. How many times can someone be tested? Not many, I hope. But God has been kind to us. He gave us each other, and it makes this world not so bad after all.

All that we received now, it is with hardship. It is with a lot of prayers and it is with a great faith.

God knows........

your $$ my $$

I feel like being robbed.

Yes, I am single. No kids. No marriage plans yet.
A fairy tale says I am earning well. Duh~~ like everybody else doesn't!! But why do I feel like I am being stripped from my clothes?? *figure of speech ok*

When I started working, everybody thinks I should contribute more. Everybody thinks my money is everyone's money. The amount of contribution I have to make is expected to be the same as those members who have been working for 5-10 years? Are they being fair to me?

When I work for this company, everybody is waiting for me to make mistakes so they can say, "seeee, she's just too proud of herself"  "she's very ego now.!!"  why?? why?? why?? why do i have to receive all this pressure?? Why can't everybody just be happy?

This is just sad. Freedom come and freedom go.

Life is just great!!

"career independance" journey

Finally,
The decision has been made and I am in my new company with my other leg still stuck in  the old company. They do not wish to have me gone 100% so the deal we made has been a satisfactory to everyone.

5 years ago, I have started my journey in this foreign land with just 2 suitcases (One bag with size XL- nd the other is Size M). That journey was what I called - my "masterhood" journey.

Now, I am in this new journey i called my "career independence"  journey. I have brought this XL bag with me into this new journey and the other one is left behind - locked. That lock is not mine. So I could only once in a while  come back to get my stuff in that bag but not carry them all.

So that was that. Let's talk about my new journey.

For the past 17 days, I was away from 'civilization' - attending classes, briefings, group activities & discussions, camping, site visit, corporate activities etc. All i can say is, I had maximum fun during those activities. It has been something I have been looking for, for a very long time. It has somehow served the thirst of my soul. I met the most wonderful bunch of people from different background with great intensity of intelligence and also great sense of humor. I managed to get out from my cocoon and just be myself. It has been nice to have people accept you for who you are mentally, physically and emotionally. I have shared a lot of my feelings, my experiences and even my worst inferiority complex to the whole class (42 of us and 2 facilitators) during the sharing sessions and each time we finished those session, someone will come to me  and tells me "I like your stories". Even our facilitator came to me and said "I am so glad you shared that with us"

Everything has been nothing but honesty. I like it. I think each one of us has experienced a changed mindset before we start our career in this national company. And after these whole program was over, everyone is missing each other and we wish to have more. 

 Good luck to all my fellow mates at..

I wish you all the best...

Going against nature

Things have been pretty hectic for me. Slowly I am adjusting to the new offer i received few days ago. It is an easy decision to make, but the consequence of the other factor is probably harder to bear. This shows that I have to be ready and learn not to ask for any more luxurious treatment.

I still can't disclose the exact offer yet but soon, i will have to re-locate to a new place. A place which is not so foreign for me.

I am risking my chances for putting it on my blog. And probably T is not happy with my openness. But I have been thinking a lot about this and nobody would understand the consequence I am going to face soon. Nobody will understand my emotions. Even T will not be able to comprehend that.

I have been counting years. I realize I need to be fast on my decision. I need to be realistic and I need to be strong. I was told, "forget what they say, this is about you."

Yes, this is about me. But no matter how ignorant i am trying to be, I am going against my nature. Though it is possible but it is never without pain.

I hope the path of reaching there is easier. Nevertheless, I don't mind going through pain as long as the ending is good. If i could wish for something right now, i really wish for strength and patient. It is sad if I am going to lose her. The one who is only 6 months old and who will forget me if I am kicked out.

The offer

I got the offer.

Happy.

Nervous.

Decided.

Fearful.

but all will eventually lead to happiness.

here comes the push..

I have been wanting to write.... for a very long time.. Yet, it wasnt as easy as i thought. Maybe it was the absence of the 'push'..

Suddenly...today... the push re-appears again and this time it came so strong. It attacked the very core of my desire and I am writing now with the 'push' I so long to have. I need to vent out everything that has been bottling inside me.

I was out today to watch Liverpool play against MU. And it was one of their disappointing game. The game was boring, and but the talking after the game successfully mended my sleepiness. Sigh. I missed my novena. I went home, trying to finish the ironing which I started early this evening. I have about 10 working shirts to iron before i go to bed. While doing it, my mind was wandering around... and I know there's something I have been waiting to do.. I left all the crumpled shirts on my bed, took my company laptop and start typing without thinking...

So, here comes the push.....

My future.

My life.

The options. The choices. The decision.

It hasn't been a very motivating year for me. at least the starting. I was fooled by the online astrologer who has been predicting dates that will bring me luck. and as far as i am concern about my future and my big break-out, nothing has happened, yet. I mean a lot of things happened. But so far, all my wishes remain as dreams. Dreams that will never be a reality for me. *Disappointment*

I guess i am having all this dilemma because I am scared of the damage that i might cause if i finally make my decision. Though it might be the right decision for me, but I know it will definitely hurt some people. And that's the worst part of all. No matter what was done to me and to T, I wish i dont have to fight back. I wish I dont have to take revenge. Because i dont think I can handle it. I still have my dad's words in my head.

I know some of my family members do not embrace all the things dad had taught us when he was still alive. But as a strong believer, it is one of the most important thing in life.

"Let them hurt you, but do not hurt them back"

These words are forever engraved in my head. I am not sure if that is a good thing or otherwise, but it keeps me from hurting other people. So I believe that is good?

Regardless, as a fresh grad, who just entered the real working world, my employer pay me well. But with the amount of work I have done, I know I am cheaply paid. Having said that, money wasnt my biggest issue. I still think what I am earning is good enough compared to others my age. But, life is still so meaningless without the freedom to decide what u really wanna do in life.

It really is sad. I wish to break free. One fine day when my wings are ready, i will prepare myself for the storm and leave my flocks to explore the real world outside. Life is without boundary, and all you need is preparation and.......freedom.