God knows..

Only God knows how tough it has been for us
Only God knows how we suffered inside
Only God knows how patient we've been during those trials
Only God knows how much tears we have shared
Only God knows......

And now, after endless prayers and sacrifice, everything starts to pay off..

All that happened now, reminds me of yesterday's tears..

This gave me a sense of discernment that dad loves me, still, and a lot. How sinful I have become, I still feel blessed because his fatherly love will never die in my lifetime. I believe he still takes care of things for me, from above. Whatever things that I have silently written for him on a piece of paper and burnt them with hopes that he would read it, it is no strange that it's been fulfilled.  If I could have one wish, I wish for my dad to be here with me. But reality hurts, he's not coming back.

I have to admit - my ego and my pride - they saved me from suffering more. It has been a roller coaster ride for me. To hear the incoherent voices, the aimless talks, the medley of irrelevant advices, I have to say it is an effort to ignore all these kryptonites that can emotionally and mentally kill me. I always have to keep my head up, that no matter how many stops or u-turns I have to make, I know, something good will come.

It is here. I hope it will stay. How many times can someone be tested? Not many, I hope. But God has been kind to us. He gave us each other, and it makes this world not so bad after all.

All that we received now, it is with hardship. It is with a lot of prayers and it is with a great faith.

God knows........

your $$ my $$

I feel like being robbed.

Yes, I am single. No kids. No marriage plans yet.
A fairy tale says I am earning well. Duh~~ like everybody else doesn't!! But why do I feel like I am being stripped from my clothes?? *figure of speech ok*

When I started working, everybody thinks I should contribute more. Everybody thinks my money is everyone's money. The amount of contribution I have to make is expected to be the same as those members who have been working for 5-10 years? Are they being fair to me?

When I work for this company, everybody is waiting for me to make mistakes so they can say, "seeee, she's just too proud of herself"  "she's very ego now.!!"  why?? why?? why?? why do i have to receive all this pressure?? Why can't everybody just be happy?

This is just sad. Freedom come and freedom go.

Life is just great!!

"career independance" journey

Finally,
The decision has been made and I am in my new company with my other leg still stuck in  the old company. They do not wish to have me gone 100% so the deal we made has been a satisfactory to everyone.

5 years ago, I have started my journey in this foreign land with just 2 suitcases (One bag with size XL- nd the other is Size M). That journey was what I called - my "masterhood" journey.

Now, I am in this new journey i called my "career independence"  journey. I have brought this XL bag with me into this new journey and the other one is left behind - locked. That lock is not mine. So I could only once in a while  come back to get my stuff in that bag but not carry them all.

So that was that. Let's talk about my new journey.

For the past 17 days, I was away from 'civilization' - attending classes, briefings, group activities & discussions, camping, site visit, corporate activities etc. All i can say is, I had maximum fun during those activities. It has been something I have been looking for, for a very long time. It has somehow served the thirst of my soul. I met the most wonderful bunch of people from different background with great intensity of intelligence and also great sense of humor. I managed to get out from my cocoon and just be myself. It has been nice to have people accept you for who you are mentally, physically and emotionally. I have shared a lot of my feelings, my experiences and even my worst inferiority complex to the whole class (42 of us and 2 facilitators) during the sharing sessions and each time we finished those session, someone will come to me  and tells me "I like your stories". Even our facilitator came to me and said "I am so glad you shared that with us"

Everything has been nothing but honesty. I like it. I think each one of us has experienced a changed mindset before we start our career in this national company. And after these whole program was over, everyone is missing each other and we wish to have more. 

 Good luck to all my fellow mates at..

I wish you all the best...

Going against nature

Things have been pretty hectic for me. Slowly I am adjusting to the new offer i received few days ago. It is an easy decision to make, but the consequence of the other factor is probably harder to bear. This shows that I have to be ready and learn not to ask for any more luxurious treatment.

I still can't disclose the exact offer yet but soon, i will have to re-locate to a new place. A place which is not so foreign for me.

I am risking my chances for putting it on my blog. And probably T is not happy with my openness. But I have been thinking a lot about this and nobody would understand the consequence I am going to face soon. Nobody will understand my emotions. Even T will not be able to comprehend that.

I have been counting years. I realize I need to be fast on my decision. I need to be realistic and I need to be strong. I was told, "forget what they say, this is about you."

Yes, this is about me. But no matter how ignorant i am trying to be, I am going against my nature. Though it is possible but it is never without pain.

I hope the path of reaching there is easier. Nevertheless, I don't mind going through pain as long as the ending is good. If i could wish for something right now, i really wish for strength and patient. It is sad if I am going to lose her. The one who is only 6 months old and who will forget me if I am kicked out.

The offer

I got the offer.

Happy.

Nervous.

Decided.

Fearful.

but all will eventually lead to happiness.

here comes the push..

I have been wanting to write.... for a very long time.. Yet, it wasnt as easy as i thought. Maybe it was the absence of the 'push'..

Suddenly...today... the push re-appears again and this time it came so strong. It attacked the very core of my desire and I am writing now with the 'push' I so long to have. I need to vent out everything that has been bottling inside me.

I was out today to watch Liverpool play against MU. And it was one of their disappointing game. The game was boring, and but the talking after the game successfully mended my sleepiness. Sigh. I missed my novena. I went home, trying to finish the ironing which I started early this evening. I have about 10 working shirts to iron before i go to bed. While doing it, my mind was wandering around... and I know there's something I have been waiting to do.. I left all the crumpled shirts on my bed, took my company laptop and start typing without thinking...

So, here comes the push.....

My future.

My life.

The options. The choices. The decision.

It hasn't been a very motivating year for me. at least the starting. I was fooled by the online astrologer who has been predicting dates that will bring me luck. and as far as i am concern about my future and my big break-out, nothing has happened, yet. I mean a lot of things happened. But so far, all my wishes remain as dreams. Dreams that will never be a reality for me. *Disappointment*

I guess i am having all this dilemma because I am scared of the damage that i might cause if i finally make my decision. Though it might be the right decision for me, but I know it will definitely hurt some people. And that's the worst part of all. No matter what was done to me and to T, I wish i dont have to fight back. I wish I dont have to take revenge. Because i dont think I can handle it. I still have my dad's words in my head.

I know some of my family members do not embrace all the things dad had taught us when he was still alive. But as a strong believer, it is one of the most important thing in life.

"Let them hurt you, but do not hurt them back"

These words are forever engraved in my head. I am not sure if that is a good thing or otherwise, but it keeps me from hurting other people. So I believe that is good?

Regardless, as a fresh grad, who just entered the real working world, my employer pay me well. But with the amount of work I have done, I know I am cheaply paid. Having said that, money wasnt my biggest issue. I still think what I am earning is good enough compared to others my age. But, life is still so meaningless without the freedom to decide what u really wanna do in life.

It really is sad. I wish to break free. One fine day when my wings are ready, i will prepare myself for the storm and leave my flocks to explore the real world outside. Life is without boundary, and all you need is preparation and.......freedom.