Saturday, December 16, 2006

A Bouncy girl

It has been hard for me for the past few days but lucky me, i managed to pull everything together. No matter how much things triggered my vulnerability, i managed to calm myself down and suck it up immediately before my cheek is flooded with tears. I am okay... I know...

Even though the wound is still there, but that doesnt mean my life should stop here. No matter what happened, i know i will always bounce back, that's what a bouncy girl like me would do, rite people? Obviously, i am making myself all better.

I am going back to KK tonight.

My supervisor has been so nice to give me the permission. However, she recommended that i should convert to phd, which i don't know if i ever ready for that. Of course, i want to do my phd, but im thinking of doing it overseas after few years of working experience. But never mind about that, i have a semester to decide.

My life is still full of craps. I know I am a bouncy girl, and one more thing about being bouncy is that, i am exactly like a ball that can be bounced wherever and whenever ppl want. I really really really need to figure out how bouncy i should be and not being used for stupid matters. Dear God, this You gotta help me!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The last tantrum?

This emotional turmoil is taking a lot of my energy - especially my life. I need to detoxify it, so im planning to go back to sabah to celebrate xmas with my family. 2 weeks are enough to create a monster in me.

I went to church for the mass confession last night and i cant believe i was actually crying in public, i can sense eyes are fixed on me but it's unbearable and I know God was there leading me to a seat at the corner and say my prayer before leaving the building of God.

I have no choice but to suck it up and pray for the peace and mercy from my Heavenly Father. It has been days i did not have a proper meal, my goodness, i am so wasted. feeling weak yet the apetite is not there.

I really want to get this over with and move on with life. What's it gonna be, it's gonna be. This will be my last struggle to save whatever it is to save.

God bless!~~

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Seeking God

I look at my life at this moment, Gawd… im going crazy with the fears I have before my eyes. I tried comforting myself, I thought spending time with family would help me ease the pain, but still, the loneliness is always there floating around in my inner side. What should I do?

I don’t like to be called pathetic or pitiable girl but I just lose the battle. I am in the midst of bouncing back, because that’s what I do for the past 4 years. It ain’t easy dude.

I am socially zero, spiritually empty, and now energy losing. Gawd, I am pathetic!

I was supposed to meet Fr. Julian today, for him to introduce me to some active church members but because of some inevitable circumstances, I didn’t make it. So much of fixing your life, dear Fellie.

But a little voice I hear “Seek God first, and all other Graces will be given unto you”

That’s what I think I should do.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

What's your idea of a relationship?

A friend asked me, “What is your idea of a relationship?” I was kind of confused with the question, oh gawd another love master is attacking me questions about love.

I went like, “It’s supposed to be meaningful, I guess.” Do you think I hit the right answer? Well, it’s very subjective and very individual. Of course, I didn’t really got it correct at first. Well im not a master of love but it seems fun to be one, tho’ u might puke to your own face. Urgh, im crapping…

But these are the answers I got from few friends when I asked them this questions

1. To be there for each other
2. Sharing love and responsibilties, sadness and happiness
3. To love and be loved, to appreciate and be appreciated
4. To have someone to back you up, when you’re up to something
5. To have someone to say ‘goodnight’ to you every night
6. To look forward to the future with the other person
7. To feel belonged and not alone, to feel alive
8. To be with each other until the time unwinds
9. To say ‘I love you’
10. To take care of you when you’re mom can no longer take care of you

What’s yours?

Whatever answers you have in your head, relationship is all about a connection between 2 persons who are passionately in love. If the answers above never crossed your mind, then start thinking whether you want them in your life or not, don’t just leave them hanging around you when you can’t give them certainties, it might hurt them really deeply when it’s time for you to dump them.

When you answer “I don’t know.” then you don’t have any idea why you want her/him in your life. The person you’re with is no surprise suffering from the madness of the relationship.

Just like what happened to someone I know. Sigh

Some of the pictures in my PC

Me and my hsemate, emily...
taken during break fasting
with Ex- Biotech students in Kenny Rogers...

Taken on deepavali day in Sitiawan, Perak.
Left: Me in the hotel room in Perak waiting
for my hp to finish charging..
Bottom: My babies.... Sanchiya and Keegan...
sharing food while waiting for their parents on the
table just next to us (Picture not shown)

- How i spend my free time on saturday-
Domino's with piles of journals to read..

Bottom: The X5...
This car is huge and damn cool...

Friday, December 01, 2006

27 more days before christmas...

1st Dec 2006

Today is just like any other day. I will put on xmas music, light my xmas tree and thinking whether I should go back to KK for xmas or stay. But I am more worried if xmas this time will be another dissapointment. It’s true that xmas is all about family - wearing red costume with santa hat, carrying presents while humming the xmas melody.

This will be the second time I am celebrating xmas in KL, if I decide not to go back. I should be happy that T is willing to celebrate xmas with me and my friends are waiting for a green light from me to have a xmas bash at home. But like I just said, xmas is always about family. Maybe none can really understand the overwhelming desire in me to have a perfect xmas. Perfect xmas is not about the best dress you can buy or the best present you will ever get. It’s the joy, fun and love during christmas time with family minus the family crisis, of course.

The more I think about those options I have, I get so lonely, confused and feel at lost.

Another thing is this project I am handling, I think I was trying too hard to make everything work and end up like this, I can’t even decide anything at all and I look stupid in front of everyone. I was thinking, is it true that I am just lazy and been so sluggish all this while? It’s just when I get so pumped up to do my work, I get disapointed with all the limitation I have within myself - I am not that smart, whatever I do there is always a hole there to highlight my weaknesses. The more I see that hole, I get so frustrated and feel so stupid. I don’t have the gift to manipulate things anymore. I really hope I won’t disappoint my supervisor again.

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