An alien in dilemma

There are times I feel like an alien in my lab. It’s like I don’t understand the language they used, and I can’t even recognize their faces every time I see them. I am not sure how long I am gonna put up with this pretentious face and I don’t know how strong I have to be to stay around these toxic which could break down my immune system at any freakin’ time.

Few days ago, I was humiliated by words from the most unexpected person that I myself couldn’t comprehend to the fact that he actually threw those harsh and insulting words at me. I mean, he is 3 years my junior (and I never called him my junior out of respect for mankind). Nobody was that friendly to him when he first joined our research group, until I broke the ice, thinking that I could get a sincere ‘friendship’ out of it. Little that I know, birds of a feather flock together.

Even when that happened, I told myself, maybe it’s just a language barrier that he didn’t understand what I was trying to tell him (since he pronounced ‘sure’ as ‘suuer’) and with his misinterpretation of my ‘English’, he replied with those heart-wrenching words back at me. Even then, I tried to explain to him in a very polite way with simpler English words.

I thought that will be just it. On the same day (the second part of the day), he bombarded me again with a very sharp reply when I asked him about something. His judgment about me came really strong, and the words felt like they are pinning on my chest so hurtfully that it provokes my breathing problem. Yet, I let it go and walked away.

The next day, another drama happened. Fortunately, I wasn’t the victim. One of my lab mate, a foreign guy received my junior’s pungent anger with a loud bang on a bench after a question. There goes another show-off, but I think it was wrong for him to say - “You are under me and you do as I say!”- when he is like 5-10 years younger than this foreign guy and he hasn’t even started his own lab work. I mean I got enough people showing off their superiority in the lab. With this ‘nose-to-the-sky’ ungrateful new junior coming to our lab, doesn’t make the lab a merry-go-round adventure to everyone. Now, it’s more like a graveyard to me where monsters are living with each other.

See, I’m in a shit hole!!!! Now you know why I feel so unmotivated to go to lab. It’s more like a drag to me. I feel very much retarded and I hate my master years so much. I wish to end it immediately because I am not interested anymore. It doesn’t matter what they would think of me or my performance. I don’t really give a damn about what would I get out of my master experience, I had enough of this disease and I would really like to pull the string and end my life, right now.