Self Harm and the secret scars
I came across some videos in youtube about self harm and I myself, wonder. We protect ourselves from harm, either in the short term or the long term like, wearing safety belt or helmets on the road and some even take nutrition for health, exercising regularly or avoid smoking. So we probably don’t understand these people who mutilate themselves physically, 
and some might probably keep away from them, thinking that they might harm us one day. 
I was just thinking, what are they thinking about hurting themselves at that time? Of course it’s ridiculous to acutely damage our own body and I myself couldn’t bring myself to see blood, even the smell of blood is too much to take, what more cutting myself with sharp items..php&h=345&w=171&sz=13&hl=en&start=4&um=1&tbnid=VFspTgT9Qa85RM:&tbnh=120&tbnw=59&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dself%2Bharm%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1B3DVFC_enMY244MY253%26sa%3DG)
Self harm can be from a lot of things, even hitting your head to the wall deliberately is one, or maybe just biting your own fingers, but some people can go disorderly extreme harming themselves. I have seen my father throwing his head to a pillar at home when he was freaking angry at one of us. Even one of my childhood friends, whom showed me his healed scars, not just one or two scars but his left hand was covered with those painful scars. I was very shocked of course; I asked him “What happened?? Why did you do it?”
He told me, “There are times I feel so useless, so wasteful.”
I am lying if I say I never did that myself. Yes, I have cut myself once for a very very stupid reason and that time i was a lot younger and weak, unable to control my emotion. It happened when I was in 4th form of my secondary level. I had a crush on my best friend for like the longest time, and the day before I cut myself, I thought honesty is the best policy so I confronted him and confessed. What happened was, the guy did not say anything encouraging, instead he was hoping I didn’t say it . I had a panic attack the next day and cut myself in front of my classmates. A friend saw and she was furiously angry at me, so I had to stop. A year later, this guy became my boyfriend, lasted 2 months, only to find that he is a total jerk.
Oh no, that was the second time actually. Gosh, I’m a serial self-harmer. LOL. The first time happened when i was in my second school. I moved to 3 different schools in secondary schoolyear. I was a transferred student from KK High School that time. So basically, everyone knows that I am from the city. I get extra attention from the boys, and my excellent achievement in academic was acknowledged by the faculty members of the school. Technically, I was noticed by the whole school, which was not a good news to some people.
One of my classmates came to me and she said, “Can you let me get No.1 in the class this time?” Well, that explains how the girls in my class hated me, so no surprise I didn’t have many friends except for the ‘few guys’ sitting beside me in my class. So coming back to our topic today, self harm; so basically, I was pretty upset with the whole situation. So a friend I am going to talk about is one of the nicest boys and the smartest one in my class. At that time, English was my strength, so after our essay book was returned, I asked him if I could see his essay. He refused to give. I had to beg. And he still refused. So that time sadness got into me, I thought everybody hates me, including the few friends I had at that time. I took my mechanical pencil and scratched my hand until it bleeds. The people who were sitting with us saw and started asking him to just give his essay book, and he still refused to give. Well, I kinda forgot how it ended that time.
So basically, that’s just that. What i did was just minor, nothing like in that picture. But no more after those stupid act.
The message I am trying to give here is, if you came to know a friend who is a self-harmer, we shouldn’t let them handle it alone. At least that will help a bit in their problem-solving. Im just saying, put yourself in their shoes, maybe they don’t have the strength like we have or maybe they just need to talk to someone, as a good friend, I think we should let them know that they can reach out to us.
I hope this is a point worth taking peeps.
17 what say you:
A lot of people hurt themselfs, and no one else exept themself know what they are thinking while they are hurting themself.
Some people hurt themself because they think they are whortles and other do that because that have painfull memories that they can't controll, but they are even other reasons why people hurt themselfs.
Like my reson for example.
I found your blog via Google. I hope you can forgive the anonymity of this comment.
Cutting: I do it for two reasons:
1) If I am very stressed on the inside, and the pain needs to get out, then I cut.
2) To stop myself from killing myself. I guess this is really the same as 1).
I have thought a lot about my cutting. I don't think cutting is a 'disease' in itself, it is just a symptom. Until I get the underlying causes for hating life so much sorted out, then I will continue to 'need' to cut. It just helps me cope.
Cutting transfers the pain inside me to the outside. It's not nice, but internal pain is more dangerous than external pain. Cutting saves my life =)
It's hard to describe and explain, but I can try if you want.
A 26-year-old man
London, England
Dear 26-year old man from London,
sorry to address u that way. i just dont know what to call you since i dont know your name.
I understand why cutting sometimes help but instead of harming yourself, why dont you try to resort your frustration by doing something better, that will help you instead of harming you physically..
but then again, maybe its easier to say then do.. you can tell me, if you want..
It's OK, 26-year-old man from London is fine by me.
"why dont you try to resort your frustration by doing something better, that will help you instead of harming you physically.."
That's a fair question. To be honest I don't know... I guess I've really not thought a lot about trying anything else. I just can't think of anything which gives such an immediate and effective release. When I circumstances have again put me in the mood to cut, I am not thinking... it is essentially a reflex reaction. I just HAVE to cut, I HAVE to get the pain and stress/frustration out. Thinking about it, it's almost not a conscious decision.
Perhaps it's just the ease and simplicity of cutting. Suppose I use a punch bag, like one website suggested. Well, I can't take a punch bag with me everywhere, whereas I can cut myself anywhere with anything. I even used the end of a teaspoon once when I was on holiday with my parents earlier this year.
I don't know... How did my life get here? Looking back I can see a few nudges which put me here, but there's no 'one event' which triggered this. Just a series of unfortunate events, coupled with some (genetic?) personal susceptibility.
One of my grandfather's died in a mental institution suffering from schizophrenia, so I guess some of it is in the genes, perhaps.
My parents really wish I would stop cutting. I know it looks horrible to outsiders, but the pain on the inside is much worse. Even if I ever manage to stop cutting, I know the scars will still be on my arm the day I die when I am an old man. And I know the scars will not look nice... I mean I look at other people who have self-harmed, or videos about self-harming on YouTube and I think, "Ah god, that's horrible." But then I look at myself... It's weird, I can see it's horrible and weird when other people do it, but when I do it it all makes sense.
But for the moment I just need to get the pain out, or I won't die as an old man, but a young man.
Well, I think that's enough typing now. Isn't the internet a strange thing? I can tell some girl somewhere in Asia who I am never going to meet a bit about my self-harming.
Best wishes from London, thank you for typing back to me.
Anon.
I think the most important thing that you need to do is to control your emotion. Im not saying its gonna be easy, but I think you should try. Because it’s the emotion that burns inside you cause you to cut.
It would be better to have someone to talk to about it, someone you know you can trust. Perhaps, the closest person to you.
I think I am no different from you.
I used to be a very temperamental person. Look at my previous entries, I was always angry. I don’t cut myself, but I hurt others with my words. I started my blog because I always have the urge to complain about people, say things I wanna say about people. You know what happen after that? I lost my friends. At one point, they really hate me. They mentioned about my blog. I came to realize that what I did was wrong and somehow I started to change. Every time when I get very angry, I took a deep breath and just let it go. It was hard the first time, but you need the ‘adaptation period’ to actually make it work.
It is never easy, but it’s all in your mind. If you really wanna stop it, you can. You just have to be strong. Like smokers, they quit smoking by not thinking about it anymore. Instead, they take chewing gum. Maybe you should do the same thing, like what I said previously, resort your frustration by doing something. Cleaning the house helps me to relax. Listening to music helps too. If this does not work for you, punch bag sounds like a good idea. If you cant get punch bag anywhere, try running. Run and run until your body gets tired. Just do something about it.
Try to find something to do that makes you relax. I can’t really say what because different people have different ideas or ways to handle things. Don’t just make judgments about your genetic. My dad is suffering from heart disease and cancer. My therapist found out that I have the symptoms of cancer, so are my other sisters. But I try not to just give up like that, I can start by taking care of my diets to prevent it from happening.
I hope this help. Hope to hear some improvement fro
Self-harm is not as simple as picking something else to do. You can throw out the razors and the lighters, but often that will still lead to other objects. Sometimes self-harm is like restarting ones brain, like shock therapy was back in the old days. It keeps away the dangerous thoughts or memories that can be life threatening to a persons life in that present moment. Okay, now it isn't the right way to deal with issues...but until a person finds another way to deal, then the self-harming will never go away. You have to deal with why you do it, and the only way you can unlearn and learn new skills is by going to therapy. People who self-harm don't usually hurt others, they don't do it as a means to and end..although some people get tired of being this way and eventually kills themselves, and they do not do it to seek attention. Self harming is a very private thing.
I am a former self-harmer. I just found your blog through a google search. I am glad to hear your quesions, I think it is awesome that you at least seem to be trying to understand. So many people just don't want to talk about it because the subject is so taboo.
Cutting or self injury (SI) is an addiction, some people don't like to call it that but I truly believe that it is. When someone harms themselves, or gets hurt, the body responds by sending off a rush of endorphins, these endorphins cause a sort of "high" that makes a person feel better after having pain caused to them, that helps to lessen the pain (whether the pain happens by accident or on purpose...)
But most people who SI will say that the outer pain helps them to forget or deal with the inner pain that they are dealing with. For me it was that I could "control" the outer pain while the other pain I was unable to control.
anyways...I know you posted this blog a while ago but I just thought I would add my two cents worth.
I am 15, Last night, on October 26, 2008. I cut myself 28 times. It felt good. But I regret it. I don't know how to hide the cuts from my mom, I don't think they will scar, but still.. They spread about 7 inches up my left arm, I cannot wear longsleeves, only have a jacket.
It's been three hours since she got home, I have done well so far, now what?
dear anonymous, 15
If you want to come check out my blog the feel free. I used to self-harm and I understand how it works. I want you to know that I can be here for you and I will even give you an e-mail if that works better. I would love to be able to have a conversation with you about this.
I don't really have any advice for you as of now, since I don't know much about your situation and your history of self-injury.
Let me know if you want to talk!
Emmy R.
i think self mutiation has to do with ur way of coping with things. such as myself for example... i have had a hard life...my mom and dad divorced when i was about 7 years old. not long after my mom got into a gay relationship with an alcoholic (the gay part doesnt bother me at all) and everytime they argued...which was quite frequebtly...they broke up and the next day they were back together. eventually my mom started smoking crack and everything we had was gone. we had to move in with my grandmother and dodnt have anything of our own. everything seemed to be getting better untill i started seeing more of moms pill addiction. maybe 2 weeks before my 16th b-day she went to jail because she got busted with pills and i thought my world was gone...she got out and is still doing the pill thing...so to cope with my life i cut myself...another reason is because my dad abandoned us and is neglecting us...he says hes not but...it just seems like my life has no cause and im tired of it...beyond tired...i hide my scras by just cutting on my wrists and i wear braclets to cover them...or i cut my legs...
bubble, I think that you are very right in saying that cutting is a way of coping with things! I believe that I used cutting as a way to cope with some of the very hard things that were going on in my life. I think that that is actually why most people self-harm. It helps you gain some "control" over a life that seems to be spinning out of control.
Emmy R.
god knows what goes through my head
i just do it
i sit there thinking it would be easier to be dead
and cant think of a way to do it,
whereas to get rid of all this...emotion i can go downstairs in the night, get a knife and just cut,
get rid of it
feel a little better, smile even,
yeah it can be a nuisance having to wear long sleeves, but im used to that now,
people all say you have to do this and you have to do that because self harm shouldn't be part of life, but its a part of mine
cause i dont see the point anymore
i started self harming years ago and then stopped when i didnt have any reasons anymore and when a certain young man said he would stop if i did, it convinced me to stop
now that guy and my best friend have left me
all at once
so i've started all over again
and the worst is that on both accountants it was my own fault, i basically drove them away, the people i spent almost all my time with,
so now i just dont really talk much, not about myself anyway,
i cant sleep
and i've stopped myself so many times from bursting into tears in public, covered it with a fake smile, that i just cant seem to let myself go and cry anymore,
i never want to eat
i just live off cigarettes, chocolate and energy drinks
and i know exactly what its doing to me and my health and that its part of the reason i feel so terrible all the time,
i could just get a healthy diet, quit smoking (drink less alcohol) and eat&sleep better and im sure i could start to handle all this
but...i honestly cant be bothered
i see no reason to at all
i don care enough about myself to try and improve my situation
so barely anything goes through my mind when i cut these days
its just part of my existance
if i let this one coping-method go then the rest of my tenuous world might just collapse,
just a randomer, that found your blog through google, even if this never gets read its kind of helpful to put down your feelings and send them off somewhere,
thanks,
alys, 16, north wales,
Hi, found this through google, just thought i'd add to the already huge comment chain.
I'm 14, and i've been self harming since i was about twelve, it was just a natural reaction for me.
It's not something i do by choice, or something i'm proud of, but whenever i feel stressed or low then i get an urge to do it, and the longer i ignore that urge, the stronger it becomes.
It gives me a relise from stress, because nowadays i just feel so numb, and when i cut i feel so satisfied, i feel so complete, and i feel like in that pain, i find whatever it is that im missing. I don't always cut, i went through a phase when my mom found out and whenever i got that urge i'd grab the hardest thing to me, like my hairbrush or car of hairspray and repeatedly bash myself in the stomach, although without the blood, i never felt completely satisfied.
I always try to hide it from others, i dont like other people seeing the things i do or even knowing about them, and when people find out and get upset, i simply become angry. Everybody reacts in the same way, and it make me so angry just automatically.
Ive done it in so many places, my upperlegs, inner and outer thigh, stomach, chest, neck, shoulders, wrists and hands.
It's just that feeling when i feel a trickle of blood dripping down my arm or leg or whatever, it gives me control, it gives me tranquility and it gives me justification. It allows me to live the next day, walking down the road with a smile on my face and a slight limp due to last nights session.
I'm not suicidal, and it's never occured in my head that i should stop, because apart from people reacting badly, i don't see the harm. Yes, i will scar, but i never want to forget my feelings, and for each individual scar that i already have, i remember why i did them.
And Alys (above), i know excactly what you mean.
Anna, 14, Central England
Dear Anna, forgive me for taking a long time to approve your comment. I have been too busy to check my blog.
However, I hope you can find something useful for you here. It's not wrong to feel. Maybe you just need someone to talk to. To divert yourself from self-harming. I just want you to know that, you are not alone.
Take care.
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I'm 15.
I've been cutting since i was 12.
Every now and again i'll take out my little box, make cuts on my arm and then forget about it.
It's just a reaction to the stuff that happens at home.
Alys and Anna, everything you two said is so similar i had to leave a comment. I messed up my relationship with my best friend last year and it made me get really bad. I've just become numb now, i can't really explain how i feel because i'm not sure i feel anything apart from the emptyness inside my chest. We'd been best friends for 9 years and i could feel myself slipping into this spiral going downward. So i fought with her and it completely tore me apart. I couldn't think about her without bursting into tears and reaching for a blade. A fake smile i'd put on every day. I'm not even sure what i'm writing right now makes any sense.
But i few weeks back i'm just void of feeling. I took my stanley knife blade and i ran it across my arm 30 times. Most of the cuts were superficial to me. But they looked disgusting to my other friend who was trying to help me. Ever since then every day has just got past, i can't remember simple things. It's as if i'm just watching someone else live my life. I've become so numb, i can just see it kill the ones i love. My other friend got really mad at me and then grabbed my arm to see it, it felt a bit painful but not too bad.
I would never intentionally hurt someone, i've had bad experiences at home. Things get really violent and it has to do with alcohol so that's a reason why everyone else i know around me at my age is going out and getting pissed while i say, "No i don't drink". It looks like a good thing to any adult out there but a while back. I was alone in my house, which is rare, and there was a ful bottle of wine sitting on my kitchen counter, so i took a pint glass, filled it. And then i downed the glass, gagging as i went. But eventually i downed the whole bottle, and threw it out into the rubbish. I don't know why i did it but i just did.
I don't want to live any more, but so long as i am, i'll try my hardest to please the ones i love.
Lawren, 15, Scotland x
Everyone will say, you don't have to go through this alone,
but theres so much abuse for self harmers theres no point in asking for help.
I have been a self harmer for 6 years, and no matter who i talk to, it doesnt improve, sorry to sound bad here. but its true.
No one can help a self harmer untill they decide to help themselves.
We all think different things depending on our own personal issues.
I really want to raise awareness on self harm and show that it is a real issue and Addiction, thats what people dont get. But people who self harm go through enough stress as it is without having the issue brought up leaving them subject to abuse.
Everyone should check out TWLOHA (To write Love on her Arm) Its so support self harmers.
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