something common, but rare..

For the past few days, I was lost in my own world. So many things seemed to be so excited in infuriating my not-so-mystical being that I failed to understand the feelings I have. It’s almost frustrating.

I couldn’t even give a name to the feeling right now. Is it disappointment? Anger? Frustration? None of it really makes sense, because I can be happy now, and be upset next. I always resort myself to PMS. Maybe im going through my monthly hormone changes, oh well, my visitor is due exactly a week from now. My appetite is better and I seemed to be looking for food almost all the time. I can’t see a problem here.

Yet, there is always something triggering my emotion. Pardon me for the words you wont understand here. But I am writing my heart out now. Please let me.

First, I am a bit upset that I couldn’t do much in the lab right now to finish the few percent left of my labwork. I don’t feel like showing my face around in the lab with a mask on since I know not everybody would be pleased to see me around, more or less, I am the one who is not pleased to see everyone. Well, the only thing I know is, my senior would love to have me around to chatter with me about his latest scandal since the others doesn’t seem to bother (or, interested) in his exciting and adventurous stories about his not-so-usual orientation. Well, at least he kept me entertained in the lab.

Go back to reality.

Second. My external HDD almost gave me a heart attack when it shows sign of breaking down because all my data are there. My thesis writing isn’t progressing in an escalating rate. My enthusiasm seems to have a drawback. The excessive unknown distraction seems to have engrossed my head completely and the previous motivation was successfully subdued.

Third. The recession is coming. My financial situation seems to follow into that direction, and that scares me to death. My prideful existence which thwarted me from waving a white flag to my millionaire sister seems to be unresponsive at this moment. The unwanted urge is cheering for the image of the white flag from the blurry background. As much as I am trying to control myself from the urge that I despised, im getting weaker day by day. The hungry eyes are waiting for me to give up and slave myself to their pool of money and power. But I won’t be human once I’m trapped. How long will I stand holding my flag of independence? It’s too much to sacrifice.

Fourth. This sacrifice seems to be very insignificant to the beautiful eyes I have been yearning to see every second of my day. The soul that I have given him, and the trust that I have surrendered into his hands. He is the reason for my strength. The strength to hold still even when my legs are trembling with weakness. *close eyes* it’s almost unbearable. I know he wants me to be stronger, a person I always am. I don’t know if I can be that person anymore, now that I have lost half of my empire to the hungry eyes.

Fifth. I got the results of my PAC. I didn’t get through. I am not sure how deep I feel for that, not getting what seems to be the shortcut to all resolutions. No matter what they say about the injustice of the government, whether they only pick according to blood or VVIP ties, which I know is not fair if it’s true, nothing seems to matter anymore. I know it’s coming, I just have to prepare myself, and lucky it took me only hours to get myself into senses. I don’t have the colour they wanted, maybe. I don’t have the height or worse, my brain isn’t good enough. All is possible. That is a closed chapter now.

Let’s move on, guys.

Sixth. The rejection brings another desire in me. To go the other side of the world, is it just an escape mission to all these miseries? Another problem strike. Money. I did my small research on my personal work station, I don’t think I can afford it, unless I give myself to the hungry eyes. But I have sacrificed this far, giving up now would be a waste of my 3 years believing in something colourful in my life.

There you go, my friend. All cards are revealed. Case close? No, it’s just about to begin. Let’s see what I decide to do next.