the singing hero

I have been busy driving my mum and aunt around, it was damn tiring. I dont have time to do my work, worse still, I dont even have my personal time anymore.

You know when Fellie doesnt get her personal time, she'll get cranky.

*slap* *slap*
At least I get to see my mum and spend time with her right??? Oh well, isolation is always the best remedy for a cranky Fellie.

Anyway, I just got to know Hayden Penettiere, the unbreakable cheerleader from the famous series "HEROES" SINGS TOO!! Though many people preferred her acting more than her singing, I personally say the pretty lass has some talents. Check her out!

she's not bad eh??
owh you think she sounds good because it's studio-recorded?
Check this out!



She was challenged in front of the camera and I must say she sounds good behind the mic!

Anoop's out???!!!

Anoop the soulful singer from American Idol is voted out this week...

Sad but true...

Now, I have Kris Allen left in the show to cheer for!!

dirt cheap

I was so excited about friday because I get to meet T and have him for the weekend. Somehow our twisted fate warned us not to meet and he has to stay in Bintulu for the weekend. Apparently, an airplane had a burst tyre during landing and the panicked passengers had no choice but to board off from where the wheel stopped turning. Lucky the crew on duty managed to have it under control otherwise airasia is going to make a history. Bintulu airport was forced to close its business at 6pm due to a stranded airplane on the runway. Calling their engineers from Kuching seemed impossible because they still need to land on Bintulu runway.

So there goes my happiness for the weekend. I have been staying at home for the whole weekend, nursing my lazy butt with a nice long hours of sleeps and good food cooked by my personal 'butler' at home. oh didn't I tell you i spent rm10 for 6 shots of tequila and few glasses of whisky last tuesday in one of the club in Bangsar???

Well, I have retired myself from camwhoring, so there's not many pictures to flaunt here. but i managed to get a few shots so i could boast about my 'luck' to other people.

here goes the few shots i managed to steal using my touch screen xpressMusic camphone - The latest model of Nokia Xpressmusic which disappoint me with its low quality pictures.

The tequila shots..
gulp!

All the drinks we ordered which cost us rm1 each shots/glass. Dirt cheap eh???

you must be wondering what happened to me after all the shots right?

Tell you the truth, I stayed sober till the last drop! Look at the glow on my face?
Do I look Excited???!!!

Who does not enjoy cheap drinks that comes along with loud music onstage!

Four jugs of beer suddenly came to our table, but I have to pass this time. Remember not to mix drinks, especially when you go out drinking. I always go by the rules of "HAVE FUN RESPONSIBLY!"

Nevertheless, a friend was excited to finally meet her happy juice that night! There are few pictures i took but I don't think it is appropriate to embarrass a friend by uploading it here. Personal picture goes personal forever guys. So pardon me for spoiling the fun here and allow me to have it in a safe keeping.

On Sunday, I enjoyed a very brief yet interesting sermon from the priest in SFX where he mentioned about the biggest Britain surprise from the Reality Show "Britains got Talent", Susan Boyle and the cynicism from the audience before she open her mouth to sing.

"Who the heck is Susan Boyle?"

Those who are still stucked in their nutshell, check youtube and type the "Susan Boyle" on the search pane. You will see videos of her on Britain's got Talent.

Another thing that excite me the last weekend was the Clearance Book Sale in Carrefour. Blame my 'nerd' genes for the temptation on books.

But it's worth buying since it's rm5 each and the books are brand new. Look at the number of books (me and a friend combined) which will last me for at least half a year.

Happy!

Falling and moving slowly

Falling slowly

Kris Allen and Anoop Desai always wow me with their superb performance. But for this week, Kris is a bomb after bringing the song from the movie 'Once' called 'falling away'.

It's an amazing song with an amazing lyric...

hope you, too, will like it as much as i do.....

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Moving Slowly

Anyway, I managed to move 60% of my belongings from the kennel to Taman Desa. 10% more will be transferred slowly as I don't want to make a drastic change of environment, plus moving house is tiring. I had a very bad backache after carrying heavy stuff early this week. Whereas the other 30% will be for sale since the old furniture will only ruin the theme color for Taman Desa house.

So, today i finished unpacking those heavy boxes and bags. I got myself a new work station after moving the single bed to the master bedroom.

My new work station

where dreams are made..

This is where I hide all my personal stuff...


Ta daaaaa !!!!

All the toiletries..

My dressing table... It's small but i like the mirror..

so now you know where I live....:)

optimism

Everything is now going on the right track. I would say this might be a blessing in disguise, I will never know. It was never easy to keep your head on a brighter side all the time but yes If you want to be happy with what you are doing then you should be optimistic.

I came to UKM to collect a GRA form from my superior’s office. I was surprised to see the amount she’s giving me per month. It was a good deal. I guess we have found our middle ground at last. Now, I don’t have to think about my financial problem and just focus on writing.

My priorities will still be the same. Write and Write.

Dream on!

I was excited to see Jimmy's pictures from his Euro trip. Mostly I felt jealous. What a lucky lad!!! That was my dream to see the Eiffel tower, to see people smoke crap in public legally, and to see London not from the pictures of course but with my own eyes.

I almost fainted when he told me the amount he spent for the trip. But he said I can always go for a budget trip. As excited as I always am, I began checking the ticket price to London for December this year. Maybe Jim doesn't have to celebrate Xmas and NY alone. Maybe I can be there to celebrate with him on behalf of the whole family.

But yea, reality hurts. I am draining my savings now to sustain myself every month, how am I going to save a 10K in 8 months without a job?

Whatever it is, I must fly across the Indian Ocean to the North, at least once before I have to hit the altar. I Must! I Must! I Must! It's a new target in my bucket list :)

But a small voice told me, "dream on, fellie!" yea, for now.....

The final battle

In time, I will have to delete my previous entry, especially the one written in red. There’s no point getting so furious about it. I have enough guilt bitching about my superior who has done a lot of good things for me in the past. I still feel grateful for her kindness to me though it ended late 2007 after the birth of a double standard which caused a vertical drop to my performance level and of course there were the multiple events in 2008 which gave an extra gravity pull. I struggled to motivate myself because I was only a few percent away from the finishing line.

I was taking my days to process the whole confusion, the burning anger and the throbbing.

What happened to me was actually a-no-rare case. Few friends of mine went through the same thing, though the ending was different as they managed to get out from the mess. Whereas I, I don’t have the upper hand to do that since I have a chain fixed around my ankles. Because I am a MOSTI scholar. Actions can be taken against me if I refuse to obey my superior since she has the power to report against me (She even mentioned ‘blacklist’). I don’t think I can afford the consequences.

So I need to be realistic now. I need to be the one who’s controlling the situation. Yesterday was the last straw of the emotional turmoil. All those endless leaking is done and dusted. I need to put everything behind my head. I need to forget the job appointment which is now biting the dust. It’s time to do the right thing, give her what she wants and just write though I can’t promise the same old kindness anymore. All this while, the double standard was tolerated. Asses were kissed to get things done.

But now onwards, I won’t be the same anymore, so let me kiss my kindness goodbye before I start my journey to the final battle.

Defeated

There was a time.

When I was a school kid. I was staying with my third-older pregnant sister. I was supposed to go to a prom night with my friends. Everything was set, I got a very nice black silky halter dress from my second-older sister who has all the beautiful clothes. I got my new heels from her too (which I have saved for a good occasion). The only thing I need to do is to take the bus and go to a saloon in Karamunsing which at that time was owned by my friend’s sister (That friend happened to be a distant cousin and her sister is my pregnant sister’s BFF back in their school days). My friend managed to talked her sister into giving me a free make-over, later I found out this friend and another friend (my class monitor) were trying to set me up with this guy from All Saints.

Their reasons were,
(1) this guy was interested in meeting me. In person. since we only knew each other through mIRC.
(2) He was one of the famous guy in Likas schools (as if popularity is the most important thing to me). Believe it or not, I was the shy-est girl on earth due to my inferiority complex.
(3) They were just fooling around with me since he’s the tallest guy at school and I am like the shortest girl in class
(4) He actually believed that I have a mixed-blood after looking at my picture and listening to my friend boasting about me.
(5) I was easily bullied.

Of course I didn’t know all the conspiracy they were trying to pull against me. I know they mean no harms. They were just bored with my shy-ness and wanted to help me with my confidence.

Like I said before, everything was set. My friend called me to inform that she’s on her way to her sister’s saloon and asked whether she should drop by to fetch me since my place was just on the way but I told her I’m taking the bus since I need to buy some time persuading my sister for a permission.

Well, of course it didn’t turn out as we hoped for. My sister dropped a bomb.

She said, “If you think prom is that important, then you go. I am not stopping you.” Of course the tone was unpleasant. It was more like a warning, a reverse-psychology threat. She is giving me a suicidal bomb. Like a good kid, I turned around and walked back to my room. I was never allowed to sulk up or I’ll get it worse. So I changed into shorts and TShirt, joined my sister in the living room as if nothing had happened, and just sit there like a good sister.

As a young teenage girl, I felt totally defeated and it was awful. It was supposed to be my first prom night, and there was never the first ever actually. I have seen it on TV and I thought it would be interesting to experience it myself.

Even though my sister didn’t exactly say no, but the improper release is enough to make me understand that consequences would follow if I go against it. I was never known to fight back even though I know I can. I was just afraid of the consequences so I agreed to be treated that way.

And now, the same feelings came back.

A feeling of defeat which need days to process. This time it was not for a teeny-weeny issues, it was an adult case and it was my superior who defeated my rights. I will never forget what happened to me on Thursday.

----THE REST OF THE ENTRY THAT FOLLOWS HAS BEEN DELETED DUE TO THE AUTHOR'S PERSONAL REASONS-------

a low point experience

I feel so down, feel so helpless and definitely feel used. But I know this is the life of a research student and I should not complain. I should have known that but I never get to understand the whole system until I am being sucked into it. The problem is, the environment is not for me anymore. My whole interest in research or science had just vanished and I doubt it will ever come back.

I had the worse 3 years of my life as a student. I know I learned new things along the way, but if I have to recall, everything I have in my memory was just the heartaches, the whinings, the anger, dissatisfactions, the given-up feelings.

It really sucks. I feel so unlucky to be in this place. I should have gone somewhere else where I know I can enjoy doing my post-grad studies. Why did I choose UKM in the first place? I can’t blame them though, I had to leave Sabah at that time and UKM seems to be the only way. But then again, it was another sucker.

I feel so sorry for my superior as I can’t perform well as I used to when I started joining her team. She was initially impressed with my enthusiasms. But a lot of unpleasant things happened along the way – the insults, the favoritism cases, the insufficiencies, the lack of respects for others, the dominations, the highlighted differences etc. How can I perform when this whole thing is eating me alive? I used to be a perfectionist when it comes to academic. Everything has to be perfect and I need to impress my superiors. But now, I feel very irresponsible of course and I don’t like feeling that way. The only thing that has kept me going was the commitment I promised when I accepted the offer to do Master. I am not the kind of person who will just leave without feeling responsible for it so by hook or by crook, I have to finish.

As much as I want to start earning, Responsibilities come first, and like what my late father has always taught us - Be sincere and honest in everything you do. That is why I am not leaving this place yet, even if I know how shitty this place is for me, I had to stay.

I need a hug.

Reappearing

with the bad news and a funeral...

My prof is holding me for 3 months. She refused to release me when she said “I don’t want you to fail your master.” (What she meant was, she doesn’t want to have to fail me).

That’s the worse threat I ever heard!

I have given my first draft thesis, and she said I need to change my thesis arrangement to “A” when I was originally from “A” to “B”(as suggested by her) few weeks ago. I had to rearrange them again. Lucky that was not that tough but remind me not to delete all my past drafts, because I might need to dig them out again since I have a supervisor who can’t make up her mind. Just because she is damn busy, I am the victim of the situation (she needs 3 months to be able to wrap things up with me). She doesn’t have time, yet she demands a lot with the ‘littlest’ supervision and she always doesn’t understand and the only time you can get a good feedback from her is through oral presentation meetings which she sometimes can’t keep up due to her tight schedule. There was a time we had a night presentation meeting up till 12am because that was the only time she has.

I feel bad saying this, because I know she is a nice lady just very busy and needs us to wait. Even an abstract would take a month. When it comes to work, she has to be quite nasty.

So guys, I will have a funeral today.

The funeral of my “JOB OFFER” before 5pm today.

silent hours

2 weeks on a mission to be geeky and hardworking, I am already growing more white hair..
But there is something else that helps to neutralize all this madness of thesis and eternal torture..

A great company, great meal, great wine…. a great wind of change….

Going back to old times seems like a boring idea, but its time to hit the reality and I have to be there to face it anyway
Next week onwards, new life starts to unwind itself to disclose the great mystery ahead

This 2 weeks break is a good ‘silent hours’ for me..
A good escape from all those unthinkable,
It’s like visiting Rome or Paris..
It’s unforgettable..

Time is running… and so is my pen,
Chapter 1 – To be completed once everything else is completed!
Chapter 2 – half way done
Chapter 3 – Checked!
Chapter 4 – Checked!
Chapter 5 – Che----- errr no..daang!!!… I still need more information to argue my points. The absence of internet is making everything hard for me..

p/s to all the good friends out there, who has been cheering for me, really thanks guys... somehow you guys make me feel like this life isnt that bad after all..:)