a low point experience

I feel so down, feel so helpless and definitely feel used. But I know this is the life of a research student and I should not complain. I should have known that but I never get to understand the whole system until I am being sucked into it. The problem is, the environment is not for me anymore. My whole interest in research or science had just vanished and I doubt it will ever come back.

I had the worse 3 years of my life as a student. I know I learned new things along the way, but if I have to recall, everything I have in my memory was just the heartaches, the whinings, the anger, dissatisfactions, the given-up feelings.

It really sucks. I feel so unlucky to be in this place. I should have gone somewhere else where I know I can enjoy doing my post-grad studies. Why did I choose UKM in the first place? I can’t blame them though, I had to leave Sabah at that time and UKM seems to be the only way. But then again, it was another sucker.

I feel so sorry for my superior as I can’t perform well as I used to when I started joining her team. She was initially impressed with my enthusiasms. But a lot of unpleasant things happened along the way – the insults, the favoritism cases, the insufficiencies, the lack of respects for others, the dominations, the highlighted differences etc. How can I perform when this whole thing is eating me alive? I used to be a perfectionist when it comes to academic. Everything has to be perfect and I need to impress my superiors. But now, I feel very irresponsible of course and I don’t like feeling that way. The only thing that has kept me going was the commitment I promised when I accepted the offer to do Master. I am not the kind of person who will just leave without feeling responsible for it so by hook or by crook, I have to finish.

As much as I want to start earning, Responsibilities come first, and like what my late father has always taught us - Be sincere and honest in everything you do. That is why I am not leaving this place yet, even if I know how shitty this place is for me, I had to stay.

I need a hug.