The final battle

In time, I will have to delete my previous entry, especially the one written in red. There’s no point getting so furious about it. I have enough guilt bitching about my superior who has done a lot of good things for me in the past. I still feel grateful for her kindness to me though it ended late 2007 after the birth of a double standard which caused a vertical drop to my performance level and of course there were the multiple events in 2008 which gave an extra gravity pull. I struggled to motivate myself because I was only a few percent away from the finishing line.

I was taking my days to process the whole confusion, the burning anger and the throbbing.

What happened to me was actually a-no-rare case. Few friends of mine went through the same thing, though the ending was different as they managed to get out from the mess. Whereas I, I don’t have the upper hand to do that since I have a chain fixed around my ankles. Because I am a MOSTI scholar. Actions can be taken against me if I refuse to obey my superior since she has the power to report against me (She even mentioned ‘blacklist’). I don’t think I can afford the consequences.

So I need to be realistic now. I need to be the one who’s controlling the situation. Yesterday was the last straw of the emotional turmoil. All those endless leaking is done and dusted. I need to put everything behind my head. I need to forget the job appointment which is now biting the dust. It’s time to do the right thing, give her what she wants and just write though I can’t promise the same old kindness anymore. All this while, the double standard was tolerated. Asses were kissed to get things done.

But now onwards, I won’t be the same anymore, so let me kiss my kindness goodbye before I start my journey to the final battle.