Mistakenly fined!

BERIKUT ADALAH SENARAI SAMAN SEHINGGA 19/12/2009:

POLIS: BJN9034 Saman 1 10/31/2008 7:00:00 PM SHAH ALAM RM30.00 HALANGAN LALULINTAS 1-DA610923
POLIS: BJN9034 Saman 2 7/19/2009 10:30:00 PM MANJUNG RM200.00 TIDAK PAKAI TOPI KELEDAR 2-AA386398

How do i prove that these are not my tickets?

and... Since when do we have to use helmet while driving a car?

here and now

I will try my very best to update my blog at least once a week. My words are becoming shorter each day and the only communication I have for now is my brain, if you ever call 'that' a communication. My daily life is burning me out everyday. Work, family and also my professor who is still taking a long time correcting my thesis.

Work has been busy everyday. I had to face new things every single day. My job in the office are basically 30% Procurement, 20% administration tasks, 10% HR and 20% project development tasks which include 20% of finance (imagine all the costing & budget I have to do). It's like setting up a whole new company from scratch. Well, as a matter of fact, it is still a new company under the group company. You want solid experience? Go for manufacturing industry. You will learn a lot in no time. My BIL told me that he will put me as one of the board members once I am ready. But I am not sure how involved I am mentally and emotionally in this family business. I think they gonna kill me if they find out about this. Never ever get involved in family business. You don't know when you should apply the principle of "family comes first" because business always gets in the way.

Family. This year I am an aunty of 11 beautiful nieces (3 newly born nieces) and 10 nephews (1 newly born nephew). We don't really practice favoritism when it comes to the second generation of the family. But I truly fell in love with my beautiful niece who was born on 9th September 2009 (09.09.09). I have no idea why it felt like she's mine. It's like i can feel my womb when i touch her (scary huh?). My love for her has grown from just being an aunty into being a mother. She cried a lot at night but when I was there to put her to sleep, she hugs me like she recognize me as her mother, and only tears can measure up how much i felt for her that night. When she was having flu and having problems breathing, I stayed up all night making sure she does not suffocate. Even a slight move will wake me up in the middle of the night. When she has trouble sleeping, I will put her on my chest, rest my back on a pillow and cover both of us in a comforter to sleep. We both slept peacefully that night and she woke up only on the rising sun. Leaving her was a painful moment and everyday i had to text my sister to send me a photo of her through MMS. In my handphone, you will only see most pictures of hers. She's coming this friday, and that means happiness for me.

Thesis. Sigh. My prof is taking too long. She knows it is ready for submission but she told me she feels it is her responsibility to improve my writing according to her level. How much can I do other than giving her my best? Yet, she asked me to add another 3 months for writing. I was like, "I've finished! Done! What else can I write?" I told her, "That's it prof, I have spoken to my family and they insisted that I finish everything this semester. I am coming to 28 next year. I have to start earning." She finally understands and agreed with me. yes. at last.

Me and boyfriend :( time will tell. Looks like for now, it has to be career first.

TEAM JACOB!!!!!

wow, it has been so long since my last post.. My blog is almost forgotten....:)

I know many of you have been wondering about my absence. A lot of things happened. But i dont want to talk about all that right now. The only thing that's been bugging my head is...................of course none other than

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I watched it twice so far, and ---Taylor Lautner did surprise me *SCREAMMM* . Amazingly, I was all too willing to switch my love for Edward to Jacob Black. Yea, you heard me. :) Team Jacob for now....

I just can't stop talking about Jacob and I am glad they made him stay for New Moon despite being second-guessed before they confirmed the casting. Well, bear with me guys... I just wanna take this short hours to babble about twilight before i go back to my real world.

Bella, she's just..... Bella, my favourite human in Twilight. Speaking of my favourite, my favourite moment of her was the part where she sat in front of her window watching the changing weather and the camera spin around her with this song "possibility by Lykke Li". Needless to say, the suffering of hers was totally immense and it's like I can almost feel her emotions at that moment. When I heard this song, I was like.... "this is her sufferings, her emotions..." To my collegue, she said it's a Yoga song, very hypnotizing...

Edward, owh Edward.... Despite his absence in most part in New Moon, my favourite part was when he said to Bella "This is the last time you ever see me..." It's like he's forcing the words out with so much of hidden pain inside. It's like he is breaking up with me...(..sob sob...) Not forgetting, his smile when he uttered, "Marry me, Bella..." That was so Edward's version of 'kinkYness'..

Alice..... she's my fav vampire after Edward. My favourite part of her was when she said, "....After you let the dog out...." I always like her...

JACOBBBBB!!!!! *GULP* I am so crazy for him... *twinkle in my eyes* :):)

spanked for laughing!!

This is a Japanese funny show about a classroom where the "so-called students" are not allowed to laugh or they'll get smacked.

Even a serious person can't get away from getting smacked!! Enjoy watching :P

The Company

Last Friday, we had one of the biggest function for the company. It looked to me that this is going to be a turning point, if all goes well of course. A millionaire will turn billionaire. If you know my life, you know what I mean. So now, tell me the reason why I shouldn't be worried of what's coming.

Still wondering which company i joined/work for?

READ THIS..

*Click on the photo for best view

Holly & Faith

Tears are falling

But not for sadness,
it’s the joy you bring to this world…

Tears are falling,
because of your soft skin,
your gentle gaze,
Your calming voice,

You grab her fingers,
It’s like asking if it’s going to be alright

The world may be cruel,
But you will be protected, you will be loved, you will be caressed..
For the feelings you gave us are just indescribable..

Congrats to my brother and wife for their newborn baby girl..
and to to our dearest friend who just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl..

Successful Conversation

Now I understand why i don't feel like posting anything here..

These few weeks, i feel nothing but resentment, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, sadness, weariness, anger and the list goes on. I don't think that is what i want to share with the outside world. That should be personal. It's not like you are trying to hide your true color, but I believe some things are better left unsaid. Rather than letting people make the wrong judgment about you and you start arguing with them to let them see your true self. I think that is a total bull.

I started this blog because I want to share my perspective of things so maybe people might use something through my experience. And for today, I found out something new.

Before I start, I would like to announce that I have submitted my abstract and in a month's time, I am hoping to submit my thesis. That will depend on my prof's speed reading. But I am not here to talk about thesis.

I am currently working for my brother in law in Damansara. The pay is good enough for a degree holder. I actually had no choice but to take it since I don't have a valid reason to turn his offer down. Like usual, I need money to pay my monthly bills. I got nothing to lose since I am allowed to go to UKM any day I want, and I can even do my thesis work in the office. Somehow I think my bro in law needs me here to be his eyes and ears. I meet different type of people here and everyday i learn a new thing from everyone here despite being the only girl in the office.

SO today, I had a breakfast chat with this one guy. Basically all my colleagues here are also a family friend, they all know my family like almost everything. Some of them only know us after working in the company. But all in all, everyone knows everyone.

Coming back to the breakfast story, it was nice having a chat with this guy. But the ending was not how I wanted to be. You know when you talk to someone, if the outcome must is a satisfactory to both parties, then you call that a successful conversation because a two-way communication was achieved. But this conversation we had was closed to failure. I almost don't understand what he was trying to make me see his points, and i don't think he understands my points either. So it was like a very silly conversation between us both.

Then, we went back to the office. I forced the guy who helped me designed my blog header to talk to me while I have my nasi lemak in the office. He gave me what I wanted. A successful conversation which satisfied the two-way communication rules.

Will talk more about it later. Need to got to the airport.

What The Fudge??

There were tons of time I tried posting something here but it just didn’t happen. It feels like digging my organs out from my system. So I decided to wait ..

Of course a lot of things happened lately, I just see no point of telling it to the world.

I am almost done publishing my own stories.
Maybe there is one part of me which I want to keep discreet.
Maybe I put myself so transparent that people can just see me behind the sheets.

It’s like that Hollywood life, everyone knows what you have been up to, and you feel like you have lost the most important part in your life – your privacy. But the unhollywood part about this is, it wasn’t the outside world who violated your privacy, it’s the person himself (or herself).

One thing I don’t like about posting anything here is that, I think I have been complaining – A Lot. Well, that’s the point of having this blog isn’t it? It’s to tell the world what goes in my heart and divulging the essence of my living.

So basically right now, even you yourself can tell that I am writing this post straight from the core of my heart. I might regret this once I hit the ‘post it’ button. Try me.

I am tired of everything.
I am tired of finding out what happen to everyone,
I am tired of telling people what I have been up to.
I am tired of the same thing that goes in my life which never seems to fade.
I am tired of not being able to undo things.
I am tired of not being able to be loud.
I am tired of being bullied.
I am tired of being told.
I am tired of lying to myself.
I am tired of smirking at people’s rubbish.
I am tired of listening to my own complaints.
I am tired of listening to others complain about their imperfect life when obviously their life is better than those kids in Africa. At least you don’t have to see a fly licking on your wounds.

I am just tired. I should blame my monthly visitor. Remind me not to write every first week of the month.

But then again, when you see yourself in the mirror, you feel like spitting on the glassy image-reflecting surface. Sometimes I feel ashamed of complaining when I have food coming to me every single day. Yes we have to earn some money to live, I know that and yes maybe we are not doing something that we like, but what’s the fudging wrong with that? You don’t have to lick on your boss’s a** to do your job right?

So, I think complaining is just a waste of time. Sharing about how you feel? Maybe acceptable, but complaining? You’re not even those people who have to pick up rubbish to have dinner or to have a “Vulture” beside you waiting for you to die so they can have their dead cake for dinner.

Oh, give me a break. I should tell myself to stop complaining.

At least the good news is, my air-cond is fixed. I can sleep peacefully tonight :)

Michael Jackson (1958-2009) and his Legacy

I spent the whole day today watching the exclusive footage of Michael Jackson’s memorial service from CNN, E! and also BBC news. Many offered tribute to the late King of Pop with thousands of fans attended the event in Staples center, LA. My favorite part was when Brooke Shield shared her memories of Michael Jackson..

......and the unforgettable heartbreaking part was to see Paris, Michael’s daughter struggled to say her final words to the public.

On the other hand, Rev. Al Sharpton’s powerful tribute to Michael Jackson was really an inspiring moment.

Please don’t ask me why I was so crazy about the news. MJ brought the whole world together, eliminating all barriers. Whatever craps the media has said about Michael, I truly believe he is a kind and loving person. It’s not us to judge, and whether he is in heaven now, It’s between him and God. One thing I do acknowledge about MJ was his unparalleled talent, a singer & dancer beyond compare whose music united people of all backgrounds. He is also a wonderful humanitarian. No matter how people felt about him personally, Michael gave a tremendous amount to the music industry. His legacy was his music and his legacy will live on forever. Michael fought a good fight, everybody has to know his story. He will be honored forever.

Michael Jackson will be rested temporarily in Forest Lawn Cemetery, a private memorial park in L.A. However, the Jackson family wants MJ to be buried in his old home, the Neverland Ranch though it was stated in California law that human remains can only be buried in a licensed cemetery.

I grew up with his music, and I never thought that one day it will come to this. Michael Jackson is gone forever. May his soul rest in peace.

Eyes are blind,
You have to look with your heart,
What's more important is invincible..

Financial responsibilities

I was thinking.

Was I really blessed? Or, was I just plain lucky?

I got a job from a biology company in April. I took the offer and quit my teaching job. Then, my supervisor discouraged me to go for it. I was worried. I just quit my job from a tuition center and I was warned not to work full time. It was in April, and I only have about 2 months to earn as much as I can before i meet my biggest financial responsibilities in July.

My weariness was finally ended after a friend offered me to work for her boss since they need an intern to help out. They paid me well, more than I deserve…. So was I blessed or was I just plain lucky?

So, in those two months, with a lot of hard work, I managed to earn nearly rm5k (including some from my GRA scheme approved by my supervisor). It was not easy. I had to cut down on a lot of expenses and activities. I was tired most of the time. I remember how I dragged myself each time I feel like giving up. The fatigue due to excessive use of energy really burned me out to the max. I had to fight my depression otherwise I won’t be able to go on. All the hard work has finally paid off. I am really proud of myself for pushing myself beyond the limit I could take to fulfill my financial responsibilities.

That was why I felt so upset when I had to go to my former rented house to clean the mess that was left, just because everyone thinks it wasn’t their mess. I feel like crying pushing myself to do it because I was just so tired and I only have weekends to rest. Thanks to Emily (for the first cleaning session) and Pearl (for the second cleaning session) who were willing to go down to Bangi to help me out. People told me to chill and relax. It’s not about my temper problem but it was the injustice done to me. I guess each of us led a different life, so it’s no point trying to let others to try on your size of shoes. So I let it go.

Back to my previous story about all these financial responsibilities. In this recent 2 weeks, I have used half of that hard earned money to pay off my semester fees, my car insurance, the monthly installment of my car loan, road tax renewal and my personal insurance. Of course it was not easy for me to go to the ATM machine twice to press a 4 digit amount from my bank account just to pay all the bills and fees. It was a tremendous heartache for me.

But God is great. I survived these 2 months, and I have finally called my boss and told her that it’s time for me to focus on my thesis, so I have to stop this internship. If I get to submit before a certain date, I will get a half refund of my semester fees. It’s still money for me though. As for now I am comfortable with the balance I have in my bank.

Fish bones

The fish is finally ready to be fried. Deep fry.

Why?

Bad news after bad news.

The lady at the counter told me that I still have to pay for my semester fees even if I have submitted my abstract. I will only be excluded from paying once I submit my final draft of thesis to the secretariat. I see no possibilities of resolving that before 26th June as my supervisor is taking weeks for just 3 pages of my chapters. I almost go crazy. How am I going to fork out 1.5K when I have bills to settle next month? Then everything starts to amplify my anxiety. My car insurance is due next month, then my monthly bills of car installment and my insurance premium, and now this?? Roughly I need about rm2500 to pay off the bills. Even a month salary is not enough to settle everything.

I am going broke.

I have been cutting myself off from all sorts of entertainment. The last movie I saw was Twilight last year, and I have stopped buying novels. Fast food is no more in my list of everyday/weekly food and now I am controlling my fuel consumption – no more driving more than 10km unless it is a serious matter. I know this will make a lot of difference.

Looks like little missy has to work every day to complete the figure. Worst case scenario, I just walk to office every day. The heck with all those safety craps.

At the end of the day, the only thing I will have left is just pieces of fish bones.

Fish bones = Me

G.R.E.A.S.E - The Ed's Version...

There is so much to say about the wedding but everything is just stucked in my head...

I did not take pictures. However, I do have a video to share, which I have modified for better quality..

It's the Edwin family's version of GREASE, performed on Sarina & Andy's wedding reception dinner at PUTERA, Tmn Tun Fuad, Kota Kinabalu.

After watching the video, you'll know how much fun we had....

*Please wait until the video is fully loaded to enjoy the video. However, the loading of the video depends on the speed of your internet connection ..

- Performed by Sons/Daughters/Nephews/Nieces of Edwin's family

ENJOY!

a handbook..

I think this is good to share with everyone.. I post it here because i thought it's always good to remind myself of the important things in life while sharing it with others..

A handbook for each and every year indeed !

Health

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy..
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality

11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy
in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18.. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past.
That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum
that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learnwill last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society

25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life

32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Productive & Useful

Saturday is good. Saturday is great. Bcos I really get to sleeeeeeeeep at home. It has been a hectic week for me.

I have been struggling my time with a contract job from a leasing company and my writings for the proceedings for the upcoming conference. It wasn’t easy fitting everything at a time perfectly but I have no choice. I need to have money coming in every month, and at the same time I need to get my thesis work done. I know I can always get money from my family, even my boyfriend doesn’t mind helping me with the car monthly installment. But I have been independent since day one so I think it would be exactly ‘my way of dealing things’ to handle everything on my own without relying on others. Besides, people my age has started earning and I think it would be pretty much embarrassing for me to rely on my family.

My ‘working’ life is basically from 9am-12am. I will go to the office in the morning and come back home for my favourite TV drama at 6pm then I’ll start my thesis work from 7.30pm till its time for bed. It has been very tiring but I like it. Like T, I want to be productive and useful no matter what I do. I know I should have not gone for the contract job since my thesis work is the priority but there are times my thesis work make me feel so hopeless. It wasn’t just about the money for me. This contract job is the only thing that makes me feel useful and worthy. Everyday, I go home with a new hope and a fresh mind to start my work though physically I am already worn out.

Hopefully, things will go well for me and I am looking forward to see what I could do everyday to make life a meaningful one for me. I am not gonna let any single minute to go wasteful with complains and empty talks. This contract job I am doing is also a starting point for me which will be an extra valuable input on my resume.

I remembered my cousin sister told me, every job is the same, the only difference is whether you enjoy doing it or not. Since I enjoy doing what I am doing, I think I am going to continue being useful until I meet the end point of my master life. Being a Libran is always about balance. For me, it’s about doing something that makes me feel useful, while fulfilling my responsibilities which always make me feel emotionally haggard. Whatever it is, at the end of the day, I know I have done a great job making my life significant in my own useful way.

Gym Brat

One way to handle stress is to exercise more. So I am going to take that advice.

After a recommendation from a friend’s colleague, yesterday I paid a visit to Celebrity Fitness in One Utama. We got our 7-days trial and the environment was fun though I expected it to be bigger.

The Gym I visited yesterday

I was not interested in losing weight, just body toning since my fats started to bulge out from my jeans. Worse still, I had to struggle to fit into my jeans of size 25. I used to be size 24 when I was 22 years old, and I expanded to size 25 two years later, and now I am size 26. I was even surprised after finding out that i gained 3kg in these few weeks. I know it’s not really big but I can’t afford to throw away all my levi’s jeans and buy a new one. Even giving it away is such a waste. I loathe it.

My cousin brother’s business card which was given by my mom last week was initially resting on my working table. Erick is one of the sales consultant in this gym located near KL Sentral. So I decided to call him today to find out about the GYM membership. I thought it was a private or less remarkable gym since I never heard of it. He told me about a minimum 6 month contract so I was interested for a free trial. After speaking to him, I googled the gym and guess what I found out? They got great lightings with Hi-tech exercise machines. They even have rock climbing in the middle of the gym center.

The Gym

I was more enthused when I saw some good outlooks about the place from a forum online. Well, my priority is to lose some unnecessary fats around my waist, my thigh and hips to have a proportionate figure. Not to get guys to whistle on my body. It’s just for my own satisfaction and comfort.

So I am going to see my cousin and try out the place today. Hopefully my searching is over and I can have a constant exercise for body toning at the right gym.

Finally, that T-shirt with a statement of “GYM BRAT” fits the right place.

after effect

dang, i was close to bursting..
too demanding family, too many things to do, too many tasks given to me and too little time...

I need a holiday or at least few extra hours per day to settle everything...

I struggled like mad to motivate myself to start my work after 2 weeks having an off mode from my work to entertain family's request.

Because of that 2 weeks off, I have about 2 weeks of work to catch up. Im starting to have acne problems now.

I need to relax.

the singing hero

I have been busy driving my mum and aunt around, it was damn tiring. I dont have time to do my work, worse still, I dont even have my personal time anymore.

You know when Fellie doesnt get her personal time, she'll get cranky.

*slap* *slap*
At least I get to see my mum and spend time with her right??? Oh well, isolation is always the best remedy for a cranky Fellie.

Anyway, I just got to know Hayden Penettiere, the unbreakable cheerleader from the famous series "HEROES" SINGS TOO!! Though many people preferred her acting more than her singing, I personally say the pretty lass has some talents. Check her out!

she's not bad eh??
owh you think she sounds good because it's studio-recorded?
Check this out!



She was challenged in front of the camera and I must say she sounds good behind the mic!

Anoop's out???!!!

Anoop the soulful singer from American Idol is voted out this week...

Sad but true...

Now, I have Kris Allen left in the show to cheer for!!

dirt cheap

I was so excited about friday because I get to meet T and have him for the weekend. Somehow our twisted fate warned us not to meet and he has to stay in Bintulu for the weekend. Apparently, an airplane had a burst tyre during landing and the panicked passengers had no choice but to board off from where the wheel stopped turning. Lucky the crew on duty managed to have it under control otherwise airasia is going to make a history. Bintulu airport was forced to close its business at 6pm due to a stranded airplane on the runway. Calling their engineers from Kuching seemed impossible because they still need to land on Bintulu runway.

So there goes my happiness for the weekend. I have been staying at home for the whole weekend, nursing my lazy butt with a nice long hours of sleeps and good food cooked by my personal 'butler' at home. oh didn't I tell you i spent rm10 for 6 shots of tequila and few glasses of whisky last tuesday in one of the club in Bangsar???

Well, I have retired myself from camwhoring, so there's not many pictures to flaunt here. but i managed to get a few shots so i could boast about my 'luck' to other people.

here goes the few shots i managed to steal using my touch screen xpressMusic camphone - The latest model of Nokia Xpressmusic which disappoint me with its low quality pictures.

The tequila shots..
gulp!

All the drinks we ordered which cost us rm1 each shots/glass. Dirt cheap eh???

you must be wondering what happened to me after all the shots right?

Tell you the truth, I stayed sober till the last drop! Look at the glow on my face?
Do I look Excited???!!!

Who does not enjoy cheap drinks that comes along with loud music onstage!

Four jugs of beer suddenly came to our table, but I have to pass this time. Remember not to mix drinks, especially when you go out drinking. I always go by the rules of "HAVE FUN RESPONSIBLY!"

Nevertheless, a friend was excited to finally meet her happy juice that night! There are few pictures i took but I don't think it is appropriate to embarrass a friend by uploading it here. Personal picture goes personal forever guys. So pardon me for spoiling the fun here and allow me to have it in a safe keeping.

On Sunday, I enjoyed a very brief yet interesting sermon from the priest in SFX where he mentioned about the biggest Britain surprise from the Reality Show "Britains got Talent", Susan Boyle and the cynicism from the audience before she open her mouth to sing.

"Who the heck is Susan Boyle?"

Those who are still stucked in their nutshell, check youtube and type the "Susan Boyle" on the search pane. You will see videos of her on Britain's got Talent.

Another thing that excite me the last weekend was the Clearance Book Sale in Carrefour. Blame my 'nerd' genes for the temptation on books.

But it's worth buying since it's rm5 each and the books are brand new. Look at the number of books (me and a friend combined) which will last me for at least half a year.

Happy!

Falling and moving slowly

Falling slowly

Kris Allen and Anoop Desai always wow me with their superb performance. But for this week, Kris is a bomb after bringing the song from the movie 'Once' called 'falling away'.

It's an amazing song with an amazing lyric...

hope you, too, will like it as much as i do.....

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Moving Slowly

Anyway, I managed to move 60% of my belongings from the kennel to Taman Desa. 10% more will be transferred slowly as I don't want to make a drastic change of environment, plus moving house is tiring. I had a very bad backache after carrying heavy stuff early this week. Whereas the other 30% will be for sale since the old furniture will only ruin the theme color for Taman Desa house.

So, today i finished unpacking those heavy boxes and bags. I got myself a new work station after moving the single bed to the master bedroom.

My new work station

where dreams are made..

This is where I hide all my personal stuff...


Ta daaaaa !!!!

All the toiletries..

My dressing table... It's small but i like the mirror..

so now you know where I live....:)

optimism

Everything is now going on the right track. I would say this might be a blessing in disguise, I will never know. It was never easy to keep your head on a brighter side all the time but yes If you want to be happy with what you are doing then you should be optimistic.

I came to UKM to collect a GRA form from my superior’s office. I was surprised to see the amount she’s giving me per month. It was a good deal. I guess we have found our middle ground at last. Now, I don’t have to think about my financial problem and just focus on writing.

My priorities will still be the same. Write and Write.

Dream on!

I was excited to see Jimmy's pictures from his Euro trip. Mostly I felt jealous. What a lucky lad!!! That was my dream to see the Eiffel tower, to see people smoke crap in public legally, and to see London not from the pictures of course but with my own eyes.

I almost fainted when he told me the amount he spent for the trip. But he said I can always go for a budget trip. As excited as I always am, I began checking the ticket price to London for December this year. Maybe Jim doesn't have to celebrate Xmas and NY alone. Maybe I can be there to celebrate with him on behalf of the whole family.

But yea, reality hurts. I am draining my savings now to sustain myself every month, how am I going to save a 10K in 8 months without a job?

Whatever it is, I must fly across the Indian Ocean to the North, at least once before I have to hit the altar. I Must! I Must! I Must! It's a new target in my bucket list :)

But a small voice told me, "dream on, fellie!" yea, for now.....

The final battle

In time, I will have to delete my previous entry, especially the one written in red. There’s no point getting so furious about it. I have enough guilt bitching about my superior who has done a lot of good things for me in the past. I still feel grateful for her kindness to me though it ended late 2007 after the birth of a double standard which caused a vertical drop to my performance level and of course there were the multiple events in 2008 which gave an extra gravity pull. I struggled to motivate myself because I was only a few percent away from the finishing line.

I was taking my days to process the whole confusion, the burning anger and the throbbing.

What happened to me was actually a-no-rare case. Few friends of mine went through the same thing, though the ending was different as they managed to get out from the mess. Whereas I, I don’t have the upper hand to do that since I have a chain fixed around my ankles. Because I am a MOSTI scholar. Actions can be taken against me if I refuse to obey my superior since she has the power to report against me (She even mentioned ‘blacklist’). I don’t think I can afford the consequences.

So I need to be realistic now. I need to be the one who’s controlling the situation. Yesterday was the last straw of the emotional turmoil. All those endless leaking is done and dusted. I need to put everything behind my head. I need to forget the job appointment which is now biting the dust. It’s time to do the right thing, give her what she wants and just write though I can’t promise the same old kindness anymore. All this while, the double standard was tolerated. Asses were kissed to get things done.

But now onwards, I won’t be the same anymore, so let me kiss my kindness goodbye before I start my journey to the final battle.

Defeated

There was a time.

When I was a school kid. I was staying with my third-older pregnant sister. I was supposed to go to a prom night with my friends. Everything was set, I got a very nice black silky halter dress from my second-older sister who has all the beautiful clothes. I got my new heels from her too (which I have saved for a good occasion). The only thing I need to do is to take the bus and go to a saloon in Karamunsing which at that time was owned by my friend’s sister (That friend happened to be a distant cousin and her sister is my pregnant sister’s BFF back in their school days). My friend managed to talked her sister into giving me a free make-over, later I found out this friend and another friend (my class monitor) were trying to set me up with this guy from All Saints.

Their reasons were,
(1) this guy was interested in meeting me. In person. since we only knew each other through mIRC.
(2) He was one of the famous guy in Likas schools (as if popularity is the most important thing to me). Believe it or not, I was the shy-est girl on earth due to my inferiority complex.
(3) They were just fooling around with me since he’s the tallest guy at school and I am like the shortest girl in class
(4) He actually believed that I have a mixed-blood after looking at my picture and listening to my friend boasting about me.
(5) I was easily bullied.

Of course I didn’t know all the conspiracy they were trying to pull against me. I know they mean no harms. They were just bored with my shy-ness and wanted to help me with my confidence.

Like I said before, everything was set. My friend called me to inform that she’s on her way to her sister’s saloon and asked whether she should drop by to fetch me since my place was just on the way but I told her I’m taking the bus since I need to buy some time persuading my sister for a permission.

Well, of course it didn’t turn out as we hoped for. My sister dropped a bomb.

She said, “If you think prom is that important, then you go. I am not stopping you.” Of course the tone was unpleasant. It was more like a warning, a reverse-psychology threat. She is giving me a suicidal bomb. Like a good kid, I turned around and walked back to my room. I was never allowed to sulk up or I’ll get it worse. So I changed into shorts and TShirt, joined my sister in the living room as if nothing had happened, and just sit there like a good sister.

As a young teenage girl, I felt totally defeated and it was awful. It was supposed to be my first prom night, and there was never the first ever actually. I have seen it on TV and I thought it would be interesting to experience it myself.

Even though my sister didn’t exactly say no, but the improper release is enough to make me understand that consequences would follow if I go against it. I was never known to fight back even though I know I can. I was just afraid of the consequences so I agreed to be treated that way.

And now, the same feelings came back.

A feeling of defeat which need days to process. This time it was not for a teeny-weeny issues, it was an adult case and it was my superior who defeated my rights. I will never forget what happened to me on Thursday.

----THE REST OF THE ENTRY THAT FOLLOWS HAS BEEN DELETED DUE TO THE AUTHOR'S PERSONAL REASONS-------

a low point experience

I feel so down, feel so helpless and definitely feel used. But I know this is the life of a research student and I should not complain. I should have known that but I never get to understand the whole system until I am being sucked into it. The problem is, the environment is not for me anymore. My whole interest in research or science had just vanished and I doubt it will ever come back.

I had the worse 3 years of my life as a student. I know I learned new things along the way, but if I have to recall, everything I have in my memory was just the heartaches, the whinings, the anger, dissatisfactions, the given-up feelings.

It really sucks. I feel so unlucky to be in this place. I should have gone somewhere else where I know I can enjoy doing my post-grad studies. Why did I choose UKM in the first place? I can’t blame them though, I had to leave Sabah at that time and UKM seems to be the only way. But then again, it was another sucker.

I feel so sorry for my superior as I can’t perform well as I used to when I started joining her team. She was initially impressed with my enthusiasms. But a lot of unpleasant things happened along the way – the insults, the favoritism cases, the insufficiencies, the lack of respects for others, the dominations, the highlighted differences etc. How can I perform when this whole thing is eating me alive? I used to be a perfectionist when it comes to academic. Everything has to be perfect and I need to impress my superiors. But now, I feel very irresponsible of course and I don’t like feeling that way. The only thing that has kept me going was the commitment I promised when I accepted the offer to do Master. I am not the kind of person who will just leave without feeling responsible for it so by hook or by crook, I have to finish.

As much as I want to start earning, Responsibilities come first, and like what my late father has always taught us - Be sincere and honest in everything you do. That is why I am not leaving this place yet, even if I know how shitty this place is for me, I had to stay.

I need a hug.

Reappearing

with the bad news and a funeral...

My prof is holding me for 3 months. She refused to release me when she said “I don’t want you to fail your master.” (What she meant was, she doesn’t want to have to fail me).

That’s the worse threat I ever heard!

I have given my first draft thesis, and she said I need to change my thesis arrangement to “A” when I was originally from “A” to “B”(as suggested by her) few weeks ago. I had to rearrange them again. Lucky that was not that tough but remind me not to delete all my past drafts, because I might need to dig them out again since I have a supervisor who can’t make up her mind. Just because she is damn busy, I am the victim of the situation (she needs 3 months to be able to wrap things up with me). She doesn’t have time, yet she demands a lot with the ‘littlest’ supervision and she always doesn’t understand and the only time you can get a good feedback from her is through oral presentation meetings which she sometimes can’t keep up due to her tight schedule. There was a time we had a night presentation meeting up till 12am because that was the only time she has.

I feel bad saying this, because I know she is a nice lady just very busy and needs us to wait. Even an abstract would take a month. When it comes to work, she has to be quite nasty.

So guys, I will have a funeral today.

The funeral of my “JOB OFFER” before 5pm today.

silent hours

2 weeks on a mission to be geeky and hardworking, I am already growing more white hair..
But there is something else that helps to neutralize all this madness of thesis and eternal torture..

A great company, great meal, great wine…. a great wind of change….

Going back to old times seems like a boring idea, but its time to hit the reality and I have to be there to face it anyway
Next week onwards, new life starts to unwind itself to disclose the great mystery ahead

This 2 weeks break is a good ‘silent hours’ for me..
A good escape from all those unthinkable,
It’s like visiting Rome or Paris..
It’s unforgettable..

Time is running… and so is my pen,
Chapter 1 – To be completed once everything else is completed!
Chapter 2 – half way done
Chapter 3 – Checked!
Chapter 4 – Checked!
Chapter 5 – Che----- errr no..daang!!!… I still need more information to argue my points. The absence of internet is making everything hard for me..

p/s to all the good friends out there, who has been cheering for me, really thanks guys... somehow you guys make me feel like this life isnt that bad after all..:)

the news

As I have mentioned in my previous entry, I just got a job. Some friends thought I am getting married. Pardon me for being ludicrously elusive about the good news!! Marriage for me goes later since I am more excited about growing my career now. I know words spread around, penetrating through boundaries, in fact, T’s mom actually pushed the subject on us. Her reason was to get us married before I lose my youthfulness. I guess what she meant was, I look old standing beside T. Well, ‘that’ good news will come when the time comes alright?

I just got a job from a life science company (I can’t reveal the name here because I wouldn’t want to be found on google based on the keywords), where I will be working closely with hospitals and private medical centers. Fyi, I am not selling equipments or products, it’s more to service and consultation. Ask me when you see me in person.

I was really excited about the employment because this will be the first time I actually go out there and do something different in my life. My mom of course wasn’t so thrilled with the news, saying she’s being abandoned. She really wanted me to be there and I feel bad I can’t hold my life for her.

The good thing is, after the first acceptance, few offers actually came to me. An environmental company from Bangsar called up this morning and wanted to hire me. The offer was really tempting but the problem was they wanted me to join them as soon as next Monday. That will be less than a week for me to wrap up my thesis. So it was very unfortunate for me.

I called my tuition center boss, I think she’s scratching her head now looking for someone to take over my spot as it will be difficult for me to juggle my time between full-time and part time job. I wanted to help my students but it won’t be fair for them as I can’t provide them full attention.

It’s really sad that my good news has disappointed some people as I don’t like to disappoint anybody with my incapabilities.

Let’s see where it’ll take me from here..

Till then, sayonara for now…