when the days were numbered, and Angel took my dad as how God has planned it..

It has been a month.

And I guess it’s time.

It’s time to tell you how it was before my dad took his last breath.

10 days before my dad passed away, on the 31st of October, I went home to spend more time with dad. Thanks to my sister, Imelda, who was kind enough to pay for the flight ticket which cost her a bomb for me and Kane.

I saw dad. On the bed, looking at me and Kane as we arrived. There was a smile on his face. A happy smile. that we have arrived at last. He was waiting for us and has been asking about our arrival even few days before we fly back. Dad as always, was very impatient. “When are they reaching? What time will they be here? Where are they now?”. Cant blame dad. He was missing his daughters.

Looking at him, I know he’s not well. “Fellie, give me the bucket.” I took it, and he vomited. The next day, he kept holding his bucket. I hold his stomach, it felt like there’s a lump. Everytime he hiccups, there will be a ‘blook’ sound in his stomach. That sound gave me a goose bump.
The next day, dad’s condition aggravated. He couldn’t eat, he vomited a lot. Everybody was tearing, failed to hold back their tears to see dad suffered that way.

That night, he told me. “It will be better to end this now.” I cried. I told him, “Please don’t say that, we still need you here.”

On Sunday morning after mass, we brought him back to KK. Sister Lidwina took control of everything. Morphine was supplied daily by the palliative care center of HQE. My sister cleared his stomach by inserting a tube into his stomach through his nose.

Dad was in pain, “Please take it away, Lidwina. It’s too painful. I can’t take it.”

His vomit was dark liquids. A lot. Really a lot.

“Please hold it, dad. Please, just a bit more. You feel better after this. Please hold it.”

It was very emotional. Rosie went away unable to witness the painful moments. I was crying like a baby looking at the drainage bag where all the dark liquids from his stomach was sucked through the tube. The bucket was half full with the dark liquids. The drainage bag was 1 litre full.
After the procedure was done, dad felt better.

“Are you flying back to KL today?”

“I have to.”

So I flew back to KL that night with a heavy sigh.

The next day, Kane contacted me. They’ve been trying to contact me for many hours but I was unreachable. Kane’s message on facebook was, “Lai, call us asap.”

I called them.

“I think you better come back.”

I was more worried of my work that time. “Why, what’s wrong with dad.”

“It’s very hard to explain. Everyone said you better come back.”

Knowing my family, I asked “Tell me the truth if I really really have to come back. You know I have a lot of work to finish. I am about to finish here. Tell me, that dad is still okay. If you say he’s not okay, then I will come back.”

Almost lost of words, Kane said, “I don’t know what to say. Yesterday, they were already discussing about what’s gonna happen next and they even made preparations. That’s all I can say.”

That means, dad doesn’t have much time.

“Okay, get me the ticket.”
“Good. You have less than 4 hours before your flight.”
“TONIGHT??” I just came back from KK last night. It’s 5.30pm and I am flying at 9pm?? But in the end, I said, “ok, see you tonight.”

Within 24 hours, I was in KK, then in KL, then back in KK. It was tiring.

Dad was okay on Tuesday. So was Wednesday. Thursday morning, it was my turn to bath him. After I gave him his bath, his body became warm and warmer. He slept the whole day until the next day, only woke up few minutes to pee and drink. We monitored his body temp, his blood pressure and his heart beat. It was irregular. Dad started to look for people. Time was almost up. We had a false alarm on Thursday night, dad was still able to give his last advice to us before he could no longer talk.

Saturday, dad could hardly talk. He could hardly open his eyes. His face was different. His mouth was changing. Saturday night, he lost his strength. He couldn’t move his hands to his head. We had to carry his hand so he will be able to scratch his nose or his head. He couldn’t even use his energy on his hand to pee. We had to help him. Dad’s body was deteriorating. And the changes was rapid, it was like a fast warning. We prepared everyone, get them to talk to dad. Everyone of us, including his grandchildren.

Saturday night was the last night I was awake to take care of dad. Kane woke me up at 2.30am. It was my turn to watch over dad until the sun rises. Immediately, I sat beside dad. Looking at dad, I could no longer hold my sadness. I took dad’s hand, and so I prayed.

“God, my dad has suffered a lot. He has been a good son to You. Have mercy on him, oh Lord. If he is not going to be healed, then, take him oh Lord. End his sufferings.”

T came and sat beside me. He took dad’s hand. Hold me with his other hand. He told, “I’m so sorry.”

He was tearing as I was tearing.

That early morning, we left house at 6.30am to go for Sunday mass at the Carmelite church. I gave my prayer/mass request to the priest, not knowing what’s going to happen that evening. As we came back home, sister told us that dad has a bad soar on his backside. The skin is waiting to burst.

Sunday evening as the sun is setting, dad’s heart was getting weaker. Sister was aware of dad’s situation. We keep track of dad’s pulse, BP and his body temp for every 30mins.

Sunday 7pm, we know that dad is leaving. Everyone knows it. Everyone was crying out loud. Everyone was on dad’s bed.

7.30pm, each of us was asked to give our last word to dad and say our goodbyes. When it was my turn, I put my hands on dad's chest. I can hardly feel his heart beat. "Oh, my! his heart is stopping!!"

7.45pm, dad took his last breath. In few minutes, his whole body turned white and icy cold.

We knew, at that very moment, Angel came and took dad away from us.

Dad was never alone. Everyone slept around his bed. EVERYONE.

Dad, when he can still open his eyes

We had our small care center for dad at home

His cancer has complicated his condition, and it was his heart that took him away,
for years dad fought for his heart problem, and within months after he was diagnosed for stomach cancer (stage 4), dad's body was deteriorating fast enough that we couldn't believe the drastic changes...

and dad left us all on 9th November at 7.45pm

Dad, we will always miss you.

and now, it's your time to watch over us from heaven..
We love you, Dad....

Bouncing back from the lowliness..

At last I managed to shut off all the depressing thoughts in my head, not entirely but it’s bearable now. I am getting on fine. Thanks Pearl. Thanks Lyd. Thanks everyone. Especially to T, thank you so much for helping me go through this tough time.


You know it’s funny when you meet someone who doesn’t know much about you, and in your head you’re saying, “He/She doesn’t know I have a dark secret.” Stupidly, I smiled to myself. Hmm, weird. But yea, I’ve been weird for the past few weeks. Everything that was happening around me was also weird. It has been weird.


A week ago, I decided to stay KL for Xmas (which in the end i decided to go back to the original plan). I just don’t want another series of sadness at home. I don’t want another fear to go through at home. I don’t want to be shouted by someone who is not even your blood. I don’t want to hear any more selfish advice. I don't want to smell any more beer from his mouth, talking immoderately with saliva flying over to my face as though i have committed myself to severe crimes.

It’s time to have my peace back.

It’s time to live every moment with smiles.

It’s time to go wild, have fun and be responsible at the same time.

It’s time to laugh out loud.

It’s time to be happy.

It’s time to cry about happy things.

It’s time to work hard.

The finishing line is just a few steps away. Wish me luck, my friend.

The lowest point of life

At this time around,
when things are getting tougher,
when you could no longer put your hands together to pray to God..
you only have yourself to count on..

For all the things that are happening around you,
the demise of your beloved,
all the betrayal you never foresee,
all the hurtful words thrown to you,
all the sickening people haunting your mind with ridiculous words in their mouth
the person that you never expected to come,
the only thing you have been waiting for but you're about to eliminate it from the face of the earth...

what more can i predict what's coming..

because all the things that i fear to come....is now here..

Edwin's waltz

Earlier this month, I went back to KK to attend my brother's wedding. It was one of the most beautiful wedding ceremony we ever had in Edwin's family. The first wedding was in 1992 or 1993, and I was one of the flower girls for my brother Cyprinus's wedding, then followed by Hermes's wedding, then the sister's, Lidwina and Rosie.

The sequence was more than 10 years ago.

Now it's the younger generation's turn to run the sequence.

Like every one else, I am very proud of my own family though crisis are inevitable at times. There are 14 siblings, not including the in laws, nephews and nieces. We are more than good to qualify for a football team (by number of course).

Absolutely we couldnt have done it until here if it was not for my dad who has been there supporting us since birth. Dad has been the one stressing out the importance of education and hardwork, though at that time, many of his friends stopped their children's education to help the family earn a living. My dad had a different mindset. He had to work for many jobs at one time to make sure money is sufficient for our education. Remember, my dad has 14 kids. One job salary was not good enough. He worked for 55 years (since he was about 10 years old). He pushed for his retirement at the age of 65. Even at that time, his employer wanted him to work for them for another 2 years (that's how my father was acknowledged by his community).

Now. Here we are. The Edwin kids. showing our gratitude for all the hardships dad has gone through in his whole life. A dance for our dearly beloved father. A dance which we have performed for Fred's wedding in 2007 and Jack's wedding this year.

So here.

I present to you.

The Edwin's version of Waltz.

Edwin's Waltz.

Enjoy!

The end of my denial -An Agony Disclosed-

It started one evening before I left the kennel for my tuition session in EduYoung, I sent an sms to Herman (*name has been changed), dad’s health therapist.

“Herman, can you honestly tell me how long does he (my dad) has?”

Of course, his reply was nothing like fairy tales. I refused to write (type) down the details here as disclosing it will be like agreeing to it. I believe in my prayers and I believe that many friends have been offering me their prayers.

It was a painful moment for me. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t say a word. Before leaving my room, rushing for my tuition, I sent SMSes to friends, asking them to offer their prayers for the completion of my project (labworks) so I can go home as soon as possible to spend as much time as I can with dad, especially when I still have the chance. To those who have been so kind for extending their prayers for me, I would like to forward my sincere gratitude for your care and concern. That would be the greatest birthday gift I ever had.

Speaking of birthday, my birthday was 4 days ago. I decided not to celebrate it as bday for me this time is just a bday. I am not going to crack my head to think, “what presents would I get this time?”, “How many bday wishes in my friendster comments would I get this time?” or “Who would give me a surprise bday party?”

Regardless, I had early birds sending me birthday wishes, and I thought it was already 20th October as I didn’t bother much about the dates, especially my birthday.

It’s not only the age that has taken away all the excitement, but the sacrifice that I would like to make for myself.

All this while, “birthdays” are one of the most important event to celebrate every year. But for the soreness that I have been feeling all this while, I can only feel bitterness and birthdays somehow are just an empty episode where you spend money or other people spend money on you.

Pardon me for the full-blown pessimism of this post. I just couldn’t care much about birthday as the only thing I really want at this very moment is prayers.

Those who actually intended to celebrate it with me, but was warned beforehand not to do anything, thanks for your sincere intention and your understanding. But not to disappoint my friends, I did try my very best to accommodate to some activities. I was very pleased that we did it as how i wanted it. No cake. No present. Except for a spontaneous birthday song from Emm with her 'main masuk' backup singer Jamie and Maria (Well, i can't just snap at her when she was singing right? :) Thanks Emm. That was really sweet.)

Why exactly I am not celebrating my birthday is because, if there is another “happiness” that I would get in this life, that would be my dad’s perfect health. I am willing to give away all the happiness I could get from birthdays to have my dad in a pink of health. This was my sacrifice and for the punishment for being denial all this while. It’s time to face the truth.

Dad is suffering.

As much as I wanted him to be with us, it was more painful to see him going through the sufferings of his illness.

Lie receives the award from Gnet

Sorry peeps. This has to come late since i was busy with my brother's wedding.

So.

Here.

Thanks Gnet for the award.

”For the coolest blog I ever know” ?????

Wow, it’s a great honor to be acknowledged this way *flattered*

Alright, now I supposed it’s my turn to do my part..

.... those who decided to accept this award, they will follow the below steps:

1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded you.
3. Nominate 10 other blogs.
4. Add links to those blogs on yours.
5. Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs.

1. Jep - Coolest writing. I like the way he put his feelings/stories into writings.
2. Gnet – Coolest creativity. she has her own ways to attract the readers to keep visiting her blog.
3. Emm – Coolest effort. She blogs a lot. She loves to write about every little thing. She’ll say “I wanna blog about this… I wanna blog about that!!” Somehow im too scared to be near her cos she might just blog about me!!
4. Rubern – Coolest food. He loves food. And I love food. If u wanna try something new, try this food-based blog. Who knows you might get an idea for your first date.
5. Maria – Coolest comics. She’s just too funny. Her blog explains a lot about her character.
6. Prakash – Coolest photos. He blogs about the pictures he took. Love his piece of work.
7. Lydia – Coolest lazy blogger. she seldom update her blog. Hopefully this award will push her to update more frequently.
8. Lionel – Coolest drama. His blog is quite dramatic for me. It's cool and i like the drama..
   
9. Nova – Coolest (Excellent!) spiritual inspiration. If you say my writing is meaningful. Try checking her blog. Her writings always make me ‘go back to the basic”. Beautiful writing.
10. Che Det – Coolest political writings. An update and insight about Msian politics and the economy. The author himself is the coolest person i ever known.

the apple green myvi

I have few stories to tell. So I am gonna do that all in one entry. So please bear with me.

First of all,
Today I finished by calibration report, hoping that Prof will accept my calibration so I can proceed on my recovery test (I hate labs…Kill me so I don’t have to do labwork anymore).

Secondly,
I have finished teaching my PMR student. The weird thing is, only today I get to make her understand the whole topic of science. You know why?

Time constraint!!

I only have time to point out the important details of the whole subject (about 35 chapters all of them). All this while ‘sayang my liur’ only, because the more details I gave her, the more confuse I get.

To those who intend to be a tutor in the future. My tips - don’t give too much details. Just the important ones. Once you make them understand the important points, it will be easier for them to accept the details.

Alright, let’s go to the story I have been wanting to tell since the beginning.

It’s about this green apple myvi.

Emm and Maria came back today. I joined them for an early dinner at Ameer Ali near the kennel before I rush myself to Semenyih. Jamie was busy talking with Maria and Priscilla (If I got her name correctly) and Emm was busy entertaining her calls (She received calls at least from 3 different person… my goodness, she’s a busy lady!).

So I was basically watching at everyone’s behavior while eating, interrupting anyone or jumping to any topics of conversation whenever I can, but of course every time I tried, I failed because Jamie was talking and she won’t stop until she finish her stories. And when she tells her stories, she deliver it with full energy and many kinds of expression. so of course no one including me can beat that.

Then suddenly, I saw this face. The face that I recognize.

The road bully!

I remembered his face.

Bald. Specky. Plum.
And he has this eyes that I really despise.
His face...
A face of a "Mr.Hyde", I would say.

Memory came back to me.

I looked at him with a great feeling of disgust.
I don’t know why, maybe you’ll understand after I finish this story.

Two days before Raya, I was driving from KL going back to the kennel. The road was empty, so I was enjoying the ride. I was at the traffic light after Kajang toll, waiting on red light. When it turned green, all cars were moving almost sluggishly. I was in the middle lane at that time, and the cars in front of me were taking too long to move. All the cars on my left (the first lane) almost cleared the traffic light, no cars behind so I decided to take the first lane. When I was half way turning my wheel, a green apple myvi was approaching with a very high speed, honking me from a great distance, maybe about 80 metres away, going uphill.

He was honking and honking, giving me an obvious signal for me to move away.

“Okay okay, I get it!!”

The cars in front of me started to move, so I managed to keep my lane. He was speeding but still managed to sneer at me when he shoved away beside me. I shook my head thinking what a crazy driver this guy is.

I thought that was just it.

Cars were going fast since we were in the fast lane. Within minutes all the cars including that myvi were behind.

To my surprise, the driver in the green apple myvi was still furious! He cut to my lane, purposely provoking me by ramming off his car really close behind me. He might as well knock me behind if I hit a sudden break.

So again, I moved to the first lane and let him speed away. He pushed his accelerator to the max to cut me, then after that he slowed down, purposely waited for me to cut. I have no idea what he was trying to do, so I drove past him. The moment we were side by side, his window was already down. He shouted at me, furiously, and gave me a middle finger. Not enough, he gave me another ‘hand’ language saying that he wants to punch me???!!!

I was like,

“WHAATTTT THEEEE…….??????????”

Still shaken up, I took my phone and dialed any number i could at that time. It was beyond the limit i could take.

And today. I saw him again.

With that look on his face. I feel an awful disgust.

I don’t want to see his face again.

Ever!

the final frontier... Part I - The choices, and the problems (in case, there is a part II)

Pearl told me I was invited for another Alpha camp. I was very thrilled to find out about the news, yet at the same time I was full of questions.

“Why me, I got no talent at all?!!”

To know that maybe this is all God’s plan, I stopped asking. I went to bed with happy smiles, then…………..

SNAPPPP!!!!!

“When was it again???” It’s going to be on the first weekend of December!!!

Belle is getting married on the same weekend!!!

Then I went like….. “to choose

Alpha or Belle……. Alpha or Belle……

Alpha or Belle….. Alpha or Bellle…….

Alpha or Belle……… Alpha or Belle……..

Alpha or Belle……….. Alpha or Belle………… Alpha or Belle….??????

I can’t decide!!! I want both!!!"

I'm gonna take a weekend. I’ll think it through, and hopefully by then, God give me the answer. I can’t choose because for me both are important in my life. One is for my spiritual growth, and the other is my best friend’s wedding.

If you’re in my shoes, tell me what would you do…

Should i choose this...

Or this...

To be continued...


p/s you have no choice but to wait, because i dunno the ending either...
(author is still very confused)

YouthAlpha leadership training camp (26-28 Sept 2008; La Salle PJ)

Pardon me for the very long silence of my blog. I was just too busy relaxing at home that I refuse to do anything serious during the raya hols. So here I am, the last day of my raya hols. Feel so shitty cos I was hoping I have more days to rest n laze around at home but it’s time to go back to the real world.

First before i move on from my good break of raya, let me share with you my experience during the YouthAlpha leadership training camp which I attended a week ago with some of my good friends.

The camp left a big impact in my spiritual being. Like what everybody called themselves, I too, was a lost soul. Apparently, responsibilities had taken lots of my time that I was unable to reflect myself to what is the main purpose of life.

Before we bid our farewells and move on with our life, we had a testimonial session which allows the participants to share their experience with everybody during the course of event. Since I was too nervous to talk in front of the not-so-new-faces-anymore, hence, Im gonna do it here - instead.

First day after registering, I had a problem fitting in. Everybody was very chatty, very excited about the camp and very friendly with each other. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good thing but it kinda frighten me a lil’ bit. In a mission of preventing myself from the humiliation caused by my shyness, I pulled myself away from the crowd and settled at one corner pretending to be tired. Bryan came a moment later and sat near where I was seated. At last somebody to talk to!

Fellie: Bryan, I dunno how to fit in.

Bryan: Poor thing, I’ll sit next to u later k.

But then, that didn’t happen of course. Bryan was in charge of the multimedia so he has his special place to sit. Karen was the emcee. Pearl had to take the stage for the icebreaking session. Christine seemed to have found her group. Jerry and Greg were the guitarists. I had no choice but to pretend to be cool about it and took a seat next to Roshelle. Obviously, he doesn’t know anyone since he was sitting alone. So I thought maybe this could be a starting point for me to eliminate the shyness that overpower me since the beginning.

Fellie: This seat taken?

Roshell: oh no. You can sit here.

Fellie: What’s your name and where ru from?

Roshelle: Im Roshelle and Im from Seremban.

Fellie: You came here alone?

Roshelle: yeah.

Fellie: (Trying to act cool konon) Roshelle, can you help me with these papers. You just fold it this way. I’ll do one plate and you do the other. We need these for the icebreaking games.

Roshelle: oh sure.

Well that turned out well.

It got better after we got to our groups. That was the first time I met Justin, Audrey and Elena’s sister, Andrea. I guess I can skip introducing Bryan since everybody knows him. I like my group – they are funny, crazy, open-minded and we got along very well. I felt a sense of comfort in an instant, what more can I say, Justin was our leader.

Christine was my roommate and she let me choose my bed. The first night, we both slept on my bed since the aircond was too cold. We were too smart not to increase the temperature.

Fortunately for me, things were normal after the first day as I was able to tone down my shyness and open my mouth to talk. We had barbeque the second night and everyone seems to be sitting everywhere. either alone or in their own groups, not really mixing with everyone else. So Pearl, Bryan and I decide dto bring the song “Apa guna” to get everybody sit together and sing with us. It was fun since almost everybody took part in throwing the "bombs" to each other with the song. Pearl and I continued playing the music until my fingers got tired. Erick was kind enough to take over my part though he was actually not feeling well at that time.

Regardless, the ultimate highlight was the second night (before the barbeque session) during the the ministry session where we were taught to minister prayers. I was very nervous of course since I never lead prayers or perform a pray over to anyone. Damian prepared us by guiding us to pray for the holy spirit. With all my heart and soul, I prayed so earnestly so holy spirit will take over in my prayers. Alas, when I was hooked in my prayers I dozed off. Instantly, guilt took over my concentration and I felt very much disturbed after that. I couldn’t utter any words of prayers when I performed a pray over for Caroline and that disappoint me a lot though I could hear Caroline was trembling in tears. I couldn’t understand the whole thing and I kept my disappointments all through the session and told Pearl about it after the session ended. She assured me that it was alright, and it could be a good thing. I was thinking about it the whole night and kept my frustration to my sleep. I didn’t really have the mood to join my friends after the barbeque dinner and wanted to be alone trying to understand the whole thing. Basically I was very very disappointed. Sorry Pearl, i wasnt with you the last night of the camp, apart from oversleeping on the phone, i wanted to be alone actually.

I kinda got my answer the next day when Damian gave his talk about prayers. Caroline answered my question. when i openly asked during the session. She claimed that dozing off happened sometimes when we pray but it’s not a bad thing after all, in fact the person who dozed off was actually experiencing a complete surrender to God. However, on the way back home I got a contradicting answer from Greg whereby he thought it was otherwise. He told me my body was just tired, that I dozed off in my prayers. Of course that wasn’t helping at all so I’m back to square one.

I still dont get it and the answers that i got from people seemed to confuse me more so I stopped asking. I know one day, I will get my answer.

Looking forward to attend camps like this one. It was so much fun experiencing God's love and getting to know yourself spiritually.

Thanks Pearl for making me go. It was the right move.

snippets of Dad

When something bad happen to your loved ones, you try hard not to cry, do you call yourself strong?

When you know you are going to lose something valuable in your life, but you keep yourself in denial because you think it’s the best for you, do you also think you are being strong?

when people asked about your father, and you answered them, “my dad is not doing so fine but that’s life.” without any expression on your face, do you consider yourself strong?

If I say yes to all of the mentioned above, then, I am good at lying. Tell you the truth, it wasn’t easy but because I was very fortunate to be able to occupy my time with tuition classes, labs, friends etc, it didn’t really disturb me that much.

I just have to keep my finger crossed, that there’ll still be time for me to do my part after i am done what i am here for. And before then, I will have no choice but to be strong, not only in denial.

Those of you, who are still get to meet your father, talk to your father, smile with your father, laugh with your father, joke around with your father, especially those who still feeds on dad's money - then its time for you to open your eyes.

Love your dad,

no matter how poor they are,

how shallow they are,

how healthy they are,

how destructive they are,

or how pathetic they are..

Time is not for you to count, but to appreciate every moment that you have with your loved ones. So that whatever happen in the future, you know that you have given them a full life.

Here are some snippets of my dear father that I would like to share with everyone..

Something he wrote...

It started with..

"There was this slide presentation you should see, I would like to share it with you.”

So last night, Mr.T sent me an email attached with the slide presentation. But what impressed me the most was his e-mail which came along with the attachment. I have to say, it took me by surprise because he has never written anything to me, especially in that length.

This is what he wrote to me:

I can't stop reading it since i never received such beautiful email from him before this. I can even count by one hand how many real email he has sent to me since 2005. That's because, Mr.T is a serious person, he seldom say things if he doesnt mean them.

Mr.T met half of my family members (including my parents) few weeks ago. With God's blessing, they like him. As a matter of fact, my brother invited him to his wedding next month. It's gonna be the most exciting family events for me.

There'll be more interesting stories coming your way. Have patient.

I was tagged by Joyce

Oh well… I guess I have to continue the game since I was tagged by Joyce (Joycey, u owe me! :P)

So here goes peeps..

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post the player then tags at least 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog.

Starting time:
1449

Name:
Fellie (nicky: Lie/Lye/Lai)

Sisters:
4

Brothers:
9

Shoe Size:
4

Height:
150cm

Where do you live:
currently at the kennel

Favourite drinks:
Starbucks Java Chip

Favourite breakfast:
Pancakes with honey

Have you ever been on a plane?:
Yes, I hate the waitings

Swam in the ocean:
yes, I’m from sabah remember?

Fallen a sleep at school:
tons of times

Broken someone's heart:
Yes.. don’t think it’s a good thing to talk abt

Fell off your chair:
*cant remember*

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call:
Used to when I was in love for the first time

What is your room like:
very very stuffy.. I have a lot of stuff!!

What's right beside you:
my Ikea chest drawer

What is the last thing you ate:
Banana rice at Paandi’s!!!!

Ever had....
Chicken pox:
Yes, on a Christmas day!! (I was 15)
Sore throat:
who doesn’t?
Stitches:
yes, a bad one on my chin
Broken nose:
Lucky no..

Do you
Believe in love at first sight:
depends..
Like picnics:
if we’re talking about beach picnic, oh yess!! Im a beach lover..

Who was, were
The last person you danced with:
me, myself and I
Last made you smile:
my kennel mates
You last yelled at:
A lady driver who was on the phone while trying to cut into my lane

Today did you
Talk to someone you like:
Yes
Kissed anyone:
No
Get sick:
no.
Talk to an ex:
no, cos I cant find a reason why I have to.
Miss someone:
yes, my mr.T
Eat:
I think I mentioned Paandi’s

Best feeling in the world
Do you sleep with stuffed animals:
Yes, Denise my doggie toy.
What's under your bed:
BOXES!!
Who (change it to what) do you really hate:
traffic jam, having no time for coffee, and waking up early in the morning!!
What time is it now?:1459

Random
Is there a person who is in your mind now :
Yes
Do you like your hand-writing :
I guess since i dont have problem with it.
Are your toe nails painted :
no
Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in :
T's bed, cos his smell is there??
What color shirt are you wearing now :
Im in my nightie
Are you a friendly person :
Depends
Do you have any pets :
Yes, Kimmy the cat, and Snowy, the new ugly cat. Used to have my Golden Retriever, Rusty, but he died in July. Binki, the rotweiller died in July too.
Now Max (half mongrel, half German shepard) is getting all the attention..
Do you sleep with the TV on :
not really.
What are you doing right now :
typing? its obvious.
Can you handle the truth :
it really depends, cos sometimes truth really hurts.
Are you closer to your mother or father :
equally closed.
Do you eat healthy :
Yes, it has to be healthy, but when it comes to chilli's, i really cant say no to their grills.
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex :
yes, we're still good friends. no hard feelings.
If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to :
Mr.T of cos, he's the only person that is able to neutralize me
Are you loud or quiet most of the time :
35% Loud, 65% quiet
Are you confident :
No. I have problem with that.

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. Finished my degree
2. Doing my master until now
3. Seeing the same person for the past 3 years
4. Procrastinating throughout the year
5. Shifting house (almost every year)

5 things on my to-do list today:
1. tick my student’s paper
2. Prepare for science paper3. Find her English answer sheet
(cant remember where the hell I put it!)
4. Go for my tuition class till 10pm
5. Make few calls before sleeping

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. -
2. -
3. -
4. -
5. Cant decide because it depends what’s in front of me. I don’t buy, I only eat.

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Send my father to Mexico for his cancer treatment
2. Buy a nice house with a swimming pool at the back yard
3. Help my family
4. Have a nice garden wedding
5. Travel around Europe

5 of my bad habits:
1. Temperimental
2. Impatience
3. too much of inferiority complex
4. deciding something I would regret after
5. have problem in saying NO to people

5 places I have lived/ stayed a night in:
1. Penang
2. Kuching
3. Bintulu
4. Johor
5. Melaka

5 things I will do after completing what I'm busy with:
1. Rest
2. Go back KK, take care of my dad
3. Help my sister with her business (im starting to have interest in doing business)
4. Have a weekend off at Bali
5. look for jobs

Tagged:
Lydia
Joyce (duno who else)
Emm
Maria
Myself

Why i am not an active blogger..

It’s a tiring week for me. For the last 2 days, I have to attend a GC-MS training in UiTM from 9am-5pm. Then, after training I have to rush back to Kajang for my tuition classes until around 10ish.

Reached back home 30 minutes later, I didn’t even have the energy to cook. I have to force myself to eat Maggie for two nights in a row though of course I prefer a solid meal (I really miss Philo, my ex-roomie, for this). Usually, no matter how tired I am after tuition, I will still cook even if it has to be the simplest dish. There must be healthy food to make me stay in a jolly mood.

But for the last 2 days, I couldn’t take it. My back hurts real bad and I was mentally tired. Looking at my kennel mates, I wish I have their free time even though they are still busy with their exams, assignments etc. But they can even go mamak-ing, swimming or watch movies *jealous*. For me, watching movie is almost a crime because I have so much to do everyday. I have to do my reading, thesis writing and I have to tick papers for my PMR student.

Today, I am a bit free. I was thinking of joining the girls for a swim, but I was not lucky as I just got my monthly visitor this afternoon! So I stayed in the lab for quite awhile and head home to blog about my frustration.

Maybe I should say, “quit your job, quit whinning”

But I need the money. Now that I spent more than I could afford for the house, and my car, fuel, food etc; I have to have money coming in every month.

Of course my family can support me, but how much can I ask from them? RM1000 per month? That’s a killer. But that’s the very least amount I need for every month (house rent, bills, car, fuel, food etc). I did try to save. I cut my entertainment, cut my temptation list, in short, I don’t have a life!

I am tired. So tired. But I still keep a happy face wherever I go. At least, I’ll be fine as long as nobody come and mess around with me. Don’t tell me “waa you got so much of time.” Because I seriously have no time, but it’s my job to get things done. I am crying out loud wishing that I can have more time for myself to have a peaceful rest.

An alien in dilemma

There are times I feel like an alien in my lab. It’s like I don’t understand the language they used, and I can’t even recognize their faces every time I see them. I am not sure how long I am gonna put up with this pretentious face and I don’t know how strong I have to be to stay around these toxic which could break down my immune system at any freakin’ time.

Few days ago, I was humiliated by words from the most unexpected person that I myself couldn’t comprehend to the fact that he actually threw those harsh and insulting words at me. I mean, he is 3 years my junior (and I never called him my junior out of respect for mankind). Nobody was that friendly to him when he first joined our research group, until I broke the ice, thinking that I could get a sincere ‘friendship’ out of it. Little that I know, birds of a feather flock together.

Even when that happened, I told myself, maybe it’s just a language barrier that he didn’t understand what I was trying to tell him (since he pronounced ‘sure’ as ‘suuer’) and with his misinterpretation of my ‘English’, he replied with those heart-wrenching words back at me. Even then, I tried to explain to him in a very polite way with simpler English words.

I thought that will be just it. On the same day (the second part of the day), he bombarded me again with a very sharp reply when I asked him about something. His judgment about me came really strong, and the words felt like they are pinning on my chest so hurtfully that it provokes my breathing problem. Yet, I let it go and walked away.

The next day, another drama happened. Fortunately, I wasn’t the victim. One of my lab mate, a foreign guy received my junior’s pungent anger with a loud bang on a bench after a question. There goes another show-off, but I think it was wrong for him to say - “You are under me and you do as I say!”- when he is like 5-10 years younger than this foreign guy and he hasn’t even started his own lab work. I mean I got enough people showing off their superiority in the lab. With this ‘nose-to-the-sky’ ungrateful new junior coming to our lab, doesn’t make the lab a merry-go-round adventure to everyone. Now, it’s more like a graveyard to me where monsters are living with each other.

See, I’m in a shit hole!!!! Now you know why I feel so unmotivated to go to lab. It’s more like a drag to me. I feel very much retarded and I hate my master years so much. I wish to end it immediately because I am not interested anymore. It doesn’t matter what they would think of me or my performance. I don’t really give a damn about what would I get out of my master experience, I had enough of this disease and I would really like to pull the string and end my life, right now.

A very long rumbles

Dad has gone back to Sabah. My parents were here for a month or so. At first, they came for dad’s PET scan in SJMC which cost us around rm7k, not including consultation fees. I was a bit disappointed with myself because I was not there on time to have the family meeting with the specialist in SJMC because the night before it was held, I was drinking at home trying to have a life.

My parents were supposed to fly back to KK that Sunday when two of my cousin sisters came to visit my dad at home introducing us to a special therapy (some kind of a homeotherapy) using BICOM bio-resonance therapy. The next day after church, we went to the place as mentioned, and that day itself my dad started his therapy session. There goes another few thousand for dad but money wasn’t a problem to us. We’ll do whatever it takes for dad.

After 3 weeks of taking the traditional medication and going for the therapy, there was an improvement on dad’s health. Everyone was happy including dad that we let him to eat anything he wants, until that early evening, when everyone went out to run an errand, dad got an allergic attack. At first we didn’t know it was the allergic that caused him so much in pain. I thought dad had a stroke because he couldn’t tell us which part of his body is painful, he couldn’t speak clearly and he couldn’t raise his hand.

After looking at the situation, I jumped off the bed and told everyone that he has to go to the nearest medical center. So we brought him to Taman Desa Medical center (TDMC) which is just round the corner.

After getting my dad checked, the doctor told me that dad's heart is very irregular and fast (for normal heart rate, it’s around 70-80, but dad’s heart rate can reach up to 140 which is scary enough for me). Dad could get heart attack anytime. We were advised to bring him to the University Hospital for better treatment. After getting few advise from my sister back home, we brought dad straight to the hospital and by 10pm we were already waiting for dad outside the emergency room. The doctor called me to inquire about his medical history, so I feed him with everything I know.

After a 10 minutes discussion with the doctor, I was allowed to stand beside dad until everything is over. Dad didn’t want to let me go when I told him Im going to the café to find food for him. He told me to ask the others to do it so that I can stay beside him. I was overwhelmed with dad’s neediness of my presence. I stood beside his bed for almost 4 hours until the nurse announced that he will be hospitalized. He was put in a cardiology ward where the heart patient is treated.

I was having my monthly visitor at that time. As gross as it may sound, I did not change my pad for more than 24 hours. But in that kind of desperate situation, I couldn’t care less about it. Dad comes first. Sweet enough, Jim n Bon came to the ward with a change of clothes for me and they brought me dinner (I just realized I haven’t got my dinner yet at that time!)

The whole hospital experience was fun. The patient beside us was a very knowledgeable malay man in his mid year. He was telling me why he was hospitalized. He had a mild attack after watching Lee Chong Wei lose his battle to Lin Dan in the Olympic game. His wife complained to me , "Chong Wei get few hundred thousands, and he gets admitted to the hospital!" I was just laughing out loud. The couple was funny.

Hanging by a thread

I don’t know what to feel anymore. Yesterday, dad has to go through a procedure which involves putting a very fragile tube into his system as to give him more appetite to eat. It was a risky procedure that if the tube breaks during the operation, he has to go for a surgery.

Mom was crying because dad has to be anesthetized. Mom was nervous about the whole thing that she called me to get Fr.Valentine on the line to request for a special prayer for dad. As much as I was crying inside at that time, I can only tell mom that she has to be strong for dad, and that God will never fail us.

Later that night, I received a call from my eldest sister asking me when will I be back. I can’t give an answer. With all the things hanging around my neck, how can I decide? My sister told that after the tube insertion, dad looked very weak and he was complaining of constant headaches. She advised me that I should come back as soon as possible. As much as I hate her pessimism, I can’t deny that the days are numbered.

What am I supposed to feel? I can’t be transparent because I still want to LIVE.
I feel so unguarded, feel so weak. Feel like I am hanging by a thread, full of weeds.

The worst event in my life

Things are getting more tensed now. Doctors and family had an intense discussion about the case yesterday. I haven’t been informed yet about their decision but what I heard from one of the family member, which she also heard from them, was that, Dad will not go for the surgery because he might get a stroke during the operation. What they are going to do is put a tube inside his intestine to give him more appetite to eat, and so yes to give energy.

“What then? How about the cancer? They are not going to do anything about it?” The thing is, nothing could be done.

Doctor gave us a duration – That was the WORST PART!!!

It’s too hurtful that I can’t even write the number here. Let alone thinking about it. Doctor added it's either the cancer or his heart which will take him away. The only thing I can do now is – to finish all my work here, as fast as I can and go back to spend the most time with dad.

If you read some of the stories in my blog, you'll see that dad is the most important thing in my life. For all the things that I did in my life, is to make my dad proud of me. I worked my arse off, to prove to dad that I have done my best and to have him smile back at me. THATS ALL.


Blood is thicker than water

Choices

Metaphorical of life - Love of a father and daughter

My "Between-reality-and-absurdity" LiFe

killing heart

"You raised me up"

My dad knows his kids love him dearly and want him cured so he told us that he can go for the operation, that he can take it. But if dad knows that the 'growth' in his colon is actually a cancer, he'll just cry out "It's better that I die than to trouble all of you."

My dad, though he was not highly educated, but he is the strongest, honest and the most sincere person I ever met. Look at me now, what i have become, all the good things i have are all blessings from God for the good things my dad has done all through his life.

Some say, education is important to make someone wiser and highly respected. In the case of my dad, it was not the education but it's his heart. And now his heart is going to take him away. How unfair is that?

Dad is everything. Without him, how can i go on?

Regret is just a word, suffering is the real deal..

I have uttered something tremendously awful, that I myself can’t forgive for what I have done. It’s like I was wishing for it to happen. I didn’t mean it to be that way but anger took over my conscience and harsh words filtered out mercilessly. Now, because of my very selfish behavior and arrogance, somebody dear to me has to take the punishment.

I wish I could take it back. I just wish I was calmer with my words but now it’s too late to regret. The only thing I can do is to hope for miracles and hoping that God would forgive me for the things I have said which now I utterly regret.

Dear friends, words can be really strong even though sometimes it was just a joke or something you use to prove the righteousness of something else. Do not swear on anybody’s name. You may feel at the top of the world after you said it, but God is too powerful and He knows how to make you regret for the bad things you have done.

I have learned my lesson. I have learned my lesson. Now, I hope this torture will end at a full stop. The tests are enough to torture my very soul. I just wish i could turn back the time and be more wiser.

Hoping for a miracle..

It was not easy accepting when someone in your family is having Stage 3 Colon Cancer, especially when that person is your father.

I went back to KK right after my colloquium, thinking that it would be fun catching up with old friends and go for Jaff&Fifah's important event, and yes I managed to get my insurance policy done. I was at the edge of informing all my friends that I’m back and would like to meet up, when mom told me dad is having a black stool for over a week and the night before we brought him to his doctor, he didn’t have a good sleep because he was complaining a diarrhea.

I have no knowledge of the implication of having black stool but I know it was not something good. I called Jack, my bro and told him that he has to take dad to Dr.Raj. I managed to persuade dad to go to his doctor to have him checked. I thought it was just the food my father ate. Clear enough, it was a very bad sign and he has to be admitted to QEH asap.

Fyi, Dad is a heart patient since early 2000 and was hospitalized for more than a month when doctors found out he’s a Stage 3 heart patient in 2005. IJN (Institut Jantung Negara) couldn’t do much for him as the success of operation or bypass gave him a slim chance to survive. He was given an anticoagulant medication called Warfarin to prevent blood cloating. Dad was taking that medication since then.

It was good for my dad until recently the specialist found out that he is sensitive to Warfarin and the medication has to stop, which means there will be a risk of getting stroke. But that was not all, when dad went for endoscopy test the next day after he was hospitalized, they found something unusual in his colon. Second endoscopy test involved taking a sample or what they called biopsy to confirm the case. Dad went for CT-scan and a lot of tests were done and finally, it was confirmed that dad is suffering from – Stage 3 Colon Cancer.

I couldn’t breathe after sister Lid told me the news, and at that very moment I was having a presentation meeting with my research group where my supervisor Prof.Salmijah and Dr.Talib were also there. I tried to keep myself cool, maybe I was having a bad hearing since I was in a meeting when I was told about the news through the phone. It was already 10.30 P.M. I told my labmate, it’s already too late for me and I am too tired to stay for another 2 presenter, so I went back and called everybody to get a clear information and yes my hearing was good!!

The option is to go for surgery but we are not sure if that is the best option since dad is a heart patient and the risks are there to consider. Other options would be chemo and radiation therapy and I have little information about that.

Anyone with information about this cancer, I really need it. I’ve done some reading about it, and the only thing I can do now is to hope for a miracle.

Rusty is dead!!

LIE's Heart OuT: Rusty is sick!!

After my bestfriend, It was Rusty. He died 3 days ago after he was attacked by distemper virus. I should have been quick enough to rescue him but I have a lot of things at hand and a lot of things that need my attention. I was really furious with the maid at Taman Desa. I did not ask much from her. The only thing that i want her to do was to let me place him in a cleaner and comfy place for him just for a week or two until the workers are finished building the fish pond outside, or if it was hard enough for her, at least give me time until i get him vaccinated. She refused everything rudely and called me a liar. Poor Rusty.

The picture that Masran showed on the day he died was unbearable. At first I couldnt recognized him, I thought it was a MONKEY he showed me!!! It was RUSTY!!!! He looked very very skinny that i thought it was a monkey!!

As much as i tried to respect an older person, doesnt matter if she is a housemaid or if i have the upper hand, i can't tolerate with this. Rusty is dead, and I can't help it but to put all the blame on her. If she had listened to my suggestion, Rusty will still be here.

Fellie is homeless...

For many days, I was homeless. That’s even worse than having no money to survive. I have moved most of my stuff to my new lodging yet i still have to crash at friend’s place. My temporary store was my car. I had to bring my laptop, books, toiletries and my clothes around. Poor Arnold, Joel, and Bibi who had to accommodate and put up with me.

Bibi is willing to have me stay over at her place for few nights, and during the day I will be in my lab doing my work ‘or’ hanging around just to kill time. There was a time, I was really exhausted and sleepy. I had to sleep in my lab until it’s time to go for my tuition class. Usually, if there is no work to do in the lab, I will be the first one to go home. My senior saw me squeezing myself on the chair and asked,

“Fellie, why don’t you go home and rest?”

“That’s the thing, I wish I have a home now.”

I feel so poor and pathetic. Other times, I will be at Arnold’s place to finish up my answer sheet for my student. Arnold has been so nice to offer me his coffee and his table for me to do my work and Joel has been kind enough to let me sleep on his bed before I switch to Bibi’s place.

After those painful moments. I am so glad I am back in KK. By the time I go back to the peninsular, I will be ready to move in to Bangi house ‘physically’. I just can’t wait to settle down and go on with my normal days.

The Kennel - here i come with a big wave

After days of being unorganized yet very very busy, I finally shifted all my stuff to the Kennel (If this is what they gonna call the house). I haven’t got the time to unpack but at least 98% of my stuff is already in Bangi house with some electronic stuff I still have in HK house.

Packing all my stuff was tiring, but what's more tiring is carrying and shifting ALL OF IT to the new house. I have to rent a 2 tan lorry which cost me about RM150 (that was the cheapest I get) to shift all of it.

I was quite surprised with the amount of stuff I have. It’s really a lot!! All my friends are laughing to see the stacks of stuff I have. Even Emm is ‘kind’ enough to make me one of the topic in her post. Emm, I should thank you for making me famous (As a reward, I am gonna eat you alive!) :P

Anyway, the lorry man was 1 hour and 15 minutes late. All my stuff was carried down, and with the period of time waiting, I was famous in Hentian Kajang. I have to tell my friends to just say it’s the whole family moving or else they’ll be dead shocked to see the stuff I have. Like it or not, I was parading my stuff for that freakin’ 75 minutes.

The lorry came at last, at first I wanted to scold him for being late but when I saw a man in his middle 40s or 50s came out from the lorry, I stopped. I can’t be scolding an old man for being late. It’s already hard enough to see an old man working so hard to earn a living for his family. So I let it go. Save my anger for some other reason.

For the first time in my life, I smell like a stinky man who did not bath for decades. I can even smell myself and feel disgusted. Yerk!! The next time Im moving, I will put on some perfume or cologne, to at least make me feel good even after sweating like a stinky pig!



Proudly presenting... the shocking amount of stuff i have



boyfriend asked to take a picture of the stuff i have, as he said its for future planning - to control my temptation of buying things... LOL!!



Then later that night, after sending Bibi back to her place, me and Bryan hang out for awhile at my old house to fix the prob with my PC. I was excited when he showed me the way to use 2 screen at a time with one cursor. It was fun and very interesting!! this is how he set up the computers. We can even watch 2 movies at a time.. cool eh?! Try this at home.. its fun!


I was already excited, so i dragged my 17" samsung LCD monitor to Taman Desa together with my laser printer to show my younger sister how canggih i am now.. haha!! well, orang kebaru-baruan la...

Anyway, i wanna say thank you to few people..

Thank you, Brian.

Thank you, Joshua.

Thank you, Arnold.

Thank you, Joel.

Thank you, Bibi.

And also to my new housemates – Lydia, Maria, Emm!!!

Thank you for helping me move my stuff! I finally moved. Yay!!